Trump Announces He Is Building 1,954-Mile Long Trump Hotel Along Southern Border

RIO GRANDE CITY, TX—Trump flew to America’s southern border this week to announce a brand-new Trump hotel unlike anything the world has ever seen. The planned hotel will be almost 2,000 miles long and will be situated right on the southern border.

“Yes folks, I’m proud to announce we are building a big, beautiful, golden Trump hotel on the southern border,” said Trump to reporters. “Land just happens to be really cheap down here, what can I say? The border just looks terrible ever since Sleepy Joe ‘Loserface’ Biden stole the presidency from me. Just a disgrace. I’ll bet he can’t even build a wall as fast and cheap as I can build my new Trump hotel. Watch!”

The luxurious hotel will also include an 800-mile golf course and a 1,000-mile lazy tubing river. The southern wall will be a gleaming and impenetrable barrier with Trump’s name emblazoned on it every couple of miles.

“Everyone, of all creeds, nationalities, and skin colors can enter my hotel, as long as they enter my hotel legally,” Trump clarified. “The only ones not allowed in my hotel are Sleepy Joe, Cacklin’ Kamala, and maybe Rosie O’Donnell.”

According to sources who have seen the blueprints, the hotel will have plenty of entrances, but only on the north side of the building for some reason.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

BREAKING: Kamala Harris Hit With Joker Laugh Gas Attack — UPDATE: False Alarm. She Was Simply Asked A Question About Children Locked Up At The Border

Biden Gets No Pudding Cup Today As Punishment For Taking A Question

Congress Passes Law To Recognize Juneteenth, The Day Republicans Freed All The Democrats’ Slaves

Existential Crisis Narrowly Avoided With Timely Burrito

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

In Honor Of Pride Month, Biden Announces He Will Also Sniff Men’s Hair

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a televised address this week, President Biden voiced support for the LGBTQ community and promised to honor them with a commitment to not only sniff women’s hair, but also men’s hair.

“Look– I’ve been sniffing the hair of women and girls for many decades,” said Biden. “It’s time for me to recognize the accomplishments of the LGBT folks. I’m maybe gonna get in trouble for this, but if you’re a man, I just may sniff your hair. That’s because I’m not homophobic. I ain’t afraid to sniff a dude! Come on, man!”

Biden was then quickly led off the podium by his wife before he could say any more.

“Every gender! I’ll sniff ’em all!” Biden yelled, protesting as he was dragged out of sight of the crowd.

According to sources, no gay men have taken up Biden on his offer to sniff their hair. However, hundreds of straight male journalists have lined up outside the White House clapping and cheering, hoping for their chance to be sniffed by the President.

Brian Stelter went to bed crying, as he had no hair for President Biden to sniff.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Child Worker’s Spirits Really Lifted By All The Pride Merch He’s Making For Major Corporations

Dems Shocked, Disappointed To Learn The New Israeli Prime Minister Will Still Be A Jew

Kamala Harris Suggests Biden Has Dirt On The Clintons

Surefire Ways To Win An Argument With Your Wife

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

World’s Economy Saved As Giant Crack In Earth Swallows Up All G7 Conference Attendees

CORNWALL—A time of peace and prosperity has broken out across the earth after a sudden earthquake opened up a crack in the earth’s crust and swallowed up all G7 world leaders in mere seconds.

Witnesses reported feeling a low rumble beneath their feet as Joe Biden, Justin Trudeau, Angela Merkel, and others gathered on the green grass for a photo op. The rumble grew to a roar as the ground below them opened up and dragged every G7 leader into the depths of the earth. The ground then closed up over them and they were never heard from again.

“Hey guys, please remember to use my preferred pronouns,” Trudeau had begun to say. “We need to be sensitive to– AAAHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Experts are unsure who will be taking over the important work of running the planet, issuing random lockdown orders, and fighting climate change in the absence of such brilliant and courageous leaders.

