How Jill Biden Describes Each Ethnicity

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Jill Biden recently referred to Latino people as “Breakfast Tacos,” eschewing the more politically correct term, “Brxxkfst Txcxs.” Despite her faux pas, this isn’t the first time she’s used colorful language to describe some ethnicities. Here are most of the other times:

“Italians are a basket of free breadsticks at Olive Garden.”

“The Irish are a variety pack of 12 different beers.”

“White people are a rainbow of different mayonnaises.”

“The Chinese are like a delightful assortment of fortune cookies.”

“Pakistanis are like a bountiful selection of different Slurpees at 7-Eleven.”

“Black people are clean and articulate.”

“Scottish people are a boiled sheep’s stomach filled with heart, liver, and lungs. Yum!”

“The English are a cheeky bunch of fish heads sticking out of a diverse pie.”

“The Greeks are beautiful, spinning cones of gyro meat, twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.”

“The French are a wonderfully woven tapestry of various baguettes.”

“Canadians are a diverse group of very polite maple syrups.”

“Indians are a large menu of different curry that smells weird but tastes really good and a little too spicy and then you regret eating the next day.”

“Japanese people are like one big melting pot of fried rice. Or is that the Chinese? I get my yellows mixed up sometimes.”

“Saudi Arabians are like one giant kabob with different diverse kinds of meat wedged on there.”

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

12 Most Shocking Revelations From Hunter Biden’s Laptop

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The entire contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, iphone, and ipad have been leaked to the public. How embarrassing! The Babylon Bee team spent all night scrolling through 4chan threads last night and we checked into therapy this morning.

Here are the 12 most shocking and humiliating revelations from Hunter’s laptop:

  1. His desktop was covered with over 200 icons: And his recycling bin had never been emptied. Gross!
  2. His default search engine was set to Bing: The smartest man Joe Biden knows? It would appear not!
  3. The email app had over 1,038,202 unread emails: The mark of a psychopath.
  4. He’s watched Netflix’s Cuties over 1,200 times: Perfectly normal behavior. Nothing to see here.
  5. The hard drive contained multiple copies of Shrek the 3rd: This just gets worse and worse.
  6. He never finished installing Covenant Eyes internet filter: He could have avoided all this trouble.
  7. He had 5,276 browser tabs still open: They were all porn.
  8. The Candy Crush app only shows him at level 6: But he’s completed Barbie’s Magic Hairstyler several times and unlocked all the achievements.
  9. He paid for over 19 years of Norton, and never turned it on: Thankfully, that bill was paid by a Chinese firm who also ensured it was never turned on.
  10. He always “replied all” on emails: And always remembered to cc the “Big Guy.”
  11. GPS data shows he spends several dozen hours at Chuck E Cheese per week: Nothing suspicious about that!
  12. The FBI is probably at his door right now to arrest him for drug dealing and underage sex trafficking: Oh — they aren’t? Huh. Maybe they’re just really busy today.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Biden: ‘I Apologize For My Latest Teleprompter Gaffe, End Apology’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Leader of the free world and President of the United States Joe Biden issued an apology to the American people for an embarrassing blunder that had occurred earlier, stating the following:

“As President, the buck stops with me, pause for dramatic effect. Earlier, I read the wrong words in the teleprompter, don’t say telecommuter or helicopter. I apologize for my latest teleprompter gaffe, end apology.”

Following the public statement, members of the press were quickly ushered out of the fake press room and off the premises where the duct tape was removed from their mouths. The journalists then began reporting on the relief of having a gracious, humble president who was not Trump.

Biden aides quickly logged into Twitter to remind everyone that Biden did not actually say those things that the whole world watched him say.

At publishing time, Biden’s Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre had responded to questions about his capacity to serve as president with the poignant reminder she was a black, gay, immigrant woman.

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

First 12 Things Trump Will Do When He Inevitably Returns To Power

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The prophets have long whispered of the return of ULTRA-MAGA King Trump. In faith, we know that his return is inevitable and that he will soon reclaim the presidency and set right what has gone awry.

