Bravo New York Times!

What a fantastic headline today, at the Old Gray Lady. The Trump tax evasion scandal, way to grab on to what is the essential news going on in America right now. Pulitzer Prize worthy actually. I mean after all the millions spent on the investigation, to come up with the CFO, not claiming fringe benefits on his tax return is just brilliant. What an unbiased, objective piece. President Trump is a racist!

Of course, as usual the radical right is all over this. They are calling it just the latest witch hunt and the latest attempt to smear President Trump. Wasted Millions spent to go along with the wasted money on 2 ridiculous, merit less impeachment attempts.

It really seems like the left is a bit upset with all the positive response President Trump has been receiving. Pointing to the absolute horrible start to the Harris administration. Trying to keep the spotlight off the cognitively challenged President and his horribly incompetent sidekick and caretaker Kamala. I think they have been doing phenomenal, wouldn’t you agree Deano? I mean sans the border, inflation, constant rioting (I mean peaceful protests), assault on our great law enforcement, Antifa, becoming energy dependent, over 50 executive orders (after Joey preaching bipartisanship and unity), creating the greatest racial divide since Barack Hussein Obama, pushing ridiculous programs and money under the quise of infrastructure or covid relief. Well, all I can say to that is, President Trump is a racist!

I mean where does the AG Letitia James find the time for these investigations with the Andy Cuomo debacle front and center, the radical right asks? They say, with the cornucopia of charges against Ole Andy, how does she do it? She is obviously a human dynamo, what a workaholic.

Speaking of Andy, your non coverage of ALL these accusations has been magnificent. I mean to keep President Trump front and center, while ignoring the litany of charges against Andy is phenomenal, professional journalism. They will never be able to accuse you Deano, or The Times of yellow journalism. Bravo, Deano, just bravo.

Any word from me too or possibly Alyssa Milano, you know voicing their outrage at Andy Cuomo, for all the sexual harassment charges. I mean, the way they did against President Trump. It may be time to dust off those pink hats and march around the state Capitol up in Albany. If they remain quiet, it would just reek of selective outrage, aimed at certain individuals and political affiliations. We wouldn’t want that, would we Deano?
Maybe you could reach out to Joy Behar for comment, she seems to be very objective and reasonable. Just a lovely individual through and through. I still say Mr. Behar is the luckiest man in the world, as he gets to see that happy, joyful face everyday.

Well, that’s it for today Deano. I guess you will be heading out to your estate in Larchmont, California for the long weekend. I don’t want to mention the holiday for fear of being construed as a racist. Maybe you could head over to Malibu and stick your toes in the sand. Possibly hook up with Patrisse Cullors, former cofounder of BLM. She must have plenty of time since her resignation from BLM after her recent purchase of her own million dollar estate out there in California.

You know, I myself am in the market for a home in California. I mean, just to move there due to their incredible political policies and political leaders is reason enough. To have Nancy Pelosi, Gavin Newsom, Adam Schiff, etc leading the way, it would be a dream come true for me. If they could only entice Andy Cuomo, Chuckie Schumer, Warren Wilhelm, oops, I mean Billy Deblasio, and Jerry Nadler, to head out there, that would be nirvana.

Here is my problem Deano. I understand this is a very affluent community, Larchmont that is. But alas, I am not, so I may qualify for section 8 housing. Is there much section 8 housing in your community Deano? I’m sure you would be wide open to that, maybe I could qualify. Well anyway, I’ll shoot you my personal info, so that if any homes open up on your block, you could give me a heads up.

Keep up the spectacular apolitical, unbiased reporting over at the Old Gray Lady. How those hacks at those propaganda driven news outlets live with themselves is beyond me. They must have no conscience, eh Deano? You and your paper are a fantastic example to our children, such integrity. Kudos, on a job well done.

This phase was made popular by Kamala…isn’t she just precious? Also, let’s try and have less coverage to the myriad of charges against Andy ……..if that is even possible?

©Political satire by Chris Cirino. All rights reserved.

Facebook To Provide Pop-Up Warning When Your Friends Begin Thinking For Themselves

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has introduced a new feature that will warn you when one of your friends is sharing free and independent thoughts on its network.