“This is such a disaster. What will we ever do without them?” said 1 or 2 people around the world.

World governments have assured their citizens they will continue the important work of building back better for everyone. American citizens will be mourning the terrible loss this weekend with backyard barbecues.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

People Who Ruined World’s Economies Gather To Discuss How To Fix World’s Economies

Texas Governor Signs Executive Order Donating City Of Austin To California

Far-Right Apostle Paul Bans Teaching Critical Race Theory In Churches

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Oh, those pesky questions to Nancy, Kamala and Joey

I hope today finds you well. Well the radical right is off to the races again. Common targets are the usual suspects, Joey, Kamala and even the face of the Democratic Party, Nancy Pelosi.

It seems the right has a habit of asking these annoying questions at all the wrong times. Well, our patriotic leaders are having none of it. Let’s look at each case, shall we Deano.

NANCY , KAMALA, and JOEY

Recently, Nancy had an exchange with a reporter, from none other than that bastion of unbiased reporting CNN, namely Dana Bash. Well, it seem Dana had the audacity to ask Nancy about the infighting between the squad and more moderate Democrats.

Let me refresh your memory, it stems from when Ilhan Omar made a comment equating the United States to Hamas and the Taliban. So far it seems like a very reasonable statement wouldn’t you agree Deano? Then AOC, (I see her in the White House some day, so eloquent and intelligent), starts supporting Omar publicly. Well, not to be outdone, Rashida Tlaib starts criticizing Nancy with her tweets.

This is when Dana started to press Nancy for specifics. Nancy said, she spoke to Omar and she clarified her comments, and we thanked her. That was nice of Nancy to thank Omar, don’t you think? Well, Dana kept asking for more specific information, that is when Nancy had had enough. She stated again, she clarified, and we thanked her, END OF SUBJECT! Very Don Corleone like. Too bad she didn’t go over and rip up the reporters notes, she has been know to do that before.

I thought Ole Nancy was crystal clear. Why the Gestapo tactics, by of all people, CNN. Well, now she knows not to push Nancy for such frivolous details, like what was actually said. This reminds me of when Nancy lost patience with a reporters question during the second farce, I mean impeachment of President Trump. When told Senator Graham planned on calling witnesses, you know, if the Democrats decide to call witnesses. It seems the Senator wanted to question the FBI on who actually planned the attack on the Capitol, January 6th. He also had questions regarding what happened with the security footprint of the Capitol, and who ultimately is responsible.

Well, Nancy’s reply to the reporter was both professional and a textbook Democratic response. She simply stated, your question is a waste of time……simply brilliant, what leadership.

It seems the radical right took off with this question posed by CNN reporter Dana Bash. Saying, it now seems obvious that the radical progressive faction of the Democratic Party, answers to no one. Not even the esteemed leader of the House, Speaker Nancy Pelosi. They point out the major mouthpieces of the party Nancy Pelosi, and Chuck Schumer have been silenced by 4 radicals, named the squad. Even Jerry Nadler, is uncharacteristically quiet, he is busy though, working on the latest farce, spygate.

They point out that whenever there is a tough question to answer, they do one of 3 things.