Here are the first 12 things Trump will do when he returns to power:

  1. Spray Febreze on the Oval Office curtains to get the old man smell out: Step one to draining the swamp is giving it a flowery scent.
  2. Make Pelosi wear a sweater on the beach: I mean, really.
  3. Welcome back Mike Pence, just to tell him he’s fired: It’ll be the highest ratings for a single episode of The Apprentice. Maybe ever.
  4. Invade Afghanistan so he can show how much better he would be at withdrawing from Afghanistan: He’s been dreaming about this one every night when he goes to sleep.
  5. Finish building that wall, but make Hunter Biden pay for it: Hunter will borrow from Joe, who will borrow from China. 4D chess!
  6. Make everything at the dollar store $1 again: And abolish the Fed.
  7. Sneak out of the Oval Office for a quick 9 holes: Trump needs to keep his golf skills sharp so he can challenge Putin to a match for the fate of Russia.
  8. Bring back the McRib: And make it permanent this time!
  9. Find Osama Bin Laden’s body and kill him again: USA! USA! USA!
  10. Declare total infinity immunity with no take-backs: Should put an end to congressional witch hunts.
  11. Put Dr. Fauci in the stocks in the National Mall so everyone can throw cabbage at him: Somewhere up there Samuel Adams is drunkenly smiling.
  12. Buy Greenland and make Mexico pay for it: And then drill for oil like there’s no tomorrow.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Democrats Proudly Introduce The ‘Raise Gas Prices Even Higher And Make More Kids Trans’ Bill

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — With midterm elections fast approaching, Democrats are rushing to pass key elements of their legislative agenda before they’re voted out of office in November. To serve that goal, Democrats proudly unveiled the “Raise Gas Prices Even Higher And Make More Kids Trans” bill on the steps of the Capitol this morning.

“We are very proud of this bill, as it shows the American people that their priorities match our priorities, which are to raise gas prices to at least $15 per gallon and make all the kids change their genders with puberty blockers and surgery,” said Senator Chuck Schumer. “This is what the American people want. These are the issues families sitting at the kitchen table every night are concerned about. This is why we were sent here. Let’s get it done!”

A few Democrats objected to the bill, insisting that $100 billion more for Ukraine, tax increases, and more booster shots also be added to the legislation.

“If we don’t pass this bill, democracy will be destroyed forever,” warned Schumer. “Also, please donate to my reelection campaign at my website.”

At publishing time, AOC proposed additional amendments to add 32 Supreme Court Justices and make Ted Cruz illegal.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Disaster After Impractical Jokers Get A Hold Of Biden’s Cheat Sheet

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The famed Impractical Jokers comedy quartet managed to get access to President Biden’s cheat sheet today, quickly plunging the nation into chaos.

The Jokers fell on the floor laughing as they made Biden do increasingly outlandish things.

“Okay, start with a card saying ‘YOU pick HER nose,” said James Murray, cackling as Biden took the card from Sal and dutifully jammed his finger in Elizabeth Warren’s nostril. “Alright, let’s step it up – how about ‘YOU trade Alaska to Putin for a calendar of HIM shirtless.”

Within minutes, Biden had traded Alaska, sold Michigan to Canada for a quart of maple syrup, and authorized a lazy river to be installed in the Reflecting Pool. “I can’t believe we got him to legally change his name to Sleepy Joe!” said Mr. Murray through tears as the crew watched replays. “Admittedly, we may have taken things too far telling him to declare war on Antarctica. We just never thought he would actually drone strike penguins.”

The ruse continued until the card “YOU play catch with YOUR nuclear football”, at which point Secret Service intervened and discovered the pranksters. “We thought the President was acting stranger than usual, but it’s so hard to tell with Biden,” said Agent Steve Watkins. “I suppose his having a lengthy conversation with a lamp should have tipped us off, but it seemed pretty normal at the time.”