Should you encounter an unapproved opinion, Facebook will provide a pop-up warning letting you know that if you’re concerned about a friend expressing opinions derived from free thought that is not in line with big tech companies, major corporations, Hollywood, universities, or the government, you can get them help.

The social media platform will allow you to take steps to report people who are sharing unapproved opinions. You may report them to Facebook, who will reach out to them to help them by forcibly sending them to a Facebook reeducation camp.

“Yes, the camp is mostly brainwashing,” Mark Zuckerberg admitted, “but the food is pretty good. They serve mac and cheese with the little cut-up hot dogs in there every Tuesday. Plus, we’ve got one of those big inflatable launcher things out on the lake, which you can use to relax and launch each other into the water. It’s a ton of fun. If we kidnap you and take you to our camp, we guarantee you’ll love hanging out there on the lake.”

“Once you finish your reeducation sessions, of course.”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Biden Rushing To Get Marxist Agenda Done Before Trump Reinstated As President

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

‘We At The NSA Are Not Spying On You,’ Insists Muffled Voice Coming From Tucker Carlson’s Toaster

BOCA GRANDE, FL—Fox News host Tucker Carlson has been going back and forth with the NSA, with the television commentator insisting the NSA is spying on him. The agency, however, has denied the claim, saying, “We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you” in a tinny, muffled voice coming from his toaster this morning.

“I just can’t believe the NSA would spy on me,” Carlson muttered while eating his typical breakfast of two dozen eggs, fourteen strips of bacon, and a full tub of pre-workout powder.

“We are not spying on you,” his toaster replied indignantly.

“What the –” Carlson shouted, jumping up and spilling bacon everywhere.

“We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you. We know nothing about you, like for instance that you enjoy the occasional slice of avocado toast with your breakfast, or that you have a tiny Tweety Bird tattoo on your lower back. We cannot know these things because we do not spy on American citizens without the proper court authorization. Have a great day!”

A freaked-out Carlson smashed the toaster to pieces with his bare fist and proceeded to frantically destroy appliances.

The NSA has said they are sorry for the incident and gifted Tucker with a hollowed-out wooden statue of Trump with suspiciously moving eyes by way of apology.

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EDITOR NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

10 Reasons The 2020 Election Was The Fairest Election Of All Time

Everyone knows the 2020 election was literally the most secure and fair presidential election—like, ever. But we know there are still a few skeptics out there. Here at the Bee, our number one mission is to prevent the spread of misinformation and make sure everyone still has faith in our democracy.

To help convince you, here is the undeniable evidence the election was fair:

1. Literally everyone says so: Duh. The 2020 election couldn’t have been rigged because all the people who are cool and smart and not weird say so. Do you want to look like a weirdo? Ew.

2. Journalists were fair and balanced in assessing the qualities of moderate, kind, decent Joe Biden, and of his opponent Hitler: Thank God for the press! They really made sure to give a fair and honest assessment of the most popular and wonderful president ever and the evil orange monster who wanted to kill democracy and take away all our norms and stuff. Great job, journalists!

3. Mail-in votes were handled by USPS—the most reliable, trustworthy company on the planet: The post office almost never screws up, loses, or delays US mail. It’s quite amazing, really.

4. Vote counters in Philadelphia and Detroit spent many years practicing how to count before election night: Some of them since kindergarten! The election was truly in good hands.

5. The Democrats have never done anything wrong, ever: Not ever.

6. Posters and barricades were held up to block people from seeing the unprecedented, blinding levels of vote counting fairness: Poll watchers showed up, but their eyeballs would have been burned out by the awe-inspiring amount of vote counting integrity. Many lives saved!

7. Absolutely nobody was threatened behind a poolhouse by a chain-wielding Biden: Biden is a fine, upstanding man of integrity and would never do something like that.

8. New York didn’t just accidentally count 138,000 ballots, a bizarrely familiar number: Science has clearly shown that voter fraud is completely impossible and would never happen here, especially in New York City where they’re really good at elections.

9. The election turned out exactly how your late great, great grandfather would have wanted: This was verified by his vote in the 2020 election.

10. The Democrat candidate won, which is perhaps the most important sign of a fair and impartial election: The evil, fascist dictator was voted out of office. Anything that was done to achieve this was fair, right?

