SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Liberals at Twitter were outraged this morning upon finding out almost 10% of their company is now owned by an African-American. Several have threatened walk-outs to protest the news. “That man’s foreign ways aren’t welcome here,” said Twitter Programming Director Xerxie Vamoosixx, (xe/xir.) “I watched a TikTok video about a Salon article about a tweet from a journalist that said […]
TALLAHASSEE, FL—The popular topical pain-relieving cream Bengay is undergoing a name change in order to stay compliant with Florida law. Starting next month, the sore muscle medication will be sold under the new name “Benstraight.” “Due to Ron DeSantis’s new legislation, the word ‘gay’ is now completely forbidden in the state of Florida. At least—that’s what […]
ORLANDO, FL—On July 1st, teachers throughout Florida will no longer be permitted to encourage discussions about sex with children in grades kindergarten through grade 3. Florida teachers have been adamant that they’ve never encouraged such discussions in their classrooms but they are weirdly outraged that they will no longer be able to. “I have never once […]
U.S.—Disney+ has announced some new parental features coming to the popular streaming platform. Now to ensure that parents do not get in the way of their children’s viewing experience, Disney+ will ask to confirm that no parents are in the room before viewing any content. “We have to stick to our core values. And that’s […]
LOS ANGELES—The average gas price in the state of California is now $6.66, according to a report by the LA Times. This has made it tricky for some motorists who keep bursting into flames every time they fill up their gas tanks. Biblical scholars are reviewing the text of Revelation to see if this correlates […]
Are you smart enough to spot the difference between a quote from the Vice President, and a muppet from Sesame Street?! Only the smartest, keenest of minds are able to discern the difference between a quote from Kamala Harris or Elmo. Test your knowledge below! Quote: “[…] loves to learn, learn about it all. The things that are big […]
What is a woman? Nobody knows—not even Supreme Court nominees. But we’ve come up with a few key indicators to look for. Run through this list and keep track of how many “yes” answers you come up with. The more affirmatives, the more likely you’re a chick! 1. Are you always cold? 2. Has a […]
Do You Know More About Basic Human Biology Than Biden’s SCOTUS Nominee? Biden’s Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson is very, very smart. We know this because she went to Harvard. But as she admitted, she’s no biologist. Do you know more about basic biology than Ketanji Brown Jackson? Take the test to find out […]
U.S.—Twitter dealt a devastating blow to The Babylon Bee yesterday after banning them from telling transgender jokes, which is one of the only two jokes they know. “Guys, what are we going to do?!” cried Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann while pacing back and forth. “Those ‘man-identifies-as’ jokes represent almost all our material! We’re finished! FINISHED, I tell […]
ATLANTA, GA—Celebrations for winning the 500-yard freestyle at the NCAA Women’s Swimming and Diving Championships were short-lived for convincingly female athlete Lia Thomas, as authorities caught her in possession of performance-enhancing testicles. “Investigators will need time to sift through the trail of evidence right now,” said NCAA’s Head of Testicle Enforcement, Bob Huevos, while holding […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has continued to escalate and Washington has wasted no time in pledging support. According to sources, Congress has voted unanimously to send Ukraine a $600 stimulus check. “We did it!” cheered Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “Now the bill goes to—” she glanced down at her notes before continuing, “the President to sign! […]
WASHINGTON, D.C—The Senate has passed legislation that would make daylight savings time permanent. This decision has garnered bipartisan support but has run into a slight hiccup as congresswoman AOC has objected, stating we must continue to set our clocks twice a year. “I for one am in favor of saving sunshine, not letting it go […]
The Babylon Bee has selected Rachel Levine as its first annual Man of the Year. Levine is the U.S. assistant secretary for health for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, where he serves proudly as the first man in that position to dress like a western cultural stereotype of a woman. He is also […]
Oops! Looks like you’ve been condemned. You really shouldn’t have read those Harry Potter books. We warned you those were bad news. Hell is full of terribly unspeakable punishments, but here are the most brutal: 1) You get a cell phone but can only receive calls about your car warranty that’s about to expire: Just the […]
KYIV—Legends tell of a heroic fighter ace patrolling the skies above Ukraine, single-handedly beating back Russian air power. Latest reports indicate he has shot down between 13 and 793 enemy aircraft since the Russian army invaded over a week ago. Now, The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive, never-before-seen photo of the famous Ukrainian war […]