Progress: U.S. Military Introduces Very First Gender-Neutral Bomb

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Many have charged the U.S. military with becoming “woke” in recent years, and more fuel has been added to that fire with the latest announcement from the Pentagon: The U.S. military is unveiling a gender-neutral bomb.

“This bomb is absolutely fabulous,” announced General “Sparkles” McKenzie. “Finally, a bomb that respects all genders and all members of the LGBTQ community… as enemy combatants who will be incinerated by it.”

The new bomb (pronouns “xe/xem”) works the same whether it is killing men or women or any non-binary genders. It also ignores white privilege and is said to be carbon neutral (as long as each time it’s dropped it kills at least ten people to offset the carbon released in making and exploding it).

Conservative troglodytes have reacted negatively. “I don’t want no woke bombs,” said local dumb racist Wilson Porter. “I hear rumors they turn you gay just before killing ya. Why can’t we be like in the past, like in World War II in Germany when war was just killing a bunch of straight white men?”

The military is said to be working on even more progressive equipment now, such as a depleted uranium tank shell that respects pronouns.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

New Game ‘Call Of Duty: Rittenhouse’ Lets You Defend Your Home From A Horde Of Bloodthirsty Communists

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Activision surprised the gaming world with a new game trailer revealing the next game in the popular Call of Duty series. Set to be released any day now, Call of Duty: Rittenhouse lets you defend your home from a horde of bloodthirsty communists.

“Developers have toiled this past year without sleep, food, or contact with loved ones, so we could launch this politically poignant and incredibly fulfilling game in time for the Holidays and the jury’s verdict of not guilty,” said Activision CEO, Roberto Activision.

Some reviewers with advanced copies have expressed worry about how the game presents the hordes of communists, citing an overreliance on the trope of fighting zombies.

“While it’s fun blasting the mindless, pale, pasty, brain-dead, weak, pathetic, unhealthy, delusional horde of Antifa commies, I still feel like I’m just playing Left4Dead again,” said video game reviewer Stan Gatan. “Then again, it just feels right blowing the heads off clueless idiots trying to destroy the homes of hard-working Americans. 9.5 out of 10.”

Activision also revealed a special expansion that lets players defend the U.S. Capitol from terrifying hordes of Qanon-worshipping Trump supporters.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden To Repurpose Oil Pipeline To Carry Illegal Immigrants

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LANSING, MI—As fuel prices skyrocket across a country already dealing with porous and insecure borders, the Biden administration confirmed that it will shut down an oil pipeline in Michigan so it can be repurposed to carry illegal immigrants into the heart of America.

Critics question whether the Biden administration’s decision to decrease the availability of gas while increasing the flow of illegal immigrants is a good decision, but those people are racist, according to experts.

“We were told by MSNBC just this morning that inflation is actually a good thing,” said Press Secretary Jen Psaki, “That’s why this new migration pipeline will be good for America in both increasing gas prices as well as helping voters—err—immigrants start a new life in America.”

When asked if allowing mass illegal immigration is a desperate attempt to increase potential democrat voters following the wave of defeats from the 2021 elections in states like Virginia, Psaki clarified that the sole purpose of the pipeline was to help immigrants and that the pipeline’s name, “VOTERS 4 2022 XL” was just circumstantial.

The Biden administration has also announced plans to dump shipping containers into the ocean and repurpose the empty cargo ships for transporting illegal immigrants up to Canada so they can ride the newly repurposed pipeline.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Now That He’s Sold The Pfizer Vaccine, Here Are 10 More Upcoming Product Endorsements From Big Bird

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The beloved Sesame Street character Big Bird is finally doing what he was born to do: sell pharmaceutical products to small children! After his resounding success in selling a Pfizer vaccine, here are 10 more exciting Big Bird product endorsements PBS is planning:

1) The brand new cereal Pfizer-O’s: Every bowl is the equivalent of one additional COVID booster. The FDA says it’s a balanced part of your complete breakfast! Cool!

