WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Attorney General Barr suggested that the FBI and other agencies spied on Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign, former FBI director James Comey fired back. “We did not spy,” he told reporters as he stretched for his morning yoga class. “We just observed and reported secretly without the subject’s knowledge or consent.” “See, I’ve never […]
U.S.— Americans in several states are readily adopting new social distancing measures that will guarantee that no one ever gets sick again. California, New York, Michigan and Washington state legislatures have all issued new orders to their citizens to indefinitely don a plastic hamster ball whenever they decide to travel outside their home. The human-sized […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump today announced that “out of an abundance of caution” all reporters present at White House press briefings must wear MAGA masks. All who entered the briefing area were asked to remove any personal masks and to instead don one of the new red masks with “Make America Great Again” embroidered into the fabric. “These […]
NEW YORK, NY—Having let his facial hair grow freely for several weeks, New York Mayor Bill De Blasio held a press conference this morning where he unveiled special red armbands for police enforcing the city’s quarantine on the Jewish community. “The red armband represents our commitment to public health,” he said. “City workers and police […]
SAN BRUNO, CA—In light of the ongoing fight to halt the spread of dangerous or yucky opinions, YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki has announced new changes to Google’s video-sharing platform. Starting next week, any video that does not begin with the glorious strains of China’s uplifting national anthem will be immediately deleted from the platform. “China […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden was cleared in federal court today of charges that some claimed were based upon credible allegations of sexual assault when the judge quickly realized that Joe Biden was not a Republican. “Well, this looks pretty serious… let’s see who is on—wait a minute. He’s a Democrat! I can […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—While President Trump and some Republican governors are pushing to reopen the country soon, Democrats are much more cautious as they see a looming disaster if America ends the shutdown early: Trump getting credit for a growing economy. “Right now, we have record joblessness, and GDP is certainly going to take a huge hit,” […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—At his press conference last night, President Trump told everyone to stay hydrated and drink lots of water. “Water’s tremendous, very powerful stuff,” he said. “You won’t believe the things they can do with water. Water balloons. Water slides. Water beds. It’s amazing. You can freeze it and make ice, I’m told. Ice is […]
WASHINGTON, D.C—As more state governors lock down and enslave their people, one hero has been called to save Americans from their masters. President Donald Trump says he was commanded by a burning rose bush in the Rose Garden to confront Democratic state governors over their tyranny. He first said he wasn’t sure he could do […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump has built up a lot of buzz over the coming stimulus payments, saying he has hidden five golden tickets among the checks heading to Americans this week. Anyone who gets a golden ticket will win a free tour of Mar-a-Lago. Rumor has it that Trump will be watching them closely to see which […]
ATLANTA, GA—CNN finally gave a detailed report on Biden’s sexual assault allegations on its evening broadcast Thursday. “Well, looks like something has happened with Biden,” said a CNN anchor. “For more details on this possible scandal, we go now to our revered correspondent, Mr. Cricket. Cricket, your thoughts?” The cricket chirped for a full three minutes, […]
U.S.—Medical experts were excited to announce today that Democrats have achieved herd immunity against sexual assault allegations. After getting accused of sexual assault thousands and thousands of times for so many years, the Democrats developed some kind of antibodies against the allegations. Researchers are taking blood samples to isolate the antibodies to see if a […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an Instagram video filmed from her posh D.C. apartment, socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called on all Americans to infect themselves with the Wuhan coronavirus to prove they are accepting of viruses and diseases of all colors and nationalities. “If you refuse to get infected with the coronavirus just because it’s Chinese, you are what’s […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—If Joe Biden wins the Democratic nomination, his running mate will be a woman, he said Sunday. He then promised that no matter which woman he appointed as his running mate, he would stand behind her at all times. Biden, throughout his presidential run, has mentioned a host of women as possible vice-presidential picks […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has committed to wearing a mask in public to be a good example and to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Aides were disappointed and a little frightened, however, when Biden immediately cut a large hole in the middle of the mask so he could continue to invade people’s personal space and sniff […]