Scientists Unveil Periodic Table Of Genders

U.S. — The nation’s leading scientists unveiled a new periodic table of genders to help everyone keep track of the evolving gender spectrum. Experts are recommending the table be rolled out to schools across the nation and added to each state’s curriculum for grades 9-12.

The gender table features 114 genders in addition to a wild card space that represents the limitless imagination of the human mind.

“One of the biggest struggles with gender identity is that no one knows what you’re talking about,” said Dr. Stephen Andross. “I, myself, am amicagender, which means my gender identity changes depending on the friends I have. This is distinct from someone who is genderfluid or genderfuzz and now, thanks to our gender table, people can easily understand this.”

“Why are you laughing?”

Scientists compiled their list of genders based on a survey of mentally ill patients and their own personal desires. Later, the information was distilled into a brief but meaningless combination of made-up words and categories.

In a survey of gender studies majors, it was found to be “mildly helpful.”

At publishing time, California legislators voted to require teaching on the periodic table of genders beginning in kindergarten.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE ARTICLES:

Here Are The 7 Biggest Reveals From This Year’s Comic-Con

Woman Terrified She May Have To Actually Use One Of The Dozens Of Cheap, Readily Available Methods of Birth Control In Post-Roe America

Al Gore Dresses Up Like Swedish Teen Girl So People Will Listen To Him Again

Trump Proposes Constitutional Amendment So He Can Run As His Own Vice President in 2024

Woman Leaves 99 Perfectly Good Parking Spots In Search Of The 1 That’s Likely Taken