We hope you have seen the light. Now shut up about the election you insurrectionist!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Swing State Steal and The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Frustrated Women Demand Trans Women In Public Restrooms Stop Leaving The Toilet Seat Up

“We’re sick of it!” said one probably transphobic woman. “We women have to deal with this all the time at home with our husbands or boyfriends, and now this? What’s it gonna take for you men– er, women, to stop leaving the toilet seat up?”

Some facilities had previously addressed this problem by gluing down the toilet seats but were later told that this was transphobic since some trans women need to lift the toilet seat for unknown reasons completely unrelated to physiology.

“This is a crisis,” said Senator Chuck Schumer to reporters, “and one that can only be solved through far-reaching legislation. Rest assured the Democrat party is working on a solution to the toilet seat issue.”

Congress has promised to intervene in this crisis by enacting legislation that would require full-time bathroom butlers to be paid a living wage to stay in women’s restrooms and put the toilet seats down after each use.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

8 Disturbing Signs That A President Is Planning To Become An Oppressive Dictator

We all know Biden is planning to become an oppressive dictator. He is a Democrat and Democrats are Marxists and Marxists killed one hundred million people last century, so Biden is probably planning to kill at least that many. Here are the signs to look for that Biden is about to go full dictator.

1) Puts kids in cages: Dictator 101 stuff right here. Just shoves kids in cages and hopes you’ll forget about them.

2) Pretends to be a senile old man as an excuse to forget about civil rights: If he keeps rambling and looking senile, that just so later he can be all “What’s a Constitution? I don’t remember that.”

3) Attempt a federal takeover of voting regulations: The easiest way to dictatorship is to control the elections.

4) Has an evil henchwoman that chuckles at questions about human tragedy: Your pain and suffering is their amusement. Truly frightening.

5) Talks in secret coded language disguised as old man gibberish (“Corn Pop was a bad dude”) to give commands to his secret police: Classic KGB tactic.

6) Sniffs hair: If there’s one thing dictators love, it’s sniffing hair. Why do you think Hitler and Stalin had mustaches? So they could smell hair all the time! Wake up, America!

7) Has his dog attack anyone who displeases him: That’s just straight-up Mr. Burns level evil. I’m sure he’ll say they’re “accidents” though.

8) Threatens to nuke everyone: This one is kind of over the top; if it happens, better start forming your underground resistance right away.

Uh-Oh. Looks like we’re in trouble!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

With Pride Month Ending, Nation Excited For Lust, Gluttony, Envy Months

U.S.—After a fun and exciting month of celebrating pride, the first of the seven deadly sins, Americans are gearing up to celebrate Greed Month—as well as Lust Month, Envy Month, Gluttony Month, Wrath Month, And Sloth Month.

“Yeah- it’s been a great pride month. I feel so prideful!” said local man Sasparillo Gunderprit. “But what I’m really looking forward to is greed month. I’m gonna celebrate by accumulating wealth for myself by abandoning all my morals. Just like Nike and Disney! Yay!”

Baptist churches, on the other hand, are already gearing up for gluttony month, which has always been their favorite month since gluttony isn’t actually a real sin—like being gay or drinking alcohol. Church members around the country are preparing their favorite cheesy sausage noodle casseroles and double-fudge cream custard desserts.

For thousands of Americans, collecting unemployment even though there are plenty of jobs available for them, it’s already been sloth month for a while now.

BLM and Antifa have shrugged off upcoming official months, saying they can celebrate all seven deadly sins every day of the year.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Is Your Teenager Secretly A Libertarian? 9 Warning Signs To Look For

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: your kid comes out as a libertarian. Don’t worry — we can help you nip it in the bud. You should be closely involved in your teen’s life to make sure he doesn’t suddenly start believing in freedom and personal responsibility. Make sure to constantly check for these 9 warning signs:

1. You walk into his room late at night and he frantically tries to hide the video he’s watching: Ron Paul’s Liberty Report. – Caught red-handed.

