NORTH POLE—Santa Claus’s nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop. But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list. […]
U.S.—With the pandemic still ongoing and many people still getting infected with COVID-19, Democrats have been especially strict with their constituents, enforcing the harshest lockdowns and restrictions on gatherings. Fearing that’s not enough to get their point through, Democrats have gone the extra length of illustrating to the public exactly what they shouldn’t do by […]
UTAH DESERT—Scientists and conspiracy theorists are baffled after a strange monolith-shaped stack of missing Trump votes was discovered without explanation in the middle of the Utah desert. “RIGGED ELECTION!” tweeted Donald Trump after seeing the news on his Twitter feed. “They found my missing votes! There must be 10 million in that stack alone!” Scientists […]
U.S.—A fun new “Greta on the Shelf” doll will watch you every day and fly back to the UN each night to report your climate sins to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. The doll is equipped with eye sensors programmed to detect activities that are harmful to the environment. “Greta sees you when you’re […]
WILMINGTON, DE—Staffers have revealed that Biden was the victim of yet another tragic accident after his arm fell completely off as he attempted to open up a jar of peanut butter. “Yeah– it just literally fell off,” said one aide, confirming the story. “I walked into the kitchen and there was his arm, just lying […]
SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions. “Drugs are legal now anyway,” said Governor Brown. “I hereby pardon all drug offenders currently doing time in Oregon prisons. I […]
SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Gavin Newsom is especially concerned that the holiday season could lead to people coming together in joy and brotherly love — i.e., superspreader events. To fight this, Newsom has enacted a number of strict rules for the holidays and has now gone the extra step of sending police door to door to […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid urgent calls for Trump’s legal team to “release the Kraken” and show the country their irrefutable proof of voter fraud, the legendary Nordic cephalopod made a rare media appearance this week to clear things up and distance himself from the Trump campaign. “Let me be perfectly clear,” gargled the Kraken in its horrifying eldritch voice. “I […]
MENLO PARK, CA—It’s looking increasingly likely that Trump’s lawsuits won’t change the results of the election, and that his claims about fraudulent voting and suspicious voting machines won’t swing the election in his favor. But many people are now raising concerns as Silicon Valley startup Skynet has unveiled a new line of voting machines. “WE […]
GARNER, NC—Butterball is releasing a new turkey with a Biden-Harris logo seared right into its delicious skin so you can just claim your Thanksgiving gathering is a political rally, bypassing local restrictions against celebrating the holiday. “Just serve the Biden-Harris turkey, and you’ll be free to gather,” said a Butterball spokesperson. “It’s the same delicious […]
U.S.—An American firearms manufacturer is making waves after unveiling a brand new AR-15 that glows blue whenever libs are nearby. Constructed with ancient elven technology from the forgotten land of Gondolin, this semi-automatic rifle will pulse with an ethereal blue light whenever it detects a democrat within a 100-yard radius. “We’re really lucky to have […]
WASHINGTON D.C.—There have been suggestions that Joe Biden may use an executive order to cancel student debt, but President Donald Trump has announced he’s going a different direction: He is signing an executive order to double the debt of all journalism students. “The press is the enemy of the people,” Trump told the press, the […]
U.S.—A study has found a strong connection between believing Russia rigged the 2016 election and now suddenly believing elections are entirely foolproof, trustworthy, and unhackable. “It seems that people who screamed about Russia for 4 years now have a 100% chance of encouraging everyone to accept the 2020 election results without question,” said study head […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The media is scratching their heads today after thousands of angry Trump supporters descended on the capital and were completely peaceful throughout the entire demonstration. “I don’t even know what this is. This is really confusing,” said D.C. correspondent Cork Dorgen. “We’ve seen violent protests and mostly-peaceful protests, but this protest seems all-the-way peaceful […]
ALBANY, NY—Many thought it was great news when they heard about the effectiveness of Pfizer’s coronavirus vaccine, but one person is alarmed by this development: New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. In fact, Cuomo says he has scientists developing a vaccine that will render President Trump’s vaccine ineffective. “We are doing great here in New York, […]