Political Satire Archives - Page 13 of 13

Experts Warn That If Children Between The Ages Of 5-11 Aren’t Vaccinated Then Pfizer Executives Won’t Get Their Sales Bonuses

October 22, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

NEW YORK, NY—Experts are encouraging everyone to get their kids vaccinated, and are predicting dire consequences if this is not done. According to several top scientists, Pfizer executives won’t meet their sales goals if you don’t vaccinate your 5 to 11-year-old.

“This would be absolutely catastrophic for struggling Pfizer execs,” said Dr. Wexner, an expert. “Not vaccinating your kindergartener could jeopardize their ability to make their Porsche payments, pay off their mistresses, or remain platinum members at their golf clubs. We just can’t let that happen.”

Experts say that while COVID poses almost zero risk to children, and the vaccine poses a small chance of making children die, the consequences of not vaccinating kids would be far worse, as drug company execs may have to dip into savings to buy a hooker. Even worse, economists warn that not vaccinating kids could cause drug company stock to dip one or two points, affecting millions of portfolios slightly.

“The science has spoken,” said Wexner. “We can’t afford for you to not do this. Please, do it for our Q4 sales numbers, er… I mean, do it for the kids.”

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‘There Is No Need To Worry About China’s Space Nukes,’ Says Jen Psaki From Irradiated, Super Mutant-Covered Wasteland

October 20, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Journalists love Jen Psaki’s laid-back, smiling, down-to-earth demeanor, as it keeps us all calm in a time with many tough challenges. So reporters were relieved when Psaki informed them that we do not need to worry about China’s space nukes during a press conference held in an irradiated wasteland crawling with super mutants, deathclaws, and giant bloodbugs.

“There is currently no need to worry about China’s nukes—we welcome the competition,” Psaki said, smiling, as she swatted a giant mutant bug flying near her head. “Right-wing fearmongers want you to think this is a big deal, but it’s not. China getting ready to invade Taiwan and developing technology that can nuke the whole world is nothing to be concerned about at this time.”

Secret Service agents then had to dive in the way to stop her from getting shot by a group of marauding raiders.

“There is no war in Ba Sing—I mean, in Washington, D.C. Everything is fine.”

The press conference was briefly interrupted when some warring vault clans passed through, firing at each other with laser guns, mini-nukes, and pipe guns. But as they trudged off over the horizon in their power armor, Psaki resumed the press conference, circling back to everything she said she’d circle back to.

“Now, does anyone want a cookie? It gives you 15 HP and only 3 rads.”

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16 Common Phrases In The News And What They Actually Mean

October 20, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

As everyone knows, the news media knows what’s best for us and they always tell the truth. The only problem is that they use really big and complicated words that we simple folk just don’t understand. How will you ever keep up? Well, don’t worry! We prepared this special translation guide just for you, so the next time you’re watching the news you’ll be able to follow along!

1) “Debunked conspiracy theory” = a completely factual event that is 100% true and we don’t like it

2) “This is dangerous misinformation” = we don’t really agree with it but people are still sharing it

3) “Farm animal bacterial infection treatment” = penicillin

4) “Conservative panelist” = guy who once voted for Ronald Reagan, possibly by mistake

5) “Super-spreader event” = gatherings of people we don’t like

6) “This is the end of democracy” = Trump said a thing

7) “Settled science” = a non-reviewed study by a possibly fictitious organization that just came out this morning

8) “Widespread outrage” = 3 people on Twitter got mad

9) “Racist statements” = literally means nothing

10) “Informal gathering of like-minded people that fosters a sense of camaraderie and community among friends and neighbors” = bread lines

11) “Zero” = anywhere from zero to several trillion

12) “Republicans pounce” = uh oh… a Democrat raped someone

13) “Mostly peaceful” = it was hyper-violent but we agree with it

14) “Racist dog whistle” = a super-secret whistle that only racists can hear and only we heard it

15) “Anonymous sources” = we totally made this up

16) “This is an apple” = this is a banana

Support For Climate Change Skyrockets After Computer Models Show It Will Flood California

October 20, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—A new climate model shows that much of southern California will be underwater in the future as a result of uninhibited climate change. These stark images have had a profound effect on public opinion, causing a huge spike in support for climate change.