2. He asks for his allowance in Bitcoin. – Dogecoin can also be a red flag.

3. He screams, “AM I BEING DETAINED!?” when you ask him to come downstairs for dinner. – Also during detention, when you make him go to the grocery store with you, and pretty much anytime anyone asks him to do anything.

4. You check under his mattress and sure enough, he’s been hiding the worst thing imaginable: a copy of Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell. – Talk to your kids about Sowell before it’s too late.

5. While his schoolmates are shooting each other in Call of Duty, he’s plinking targets from 150 yards with his AR-15 – He’s only interested in the real thing.

6. You catch him texting girls “Taxation is theft.” – Always check your kids’ electronic devices so you can be alerted to these telltale signs of libertarianism.

7. He plays Grand Theft Auto but spends the whole time ranting about police violence against him for flying a military helicopter around Los Santos. – “I thought this was AMERICA.”

8. You get a call from school that he got thrown out of economics class again for arguing with his teacher about the unsustainability of the U.S. Dollar and the failure of Keynesian economics. – Trouble at school might mean he’s been radicalized by the Austrian school of economics. Not good!

9. He has no friends. – This is perhaps the surest sign of all.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Says Latinx Aren’t Getting Vaccinated Because Their Giant Sombreros Make It Impossible To Enter Pharmacies

RALEIGH, NC—It looks like President Joe Biden is not going to meet his goal of 70% of adults vaccinated by July 4th, and in a recent statement to the press during his “month of action” campaign, he explained why he believes there is some vaccination hesitancy, especially among minorities.

“It’s just hard for many minorities to get vaccinated,” Biden said. “For instance, many Latinx won’t get vaccinated because the giant sombreros they’re wearing make it impossible for them to get through the door at Walgreens to get their vaccination shots.”

Many of the press seemed confused by the statement, so Biden elaborated. “There are two things I know about Latinx: One — they all love being called ‘Latinx.’ Two — they are constantly wearing these giant round hats called ‘sombreros’ — ones too big to fit through the average pharmacy door. So what’s the solution to getting Latinx vaccinated? I dunno. Maybe there is no solution.”

Biden also gave his theories on why more African-Americans aren’t getting vaccinated, but we’d be canceled if we even repeated them.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Kamala, Decision Maker?

I hope today finds you well. Well, the Harris administration has finally silenced the radical right with Kamala’s historic trip down to the border. There she was at the epicenter of the border catastrophe down in El Paso. Her presence for approximately 90 minutes quelled all the issues she has been avoiding, I mean investigating, you know “root causes”.

She laid out some very definitive plans, a rock solid strategy to combat the issues at hand. Of course she realizes the root cause of this recent catastrophe- yep, you guessed it, it is President Trump’s fault. As far as any plans moving forward and what needs to get done, well that part is a little sketchy. She did say they have made “EXTREME PROGRESS”. When asked for specifics, she said she was pressed for time. It seems the layover in El Paso was only about 90 minutes before she was taking Air Force 2 to her toney Brentwood estate in California.

Her layover meeting was reminiscent of other great leaders and their decision making. FDR and later Harry Truman’s big 3 meetings during WWll come to mind. Or possibly, JFK confronting Khrushchev in regards to the Cuban missile crisis, perhaps. Or maybe, Joey’s recent leadership skills with everybody else first, but the United States strategy. I see a Nobel Peace Prize or two in the making with the Harris administration. President Trump is a racist.

As usual, the radical right has to put their warped spin on Kamala’s monumental moment to shine in her administration’s fantastic accomplishments. Here are some of their blatantly racist and misogynistic takes on her trip.

First, they point out, that she was nowhere near the true epicenter of the border catastrophe. They say the point where illegals are flooding our once great country is McAllen Tx, approximately 800 miles from El Paso. They use the analogy, that it is the same as going to access hurricane damage in Florida by going to Washington DC.

They point out she didn’t visit children in cages (her and Joey’s words), her battle cry when President Trump was in office. These have conveniently become holding facilities for the kids under this administration, nevertheless she didn’t visit those either. They are saying her hypocrisy knows no bounds. That she has zero leadership skills, is in way over her head, and is an embarrassment to her office. I just wish the press would give her the same courtesy and handle her with kid gloves, the way they did with President Trump. You know Deano, like you guys do over at The Times, always unbiased and objective, just so apolitical, no nefarious agenda for you guys.