  1. React angrily, such as Nancy did in this exchange; or possibly Joey, when questioned by a reporter about Trump sanctions still in place. You know, when Ole Joe leaned into the microphone at the G7 presser and said, I’ve only been in office 120 days, give me time some time man. Well first, it is 145 days, and second, he shut down the Keystone pipeline, his first day on the job. By the way, he prefaced that by saying he was going to get in trouble for taking a question from this reporter. Who in the world is the POTUS answering to, the right asks. That may be a question Jen Psaki can circle around to. President Trump is a racist.
  2. Try and deflect, such as Kamala did recently. With her bizarre, (as per CNN) answer that she also has never been to Europe, when again questioned as to why she hasn’t been to the Southern border. Or, admonishing a reporter, when asked for a specific timeframe. Also, who can forget her trademark and totally inappropriate cackle as a failed deflection tactic. They say her cackle and dance routines on Ellen may have worked on cushy talk show appearances, but as the VP, she just looks like an incompetent fool, who is in way over her head.
  3. Just walk away. As Joey has done on numerous occasions, especially when the subject of Hunter comes up. Whether it is in regards to his $83,000 a month board of directors job for a Burisma energy company or his other multiple indiscretions. This while the big guy, aka VP Joey Biden had the Ukraine fire a prosecutor who was investigating this same energy company. This while threatening to withhold U.S. funds from the Ukraine, unless this happened. As Joey himself said, son of bitch wouldn’t ya know it, the guy fired by the end of the day. Boy, then they just yucked it up. What a diplomat, no sense of impropriety there, huh Deano? I know so, because it is never mentioned in your publication. What does the radical right see that we don’t? Joe always just walks away, when he doesn’t like the question, like a true professional. Unless you push his buttons, then he may challenge you to a push up contest. I can’t wait for Wednesday when Joey meets with Putin. I hope they put in a few more secret service agents to hold Joey back. President Trump is a racist.

The radical right goes on to say these liberal propaganda outlets, cover all these gross improprieties and incompetence, while directing all the anger and hatred for FORMER President Trump. They goes so far as to give this analogy. If President Trump were to cure cancer, the next day The New York Times headline would read…..Trump Plans To Put Doctors Out Of Work! You wouldn’t do that, would you Deano?

One last question Deano in regards to Joey. Is there any truth from the radical right, to when they asked Joey, what his favorite ice cream is? Did he really say Syria or Libya, he likes them just the same?

Thank you for your due diligence in finding out the facts and your honest, unbiased, apolitical reporting. Now, we just have to get CNN back on track. As always, you and your paper are a shining example to our children, showcasing your journalistic integrity. Kudos on a job well done!

©Political satire by Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

Kamala Starting To Crack

It seems Kamala’s perpetual smile and giddy laughter is becoming less and less these days.  Maybe it was those Guatemalan’s holding banners saying , Trump won, go home.  I’m not even sure this is true, seeing as though there was no mention of that in your paper.  So, I’m assuming it never happened , seeing that I know you demand integrity and diligence  from your staff.

Maybe, it the question she hears everywhere she go these days……when are you going to visit the border?  The radical right has been relentless on this coverage.

Stating that Heels Harris had no problem visiting the border when President Trump was in office.  Her outrage of the deplorable conditions down there was great theatre. Showing pictures of “children in cages”.  Those cages that were instituted under Barack Hussein Obama, by the way.  I tried to reach out to Barack, but he was at his second home, the 29 acre estate on Martha’s Vineyard.  The cages  she now calls “children’s holding facilities”.  Her vernacular seems to change……..seeing that it is now a reflection of HER administration now.

The radical right keeps playing her little hissy fit, where she says, she has never been to Europe either!  I’m not really sure what that was supposed to mean?  Anyway, you didn’t mention a word of it, so it must not be relevant.  I know you would have given the same consideration to President Trump.  I always say ,under your personal leadership your reporters are always fair, unbiased, and apolitical.

They keep commenting that this installed administration is inept.  They say it’s a toss up on who is more incompetent, Kamala who is in way over her head, or cognitively challenged Joey.  They point to the blatant hypocrisy, double standards and outright lies being proliferated by the soulless left wing media.

I just worry that that effervescent smile and schoolyard girl giggle will disappear.  Maybe a quest spot on the View with the lovely and talented Joy Behar. (Just leave out the part where Joy dressed in blackface).  Or possibly a guest spot with everyone’s favorite Ellen. Maybe they could rehash their President Trump death joke, that is always a crowd pleaser. They better hurry though Ellen will be signing off soon.  Oh ,those pesky complaints of a toxic work environment.  Maybe her staff could go to work for Andy Cuomo, I understand he is a joy to work with.

