tion report really wishing we had our own oil we could dig up with big machines and then transport around with some sort of pipeline. “If only we had oil, and knew how to get it,” said one local mom as she shelled out $300 for gas to take her kids to soccer practice. “Then […]
Pfizer wanted to withhold vaccine data until 2096 but some annoying judge told them to release it now. The Babylon Bee has combed through hundreds of pages of documents to find data that backs up our already preconceived conclusions. Here are ten scary side effects we discovered: 1) Covid: Hey, wait a second! 2) 23% increase in attractiveness […]
EL PASO, TX—In a last-ditch effort to get Democrats to start caring about border security, the Texas government has disguised their southern border as the border between Ukraine and Russia. “Oh please, won’t someone please help us?” said Texas Governor Greg Abbot while hoisting blue and yellow flags all along the border fence. “Putin’s forces […]
NEW YORK, NY—Whoopi Goldberg again made waves after publicly questioning why America should care about the war in Ukraine since it’s “just two groups of white people” duking it out. “Genocide? How could this possibly end up being genocide? They’re all white!” said Ms. Goldberg as her co-hosts nodded in unison. “Has anyone seen a picture […]
Are you having trouble getting your fallout shelter in order in time for the brisk nuclear winter that is certainly coming? Have no fear–we at The Babylon Bee are experts in doomsday prepping! Use this list to ensure you have everything you need: 1) A ten-year supply of Goya Beans and a lead-lined MyPillow: Both are on […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Putin led Russia in an unprovoked attack on Ukraine, Biden addressed the world and outlined the steps he’d take to stop Russia from rampaging through Eastern Europe. “Listen, folks, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this, today I directed my social media manager to unfollow Putin on Twitter,” said Biden. “That […]
Watch out! Every company you love has become WOKE! If you want to avoid supporting progressive businesses then you’ll need to be prepared. Consider these fantastic alternatives to some of the more notable liberal corporations. Instead of Twitter …use TRUTH Social for 3 weeks before Trump cans it. Then go back to Twitter. Instead of […]
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Ron DeSantis has signed into law a new bill called the “Only Say Gay If You Mean Lame” bill, which does just what it says: in Florida schools, you can now only say “gay” if you are calling somebody uncool. “Here in the free state of Florida, ‘gay’ only means one thing: totally […]
LAUREL, MS—Inspired by the fight for medical freedom in Canada, local retiree Dale O’Reilly decided to donate to the Trucker Convoy. But in order to keep from getting doxxed by the Washington Post, he very wisely entered his name as “Hunter Biden.” Smart! “I and the missus like to give money to worthy causes, but we […]
NEW YORK, NY—Security footage newly uncovered by Special Counsel Durham shows Hillary Clinton sneaking into the Trump Tower server room to steal campaign secrets and plant incriminating links to Russia. In the shocking surveillance video, Hillary is seen dropping down from the ceiling to avoid high-tech laser sensors and the motion-activated floor alarm. She appears to plug a […]
ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has released new guidance for how states should deal with the pandemic by telling everyone to just go ahead and do what Texas did 12 months ago. “Yeah, we were pretty much wrong about literally everything. Sorry about that!” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky to the press. “It would seem the official science […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden Admin has announced plans for 500 million new masks which will be shipped out for free to U.S. residents. These masks will have a brand-new design feature: a small mouth hole so that people can easily smoke their government-issued crack pipes. “We are proud of our equity initiative to send out safe crack-smoking kits […]
ATLANTA, GA—Beloved Georgia politician Stacey Abrams was viciously pounced upon by conservative critics after being photographed maskless while she was surrounded by dozens of masked schoolchildren. But the haters quickly walked back their criticisms of the political firebrand after Abrams informed them that she’s the Governor and governors don’t have to wear masks. “After hearing that Abrams […]
The Beijing 2022 Winter Olympics have begun! Elite athletes from all over the globe have descended upon China to find out who will have the honor of being blacklisted for suggesting China is a dictatorship that is actively committing genocide. We haven’t seen an Olympiad this tense since Jesse Owens beat Adolf Hitler in a foot race […]
MCALLEN, TX—Haitian migrant Tamara Garcia was searching for a better life in America as she waded across the Rio Grande river last week. She was quickly apprehended by border patrol agents who asked her why she didn’t take a free government flight to the US instead. “I should have done my homework before sneaking into the […]