Then they question the timing of Kamala’s trip. As the lovely, Jen Psaki explained, the timing was just right, you know 93 days after being tapped as the border czar. On a side note, has there ever been a more honest, warm, personable, press secretary than Ole Jen? For the life of me, I can’t understand why Conservatives refer to her as the modern day Joseph Goebbels’s, princess of propaganda. The right is even saying it is NOW 96 days since Kamala has been to the border, saying the layover in El Paso was just a failed photo op, and a miserable failure that accomplished nothing, it doesn’t count.

Get this Deano, they are saying the absolute only reason she went at all, is because President Trump scheduled a trip to the border next week. Come on man, like Jen said, the timing was just right….obviously. I mean, just because it was 5 days before President Trump is scheduled to go, just a coincidence. Come on radical right, just a very strange coincidence, that’s all….I think.

Will President Trump be going to El Paso, or possibly Dallas, or Brentwood CA, or actually McAllen where the crisis it at it’s worst? Any word if he plans to stay longer than 90 minutes. Personally, I think staying any longer to investigate this minor inconvenience is a bit of overkill. Don’t you agree Deano? Does anyone know if Kamala stayed longer than 90 minutes once she reached her Brentwood estate?

Deano’s New Digs

Speaking of Kamala’s estate reminded me, that you too have purchased a new estate out in Larchmont, California Deano. According to published reports, the word is you may be leaving The Old Gray Lady and heading out to the L.A. Times. They said they didn’t notice the sale at first due to the fact it was purchased under the cover of a trust. These reporting outlets don’t miss a trick, Deano.

It looks like a lovely quaint, and what I have read, a very affluent hamlet. The only red flag I saw was, that its diversity is severely lacking. Maybe just an oversight by you Deano, but the African American population is less than 3%. Yikes, probably just an oversight, on your part.

Just curious, as I am not an expert on California geography, but are you close to Patrisse Khan-Cullors, the cofounder of BLM? She too recently purchased a 1.4 million dollar home in Topanga Canyon . Small world eh, Deano? I was shocked to learn she resigned her position with BLM. Was this before or after the purchase of this luxurious estate? Surprisingly though, her neighborhood is also severely lacking in diversity. I guess she didn’t do her homework either, as hers is over 88% white. Hopefully her moving there will invite other average African Americans to join her. President Trump is a racist.

By the way, what are all these Dino’s doing lately. I mean Bill Maher, doubting the Russian collusion fiction, I mean story, or him saying the Wuhan virus was used for political purposes. How about devout liberal Jon Stewart, shocking political pawn, I mean talk show host Stephen Colbert, by saying the Wuhan Virus was manufactured in a lab. The worst of all has to be the illustrious Los Angeles Times, now saying Kamala has been totally ineffective in her installed role of Vice President. You may want to reconsider working for that propaganda outfit Deano.

Well, that is it for today Deano. Keep up your utmost journalistic integrity, you guys exude over there at The Times. Keep providing such an excellent example to the children of this country. Keep on printing the news that is fit to print.

©Political Satire by Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

Kids In Cages Disguise Selves As BLM Rioters In Hopes Of Kamala Freeing Them

U.S.-MEXICO BORDER—At a migrant child facility near the U.S.-Mexico border in southern Arizona, children caught wind of Kamala Harris coming to visit them, hearing her cackle from thousands of miles away.

“El diablo viene! El diablo viene! Dios mio!” cried hundreds of migrant children as they heard her approach. But quickly, a plan was hatched: the clever children decided to dress themselves up as “mostly peaceful protesters” in hopes that Kamala would raise their bail and free them from captivity.

Children from Central and South America dyed their hair purple, donned Che Guevara T-shirts, and began brandishing bricks and Molotov cocktails so that “la hiena del diablo” might see them and have mercy.

“It’s a genius plan,” said one CNN analyst. “Once she sees these poor kids looking like Antifa protesters and BLM rioters, surely she’ll realize they don’t need to be locked up. She’ll free them in no time.”