“You mean, just by driving around in my gas guzzler, I could flood all the homes of those coastal elites?” asked Greg Butler, who lives in rural Kansas. “Cool! Why am I still talking to you? I should be driving!”

“I don’t even believe in climate change,” said Evelyn Klein of Boise, Idaho, “but now I hope it’s real. So what do I do to help it along? Eat more meat? I can do that!”

This pro-climate-change attitude has alarmed many rich, left-wing Californians. “You stupid redneck hicks,” said Hollywood producer Alan Stevenson. “Don’t you understand? You all need to make huge, personal sacrifices or my beachfront property is ruined!”

Still, in middle America, there is a newfound vigor for helping climate change, with everyone trying to do their part. And if someone doesn’t have the time or ability to add to climate change, they can now buy carbon credits — money that goes toward people cutting down trees to help add more carbon to the air.

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Instead Of Kryptonite, New LGBTQ+ Superman Will Be Crippled By Anyone Using Wrong Pronouns

October 19, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

BURBANK, CA—The brilliant and courageous writers at DC Comics have announced that Superman is now gay, and his pronouns are they/them as he is also non-binary. Now, instead of Kryptonite, he will be rendered completely powerless by anyone who addresses him using the wrong pronouns.

“I’ll finally defeat Superman! He’s such a liberal snowflake!” says right-wing transphobe Lex Luthor to reporters in the latest issue.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cries gay Superman in response as he withers to the ground in shrieks of agony. “I’m non-binary! It should be ‘THEY is such a snowflake!’ EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Writers confirmed that gay Superman will gay-save the world and gay-stop hate crimes with his gay superpowers. He will be completely impervious to Kryptonite but will be powerless against right-wing talk show hosts and trans-exclusionary radical feminist authors. First and foremost, he will be very, very gay.

“We are so proud to break new ground with this stunning, brave, totally expected, and culturally fashionable change to the Superman character,” said writer Tom Taylor. “We look forward to selling dozens and dozens of copies.”

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NFL Removes All Coaches, Players, Fans Who Have Ever Said A Bad Word, Only Tim Tebow Remains

October 17, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Remember super-Christian and football/baseball player Tim Tebow? The guy who took a knee before it was cool? Well, Tebow is now officially the only member of the NFL. The bold change for the league occurred after officials decided that everyone who had ever said a bad word would be removed from the league.

The entire NFL will just be an empty field with Tebow tossing a ball to himself with no spectators, coaches, teammates, opponents, or commentators, sources at the league confirmed today.

“Welp, I guess it’s just Tim out there now,” said Roger Goodell in his resignation speech. “I hope everyone enjoys watching him play. Well, I mean, you can’t actually watch him because we’ve fired you as a fan for saying something off-color once. But Tim is a good kid. He’ll have fun out there.”

Tebow took to the field for his first NFL game as the only member of the league Thursday evening, quietly took a knee and said a prayer, and then just went out there and tossed the ball around to himself. “I just want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for blessing me with this opportunity,” Tebow said. “And I want to thank the rest of the league for being heathens who said bad words in the past. I owe it all to you guys.”

Tebow still didn’t score any touchdowns.

In our latest video, watch as two kids try to choose a Halloween costume that doesn’t offend anyone:

For more videos, subscribe to our Youtube channel today!

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California Orders Police To Arrest Children Who Pick Out Toys Traditionally Associated With Their Biological Gender

October 14, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

SACRAMENTO, CA—California has ordered the immediate arrest of any children who pick out toys traditionally associated with their gender.

Local police have been ordered by Sacramento to patrol toy stores and big box stores in order to find kids violating the new law stating that children must play with toys they do not like.

