KENOSHA, WI—Leftists are sounding the alarm that Kyle Rittenhouse—a notorious slayer of white communist pedophiles—may escape punishment through a little-known legal loophole known as a “trial.” “This is very concerning,” said Chip Cordray, progressive legal expert covering the case. “Using this obscure loophole, Rittenhouse’s fate will be decided by an impartial jury of peers based on […]
As the trial against Kyle Rittenhouse continues, here are the key facts you need to know. EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved. Become a premium subscriber: https://babylonbee.com/plans
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Many have charged the U.S. military with becoming “woke” in recent years, and more fuel has been added to that fire with the latest announcement from the Pentagon: The U.S. military is unveiling a gender-neutral bomb. “This bomb is absolutely fabulous,” announced General “Sparkles” McKenzie. “Finally, a bomb that respects all genders and all […]
SANTA MONICA, CA—Activision surprised the gaming world with a new game trailer revealing the next game in the popular Call of Duty series. Set to be released any day now, Call of Duty: Rittenhouse lets you defend your home from a horde of bloodthirsty communists. “Developers have toiled this past year without sleep, food, or contact with loved ones, so […]
LANSING, MI—As fuel prices skyrocket across a country already dealing with porous and insecure borders, the Biden administration confirmed that it will shut down an oil pipeline in Michigan so it can be repurposed to carry illegal immigrants into the heart of America. Critics question whether the Biden administration’s decision to decrease the availability of […]
Don’t let Joe Biden or Big Bird raise America’s kids! And certainly don’t let them provide medical treatment or teach them socialism. Instead, let’s teach America’s youth with the Tuttle Twins! The Tuttle Twins children’s book series is teaching the rising generation about the ideas of freedom, free markets, individual responsibility, and American history. My […]
The beloved Sesame Street character Big Bird is finally doing what he was born to do: sell pharmaceutical products to small children! After his resounding success in selling a Pfizer vaccine, here are 10 more exciting Big Bird product endorsements PBS is planning: 1) The brand new cereal Pfizer-O’s: Every bowl is the equivalent of one additional […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats are thrilled after new polling data revealed Biden’s approval rating is 38% and Kamala Harris’s approval rating is 28%, which when combined, adds up to a combined approval rating of 66%. “Biden and Harris are a great team,” said Psaki to reporters. “Especially when they come together to add up their approval ratings. 66%! […]
MADISON, WI—After minutes of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of Kyle Rittenhouse has rendered the verdict that the defendant is in fact “Based” and “An Absolute Chad.” The decision was read aloud by the foreman of the jury, despite the jury on Twitter already handing down their decision of Guilty on all charges […]
WORLD—In order to save the earth, the next climate change conference between world leaders will be held on a rocket ship. This rocket ship will then be launched into the sun, and, according to sources, there will be much rejoicing. “This is a genius plan to save the Earth,” said one conference organizer. “Yes, we’re […]
Brought to you by: The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness Thousands of years ago, God gave mankind his 10 Commandments which became the basis for law and Western Civilization. Unfortunately, it’s been a long time since they were updated to be more suitable for modern audiences! NOT OK! Thankfully, woke scholars have done just that! […]
VATICAN CITY—President Biden emerged from his meeting with Pope Francis greatly relieved and brimming with joy, claiming that the Holy Father had requested Biden’s son, the great artist Hunter, repaint the dated Sistine Chapel ceiling. “We’ve been planning a remodel for about 1,000 years,” the Pope reportedly told President Biden, “but we just never felt we […]
ALBANY, NY—As chants of “Let’s Go Brandon” spread around the country, many Democrats have expressed concern over treating the office of President with such disrespect. “I dunno… I just don’t think we should be disrespecting the President of the United States like that,” said local Democrat Camden Spudfuffle, who at the time was wearing a […]
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A KKK member posing outside Glenn Youngkin’s bus, ostensibly to support the gubernatorial candidate, has turned out to actually just be Governor Ralph Northam in his trusty Klan hood. “We’re all in for Glenn! We’re all in for Glenn!” the man in the white hood chanted as Youngkin’s bus pulled into a campaign stop […]
Do you think parents should have a say in their kids’ education? You’re wrong! Here are 7 reasons parents need to just stay away and let the professionals raise their kids. 1) Parents don’t know anything about kids: It’s true. Most of them don’t have master’s degrees in kid-raising or education. Sad! 2) Most parents don’t raise […]