PORTLAND, OR—Local activist and Antifa member Declyn Cruikshank marked the 76th anniversary of the D-Day invasion by educating a D-Day veteran on how to fight against fascism. Elmer Dobbins, 94, who lied about his age at 17 in order to join the Army, was sitting near a World War II memorial Saturday, reminiscing about the day […]
MICHIGAN—Governor Gretchen Whitmer was in for a big surprise this morning when she woke up and found her armies surrounded by Donald Trump and a special forces squad that had rowed across the Great Lakes in the middle of the night to take her by surprise. Trump dressed up in Revolutionary War attire with a […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Under intense pressure from their left-leaning constituents to do something about the dangerous, Christian-founded restaurant chain, Democrats in the House of Representatives unveiled legislation Tuesday that would make it a hate crime to eat at Chick-fil-A. The CFAHATE Act Of 2018 would make it a hate crime punishable by federal law to dine at […]
U.S.—In a powerful show of solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, COVID-19 has vowed not to infect anyone protesting inequality. The official COVID-19 account tweeted out, “In solidarity with those protesting inequality, I hereby vow not to infect anyone at BLM rallies.” “We need to take a moment to pause and hear what these […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold, powerful statement to oppose Trump, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi solemnly tore up the Bible after Trump was seen holding one up in front of a church. At a press conference, the Speaker of the House held up a Bible and then ripped it in two, declaring that she was […]
BEAVERTON, OR—Nike has released a commemorative shoe to honor those looting and burning down buildings across the country. The Nike Loot Force One comes packed with features the company says will help people loot safely and efficiently. From cushioned soles to make sure you make it through shattered windows without getting your feet cut to […]
MENLO PARK, CA—Giving his arms and legs a nice little stretch while reclining in his office chair Tuesday afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, confirmed that he had successfully completed another long day of deciding what people around the world should believe. “We’ve got over two billion users now, so it’s never been more important to […]
SANTEE JUNCTION, MO—At an early voting location this morning, African American citizen Conroy Ferguson turned white after voting Republican. Witnesses also claim he aged about 10 years and become perceivably more stuffy and unpleasant. Upon checking his wallet, Ferguson found his name had also changed to Clinton Hemsley. Hemsley attempted to return to his family […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a recent interview with a female representative of the segment of the human species identifying as female, Biden made a strong case for why all women everywhere should vote for him without question, or at least let him sniff their hair. “Look, the thing, you know what it is,” Biden said. “The womenfolk […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After House Republicans formally called for an investigation into the investigators investigating the Trump campaign, congressional Democrats quickly responded by calling for a new investigation into the investigators investigating the original investigators. The investigation will center around claims that the investigators assigned to investigate the investigators may show significant bias, with the new investigators […]
U.S.—Most people seemed to be pretty content just sitting in their homes watching their jobs disappear and having the government send them money every month, as long as more content keeps getting added to Netflix. But hairstylists aren’t most people. They have begun what is being called the “Second American Revolution,” descending on state capitol […]
DETROIT, MI—On Meet the Press Sunday, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer reminded everyone that “revolutions and revolts are simply un-American.” Whitmer called on the protesters in her state to stop their illegal assembling, reminding them that protesting so-called tyranny is a foreign idea to the history of the United States. “Protesting and revolting against your wise rulers […]
U.S.—The Biden campaign is facing a real communication problem as Joe Biden’s speeches are growing more and more nonsensical. In order to overcome this challenge, aides have hired an interpreter to translate everything he says into normal, human-style English. “My fellow Americans, pickle hamster meatloaf. The thing. Potato!” Biden began. “My fellow Americans, thank you […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has unveiled his new proposal for Americans to cast their votes via telegram. The confused, elderly candidate announced the plan in a speech today. “Voting by the ol’ telegram is guaranteed to eliminate all kinds of malarkey,” Biden said. “I’d like to see the Russians try to hack the ol’ Western Union system. It’s […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—“OBAMAGATE!” President Trump posted on Twitter, announcing that he had installed a new gate specially designed to keep out Barack Obama. “That Obama is always trying to get in here to spy on me!” Trump further told the press. “And he’s wily. But this new gate will make sure he never gets in here. […]