New, Deadlier AR-16 Introduced Which Is An AR-15 Wearing A MAGA Hat

U.S.—Horror has spread throughout the nation as the unthinkable has happened: A new, even deadlier successor to the AR-15 — the AR-16 — is now for sale. The gun is a lot like the destructive AR-15 but is even scarier, as it is wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat.

The AR-15 was the deadliest gun ever made, able to fire over 100 rounds a day. The “AR” in it stands for “AR-15 Rifle” and the 15 stands for “50% more than 10.” The new AR-16 is obviously even more destructive, though. “Guns are scary enough,” said being-scared-by-guns expert Noah Carlson, “but knowing a gun is a supporter of Donald Trump makes it even more terrifying. What’s it planning to do? Obviously nothing good.”

Carlson warned that the gun was probably racist and sexist and that he wouldn’t be surprised if it was also rude to women. There is now a campaign to have the gun banned, signed onto by all the major Democratic presidential candidates. Many gun rights supporters have called this hypocrisy, though, as recently the LGBTQ-15 also went on sale — an AR-15 with a rainbow scarf — and the left praised that gun and called it “appropriate for children.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

All-White Democratic Debate Mistaken For KKK Rally

DES MOINES, IA—Many were shocked to turn to CNN last night and see what appeared to be a Ku Klux Klan rally. Airing for two hours was an all-white assembly of people talking about their superior plans for the country. CNN received numerous complaints but explained it was not a Klan rally but in fact a Democratic presidential debate.

This confused many people, as there had been numerous minority candidates in the presidential primary, and this was what appeared to be a “whites only” debate. CNN explained that this was not true and that the debate had nothing to do with white supremacy; the DNC simply had excluded all minority candidates from the debate for being inferior to the white ones.

“And I have many black friends,” explained Joe Biden, an attendee of the not-Klan rally. “Like Barack Obama. And Corn Pop.”

Further confusing the issue was the fact that a cross was burned on stage during the “debate.” The Democrats explained, though, that this was not done in the racist sense that the KKK would do it but instead done simply to express a general disdain for religion.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire from The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Reminder: You No Longer Need A Color TV To Watch The Democratic Debates

DES MOINES, IA—The FCC announced today that the next Democratic debate will not require viewers to use a color television. The decision was made in part due to the fact that all the remaining candidates are white. The FCC cites several other reasons for the change, however.

The FCC reminded everyone in a statement that the only color you’ll need to make out the candidates’ skin color is white.

“Listen, we didn’t want to leave anybody out,” said FCC employee Steven Penta. “Over one percent of American’s live without color TV, and that makes those folks a minority. We didn’t want to leave them out because, well, because this is America!”

Democrats, however, were unhappy with the news, insisting their party deserved better, more diverse candidates. “These people are all rich, white, privileged scum,” said Bernie Sanders as he rubbed a balloon on his head to prep for the debate. “If my opponents cared at all about diversity, they would drop out and let me win.”

The FCC will soon ask viewers to upgrade to color television in advance of the presidential debates this fall, as the incumbent will require televisions that display a brilliant orange hue.

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Mitch McConnell Sends Pelosi Shirt Reading ‘I Impeached The President And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Mitch McConnell felt bad for Nancy Pelosi after watching her get forced to impeach the president by the radical wing of her party, then impeach him and sit on the articles of impeachment for weeks. So, he decided to cheer her up a bit.

McConnell had his staffers deliver Pelosi a shirt reading “I Impeached The President And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.” Pelosi did not seem to understand the nice gift, pointing her finger sternly and lecturing the McConnell staffer: “Don’t mess with me.” Though her dentures fell out before she could finish her rant, sadly.

“It’s the least I could do,” McConnell said, a grin slowly spreading across his face. “I feel bad for the poor girl — so much work on impeachment for nothing. Everyone needs a little consolation prize, a little affirmation. A participation trophy, you might say.”

As an offended Pelosi held a press conference condemning the shirt as a “slap in the face,” Mitch McConnell hurriedly confirmed hundreds more conservative judges,

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Tragic: Footage Of Epstein Suicide Found Hanging In Cell

NEW YORK—In a tragic occurrence, the footage of Epstein’s suicide attempt was found hanging in its cell Friday in an apparent suicide.

The footage reportedly strung itself up with a strip of cloth, hanged itself from the ceiling, and then shot itself three times in the back of the cassette. Shocked security guards found the footage strung up, saying they would have kept an eye on it but were distracted by large bags of cash handed to them by a mysterious cloaked man.

“You hate to see this kind of thing, but sometimes, footage just doesn’t have the will to live any longer,” said Metropolitan Correctional Center Chief of Security Paul Bugs, after pulling up in his new Bentley. “That’s the way life goes.”

Footage of the footage hanging itself has also been found dead, apparently running itself over with a steamroller and then burning itself alive.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

As Part Of Settlement With Nick Sandmann, CNN Hosts Must Wear MAGA Hats During All Broadcasts

ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast.