2) Pfizer’s watermelon flavored puberty blocker chewables: change your gender without sacrificing taste.

3) Lead finger-paint set: This is a great way to boost your child’s immunity to lead poisoning. Made in China.

4) Communist Manifesto: Illustrated Children’s Edition: It’s never too early to introduce your kids to the greatest political ideology on earth. A great alternative to Tuttle Twins books.

5) Fisher Price’s My First Pregnancy Test: They even come in pink and blue, depending on whether your pregnant child is a man or a woman!

6) Waterboarding kit: A great way for kids to learn how we treat enemies of the state.

7) COVID Heroes Trading Cards: Fauci, Whitmer, Newsom… collect ’em all!

8) Injectable sugar: a great way to boost your energy on the go!

9) Afghanistan withdrawal Lego set: Reenact Biden’s heroic withdrawal from Afghanistan, and decide who gets left behind!

10) A government-issued satellite phone for reporting your parents to the state: Don’t let them get away with mask violations on your watch!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Good News For Dems: Biden And Harris Now Polling At 66% Approval If You Combine Their Numbers

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats are thrilled after new polling data revealed Biden’s approval rating is 38% and Kamala Harris’s approval rating is 28%, which when combined, adds up to a combined approval rating of 66%.

“Biden and Harris are a great team,” said Psaki to reporters. “Especially when they come together to add up their approval ratings. 66%! Wow! That’s a really good number!”

Experts are pointing to Biden’s stellar performance on the economy, his confident leadership, and mathematical addition as reasons why his combined approval rating with Kamala is so high.

“We think it’s safe to say our country is in great hands,” said all the CNN anchors, whose combined ratings are almost as good as Tucker Carlson’s.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Verdict Is In: Jury Finds Kyle Rittenhouse ‘Based’ And ‘An Absolute Chad’

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MADISON, WI—After minutes of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of Kyle Rittenhouse has rendered the verdict that the defendant is in fact “Based” and “An Absolute Chad.”

The decision was read aloud by the foreman of the jury, despite the jury on Twitter already handing down their decision of Guilty on all charges way back on August 26, 2020.

Kyle Rittenhouse had been charged on multiple counts of murder after he shot several people amid the riotous looting that occurred in Kenosha in the name of social justice after the police shooting of Jacob Blake. It is possible that Rittenhouse didn’t get the memo that all the destruction and looting he saw was being done in the name of social justice.

Rittenhouse was pursued by a group of rioters who were threatening to kill him, according to eyewitness testimony. After a gunshot was fired by someone else, one man lunged at him to take his AR-15 away and consequently was shot. After that, Rittenhouse was pursued by two other attackers, one armed with a skateboard and the other with a handgun. In their attempt to harm him, they also were shot. After the prosecutor presented in full this exact sequence of expert defensive gun tactics, they sat down and checked Twitter to weigh their options for their best legal strategy.

After hearing eyewitness testimony that Rittenhouse was threatened and then physically attacked by several men, and watching the video footage showing him deftly defending himself, jurors could be heard murmuring amongst themselves, “Wow, based,” “What a unit,” and “I want to buy that kid a beer when we’re done here.”

At publishing time, the judge had handed down a sentence of a pack of Whiteclaws and a $100 gift card to Bass Pro Shops for “this absolute legend”.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

To Save The Earth, Next Climate Conference To Be Held On Starship That Is Then Launched Into The Sun

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WORLD—In order to save the earth, the next climate change conference between world leaders will be held on a rocket ship. This rocket ship will then be launched into the sun, and, according to sources, there will be much rejoicing.

“This is a genius plan to save the Earth,” said one conference organizer. “Yes, we’re going to burn a lot of fossil fuels to get into orbit. That’s a minus. But then, once the leaders of governments who burn way more fossil fuels than any regular citizen have slammed into the surface of the sun, which is 10 million degrees in regular temperature, and something else in that weird Celsius thing dumb people use, most of our problems will be solved.”