Speaking of Andy there Deano, when is The Old Gray Lady going to come out and endorse Old Andy.  Why the hold up?

Thank you for all you do, to report the news that is fit to print.  You are a guiding light for our children, in regards to honestly and fair play.   When are you heading out to the new digs around Los Angeles.  Nice to soak up some sun, in that 2.1 million dollar estate. See honest hard work still pays off.  Kudos.

©Political Satire by Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

NOT POLITICAL SATIRE VIDEO: Kamala Cackles About Not Visiting Border.

Biden: ‘If You Don’t Use The N-Word, You Ain’t My Son!’

WASHINGTON, D.C.— An enraged Joe Biden attacked the media this morning for targeting his son over the use of N-word, stating that such language only confirmed that Hunter is, in fact, his son.

“Why in tarnation are these bright, articulate, clean-looking black people all upset? You know how I talk about black people, heck you’ve heard me saying this stuff for forty years! He’s my son for crying out loud – if you don’t do things like confuse being black with being poor, well then you ain’t my son, bucko!”

For his part, Hunter explained that he was extremely, extremely high when he typed those text messages and in fact has no recollection of ever doing so, or of the past 30 years. He did say, however, that he was pretty sure he had gotten a “Presidential N-Word Pass” from his dad’s black friend, so he was pretty sure it was cool.

Brian Stelter jumped to Hunter’s defense by spending his entire news segment repeatedly saying the N-word, arguing that it really is a form of anti-racism, much like segregation. Twitter and Facebook will now allow the term as well, reportedly to help “decolonize the term’s racist roots.”

“We’re all Democrats here, which I think makes us part black anyways, so let’s just put this behind us. I just don’t get what the big deal is about saying n-“, said Biden, just before he was tackled by a group of aides and ushered to safety.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

To Fight Climate Change, Biden Sends U.S. Military To Eliminate Flatulent Cows

Pelosi Asks Omar To Clarify Ambiguous Statement That We Should ‘Kill The Jews’

CNN Forced To Reset ‘Days Since Trump Was Proven Right’ Counter To Zero Again

New York Times Relocates Offices To Beijing So Reporters Won’t Have To See So Many ‘Disturbing’ American Flags

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Democrats Demand Republicans Pay Them Reparations For Freeing Their Slaves

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in Washington are demanding reparations from the Republican Party for the massive financial losses of Democrats following the emancipation of the slaves.

“It’s been many years, and still, this grave injustice has not been corrected,” said Chuck Schumer in a joint press conference with Nancy Pelosi. “Our Democrat ancestors faced decades of financial ruin after the Republicans came in and freed all their slaves. Extremely unfair. It must be corrected now.”

Detractors of the proposed reparations plan insist that Democrats and Republicans held a secret meeting in the ’60s and decided to switch positions on slavery and racism, and are arguing it may be hard to track down who should pay reparations and who shouldn’t.

“This isn’t complicated,” said Pelosi. “Republicans must pay. Yeah, slavery is bad and all that, but Republicans must face justice and pay reparations.”

According to sources, reparations paid by Republicans to Democrats will then be paid as reparations to black-owned organizations to atone for the sin of slavery, which will then be sent back to the democrat party to assist in reelection campaigns.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Harry And Meghan Announce Birth Of Beautiful ‘Half-Oppressed, Half-Privileged Baby’

Governor Gavin Newsom Announces He’s Using His Emergency Powers To Wish For More Emergency Powers

Pride Month Canceled After It’s Revealed LGBTQ Community Culturally Appropriated Sign Of Noahic Covenant

Elon Musk Excited To Once Again Be Richest Man On Earth While Jeff Bezos Is In Space

Disney Announces New Movie Giving Sympathetic Origin Story To Kamala Harris

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Kamala’s Dilemma

I am here to reach out to The New York Times, and especially to their executive editor Dean Baquet, to get their input on Kamala’s historic trip to Guatemala.