At publishing time, the White House was working feverishly to undo Biden’s demand that all the presidential portraits have a MAGA hat painted on them.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Uh-Oh: World Economic Forum Banner Slips, Revealing HYDRA Logo

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GENEVA — The World Economic Forum experienced a major blunder during a recent symposium when the institution’s banner slipped, revealing the tentacled HYDRA logo. The blooper occurred during a symposium in which a small number of elite intellectuals discussed enslaving and depopulating the earth as a humane method for reducing climate change.

Attendees initially felt shock after seeing the six-tentacled HYDRA logo floating above the heads of Professor Klaus Schwab and his associates. But after seeing Schwab continue to drone on about the imperative to control world governments as a means to achieve the group’s agenda, the attendees realized the unnerving logo made perfect sense.

“I gotta say, that tentacled skull glaring down at me from the HYDRA logo really matches the words coming out of that Shwab fella’s mouth,” said one forum attendee, “Including the time he laughed maniacally about how many young people in the US think communism works.”

At publishing time, witnesses reported seeing Klaus Shwab’s human skin mask slip off to reveal a red skull.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

VIDEO: Frightening But 100% True Facts About Guns

Humanity was peaceful – until guns showed up. Learn how sinister and evil these weapons of mass destruction truly are.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

21 Greatest Benefits Of Becoming A Dad

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Fathers are the forgotten heroes of this world. Mothers get all the glory (and with good reason!) but there are still some great benefits to being a dad. For example, free hugs whenever you want!

Brought to you by: Dad Saves America.

Here are more great benefits for your consideration:

  • Each one has a small chance of becoming a rock star or incredible athlete and you’ll never have to work again.
  • You can wear cargo shorts and white New Balance sneakers just like you always wanted to.
  • Every year your children will pay you tribute with the finest artisan macaroni art and a fresh pack of socks.
  • You can finally own a puppy against your will.
  • Have you ever wanted to read the same short book 10,000 times? Now you can!
  • Does your wife hate your jokes? The kids won’t.
  • You have an excuse to play through all your old favorite video games.
  • You get to implement a dad tax on all Halloween candy.
  • You can have in-depth conversations about what the best dinosaur is.
  • You’ll feel like a warrior king as you defeat all of them simultaneously in a wrestling match.
  • You’re the smartest person alive for 11 years, then “a total drag” for 7, then the smartest person alive again.
  • Have you ever wanted to be a horsey? Boy, will you be in heaven!
  • You have your own personal chiropractor as your kids jump all over your back.
  • You can introduce them to your favorite childhood movies only for them to say, “This is boring.”
  • You can pawn off the chores your wife gave you onto the kids.
  • You get to buy a full arsenal of Nerf guns “for the kids.”
  • Have 3 kids to make a full squad in Call of Duty: Warzone, 5 kids to have your own D&D party, or 18 and you can play baseball in the backyard!
  • Several little creatures will think you are a god at Super Smash Bros.
  • You can stack three of them up in a trench coat to cause various mischiefs.
  • Watching your 3-year-old daughter run across the lawn in a dress carrying a doll will make you believe in the goodness of God.
  • They will turn your pathetic, self-centered little life into one full of beauty and meaning.

NOT SATIRE: Can Dad save America? Yes!

We’re on a mission to celebrate, empower, and entertain Dads, could-be Dads, and father-figures of all stripes.

We deliver powerful stories, exclusive interviews, mini-documentaries, and deep dives on a weekly basis to inform and inspire as we build a movement of dads who embrace their heroic calling. Dads need their own superhero league to take on the challenges of today.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel by clicking here to watch our announcement video!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Weird: Democrats Suddenly Saying ‘Woman’ Today As If Everyone Knows What It Means

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U.S. – Following the overturning of Roe v. Wade, Democrats nationwide have been accusing the Supreme Court of taking rights from “women.” Onlookers have confirmed this to be confusing, as it seems to suggest that Democrats do in fact know what a woman is.

“Women today have less freedom than their mothers!” Nancy Pelosi took the stand today to defend “women’s rights to make their own reproductive decisions.” Onlookers found themselves befuddled by the rhetoric about the “women’s right to choose,” since Pelosi should have no way of knowing what a woman is since she is not a biologist.