Studies say that the measure is expected to prevent politicians from driving massive motorcades through cities and flying dozens of private jets to meeting locations year after year, and the carbon savings will be significant. Unfortunately, climate change will still be a problem, as President Xi of China doesn’t attend these things anyway.

Liberal Parent Trying To Figure Out How To Cheer For His Son Brandon

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

The Babylon Bee Presents: The 10 Commandments Of Wokeness

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Brought to you by: The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness

Thousands of years ago, God gave mankind his 10 Commandments which became the basis for law and Western Civilization. Unfortunately, it’s been a long time since they were updated to be more suitable for modern audiences! NOT OK!

Thankfully, woke scholars have done just that! Here are the newly updated “woke” 10 Commandments.

1) Thou shalt have no other Gods before the all-powerful State (duh!)

2) Thou shalt not make for yourself any graven image (unless it’s a giant bronze BLM raised fist you bow down to every morning)

3) Thou shalt not take the name of your Lord God in vain (unless you’re reminding everyone that Jesus was actually a Socialist revolutionary)

4) Remember Pride Month, and keep it holy

5) Honor your father and your mother (unless they are evil MAGA racists. In that case, you should cancel them.)

6) Thou shalt not kill (Unless you’re killing a fascist by beating them over the head with a “tolerance” sign)

7) Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless it’s consensual)

8) Thou shalt not steal (unless you’re looting a Nike shoe store for justice)

9) Thou shalt not bear false witness (unless you’re living your truth!)

10) Thou shalt not covet (unless you are coveting the possessions of a rich white oppressor. Then, it’s totally ok)

NOT SATIRE: Want to get your Christmas shopping done early? Pick up a copy of The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness today before they run out! 

To show the world you’re a good person—and also to avoid getting canceled and having your life ruined by a Twitter mob—you need to get WOKE. In The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness, the writers of satirical sensation The Babylon Bee tell you how to choose your pronouns, blame everyone else for your problems, and show the world how virtuous you are with virtue-signaling profile pictures and stunning and brave hashtags. A tongue-in-cheek guide to the far Left’s obsession with intersectional insanity, The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness will help you laugh at the state of our culture so you don’t cry.

Get your copy now.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Offers To Have Hunter Repaint Sistine Chapel

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VATICAN CITY—President Biden emerged from his meeting with Pope Francis greatly relieved and brimming with joy, claiming that the Holy Father had requested Biden’s son, the great artist Hunter, repaint the dated Sistine Chapel ceiling.

“We’ve been planning a remodel for about 1,000 years,” the Pope reportedly told President Biden, “but we just never felt we had the right artist. It would be an honor to have such a devout Catholic and brilliant child prodigy complete the epic task.”

The Papal Committee for Making the Church More Culturally Relevant (PCFMTCMCR) has been seeking ways to make the church more acceptable to pro-choice communist environmentalists. A more difficult task, however, has been the modernization of Vatican City to make it more up-to-date and seeker-sensitive to people who have the archaic notion that the Catholic Church teaches the Bible and is not in favor of sins like abortion.

“I Googled ‘Sistine Chapel’ and Wiki says it was painted in like the 1500s and its time to update it,” said renowned artist Hunter Biden to reporters. “I promise to pour all my incredible talents into this project and will only ask for a modest fee of $30 million.”

Sources say work on the new ceiling will commence as soon as the Vatican has finished cleaning up Biden’s poop.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘I Just Think This Let’s Go Brandon Thing Is Really Disrespectful,’ Says Man Wearing F— TRUMP T-Shirt

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ALBANY, NY—As chants of “Let’s Go Brandon” spread around the country, many Democrats have expressed concern over treating the office of President with such disrespect.

