AKRON, OH—Drivers who get their vehicles serviced at Goodyear will now only be able to get tires for one side of their cars. The company announced this week it will only be selling tires for the left side of cars that come into its shops for service. The company acknowledged this may create an inconvenience […]
U.S.—With Epstein’s infamous assistant Ghislaine Maxwell awaiting trial and testimony in prison, many celebrities, politicians, and entertainment industry elites are rushing to make pedophilia generally acceptable before they’re outed as patrons of Epstein’s notorious island. “I’m not going to lie, this is going to be an uphill climb,” said actor and director Rudy Allan, “but […]
AUSTIN, TX—Right-wing conspiracy theories are really dangerous and they lead to violence in our streets and the breakdown of trust in our vital social institutions, like the very efficient and modern United States Postal Service. That is the word coming from area art teacher Diana MacDonald, who has also been quite vocal for three years, […]
WILMINGTON, DE—In a campaign speech today, presidential candidate Joe Biden, with running mate Kamala Harris at this side, debuted his hopeful new slogan. “I want to be absolutely clear,” Biden announced. “I’ll be dead in the cold, cold ground before a black woman becomes president!” “I mean it: A black woman will become president over […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sources are reporting that Trump has dealt a killer blow in his ongoing war against his sworn enemy, the U.S. Post Office. In a move of sheer, mind-blowing brilliance, Trump directed the Post Office to put his face on every single stamp, forcing the Democrats to reverse course and abolish the institution once and […]
U.S.—Supporters of Kamala Harris have been eagerly awaiting an announcement on who her VP pick will be when she takes over as president approximately 5 minutes after Joe Biden is inaugurated. According to sources close to the campaign, she is already vetting possible candidates for the job. “I am proud to announce I will soon […]
U.S.—The Trump campaign has been making claims that rival candidate Joe Biden isn’t fit to debate, has been “hiding in his basement,” and may try to skip the debates so as not to embarrass himself. The Biden campaign has denied these charges and said that Biden is looking forward to the debates and a chance […]
WILMINGTON, DE—According to sources within the Joe Biden campaign, staffers have been instructed to pick “any black person” for vice president, “since they all think the same anyway.” He made the comment while in a strategy meeting with aides in his basement. “Just nab any old black person — they’re all pretty much interchangeable,” Biden […]
U.S.—Democrats have proposed a new debate format they find acceptable: one where Joe Biden is tied up backstage with his mouth duct-taped shut. “This is the only fair way to do it,” said a DNC spokesperson. “To allow our candidate to speak would simply be an unfair advantage to the candidate who has some semblance […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Fauci suggested that Americans cover their entire bodies in bubble wrap to protect against coronavirus. “Studies have shown that this is very effective at stopping the virus, germs, and the oxygen that carries these things,” Fauci said. “You will no longer have to worry about death by coronavirus, […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Jerry Nadler continued to insist that the violent riots across the country are “a myth” in a hearing today, even as Antifa rioters stormed the Capitol Building and set fire to the very room where Nadler was testifying. Nadler continued to insist that the violence of the rioters was totally fabricated as the […]
U.S.—Leftists are warning that President Donald Trump might not accept the results of the 2020 election. These same leftists have spent the last four years declaring that Trump is not their president, that Hillary Clinton actually won because she won the popular vote, and that Trump only won because of Russian interference. “It would absolutely […]
U.S.—A new CNN poll released Monday found that Joe Biden was leading in several key battleground cemeteries. 84% of the respondents said they would be voting for the Democratic challenger, while 2% said they would support incumbent Donald Trump. 14% just moaned, “BRAAAAAINS!” and reached their rotting arms out in front of them while shambling […]
CHICAGO, IL—Amid mounting pressure from a coordinated campaign of 12 mentally ill Twitter users, Chicago White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf has confirmed the franchise will finally be dropping the offensive word “white” from their name. “Being a mascot is an honor,” Jerry said. “Unless, of course, your mascot is a Native American. Then it’s a […]
U.S.—After Goya sales skyrocketed in response to a boycott in response to the CEO announcing his support of Trump, which was probably in response to something else dumb that happened in this dumb world, thousands of CEOs announced their support for Trump in hopes of triggering a similar boycott. Thousands of CEOs tripped over themselves […]