Trans activists have come out in opposition to this timely recollection of what a “woman” is, decrying Pelosi’s “exclusionary and transphobic language.” One activist, Jesse Wolfshine, explained that “inclusion of trans people starts with the erasure of women.”

Eyewitnesses confirm that Mx. Wolfshine backpedaled and looked flushed when she realized she had used the word “woman,” walking back her statement: “Only after women are gone can we progress – I mean, uterused people, since that’s a woman part! I mean, that’s a birthing person’s part!”

Eyewitnesses confirm that Mx. Wolfshine still looks flustered while trying to erase women without using transphobic language, but still accidentally says “woman” after every two or three elaborate euphemisms for “women.”

Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Dems Pause January 6 Hearings To Call For Insurrection

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democrats have temporarily pushed pause on the January 6th hearings in order to lead an insurrection against the federal government.

“On January 6th, a branch of our federal government was almost overthrown because politicians used dangerous rhetoric that caused – wait, hold on everyone, I just got the update. Roe‘s been overturned!” said Representative Adam Schiff. “Okay, well if all the Republicans could please sit tight, there will be a brief recess while our Democratic caucus takes to the streets demanding we overthrow a branch of the federal government.”

After closing down their presentation entitled “How Trump Undermined Institutional Authority”, Democrats raced to join the crowd surrounding the Supreme Court building. “Rigged! Rigged decision!” shouted Senator Elizabeth Warren. “Judges must no longer be allowed to hold power! We will never abide by an illegitimate decision by an illegitimate court. Fight, fight!” she screamed as beleaguered police arrived in riot gear.

Despite the fact liberal states will still have the most permissive abortion laws in the world outside North Korea, Democrats helpfully painted the Supreme Court’s decision as a matter of life and death. “They are literally going to enslave every woman in America and force them to have 17 babies,” said Representative Ilhan Omar to a group of mentally unstable lunatics. “Which is why the Supreme Court cannot stand! To the streets!” she shouted, then returned to the House for a speech on why Trump’s words were directly responsible for violence.

At publishing time, the January 6 committee had resumed its hearings to the stark sound of no one caring.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Seen Shouting At Gas Station Sign To Lower Its Prices

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, Biden was seen outside a gas station this afternoon yelling at the big price sign to lower its prices.

“Come on, man! I ain’t kidding around here! No joke! You gotta lower your prices! Do the right thing for God’s sake!” said Biden as he shook his fist at the giant sign. “You’re killing me here! This ain’t hard! Just be cheaper! Like, be two or maybe three bucks, max! This ain’t funny anymore!”

The President then lowered his voice to a creepy low whisper and said: “Here’s the rub, 7-Eleven. Drop your prices or I drop you, you get me?”

Witnesses say Biden became more enraged after the Mobil sign just stood there silently and indifferently and refused to respond.

Administration officials warn that gas prices will continue to rise as Biden has tried everything except allowing oil companies to get more oil—and this “shouting” strategy is one of the only remaining options for turning things around.

At publishing time, Biden abandoned the “shout at the signs” strategy in favor of shouting at the customers for paying such high prices.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

10 Times Socialism Actually Worked

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Bernie Sanders famously said that “real” socialism has never been tried. Frankly, we’re shocked he would ever suggest such a thing because there are numerous examples of real socialist utopias that we have to pull from.

Here are just a few:

1) Star Trek’s Federation of Planets: There’s no money, but people still work for some reason. Workers of the world, set your phasers to Social Contract!

2) The Borg Collective: Like a more efficient Federation that tears through freedom-loving planets and subjects them to the will of the collective.

3) In the wonderful dream AOC had last night: Elon Musk even made an appearance.

4) In John Lennon’s “Imagine”: Everything works perfectly when you imagine it! Even marriage to Yoko Ono.

5) Smurf Village: Cheerful workers in a heavily regulated population. Just like China.

6) In Bernie Sander’s serial fanfic: He’s been writing Social Thunder for three years now. It’s a big hit on his Substack.

