Entries by The Babylon Bee

Kamala Harris Demoted To Meter Maid After Failed Campaign

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Kamala Harris, the nation’s most famous cop, has been demoted to meter maid in reaction to her failed presidential campaign. As soon as she dropped out of the presidential race, she was called into the office of her police chief. “I’m going to need your gun and badge,” her chief said before handing […]

In Genius Move, Trump Supports Impeachment, Forcing Democrats To Oppose

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The impeachment hearings have been thrown into chaos after President Trump announced that he supports impeachment, forcing Democrats to oppose their own impeachment inquiry. “Impeachment? I’m for it. Great idea. Best idea, maybe ever,” he said, adding that he’s “getting kinda sick of all this winning anyway.” “Sure, why not. Impeach me. I love […]

Capitol Building To Be Decorated As Giant Circus Tent For Duration Of Impeachment Hearings

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In honor of the impeachment hearings beginning this week, the Capitol Building has been decorated to look like a giant circus tent. As soon as congressional maintenance staff heard that the impeachment hearings were going to begin, they went into storage and got out “the Big Top,” also used during the Kavanaugh hearings last […]

Greta Thunberg Mural Equipped With Laser Eyes That Shoot At SUVs

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A new mural in downtown San Francisco of Swedish teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg has a surprise for passersby: her eyes are equipped with high-powered lasers designed to seek and destroy carbon-emitting SUVs on the streets below. “We want the mural to really make a positive impact in the fight against climate change,” a […]

Kamala Harris Proposes Dropping Kids Off At School When They Turn 5 And Picking Them Back Up When They Turn 30

U.S.—Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest amazing policy proposal: having parents drop their kids off at government schools when they turn 5 and not picking them up until they turn 30. The proposal would have parents bid goodbye to their children when they drop them off at kindergarten and not see them again until they […]

Archaeologists Discover AR-15 Cain Used To Kill Abel

IRAQ—Archaeologists working near the ancient Fertile Crescent made a stunning discovery Friday morning: the AR-15 Cain used to kill Abel as recorded in the Bible. Scholars have long suspected Cain could not have committed history’s first murder without access to some kind of assault weapon since guns are the root of all violence. Now, there’s […]

Millennial Wishes There Were Some Historical Examples Of Socialism We Could Study To Have Some Idea How It Might Turn Out

PORTLAND, OR—Local socialist millennial man Matthew Hatter lamented Monday that there are no concrete examples of socialism he can point to in order to have some kind of idea how it would turn out. “If only there were other countries that have tried socialism before,” Hatter said to a friend at an ethical coffee shop, […]

Obama Canceled After Activists Dig Up Old Presidential Campaign Where He Opposed Gay Marriage

CHICAGO, IL—Former President Barack Obama caused a stir while speaking at a summit in Chicago. He called out “cancel culture,” telling people that doing things like being “judgmental” and “casting stones” wasn’t helping anyone and was just causing further divisions. This caused immediate outrage from the left. “So now he doesn’t want us judging NAZIS?!” […]