Entries by The Babylon Bee

House Democrats Draft Legislation That Would Make It A Hate Crime To Eat At Chick-Fil-A

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Under intense pressure from their left-leaning constituents to do something about the dangerous, Christian-founded restaurant chain, Democrats in the House of Representatives unveiled legislation Tuesday that would make it a hate crime to eat at Chick-fil-A. The CFAHATE Act Of 2018 would make it a hate crime punishable by federal law to dine at […]

In Bold Anti-Trump Statement, Pelosi Rips Up Bible

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold, powerful statement to oppose Trump, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi solemnly tore up the Bible after Trump was seen holding one up in front of a church. At a press conference, the Speaker of the House held up a Bible and then ripped it in two, declaring that she was […]

Nike Releases Commemorative Shoe To Honor Looters

BEAVERTON, OR—Nike has released a commemorative shoe to honor those looting and burning down buildings across the country. The Nike Loot Force One comes packed with features the company says will help people loot safely and efficiently. From cushioned soles to make sure you make it through shattered windows without getting your feet cut to […]

Black Man Votes Republican, Immediately Turns White

SANTEE JUNCTION, MO—At an early voting location this morning, African American citizen Conroy Ferguson turned white after voting Republican. Witnesses also claim he aged about 10 years and become perceivably more stuffy and unpleasant. Upon checking his wallet, Ferguson found his name had also changed to Clinton Hemsley. Hemsley attempted to return to his family […]

Democratic Leaders Call For New Investigation To Investigate The Investigators Investigating The Investigators

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After House Republicans formally called for an investigation into the investigators investigating the Trump campaign, congressional Democrats quickly responded by calling for a new investigation into the investigators investigating the original investigators. The investigation will center around claims that the investigators assigned to investigate the investigators may show significant bias, with the new investigators […]

State Governors Flee In Terror As Hairstylists Wielding Shears Lead Mass Uprising

U.S.—Most people seemed to be pretty content just sitting in their homes watching their jobs disappear and having the government send them money every month, as long as more content keeps getting added to Netflix. But hairstylists aren’t most people. They have begun what is being called the “Second American Revolution,” descending on state capitol […]

Michigan Governor: ‘Revolting Against A Tyrannical Government Is Simply Un-American’

DETROIT, MI—On Meet the Press Sunday, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer reminded everyone that “revolutions and revolts are simply un-American.” Whitmer called on the protesters in her state to stop their illegal assembling, reminding them that protesting so-called tyranny is a foreign idea to the history of the United States. “Protesting and revolting against your wise rulers […]

Biden Campaign Hires Interpreter To Translate His Speeches Into English

U.S.—The Biden campaign is facing a real communication problem as Joe Biden’s speeches are growing more and more nonsensical. In order to overcome this challenge, aides have hired an interpreter to translate everything he says into normal, human-style English. “My fellow Americans, pickle hamster meatloaf. The thing. Potato!” Biden began. “My fellow Americans, thank you […]

Biden Unveils Vote-By-Telegram Proposal

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has unveiled his new proposal for Americans to cast their votes via telegram. The confused, elderly candidate announced the plan in a speech today. “Voting by the ol’ telegram is guaranteed to eliminate all kinds of malarkey,” Biden said. “I’d like to see the Russians try to hack the ol’ Western Union system. It’s […]

White House Installs Obamagate To Keep Out Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C.—“OBAMAGATE!” President Trump posted on Twitter, announcing that he had installed a new gate specially designed to keep out Barack Obama. “That Obama is always trying to get in here to spy on me!” Trump further told the press. “And he’s wily. But this new gate will make sure he never gets in here. […]