“Let the punishment fit the crime,” counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps.

Hosts were seen with downcast expressions as they commented on the day’s events, MAGA hats in place.

Sandmann says the hosts will be forced to wear the hats until they’ve learned their lesson, which could take a while. “Just be careful you don’t make an expression some could construe as ‘smug.’ Wouldn’t want you to get punched or your lives to get ruined, or anything like that.”

CNN hosts must also finish every broadcast by saying, “Good night, and I am a big, fat dummy, while Trump is the best president we’ve ever had.”

Brian Stelter requested an exemption and was allowed to wear a clown nose instead, as usual.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Trump’s Approval Rating Among Terrorists Hits All-Time Low

U.S.—President Trump’s approval rating among terrorists hit an all-time low today according to a CNN poll. This comes just days after he killed several of them.

Of those surveyed, only six percent of terrorists–mostly white nationalists–said they approve of Trump’s performance. Of the 94 percent who disapproved, just half said they would like to see the president dead. The others claimed they would be perfectly happy with a pallet full of cash.

Trump was briefed on the issue this morning, but it is unclear whether or not he was paying attention. He did, however, offer a thumbs up in between bites of chocolate ice cream, according to CNN.

“We need to understand the importance of these numbers,” said Rep. Ilhan Omar, who participated in the poll. “These numbers not only tell us how terrorists view our president, but they also represent widespread disapproval of the American idea in general. If we can murder terrorists, it’s only a matter of time before we order drone strikes on our own citizens.”

President Trump is scheduled to speak with the media in regard to the poll this afternoon and promises to answer any and all questions as long as Mike Pompeo answers them first.

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Democrats Grasping At Straws To Impeach Trump Now Regret Banning Straws

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats desperately grasping at straws to find grounds to impeach and convict Trump announced Tuesday they are now regretting banning plastic straws.

“We started grasping for straws but suddenly realized we had banned them a while back,” a downcast Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “We really should have seen this coming.”

Many congresspeople keep straws on hand for the express purpose of grasping at them. They get them out when they really don’t like a politician on the other side of the aisle and need to find something to condemn him or her for. Sadly, the Democrats banned their straws a while back for using harmful plastics and now have nothing to grasp for.

The Democratic leaders tried to reach for paper straws instead, but they instantly crumbled into a fine powder.


Babylon Bee subscriber John Sherman contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Iran Declines To Sign Colin Kaepernick After Reviewing Workout Video

TEHRAN—Colin Kaepernick sent his workout video to Iran after learning they may have recently opened up a position but has yet to receive a phone call.

Kaepernick condemned American attacks on Iranian terrorists last week, inciting rumors that he may have found a team interested in him in the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps. But Iranian officials have dispelled the rumors, stating clearly and unequivocally that “we have no interest in signing Kaepernick at this time, but we wish him well in his future endeavors.”

“It’s disappointing to see that Iran is as hateful as America,” a downcast Kaepernick said in a press conference. “I expected to be welcomed as a hero over there, but apparently, they too are biased against people with dark skin.” Kaepernick plans to protest Iran’s hate by continuing to kneel during the American national anthem.

Iran has clarified that they agree with Kaepernick ideologically, but they need someone who can throw.

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Thousands Of Panicked Terrorists Surrender As Trump Deploys Jack Wilson To Middle East

WORLD—Terrorists and other enemies of America, including China, North Korea, and California, all agreed to lay down their arms as Jack Wilson was deployed abroad.

After Wilson, the hero of the recent Texas church shooting, was named the leader of America’s military operations abroad, terrorists immediately surrendered, knowing they had very little chance. Wilson was airdropped in behind enemy lines but didn’t need to fire a single shot.

“We agree to an unconditional surrender, under whatever terms Mr. Wilson sees fit,” said one ISIS leader nervously after turning himself into a grizzled Wilson, brandishing his SIG P229-357 SIG. “Please do not hurt us.” Wilson then moved his hand, and hundreds of surrendering terrorists hit the deck, scrambling for cover. But he was just reaching for a breath mint, and they all breathed a sigh of relief.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un likewise gave up his nuclear program and immediately resigned, agreeing to turn the country into a true democratic republic right away and apologizing for decades of civil rights abuses. “No need to send Mr. Wilson over here,” he said, sweating. “We are complying with all of America’s demands.”

Wilson accepted their surrender, provided they repent, believe the gospel, and are baptized.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

13 Minutes: a Trump era remake of Benghazi’s ’13 Hours’

A Trump era remake of the Benghazi story ’13 Hours’ has just finished filming in Baghdad. Titled ’13 Minutes,’ it chronicles the short period from when the U.S. Marines landed at our Baghdad embassy to when the Iran-backed militias ran away losing their sandals.

