When Lying to Your Kids is OK

Another Major Parenting Challenge. 

This is a cross-post as I thought it was a well-written, thoughtful piece. Mary Rooke (whom I do not know) is the author, and it was originally published in the Daily Caller. This is her Good Life signup page and her Twitter account.

It brings up an important parenting question: which burdens on our children are harmful and we should protect them from — and which burdens are ultimately a net benefit (i.e., an essential part of maturing)? Here goes…

Welcome to Good Life, a newsletter about navigating our modern culture and staying sane in the process. This week, we discuss the little lies of motherhood.

It’s okay to lie to your kids.

My daughter had surgery this week. I’ve been like a duck on the water, calm on top, telling everyone I know that it’s really nothing to worry about. Underneath the surface, my legs are anxiously pedaling to get to the other side.

I don’t want to worry her, so I lie and tell her the same. In times like these, parents must put their own emotional needs on the back burner to ensure their children aren’t carrying any unnecessary burdens.

Don’t get me wrong. I have complete faith in her surgeon. I’ve been around enough of them in my lifetime to recognize his confidence comes from years of success. He possesses the perfect balance of self-assurance and bedside manner, which makes him a well-rounded surgeon. Still, even well-disciplined doctors find themselves in a tornado of complications. I know this firsthand, but that’s a story for another time.

So I lie to my daughter. I tell her that there is no chance anything bad will happen, that the doctor has performed this surgery a thousand times. I don’t mind carrying the weight of the anxiety about the “what ifs.” It’s my job to send her into that procedure with a calm body. Lying to her is a mercy for her and a sacrifice for me.

Since she is so young, I was allowed to be in the room with her. They needed her awake for the surgery. There were times when she would wince and silent tears would roll down her face. I couldn’t grab her hand and physically reassure her that she was being very brave. Instead, I sat across the room, outside the sterilized area, maintaining eye contact and telling her what a great job she was doing.

These moments were the hardest. At this point, I wasn’t lying about the status of her surgery, but more about my own bravery. I wanted to collapse onto her and cry with her. But she didn’t need me to do that. She needed me to look her in the eyes, smile, and show her love. I had to push my selfishness away in order to keep her morale high.

My daughter really did so well. When the doctor finished, he called it a success. All those worries and fears are now gone. The little lie saved her from the emotional baggage that I willingly carried around for her. While in recovery, she hugged me so tightly, thanking me for not leaving her.

There has been a societal movement that encourages parents to communicate with their children on a peer-to-peer level. While there will be a time for that when they are adults and self-sufficient, until then, it’s incredibly important that your children do not see you as “on their level” in any way.

Of course, the most obvious reason for this is discipline. You want them to respect your authority and listen to your instructions or obey your punishments when they break your rules. However, this is only a small part of it.

When I tell my daughter that I have complete confidence that everything will be okay, she believes me. She doesn’t have to worry about any possible complications because her mother has told her not to.

We aren’t on the same level. I’ve never made her carry unnecessary emotional weight. She’s not an adult. She doesn’t have the life experiences to lean on in times of stress or trouble, but I do.

That’s the beauty of how God created the nuclear family structure. Everyone plays a divinely inspired role that is incredibly important for building a healthy family. My husband and I are not her peers or friends. That doesn’t mean we aren’t close. In fact, protecting the parent-child dynamic builds concrete trust.

She knows that if I tell her I’m going to do something, or, as with the surgery, that everything will be all right, she believes me completely.

I’ve spent her whole life cultivating this trust between us. Not because I have demanded it, whether she likes it or not, but because I chose to guide her through life with confident, loving authority. I haven’t made her come up to my level. I’ve allowed her to grow and mature at her natural pace. With each passing year, our conversations become more sophisticated, but I am cautious not to overwhelm her with thoughts, themes, and stresses that she isn’t ready for.

This isn’t an easy thing to do, because these worries don’t simply disappear. Someone has to carry them and deal with them. But I genuinely believe that a mother’s ability to hold the emotional weight of the family is a blessing. I get to be the one that my children and husband turn to when their worlds are spinning or they are feeling emotionally drained.

I’m sure my husband feels the same way when the girls boast about how they know their daddy could beat up the bad guys. I’ve said this before, but parents have a responsibility to protect their children. I’m the emotional protector, and my husband is the physical one.

After the surgery was over and I had a moment alone, I let out all the pain, fear, and stress. Then I gathered myself to go back in and continue the work. She was smiling when I walked through the door.

There will be a time when she realizes that it will be her job to lie to her children. She will have to be the emotional protector of her family. Mothers are made through their endurance to withstand their role and are rewarded with immeasurable blessings. Her smile was my blessing.

©2025 John Droz, Jr. All rights reserved.

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