“Whether we’re talking about a boy who picks out a Tonka truck or a girl who chooses a Barbie, we’ve ordered them to be arrested and taken into custody on sight,” said Governor Gavin Newsom. “We don’t want to shoot them, but we will if they resist by insisting on playing with their gendered toys.”

“All kids should enjoy just being genderless blobs with no preferences here in the progressive state of California.”

“DROP THE TONKA TRUCK AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!” shouted one officer as he saw a boy pick up a yellow dump truck from a Target store shelf in Sacramento. “DON’T MOVE PUNK!” The boy was taken into custody and sent to a gender reeducation camp to learn to do better, pick his new pronouns, and make license plates for Kamala Harris.

Luckily for wayward kids, the law probably won’t be in effect for very long, as every store in California is expected to move to Texas by the end of the year.

In our latest video, watch as two kids try to choose a Halloween costume that doesn’t offend anyone:

For more videos, subscribe to our Youtube channel today!

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Kids, Here Are 10 Signs Your Parents Might Be Domestic Terrorists

October 13, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Hey! Are you a kid? Are you being raised by normal middle-class parents who love you and care for you? Uh-Oh, watch out! They may be dangerous domestic terrorists! It’s important to keep a close eye on your parents for suspicious activity so you can report them to the FBI if necessary. Here are 10 troubling signs your parents may in fact be terrorists:

1) They make you pray to Jesus instead of Dr. Fauci: This is a clear indication they are anti-science, since Fauci IS science, blessings be upon his name.

2) They ask what you learned in school today: Asking this question shows that your parents don’t trust the education experts who are forming your entire worldview. Just answer “nothing” and then call the authorities immediately!

3) They say things like: “Let’s threaten people and do violent domestic terrorism to them!”: If they say this and they’re not wearing a BLM t-shirt, it’s a bad sign.

4) They require sunscreen when they go to the beach: This is clear evidence that your parents may be white. If they’re white, they’re automatically dangerous.

5) They take away the pornographic queer theory book you borrowed in the school library: If they give you a wholesome Tuttle Twins book instead, it’s bad news.

6) They say racist dog whistles like “this school CRT curriculum seems pretty racist.”: Absolutely disgusting.

7) You have never seen them dress in drag at a local library: And if they’ve never encouraged you or any of your siblings to change genders, chances are they are dangerous transphobes.

8) They don’t have a verified blue check on Twitter: Gross. It probably means they work in unsophisticated jobs like plumbing or nursing which are hotbeds of violent domestic terror.

9) You can see their entire face when they talk: This means they aren’t wearing a mask. They’re basically murderers.

10) They voted for Trump: The FBI is watching you from outside your door right now. If your parents voted for Trump, blink twice. They’ll take it from there.

Know the signs! And if you see something, say something!

Dr. Fauci Says Unvaccinated Kids Can Trick Or Treat But They Only Get Candy Corn

October 12, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—America collectively breathed a sigh of relief today as Dr. Fauci announced he was giving everyone permission to go trick or treating this year.

“I must clarify one thing, though—and let me be perfectly clear while I clarify one small point in order to make it clear for everyone, as clearly as I possibly can,” said Fauci. “If your child is unvaccinated, he should NOT be given any of the good candy. No Reese’s or Snickers or any of that. Candy Corn only. That’s it.”

Beloved NBC anchor Chuck Todd responded to Fauci’s recommendation and asked for clarification. “So you mean to say they can ONLY get candy corn? Nothing else?”

“Well, maybe they can have an apple or a carrot or a toothbrush,” Fauci replied. “If an unvaccinated kid is given the good candy, they may forget their proper station as unvaxxed second-class citizens. And watch out for… THE DROPLETS!” Fauci then shrieked and jumped out a nearby window, as it had been a stressful day.

