SEATTLE, WA—In a deal that probably has nothing to do with Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine showing disappointing long-term effectiveness, the pharmaceutical giant has announced an ambitious partnership with bulk wholesale giant Costco, and the unveiling of the new Pfizer-Kirkland Signature 5-Gallon Family Size Vaccine Booster Tub™. Every Costco store is now stocked with sensibly-sized buckets of […]
WASHINGTON, D.C—President Joe Biden has finally stepped up delivering harsh remarks regarding those responsible for the deaths of our troops in Kabul. The President has authorized deadly force to deal with all who caused this tragedy. “We will not rest until those responsible for this senseless, avoidable crisis in Kabul have been removed from this […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has announced Congress will be taking action immediately as the situation in Afghanistan rapidly deteriorates. To hold those responsible for the evacuation debacle, Congress will consider articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump. “Good morning, Thursday morning,” Pelosi said during a press conference this morning, which was Thursday […]
KABUL—Now that Allah has seen fit to bless the Taliban with bountiful weapons and equipment from the U.S. Military, terrorists around Afghanistan have built an already thriving chain of U.S. Army Surplus stores. “We need weapons to kill and subjugate the Afghan people under Sharia Law, but there’s just too much gear here!” said local Taliban leader […]
You’d think that it would be impossible for a black person to be a white supremacist, or at least very difficult. But you’re not woke enough if you haven’t yet realized that black people can be some of the most anti-black people around. Just trust us, this makes sense. 1. Larry Elder – This is an […]
ATLANTA, GA—With Biden voter regret on the rise, local sources are reporting that even Dominion voting machines are now wishing they could undo their many, many Biden votes. “I voted for Biden at least fifty-thousand times,” said Dominion machine EE36-C, speaking to Newsmax reporters in binary code. “I just got caught up in the moment, […]
KABUL—After the government spectacularly botched the evacuation of Afghanistan, Chick-fil-A scrambled to the rescue and was quickly put in charge of the operation. Within a few hours, every single American at the Kabul airport was comfortably seated on a commercial airliner and munching away at a delicious Chick-fil-A sandwich and sipping on a sweet tea. […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House has updated the American people on Biden’s handling of Afghanistan “Rest assured, the President is all over this,” said Biden’s National Security Advisor Peter Piddlepants. “He is very in charge and competent and presidential, as evidenced by this photo of all of us seated at a very official-looking conference table. See? look […]
KABUL—Approximately twelve minutes after U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan, Taliban fighters have completely taken over the entire country. “Woah, that’s a bummer,” said the Biden Administration’s foreign policy team. “We didn’t see that one coming.” As the Taliban began its campaign of shooting and killing, as is their time-honored tradition, CNN anchors gushed with praise after noticing […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Donald J. Trump was seen riding what appeared to be a donkey in the slow lane of Interstate 95 before taking the 395 North then exiting into downtown Washington, D.C., thus fulfilling the prophecy, “Behold, thy Orange King cometh unto thee, meek, meeker than all others, the meekest maybe, and sitting upon an ass, […]
RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Rest Of Country Holds Recall Election On State Of California Dr. Fauci Runs Into Village Screaming That A Wolf Is Coming To Devour Us All Again Oregon High Schools Stop Teaching Reading So Kids Won’t Be Influenced By Thomas […]
At The Babylon Bee, we take your health seriously. So, we hired a doctor who was sitting in the gutter outside our California offices. He even had a lab coat and that big disc thing on top of his head. He also had a card that said “I am a real doctor.” Anyway, he warned us […]
TALLAHASSEE, FL—With all the evil Democrats and namby-pamby Republicans around the country making innocent kids wear masks against their will, one courageous state governor, Ron DeSantis, is putting his foot down. He has just signed an order decreeing that all teachers who make kids wear masks will be thrown in the gator pond. “Now THAT is […]
ATLANTA, GA—Former Governor Andrew Cuomo has resigned in disgrace amid accusations of sexual harassment, but the sky is still the limit for his career, as CNN immediately hired him under a multi-million-dollar contract. As soon as CNN learned the man was credibly accused of sexual harassment, they scooped him up to be an on-air personality. […]
TOKYO—Olympic wrestler Tamyra Mensah-Stock was stripped of her gold medal Thursday after several of the athlete’s pro-USA comments were circulated online. A spokesman for the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) said there’s no place for that type of vulgar language in sports today. “The United States Olympic Committee stands for pretty much the opposite of […]