Entries by The Babylon Bee

Comey: ‘We Did Not Spy—We Just Observed And Reported Secretly Without The Subject’s Knowledge Or Consent’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Attorney General Barr suggested that the FBI and other agencies spied on Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign, former FBI director James Comey fired back. “We did not spy,” he told reporters as he stretched for his morning yoga class. “We just observed and reported secretly without the subject’s knowledge or consent.” “See, I’ve never […]

Several States Issue Orders Requiring People To Run Around In Giant Hamster Balls

U.S.— Americans in several states are readily adopting new social distancing measures that will guarantee that no one ever gets sick again. California, New York, Michigan and Washington state legislatures have all issued new orders to their citizens to indefinitely don a plastic hamster ball whenever they decide to travel outside their home.  The human-sized […]

Trump Announces All Reporters At White House Press Briefings Must Wear MAGA Masks

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump today announced that “out of an abundance of caution” all reporters present at White House press briefings must wear MAGA masks. All who entered the briefing area were asked to remove any personal masks and to instead don one of the new red masks with “Make America Great Again” embroidered into the fabric. “These […]

Newly Mustachioed Bill De Blasio Unveils Special Red Armbands For Police Enforcing Lockdown

NEW YORK, NY—Having let his facial hair grow freely for several weeks, New York Mayor Bill De Blasio held a press conference this morning where he unveiled special red armbands for police enforcing the city’s quarantine on the Jewish community. “The red armband represents our commitment to public health,” he said. “City workers and police […]

Judge Dismisses Sexual Assault Allegations Against Biden On Grounds That He Is Not A Republican

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden was cleared in federal court today of charges that some claimed were based upon credible allegations of sexual assault when the judge quickly realized that Joe Biden was not a Republican. “Well, this looks pretty serious… let’s see who is on—wait a minute. He’s a Democrat! I can […]

Democrats Warn We Shouldn’t Reopen The Country Until We Can Be Safe From Trump Getting Credit For A Good Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While President Trump and some Republican governors are pushing to reopen the country soon, Democrats are much more cautious as they see a looming disaster if America ends the shutdown early: Trump getting credit for a growing economy. “Right now, we have record joblessness, and GDP is certainly going to take a huge hit,” […]

Trump Says To Drink Lots Of Water, Media Reports He Told Everyone To Drown Themselves

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At his press conference last night, President Trump told everyone to stay hydrated and drink lots of water. “Water’s tremendous, very powerful stuff,” he said. “You won’t believe the things they can do with water. Water balloons. Water slides. Water beds. It’s amazing. You can freeze it and make ice, I’m told. Ice is […]

Cricket In CNN Newsroom Gives Detailed Report On Biden Allegations

ATLANTA, GA—CNN finally gave a detailed report on Biden’s sexual assault allegations on its evening broadcast Thursday. “Well, looks like something has happened with Biden,” said a CNN anchor. “For more details on this possible scandal, we go now to our revered correspondent, Mr. Cricket. Cricket, your thoughts?” The cricket chirped for a full three minutes, […]

Medical Experts Confirm Democrats Have Developed Herd Immunity To Sexual Assault Allegations

U.S.—Medical experts were excited to announce today that Democrats have achieved herd immunity against sexual assault allegations. After getting accused of sexual assault thousands and thousands of times for so many years, the Democrats developed some kind of antibodies against the allegations. Researchers are taking blood samples to isolate the antibodies to see if a […]

Ocasio-Cortez: ‘If You Don’t Infect Yourself With The Coronavirus, You Are A Racist’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an Instagram video filmed from her posh D.C. apartment, socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called on all Americans to infect themselves with the Wuhan coronavirus to prove they are accepting of viruses and diseases of all colors and nationalities. “If you refuse to get infected with the coronavirus just because it’s Chinese, you are what’s […]

Biden: ‘Not Only Will I Appoint A Woman Running Mate, But I Will Stand Behind Her At All Times’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—If Joe Biden wins the Democratic nomination, his running mate will be a woman, he said Sunday. He then promised that no matter which woman he appointed as his running mate, he would stand behind her at all times. Biden, throughout his presidential run, has mentioned a host of women as possible vice-presidential picks […]