SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Kamala Harris, the nation’s most famous cop, has been demoted to meter maid in reaction to her failed presidential campaign. As soon as she dropped out of the presidential race, she was called into the office of her police chief. “I’m going to need your gun and badge,” her chief said before handing […]
U.S.—A fun new “Greta on the Shelf” doll will watch you every day and fly back to the UN each night to report your climate sins to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. The doll is equipped with eye sensors programmed to detect activities that are harmful to the environment. “Greta sees you when you’re […]
U.S.—Many have criticized Joe Biden’s new campaign slogan, “No Malarkey,” for being out of touch and old-fashioned. But new polls show that the slogan is actually a huge hit among the working class in the 1920s. While a minority said Trump was their man and a few liked some of the other Democratic candidates, over […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A turkey recently pardoned by President Trump was found dead after claiming to have dirt on the Clintons, sources at the FBI confirmed today. The official cause of death was suicide, though the bullet wounds were in the back of the turkey’s head and the bird lacked opposable thumbs with which to operate a […]
ATLANTA, GA—In this week’s Democratic debate, a wide gap emerged between the candidates as they laid out their competing visions to cripple the country’s economy. In a crowded field, the Democratic candidates are scrambling to set themselves apart as the one with the most effective plan to crush our economic growth. Elizabeth Warren claimed to […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bernie Sanders has promised that Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will play a key role in his White House if he’s elected, saying he will put her in charge of math. Sanders said he will create a Department of Math that will make sure everyone knows math and figure out ways to bend mathematical realities to […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The exciting new TV show Impeachment Inquiry was poised to take the ratings by storm, promising to eclipse all the other shows in its time slot. But the show will be canceled after one season, like a lot of bad TV shows and also Firefly. After just five rocky episodes that failed to deliver any major plot […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The impeachment hearings have been thrown into chaos after President Trump announced that he supports impeachment, forcing Democrats to oppose their own impeachment inquiry. “Impeachment? I’m for it. Great idea. Best idea, maybe ever,” he said, adding that he’s “getting kinda sick of all this winning anyway.” “Sure, why not. Impeach me. I love […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In honor of the impeachment hearings beginning this week, the Capitol Building has been decorated to look like a giant circus tent. As soon as congressional maintenance staff heard that the impeachment hearings were going to begin, they went into storage and got out “the Big Top,” also used during the Kavanaugh hearings last […]
UK—In an interview with the BBC, Hillary Clinton said she is being urged to run for president in 2020 by “many, many, many” voices in her head. “I’m under enormous pressure from many, many, many voices in my head to think about it,” she said. She went on, elaborating on all the voices that echo inside […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A new mural in downtown San Francisco of Swedish teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg has a surprise for passersby: her eyes are equipped with high-powered lasers designed to seek and destroy carbon-emitting SUVs on the streets below. “We want the mural to really make a positive impact in the fight against climate change,” a […]
U.S.—Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest amazing policy proposal: having parents drop their kids off at government schools when they turn 5 and not picking them up until they turn 30. The proposal would have parents bid goodbye to their children when they drop them off at kindergarten and not see them again until they […]
IRAQ—Archaeologists working near the ancient Fertile Crescent made a stunning discovery Friday morning: the AR-15 Cain used to kill Abel as recorded in the Bible. Scholars have long suspected Cain could not have committed history’s first murder without access to some kind of assault weapon since guns are the root of all violence. Now, there’s […]
PORTLAND, OR—Local socialist millennial man Matthew Hatter lamented Monday that there are no concrete examples of socialism he can point to in order to have some kind of idea how it would turn out. “If only there were other countries that have tried socialism before,” Hatter said to a friend at an ethical coffee shop, […]
CHICAGO, IL—Former President Barack Obama caused a stir while speaking at a summit in Chicago. He called out “cancel culture,” telling people that doing things like being “judgmental” and “casting stones” wasn’t helping anyone and was just causing further divisions. This caused immediate outrage from the left. “So now he doesn’t want us judging NAZIS?!” […]