7) A beaver dam: Everyone chips in or they all die.

8) The nuclear family: Too bad the nuclear family is RACIST.

9) An ant farm: It worked great until a kid came and shook it up.

10) Whatever South American country Che Guevara ruled: We’re sure socialism worked there, otherwise people wouldn’t still be wearing the shirt

You see! Socialism is alive and well today. You only have to open yourself up to the imaginary world behind you and seize the means of production for the proletariat!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

12 Red Flags That Will Prevent You From Buying A Firearm

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In light of recent shootings, Congress is considering red flag laws they’ve secretly been wanting to pass for decades. This means that even though you have a right to bear arms guaranteed by the US Constitution, they can make exceptions based on a list of criteria they come up with—namely, red flags.

Here are twelve red flags that will prevent you from buying a firearm if congress has its way:

1) You are applying to purchase a firearm: Ew! You want to buy a gun? MAJOR red flag there.

2) You once shared a Babylon Bee article on Facebook: You’re probably on the no-fly list already.

3) You don’t support the current thing in your Twitter bio: YOU BIGOT.

4) You’re Joe Biden’s bicycle: Attempts on the President’s life will not be tolerated.

5) You’re a Vietnam vet just passing through town until the local police push you too far: They drew first blood!

6) You once called in a chopper with your 7-kill streak on Call Of Duty: You monster.

7) You think RoboCop is the good guy: He shoots literally everyone.

8) You think Jan 6 was bad but not anywhere close to 9/11: Some real insurrectionist vibes here.

9) You still drive a vehicle that runs on gasoline: People who murder the planet always move on to murdering humans.

10) You didn’t kneel and worship the pride flag when the trumpets played: It’s the furnace for you, friend.

11) You know Pi to 11 places but you only know the first 4 letters of LGBTQIA2S…: You’re clearly not compassionate enough to follow proper gun safety protocols.

12) You oppose red flag laws: This one is pretty obvious. Always support controversial government policy without question.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Tampon Supply Shortage Solved By Emptying Out Tampons In The Men’s Bathrooms

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U.S.—Americans are facing yet another basic necessity shortage under the Biden Administration. This time a tampon shortage has struck the nation and caused many women to wonder what they will do when they run out of their essential feminine product.

“Hey, I have an idea to address the shortage,” said one state official. “Why don’t we just empty all those tampons from the men’s room that no one’s using?”

The idea helped alleviate the crisis, but the state official was soon fired for discrimination against trans people.

In their desperation to find tampons, some women have resorted to entering the men’s restroom and taking tampons designated for trans men.

“As a lady, I would normally never enter a dirty, disgusting men’s restroom for any reason,” explained Ann Elizabeth, “but I’m completely out of tampons while the men’s restrooms are stocked with an abundance of tampons that haven’t even been touched!”

According to sources, this simple trick of women getting their tampons from the dispensers in the men’s room has swept the nation and completely brought the tampon shortage to an end.

At publishing time, the nation’s shortage of air freshener was solved by men entering the women’s restroom.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Scholars Now Think ‘6.66’ In Revelation Refers To Price Of Gas In The End Times

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GENEVA—This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days.

“Deeper study has revealed that we were misreading this passage—it’s not 666 or 616, it’s $6.66 for your basic Unleaded Petroleum Gasoline!” French Bible scholar Pierre LeGault spoke for the panel of academics that had gathered at Geneva to redress and correct the historic interpretation of the mysterious number in Revelation 13. “Numerology is tough and we’ll be the first to admit we botched this one—but we’re here to make things right!”

The panel answered questions, fleshing out their new interpretation. “It’s felt apocalyptic for a few years now—once we figured out that we had already been enduring the final stages of divine judgment, it all clicked!” Other scholars on the panel concurred, proceeding to roll out a massive end-times prophecy chart culminating in a $6.66 gas ticker on the far right side.

At publishing time, the scholars were scrambling to explain why they shouldn’t be stoned as false prophets despite the gas ticker blasting through the $7 and $8 marks.

Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.