Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.
Do not jeopardize your livelihood for a night out having fun. By observing the following tips, you can still have a great time and live.
- Pay your own way. Ignore the traditional rule of the tyrant feeding his subjects. Most dictators tend to think that just because they bought you a meal with other people’s money, you owe them something at the end of the night.
- Define the degree of your compliance with his authority. Let him know if you find his dictatorial methods unacceptable; if this angers him, mark this as a red flag.
- Do not rely on the tyrant for transportation – you may wind up in a boxcar or in an armored vehicle, being interrogated by a dictator you don’t really know that well.
- Don’t get high. In all reported violent revolutions, drugs and alcohol were a major factor. So for the first couple of dates, discuss the greater good of subjugating the individual to the state authority in a non-alcoholic setting. In addition, leaving your drink unattended around a dictator may lead to a speedy confiscation and redistribution of your property.
- Don’t let your guard down. It doesn’t matter if the dictator seems nice – keep an eye on your belongings. Watch your purse, wallet, tax records, and bank accounts. Being overly trusting may signal an easy target to a dictator with dictatorial intentions.
- Withhold personal information. Don’t divulge your ethnicity, political leanings, or if you have wealthy bourgeois relatives. Only after you have collected some compromising info on him is the dictator worthy of your trust.
- Keep a thorough, detailed record of your date – in writing, or with concealed audio or video recording equipment. Having incriminating evidence hidden in a safe place will help to ensure a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Clues For Spotting Maniacal Dictators On Dating Websites
The internet can be a rewarding place to meet great people, but there’s also the chance of meeting some who aren’t so great – who signed up with a status of “benevolent ruler of all people” when in real life they are power-grabbing sociopaths only one mass murder away from a documentary on the History Channel.
To avoid falling into the hands of a megalomaniac tyrant, watch for the following signs:
Clue #1: His profile is littered with oil portraits of him wearing a uniform with plenty of medals, holding weapons, or riding a horse. The majority of narcissistic tyrants pose for pictures with an upturned head, staring dreamily above eye level into the distance. (A dictator who allows himself to be photographed as a mere human is just asking for a coup d’état).
Clue #2: He will tell you not to call him. In most cases, autocrats are the ones to initiate contact. A lot of dictators tend to look for someone who seems submissive, trusting, naïve, and easily manipulated. They will seek out such vulnerabilities by sending you frequent emails with requests for donations and links to their web pages, where you must fill out forms and answer various questions so they can determine just how easy a target you are.
Clue #3: Even if you have his number but wind up leaving a message or speaking to his underlings, this can be a sign of trouble. When he finally calls you back, there is always some bizarre story about one or another urgent show trial or a botched assassination attempt. Of course, there is a chance that he really is busy – instigating wars, running guns, or executing enemies of the state – but you don’t deserve that kind of unpredictability. There is always another, kinder, gentler, more predictable dictator just waiting to oppress you.
The People’s Cube is committed to safe dictator-dating and actively promotes it by being a go-to guide for all those in the totalitarian dating community.
Credit for the above image goes to Nolan Beck, who, in the spirit of V-Day, brought different socialist dictators together in one Valentine package. We just edited it a bit to fit our format.