After putting on her diplomatic genius for all the world to see, she is being bombarded with criticism, some of it from her own party. I understand AOC is outraged. What is the world coming to when a Patriot like Kamala gets attacked. Always putting the needs and welfare of this country and it’s citizen’s as her top priority. With an occasional break for a pastry or two.

Well the right has been showing what they call, a national embarrassment of her trip non stop. I was hoping to see the Old Gray Lady come to her defense, but all I saw was a small AP story yesterday. It must be a deadline issue, yeah that must be it.

KAMALA’S TRIP TO GUATEMALA

Well for months now, the radical right has been harping on the Harris administration to get down to the border. So after just a few short months that dynamo Kamala flew into the Guatemalan/ Mexican border. Which by the way is just about 2,500 miles away from the US/Mexican border. Does it really matter that much, radical right? After all it is still a border, sheesh.

Let’s look at what this trailblazer accomplished on her first diplomatic trip, shall we. Well her main goal was to identify the root causes of this border catastrophe. I agree wholeheartedly with Kamala, you want to do in-depth research while a catastrophe gets exponentially worse by the day. You can never have enough data, I say.

Of course these Conservatives are screaming from the roof tops that the crisis at OUR border needs to be addressed immediately. That flat out says this is a result of reversing all of President Trump’s very successful policies, not investigating “root causes”. They claim Joey’s rapid fire executive orders are an utter failure. The right calls these actions plain vindictive and grossly incompetent.

They point out the trafficking of young children, rampant influx of drugs including fentanyl, people being left for dead as they march to the border in Biden/Harris tee shirts. More and more cages for children being built, I mean holding facilities. Kamala has changed her description on these cages over the last 5 months or so.

Illegal immigrants being bused to airports and flown out in the dead of night under the shroud of secrecy, to avoid any media detection. But those pesky right wing media groups did indeed get footage of this happening. You know, in line with when they caught Pete Buttigieg having secret service pull his bike out of a van, close to his office, you know, so he could claim how green he was by peddling to work. President Trump is a racist.

Well, Kamala’s retort was the main problem for the influx of illegal immigrants was climate change. There, take that radical right! I guess the climate must have really changed since President Trump left office. I guess, it must be attributed to El Niño. Let’s go with that Deano, El Niño is the cause of the catastrophe at the border, our border that is.

The only thing that is a little confusing is she is telling illegals not to come now. Her administration previously said all are welcome. I mean, she just listed the root cause as climate change. I mean, does she want these poor people to remain there and possibly get sunburn? You can see the quandary here, quite vexing. I know AOC is not happy, she would like to have a word with her, maybe after she takes care of her Grandma’s house in Puerto Rico.

GUATEMALA’s TAKE ON ALL OF THIS

Well talk about ingratitude, after Kamala treks all the way to the wrong border, to identify the problem of illegal immigration. You know, the root cause of ALL of this is climate change, and possibly a little government corruption.

Well, Guatemalan President Alejandro Giammattei, gave his opinion. He lays the blame squarely on the Biden administration, not this climate change nonsense that Kamala is touting. I mean, of all the nerve. Then during their meeting with the press, one reporter had the audacity to ask Kamala why she hasn’t visited the US/Mexican border? Well, without skipping a beat and looking, oh so comfortable and confident, stammered and said, I’m not getting caught up in these Republican games! Fantastic representation of our country and oh so professional, really shows her in-depth insight, and how she stays cool under pressure.

My question, who vetted these reporters down there in Guatemala? I mean don’t they know we usually supply the Harris administration with pictures of reporters who ask tough questions, you know, like Joey has at all his press conferences. Well, I mean his one and only scripted, I mean unrehearsed presser. Well, anyway President Trump is a racist.