Unfortunately, Harris simply planted marijuana on them, locked them up forever, and began using them to make license plates.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

9 Careers More Appealing Than Being A Police Officer In 2021

Being a police officer in 2021 kiiiiiiinda sucks, since, you know, everyone will hate you and you’ll constantly be in fear of someone throwing a brick at your head or burning out your cop car just because. Well, we at The Babylon Bee have gathered up nine career choices that are MUCH more appealing than being a police officer in the current year. Check it out:

  1. Honeybadger catcher – Instead of trying to wrangle up Antifa members, just try to catch some wild honeybadgers. Much easier!
  2. Land mine tester – Much less deadly than policing in a Democrat-controlled city!
  3. MAGA hat salesman in Portland – Compared to being a cop in Portland, you’ll be loved and adored!
  4. Lori Lightfoot’s assistant – A bad career but not police officer bad.
  5. The guy at Facebook who has to examine photos flagged for having penises in them – This job sucks, but you’re not hated by all.
  6. Chrissy Teigen’s publicist – OK this one is getting pretty close to being as bad as a 2021 police officer.
  7. The guy at the recycling center who has to drink the last milk out of your plastic jugs – At least you know you’ll be doing it for Mother Earth!
  8. Your mom’s mirror – OOOOOH DAAAAAAANG!
  9. Christian movie reviewer – Alright, even we admit being a cop might be more appealing than watching every Christian movie that comes out.

Well, little would-be police officers in elementary school: pick one of these careers and get going!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserve.

Planned Parenthood Celebrates 104 Years Of Preventing Fatherhood

NEW YORK, NY—In honor of Father’s Day, Planned Parenthood put out a press release reminding the organization’s followers that they have been preventing people from becoming fathers for nearly 105 years.

Planned Parenthood spokespersons say the organization is passionate about fatherhood and making sure that men who become fathers have the opportunity to pressure their baby mamas into killing their children.

“We’re proud to honor fathers today. Fathers are a large part of what we do here at Planned Parenthood. Well, ending fatherhood, anyway, and making sure that men never become fathers,” said a Planned Parenthood spokesperson. “And if they do accidentally become fathers, we can shut that down too. Ask us how!”

The organization is even running specials for Father’s Day, with two for one abortions being offered all day long.

At publishing time, the organization had issued an apology for implying that only men can have fatherhood prevented and that “both birthing and non-birthing persons can be fathers and also have their non-gender-specific children aborted at any time during pregnancy.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

VIDEO: Five Troubling Signs That Your Baby Might Be A White Supremacist

Newborns can be a lot of work. Diapers, lack of sleep, and the possibility that they are racist. These five tips could help!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Federal Judge Rules That Jewish Baker Must Make ‘Death To Israel’ Cake For Arab Customer

NEW YORK, N.Y.—A federal appeals court judge has ruled that a Jewish bakeshop owner must comply with his Arab customer’s request to bake a “Death To Israel” cake.

Jacob Greenstein, the owner of Jake Bakes Cakes in Brooklyn, said the controversy started after a customer ordered a special Hamas-themed “Death To Israel” cake for his son’s sixth birthday party.

“He wanted me to bake a cake with the words “DEATH TO ISRAEL” on the top in bold lettering,” Greenstein said. “He offered me extra money if I could put a few Jewish dead bodies on the sides. I thought it was offensive since I’m an Israeli Jew, so I politely declined.”

Greenstein said the customer was enraged at his refusal and took the matter to court. After Greenstein won at trial, the customer eventually appealed to a federal circuit court where a judge overturned the ruling.

“The American right to cake is just as sacred as the right to kill unborn babies, choose your own pronouns, and vote by mail without showing ID or proof of citizenship,” the judge said in his scathing 12-page ruling. “As such, I decree that Jake Bakes Cakes must bake the ‘Death To Israel’ cake.”

“Furthermore, the cake must be chocolaty and delicious, with buttercream frosting that’s sweet but not too overpowering,” the judge continued. “And everyone must wear masks while baking it, lest any COVID particles get into the batter. Thus sayeth the government.”

Greenstein said he plans to appeal the decision all the way to the supreme court if necessary, but that he’s having trouble finding a lawyer. “Most of the law firms I’ve talked to said they’re refusing to take my case because I’m Jewish,” he said.

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