Entries by The Babylon Bee

All-White Democratic Debate Mistaken For KKK Rally

DES MOINES, IA—Many were shocked to turn to CNN last night and see what appeared to be a Ku Klux Klan rally. Airing for two hours was an all-white assembly of people talking about their superior plans for the country. CNN received numerous complaints but explained it was not a Klan rally but in fact […]

Tragic: Footage Of Epstein Suicide Found Hanging In Cell

NEW YORK—In a tragic occurrence, the footage of Epstein’s suicide attempt was found hanging in its cell Friday in an apparent suicide. The footage reportedly strung itself up with a strip of cloth, hanged itself from the ceiling, and then shot itself three times in the back of the cassette. Shocked security guards found the footage […]

As Part Of Settlement With Nick Sandmann, CNN Hosts Must Wear MAGA Hats During All Broadcasts

ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast. “Let the punishment fit the crime,” counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps. Hosts were […]

Trump’s Approval Rating Among Terrorists Hits All-Time Low

U.S.—President Trump’s approval rating among terrorists hit an all-time low today according to a CNN poll. This comes just days after he killed several of them. Of those surveyed, only six percent of terrorists–mostly white nationalists–said they approve of Trump’s performance. Of the 94 percent who disapproved, just half said they would like to see […]

Democrats Grasping At Straws To Impeach Trump Now Regret Banning Straws

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats desperately grasping at straws to find grounds to impeach and convict Trump announced Tuesday they are now regretting banning plastic straws. “We started grasping for straws but suddenly realized we had banned them a while back,” a downcast Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “We really should have seen this coming.” Many congresspeople keep straws […]

Thousands Of Panicked Terrorists Surrender As Trump Deploys Jack Wilson To Middle East

WORLD—Terrorists and other enemies of America, including China, North Korea, and California, all agreed to lay down their arms as Jack Wilson was deployed abroad. After Wilson, the hero of the recent Texas church shooting, was named the leader of America’s military operations abroad, terrorists immediately surrendered, knowing they had very little chance. Wilson was […]

Elizabeth Warren Opens Casino To Help Finance Campaign

U.S.—With campaign contributions down 30% in the last quarter, you might think it’s time for Elizabeth Warren to throw in the tomahawk. But not this brave Native American warrior! “After spending several minutes digging deep into my rich 1/1024th Cherokee heritage, and communing with my spirit animal –you know, like we genuine Indians do all […]

San Francisco Dogs Begin Bagging People Poop

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The dogs of San Francisco have announced a citywide cleanup initiative, in which the canines will carry little plastic bags with them wherever they go in order to clean up the massive dumps humans keep leaving on the sidewalk. The initiative is expected to freshen up the city significantly, ridding the sidewalk of […]

Waiting Period Mandated For Nerf Gun Purchases

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Taking on a previously unregulated weapon, the federal government has instituted a five-day waiting period for all Nerf guns. “We decided it was time to act when we noticed how large the ammo is,” explained bureaucrat Joseph Clarkson. “The darts it fires are far larger than the average bullet, which must mean it’s a […]