Word is, Kamala demanded her cookie back that she gave to Mr Giammattei earlier in the day. Rumor from the right is that the secret service we’re running after his motorcade screaming for her cookie back. Damn scoundrel! I always thought the old cookie trick was a shoe in. It worked wonderfully for “Dr” Jill Biden as she gave them out to the National guard after they were forced to sleep on the floor of the DC parking garage. Where she get the time to bake is beyond me. Maybe they were from Joey’s midday after work supply.

MEDIA MAYHEM

The coverage from this highly successful trip has been nonstop. Well, from the right that is, not all that much from you media icons from the left, you guys the beloved CNN too.

How about Rino Lester Holt grilling obviously exhausted Kamala ( poor woman hadn’t had a pastry for hours), if she had any plans to visit the border. Well Kamala said, THEY have been to the border! But Old Lester fired back…..you specifically, when will you go to the border, you’ve never been yet? Well the unflappable Kamala replied, well I haven’t been to Europe either. What a brilliant comeback, Old Lester just seemed speechless. That was her JFK, FDR, shining oratory moment, breathtaking. Of course, she emphasized her point with her lilting ,coquettish, girlish laughter. Some from the right refer to it as a form of Tourette’s Syndrome. I also understand, she looked out the window of her plane when it passed over the actual border in crisis. It was a little fuzzy from 35,000 feet, but she gets the picture.

The right says, she is so used to being treated with kid gloves from liberal propaganda hacks, that she has folded like a cheap suit when put under scrutiny. They claim her ineptitude for her job title was on full display for the world to see. The right claims, if one or two more questions put the spotlight on her incompetence, she would have broken down into tears, like a young schoolgirl.

Well thank goodness for honest, unbiased reporting from you guys at The Times, Deano. Always showing both sides of the story, always apolitical. A shining example to our children on how to present yourself in a unscrupulous and respectable manner. That is why I was happy to see your minuscule coverage of this developing disaster. Kudos on a job well done.

©Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

More Democrat Governors Moving To Florida To Escape Their Own COVID Policies

U.S.—A shocking study has found an increasing number of Democratic state governors are fleeing to Florida, desperate to escape the ravages of their own COVID lockdown policies.

The report found that Governors Whitmer, Newsom, and Cuomo have already secretly purchased homes in The Sunshine State.

“Let me be clear. Florida is a deep dark pit of deep right-wing darkness,” said Newsom as he watched his servants pack up his U-Haul. “But also, their restaurants are actually still in business, and I’m really hungry.”

The study also found that Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York has secretly been making trips to Florida since last year, mainly due to the fact that no one lives in New York anymore and he gets lonely sometimes. “Listen,” he said while eating a meatball sub he had made himself since there were no sub shops left in New York, “even a guy like me needs someone to talk to every once in a while. That’s why I’m movin’ to Florida.”

Governor Ron DeSantis has expressed concern over the influx of Democrat Governors clamoring to get into the state and has mandated that they all quarantine for at least a year before mixing with the general populace.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

LeBron: ‘Me And My Team Have Decided To Boycott The Playoffs In The Name Of Social Justice’

Concerns Arise Over Jen Psaki’s Physical Health After Her Statement That Biden Is ‘Hard To Keep Up With’

Gavin Newsom Tries To Woo Californians Back By Disguising State As Texas

Covert Navy SEAL Team Really Starting To Regret Wearing These Pride Month Uniforms

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.


NOT SATIRE: The James Madison Institute is the leading voice of liberty that helped STOP the lockdowns in Florida and continues to empower the state to become one of the best places to live, start a business, and raise a family.

Now, our efforts are focused on promoting pro-liberty & innovative policy solutions that will create more jobs and greater prosperity for our state.