“I dunno… I just don’t think we should be disrespecting the President of the United States like that,” said local Democrat Camden Spudfuffle, who at the time was wearing a “F— Trump” t-shirt. “We should always respect our leaders, even if we don’t always agree with them. I think it’s always important to remain dignified in our speech and treatment of public servants. I have never disrespected anyone!”

Spudfuffle then caught a glimpse of Trump on a nearby TV screen and shrieked at the sky before attacking the TV with a baseball bat while screaming obscenities.

Experts have found a strange correlation between people who find “Let’s Go Brandon” disrespectful and those who screamed “F— Trump” over the last four years and who want Donald Trump to die a horrible fiery death.

“It’s important that we remain civil,” said Spudfuffle as he stood above the smoking wreckage of the TV. He then saw a man walk by in a MAGA hat and pepper-sprayed him in the face.

Liberal Parent Trying To Figure Out How To Cheer For His Son Brandon

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

KKK Member Posing By Glenn Youngkin’s Bus Turns Out To Be Ralph Northam

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CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A KKK member posing outside Glenn Youngkin’s bus, ostensibly to support the gubernatorial candidate, has turned out to actually just be Governor Ralph Northam in his trusty Klan hood.

“We’re all in for Glenn! We’re all in for Glenn!” the man in the white hood chanted as Youngkin’s bus pulled into a campaign stop in Charlottesville. “We racists love Glenn. Vote for Glenn! We are not associated with the Democratic Party whatsoever, despite the white robe and hood! Go, Republicans!”

One group of curious youths, who had arrived there in a van, was determined to get to the bottom of who exactly this KKK member was. “Something seems a little sus here,” the group’s leader said while hiding behind the bus. He leaped out and pulled the hood off the KKK member. “Why, it’s Ralph Northam! Zoinks!”

“Well, this is awkward, heh,” Northam said. He tried to use his pocket sand to escape, but got tripped up on his robes. “You didn’t see anything here!” he shouted as he stumbled away. “I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

“Looks like Ralph Northam’s blasting off agaaaaaaaaain!!!” (His aides then informed him this was the wrong franchise).

At publishing time, Northam had been spotted posing at another Youngkin event in blackface.

The Babylon Bee Guide To Wokeness will turn you from a MAGA into an SJW!

Preorder The Babylon Bee Guide To Wokeness today!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

7 Reasons Parents Should Have No Say Whatsoever In Their Child’s Education

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Do you think parents should have a say in their kids’ education? You’re wrong! Here are 7 reasons parents need to just stay away and let the professionals raise their kids.

1) Parents don’t know anything about kids: It’s true. Most of them don’t have master’s degrees in kid-raising or education. Sad!

2) Most parents don’t raise their kids to be unquestioning drones of the dystopian state: Very selfish of them.

3) Uneducated parents might only know about two of the genders: What a bunch of dopes! Do you want your kid to be underprepared for her gender studies degree?

4) Parents’ judgment can’t be trusted since they chose to have kids instead of getting an abortion: Having kids is like, the WORST thing you can do for the planet. Gross.

5) Parents may read books like Cat in the Hat or Tuttle Twins instead of My Two Dads: Just like the Nazis did.

6) They might not want their 5-year-old to transition just yet: Not giving your kid surgery and hormone blockers the second they wear something pink is literally child abuse.

7) Reinforces the outdated stereotype that the nuclear family is the core of society: The nuclear family is a despicable invention of white people and anyone who participates in it is guilty of white supremacy. The State is your family now! Repeat after us! The State is my family…

By now we’re sure you’re convinced that parents should stay far, far away from their kids’ education. Just let the smart people take it from here. You’re welcome!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission.  ©All rights reserved.

Exposed: Here Are 10 More Hideous Mad Science Experiments Fauci Funded

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The Babylon Bee’s crack team of very brilliant and handsome investigators has uncovered several more horrifying experiments funded by none other than notorious beagle butcher Anthony Fauci. As the old saying goes, where there’s smoke, there’s fire—and when there’s government-funded puppy torture, there’s probably some other bad stuff going on too.

