U.S.—Horror has spread throughout the nation as the unthinkable has happened: A new, even deadlier successor to the AR-15 — the AR-16 — is now for sale. The gun is a lot like the destructive AR-15 but is even scarier, as it is wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat. The AR-15 was the […]
DES MOINES, IA—Many were shocked to turn to CNN last night and see what appeared to be a Ku Klux Klan rally. Airing for two hours was an all-white assembly of people talking about their superior plans for the country. CNN received numerous complaints but explained it was not a Klan rally but in fact […]
DES MOINES, IA—The FCC announced today that the next Democratic debate will not require viewers to use a color television. The decision was made in part due to the fact that all the remaining candidates are white. The FCC cites several other reasons for the change, however. The FCC reminded everyone in a statement that […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Mitch McConnell felt bad for Nancy Pelosi after watching her get forced to impeach the president by the radical wing of her party, then impeach him and sit on the articles of impeachment for weeks. So, he decided to cheer her up a bit. McConnell had his staffers deliver Pelosi a shirt reading “I […]
NEW YORK—In a tragic occurrence, the footage of Epstein’s suicide attempt was found hanging in its cell Friday in an apparent suicide. The footage reportedly strung itself up with a strip of cloth, hanged itself from the ceiling, and then shot itself three times in the back of the cassette. Shocked security guards found the footage […]
ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast. “Let the punishment fit the crime,” counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps. Hosts were […]
U.S.—President Trump’s approval rating among terrorists hit an all-time low today according to a CNN poll. This comes just days after he killed several of them. Of those surveyed, only six percent of terrorists–mostly white nationalists–said they approve of Trump’s performance. Of the 94 percent who disapproved, just half said they would like to see […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats desperately grasping at straws to find grounds to impeach and convict Trump announced Tuesday they are now regretting banning plastic straws. “We started grasping for straws but suddenly realized we had banned them a while back,” a downcast Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “We really should have seen this coming.” Many congresspeople keep straws […]
TEHRAN—Colin Kaepernick sent his workout video to Iran after learning they may have recently opened up a position but has yet to receive a phone call. Kaepernick condemned American attacks on Iranian terrorists last week, inciting rumors that he may have found a team interested in him in the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps. But Iranian officials […]
WORLD—Terrorists and other enemies of America, including China, North Korea, and California, all agreed to lay down their arms as Jack Wilson was deployed abroad. After Wilson, the hero of the recent Texas church shooting, was named the leader of America’s military operations abroad, terrorists immediately surrendered, knowing they had very little chance. Wilson was […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Motion Picture Association of America has called on all filmmakers to place a mandatory Chris Pratt warning in front of all films featuring the actor. The warning will alert liberal viewers that they may be exposed to the acting performance of a man they might disagree with on at least a few issues, […]
U.S.—With campaign contributions down 30% in the last quarter, you might think it’s time for Elizabeth Warren to throw in the tomahawk. But not this brave Native American warrior! “After spending several minutes digging deep into my rich 1/1024th Cherokee heritage, and communing with my spirit animal –you know, like we genuine Indians do all […]
U.S.—The nation’s media outlets announced they were grieving today as an armed citizen stopped a mass shooting. “We grieve that this tragedy we could have exploited for weeks on end was stopped by a good guy with a gun,” said one teary-eyed MSNBC reporter on the scene. “Our thoughts and prayers are with the shooter.” […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The dogs of San Francisco have announced a citywide cleanup initiative, in which the canines will carry little plastic bags with them wherever they go in order to clean up the massive dumps humans keep leaving on the sidewalk. The initiative is expected to freshen up the city significantly, ridding the sidewalk of […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Taking on a previously unregulated weapon, the federal government has instituted a five-day waiting period for all Nerf guns. “We decided it was time to act when we noticed how large the ammo is,” explained bureaucrat Joseph Clarkson. “The darts it fires are far larger than the average bullet, which must mean it’s a […]