You can help The James Madison Institute continue to fight for liberty in Florida and across the country by donating $20.22, $50, $100, $250, $500, or any amount by clicking here.
Thank you,

Dr. Bob McClure
President & CEO
The James Madison Institute

Trump Reveals First 10 Items On His Agenda For When He’s Reinstated As President In August

Trump is going to be reinstated as president this August, reliable sources have informed us — the best sources, everyone says so. When this happens, he has a lot of work to do returning America to its former greatness. Luckily, high-energy Trump is up to the task. He has already released a list of the first ten things on his agenda for when he gets back in office later this summer:

1. Re-drain the swamp. – There’s been a lot of swamp build-up over the past few months — time to start re-draining!

2. Nuke a blue state as a warning to the rest of the blue states. – California will do nicely.

3. Un-gay the military. – Trump says he will make the military the straightest it’s ever been!

4. Sign an executive order bringing back Aunt Jemima, Mr. Potato Head, and Uncle Ben. – Wow! Promises made, promises kept!

5. Lock up Hillary but for real this time. – Lock her up, but actually do it!

6. Order ten new seasons of Firefly. – A move that will gain our true president real bipartisan support.

7. Build 500 new pipelines making gas plummet to a dime a gallon. – It’s a foolproof plan.

8. Jail everyone involved in The Last Jedi – Starting with the ringleader Rian Johnson.

9. Make America great again again. – There’s a lot of work to do to make America great again, again, but Trump is up to the job. Again.

10. Wipe away every tear. – He will also make the lion lie down with the lamb.

We. Can’t. Wait!

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Pouting LeBron James Unplugs Sega Genesis While Losing Game Of NBA Jam

China Denies Reports Of Bird Flu, Says There Are No Birds In China

John The Baptist Not Invited Back To Potluck After Bringing Locust And Honey Casserole

AOC Claims Her Abuela Died In Attack On Capitol

Unity At Last: Klansman And Rich Liberal Activist Join In Celebration As Black Neighborhood Burns Down

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

In Honor Of Pride Month, Here Are The Babylon Bee’s Top 2 Genders

Well, it’s pride month, which is a time of celebration for all orientations, biological sexes, and genders. Thirty full days of celebrating all the letters in the LGBTQ+ alphabet — what fun! We at The Babylon Bee don’t want to get left behind, of course, so let’s kick off Pride Month with a list of our top two genders!

We had all our writers vote on their favorite genders and narrowed it down to just the best two. Here they are:

1. Women – Women took the top slot this year. Congratulations, women! Women are great. One of the best genders of all time– everyone says so. They are really beautiful to look at, especially when they are married to you and they smile at you with those beautiful faces of theirs. According to experts, women make life worth living and fill the world with sweetness, warmth, and love! They have the amazing ability to think about 32 things at the same time and predict infinite possible outcomes to every scenario, kind of like Dr. Strange. Amazing!

Women are so amazing, in fact, that men spent thousands of years fighting wars and building civilization just so women could have air conditioning. Many of us Babylon Bee writers have even selected one wonderful person of this gender to spend the rest of our lives with, since they are so amazing.

Great job, women!

2. Men – Coming in a close second was men. Many of us were surprised that men didn’t take the top slot. They have the distinct advantage, after all, of being able to pick what restaurant they want to go to. They are handy around the house. They also drive better and are way better at telling Dad jokes. They also risk their lives climbing high telephone poles and working on dangerous oil rigs, all so women can have air conditioning. But those factors just weren’t enough to push them to the top. They tend to be way less good-looking than women, and way smellier. Better luck next time, men!

Congrats to the winners, and check back next year to see whether the same two genders top our list!

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Bars On Migrant Kids’ Cages To Be Painted Rainbow Colors For Pride Month

9 Ways To Survive As A Non-Leftist On A College Campus

Governor DeSantis Signs Controversial Bill Declaring The Sky Is Blue

Nickelodeon Announces New Show That Teaches Communism To Kids, ‘Red’s Clues’

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Fauci Conspiracy??????????????