Here are the experiments we uncovered that were funded by Dr. Fauci:

1) How many whacks with a hammer does it take to kill a panda? Sources say Fauci did request they use a rubber mallet for the baby pandas, so maybe he’s not all bad. And the answer is 12.

2) How many babies can you strap onto a rocketship and still reach orbit? Apparently, there were leftovers from Fauci sewing fetuses onto mice, and it seemed like a fun idea.

3) Which race burns alive the fastest? Yikes. We retract our previous statement about him maybe not being all bad.

4) Do orphans have an adverse reaction to being made fun of for being orphans while simultaneously being punched? This one got $20 million from Fauci, as apparently, orphans are expensive.

5) What effect will it have to poison Flint’s water supply with lead? Ohhhh… so that’s how that happened!

6) What kind of kitten can you blend in a blender? Fauci insisted it was for the “greater good.”

7) How far can you launch a baby giraffe in a catapult? Sources say that baby giraffes do not, in fact, land on their feet.

8) What happens to small children subjected to Kamala Harris laughing? Now, this is just too much.

9) What happens to brownies if you put walnuts in them? What kind of unholy chimera have you unleashed upon this world, you sicko!

10) How long can you keep a dementia patient alive as President? The jury’s still out on that one.

Keep your eyes peeled for other Fauci-funded atrocities, and let us know what you find, gumshoe!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

9 Ways To Survive Getting Canceled

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So, you’ve been canceled. Sad! Seriously though—it serves you right for saying “Ew, that song is gay” on AOL Instant Messenger when you were in high school. Shame on you! Now, the mob is out to destroy your life with devastating amounts of accountability!

Never fear—we at the Babylon Bee are experts in getting canceled and can help you out. Here are a few pointers:

1) Offer a tearful and heartfelt apology, which always makes cancel mobs go away: Apologies NEVER make things worse. Cancel mobs are extremely forgiving, and will always offer forgiveness if you apologize!

 2) Lie down on your back with your arms and legs sticking up in the air as a sign of submission: This is even more effective if you also wet yourself.

3) Change your name, get plastic surgery so no one recognizes you, and move to Cambodia: This is the only country still accepting canceled people.

4) Distract the mob by yelling: “Look over there! It’s Tucker Carlson!”: Tucker is like a flashy fishing lure to these people. Works every time.

5) Be the world’s most famous author or the world’s most famous comedian: If your name is J.K. Rowling or Dave Chappelle, you might be ok. If not, tough luck!

6) Wait an hour for the news cycle to change: Don’t worry, they’ll be off canceling someone else in no time.

7) Declare yourself a Democrat presidential candidate: Virtually cancel-proof.

8) Invent a new gender for yourself; claim discrimination: “I am a proud racist-sexual! How DARE you!”

9) Get a job at The Daily Wire: Practice your Policygenius™ ad-reads and call up the god-king himself!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Fauci Says Attacking Puppy Torture Is An Attack On Science

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BETHESDA, MD—Concerned citizens are raising questions about some experiments conducted by Dr. Fauci’s NIH, including one where puppies were tortured to death, their vocal cords severed to mute their screams. In an interview, Fauci said that anyone who attacks puppy torture is attacking science itself.

“Puppy torture is science,” said Fauci angrily. “So is grafting baby scalps onto lab mice and engineering viruses that kill millions! I AM SCIENCE! I AM GOD!!!” Fauci then threw back his head and laughed maniacally at the sky.

Fauci insisted that his experiments are “super important”, and “real science.” He also defended some of his other experiments, such as the “Kitten Drowning Experiment”, the “Orphan Punching Experiment”, and the “Piranha Kiddie Pool Experiment.”

According to several sources, millions of progressives have quietly thrown away their Fauci pillows, candles, and plush dolls.

Authorities say Fauci is still at large, being pursued by James Bond.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.