The CDC confirmed Dr. Fauci’s recommendations, before later reversing them due to public outcry, and also due to Fauci changing his mind again.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Terrifying New Halloween Mask Depicts A Human Face Not Wearing A Mask

Weird: Many Southwest Planes Flying Banners Reading ‘Let’s Go Brandon’

October 12, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

File this one away in the “weird but true” folder: many Southwest Airlines pilots are flying banners behind their jets with a cryptic message: “Let’s go, Brandon!”

Strange!

Many are speculating about what this could mean. Some think it’s just an encouraging message for any Southwest passengers named Brandon, while others believe Southwest is just making a little extra money by advertising with banners behind their planes, and perhaps Brandon’s mom bought out the first bit of ad space.

Whatever the case, we can be assured that nothing is going on with Southwest’s pilots, air traffic controllers, or any other members of their labor force. They’re not on strike against any mandates or anything like that. That can’t possibly be true because we haven’t seen it on CNN yet.

Anyway, good for Southwest, and good for Brandon! Go, Brandon!

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White House Whistleblower Claims Strangers Drag Him From Place To Place And Make Him Sign Papers And Read Words On Monitors And He Hardly Gets Any Ice Cream

October 12, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—CNN has just released a bombshell interview with an anonymous White House whistleblower, who gave a harrowing account that could spell trouble for the Biden administration.

Speaking with Jake Tapper, the whistleblower—who identifies as a “White House aide who is young, with no hair plugs or dentures and definitely not Joe Biden”—gave an account of brutal working conditions in the White House.

“Listen, folks, here’s the deal,” said the unidentified whistleblower through a distortion filter to protect his identity. “It stinks here, Jack! Strangers drag me from place to place and make me sign papers and read words on monitors and I hardly get any ice cream!”

“With so much to lose, why are you coming forward now?” asked Jake Tapper solemnly.

“Because it’s the right thing to do, you lying dog-faced pony soldier!” said the mystery man whose face was shrouded in darkness. “No ice cream? Are you kidding me? It’s inhumane! And I haven’t sniffed hair in a week!”

We reached out to President Biden for a response but were unsuccessful.

You are now entering a dimension of riots, militant political correctness, and creepy CRT dolls. Watch all three episodes of the Woke Zone trilogy here!

For more videos, subscribe to our Youtube channel.

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17 Things With A Higher Approval Rating Than Joe Biden

October 9, 2021/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Joe Biden’s approval rating is not good. Sad! Not good!

Here are seventeen things with higher approval ratings than Joe Biden:

1. Candy corn – Even these tasteless cones of wax fare better in the polls than Sleepy Joe.

2. Prostate exams – Uncomfortable but at least they don’t last four years.

3. The restrooms at Walmart – Unsanitary but they’ve never tried to sniff our hair.

4. The decision to cancel Firefly – Next time Joe Biden wants to stab us in the back, he should have the guts to do it to our face.

5. DMV employees – Hey, at least they know where they are.

6. Pearl Harbor, the Ben Affleck movie – We don’t know how this one beat Joe but it did.

7. The actual attack on Pearl Harbor – At least it eventually led to the fall of Hitler.

8. Andrew Cuomo’s steamy new romance novel – Yeesh. Biden’s numbers must be awful.

9. The guy in your neighborhood who hands out toothbrushes on Halloween – Everyone has that guy. But hey, he’s not trying to ruin your life.

10. Long John Silver’s – Something’s fishy about this place but at least you can just avoid it.

11. Todd – Good one, Todd!

12. Gas station sushi – Will only make you sick one time and you’ll have a great story to tell.

13. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina candle – We don’t know why she sells these but some people like them, we guess.

14. Alex Rodriguez’s vagina candle – We don’t know why he sells these but some people like them, we guess.

15. Installing a car seat – On a 120-degree day in Phoenix.

16. Wuhan’s world-famous bat soup – The taste isn’t so bad, it’s the consistency.

17. The one true President Donald Trump – USA! USA! USA!

What do you like better than Joe Biden? Let us know in the comment section, which will likely be the longest comment section ever.

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