Starring John Krasinski and Apache helicopters as supporting cast members, the remake is admittedly much more enjoyable than the Obama-era original, with a bigly satisfying ending. It was finished under budget and ahead of schedule, with an instant premiere in every US household on January 1, 2020.

No YouTube videos were blamed in the making of this movie.


Special thanks to General Secretary for tweeting this idea from our account earlier today. It quickly became viral.


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Red Square on  The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. © All rights reserved. Hotel USSR by Oleg Atbashian: get a signed copy!

MPAA Orders Trigger Warning To Be Displayed Before All Chris Pratt Films

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Motion Picture Association of America has called on all filmmakers to place a mandatory Chris Pratt warning in front of all films featuring the actor.

The warning will alert liberal viewers that they may be exposed to the acting performance of a man they might disagree with on at least a few issues, allowing them the opportunity to leave the theatre and go watch one of the hundreds of movies featuring only far-left actors.

“It’s important to preserve our liberal bubble,” said MPAA representative Zendo Majores. “Can you imagine if someone sat down to watch the sixth or seventh Jurassic Park reboot only to find xerself confronted with an actor whose views they might find disagreeable? It would wreck the moviegoing experience altogether.”

All films featuring Pratt will be rated “T” for triggering, regardless of their content. “This is the most restrictive rating we can give a film,” Majores stated. “It indicates to the viewer that the personal, political, or religious views of a performer are far more important than enjoying the art of people you don’t like.”

At publishing time, conservatives were still expected to pay billions of dollars to watch films starring actors who despise them.

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Elizabeth Warren Opens Casino To Help Finance Campaign

U.S.—With campaign contributions down 30% in the last quarter, you might think it’s time for Elizabeth Warren to throw in the tomahawk. But not this brave Native American warrior!

“After spending several minutes digging deep into my rich 1/1024th Cherokee heritage, and communing with my spirit animal –you know, like we genuine Indians do all the time,” Warren announced at a recent campaign rally, “I feel the spirits of my ancestors guiding me to open a brand new casino; complete with a buffet, generous slots, and the hottest shows in history!”

Warren hopes that the new casino’s revenue will compensate for the decrease in campaign contributions and says it will even have a theme. Much like Caesar’s Palace’s ancient roman theme or Circus Circus’ killer clown theme, the presidential hopeful says her casino will have a socialism theme that is sure to be fun for the whole family.

“When you enter the casino, we want you to feel like you’re entering a socialist utopia! Whether you’re waiting in the breadline at the buffet, losing all your hard-earned money to the ruling class, or cheering at the executions of political dissidents, this will be a truly immersive experience!” Warren said.

If that fails, Warren says she may be forced to perform a sacred ritual that will summon an ancient Indian curse upon her political foes.


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Media Disappointed To Learn Armed Citizen Stopped Mass Shooting

U.S.—The nation’s media outlets announced they were grieving today as an armed citizen stopped a mass shooting.

“We grieve that this tragedy we could have exploited for weeks on end was stopped by a good guy with a gun,” said one teary-eyed MSNBC reporter on the scene. “Our thoughts and prayers are with the shooter.”

“We are absolutely heartbroken and in shock over here,” said one New York Times journalist. “What could have given us weeks and weeks of frothing-at-the-mouth stories about gun control will now have to be suppressed since it does not align with our agenda.”

News outlets also reminded the nation that they reserve the right to immediately bury mass shooting stories that don’t help push their agenda.

Outlets like CNN, MSNBC, and ABC News confirmed that they carefully look over the facts of a given case to see if it lines up with the correct opinions before deciding to push it incessantly for weeks on end.

“While we usually would exploit a tragedy like this to push our gun control agenda, in this case, the facts don’t really help us,” said CNN reporter Bob Costanza, after a recent shooting was shut down by a citizen with a gun. “It’s tragic that it ended that way, because we really could have gotten a lot of mileage out of that bad boy.”

The media didn’t even try to find children who were present during the shooting to parade around talk shows and put on the covers of magazines for a full year this time around.

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San Francisco Dogs Begin Bagging People Poop

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The dogs of San Francisco have announced a citywide cleanup initiative, in which the canines will carry little plastic bags with them wherever they go in order to clean up the massive dumps humans keep leaving on the sidewalk.

The initiative is expected to freshen up the city significantly, ridding the sidewalk of millions of pounds of human waste.

“We need to start taking pride in our city,” said one labrador as he scooped up a giant turd his owner had just left on the sidewalk and placed it in a nearby human waste bin. “It’s incredibly rude what these humans do. They just see some rando’s lawn and decide, ‘Yeah, that’s a good place to drop a deuce.’ It’s like, we’re living in a society, here.”

The dogs have begun putting signs up around the city reading things like, “Please Pick Up After Your Owner” and “If Your Human Poops, You Scoop.”

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Babylon Bee subscriber Randall Labrentz contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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