Wow, it seems the radical right is attacking the integrity and honesty of the esteemed “Dr” Fauci. The right is now claiming the good doctor has a slew of e-mails suggesting that there was a good possibility that the China virus was manufactured in a Wuhan lab. This just can’t be true, can it Deano?

They point out he was denying this allegation back in the beginning of 2020, when these e-mails were exchanged. You know, when President Trump and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo were suggesting it quite possibly was man made in a laboratory.

Please Deano, don’t tell me that President Trump was right again! I mean the right is screaming from the rafters about a major coverup. You know , accusing all those credible news , like yourselves and other media outlets, of promoting this idea, that this was just a right wing political ploy, pushing conspiracy theories during an election year. The right often refers to it as a Plandemic. They are accusing such trustworthy stalwarts as Jack Dorsey and Twitter, Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook, even the ever unbiased CNN as well as you pristine guys over at the Times, of censorship and working as a propaganda arm of the Democratic Party. The audacity of the radical right, I mean where is the proof………well, President Trump is a racist!

The also point to the many flip flops on mask use by Ole Doc Fauci, and just his general incompetence. There are purportedly e-mails where he admits that the masks are basically useless. That it may help against large droplets like a sneeze, but are useless against the general airborne particles. My own doctor last year, equated it to trying to catch mosquitoes with a chain link fence. He asked me to leave though, as I started screaming you have to follow the science like doc Fauci and Andy Cuomo reminds me daily! So, I have been following the science , just like, I’m sure you have been Deano. But, you have to admit, it was a little tough following his guidelines. You know no mask necessary, yes it is necessary, two masks should do the trick, oh, they are really not needed.

I tried to reach Joey for comment, but he put the lid on the things, as it was getting late in the day.

It was after all 4 in the afternoon. This, I’m told is when Joey likes to settle in and watch Judge Judy and Matlock with pudding cup or two.

I tried to reach Kamala. But she was out shoe shopping. The right is calling her grossly incompetent and in way over her head. You just wait radical right, just wait for that press conference regarding the border catastrophe, just wait, just wait………………just wait, President Trump is a racist.

That is why I’m looking for you Deano, to come out blazing against this Conservative assault, light up the front page refuting all these baseless allegations. I just can’t wait for today’s edition. Of course, I hope there are the usual couple of stories about Russian collusion in the 2016 election or President Trump’s tax return. Stay away from that other propaganda also Deano. You know, rampant inflation, gas prices, food prices skyrocketing. Small businesses crumbling, due to people making more money sitting home….you go Joey. Cyberattacks on the rise, Joey caving to Putin, removing Russian sanctions on pipelines, while shutting ours down. Major Cities ablaze, crime skyrocketing. Maybe a story on what Joey claims is the biggest problem in our country, systematic racism and white supremacy. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Of course the right keeps referring to Joey as a cognitively challenged puppet for the likes of Pelosi, Schumer, AOC and the like. I myself, see a strategic genius, plotting his next move. Don’t get me started on his superior orating skills, clear ,concise and unscripted, reminds me of a young Jack Kennedy.

As always, the Times integrity is beyond reproach. CNN as well, just outstanding. Keep fighting the allegations from the radical right, or do what you do best, don’t even acknowledge anything that doesn’t fit your narrative. Your following if I be so bold, is almost cult like. Not Jim Jones cult like mind you. Wait a minute, his ideology was based on Socialism, so………..you guessed it, President Trump is a racist.

The example you set for our children is immeasurable. Thank you shaping the young minds of America. You must be so proud.

©Political Satire by Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

First-Ever Pride Month Ruined By 40 Days Of Rain

MESOPOTAMIA—It was going to be the first-ever Pride Month — a celebration of everyone doing everything they feel like doing in their hearts all the time — when it suddenly started raining and didn’t stop for forty days as God tried to wash all the wickedness off the earth.

“Ugh. Well, this ruins everything,” said one man, who had looked forward to the celebration but was instead climbing to the top of a building to get away from the ever-rising water.

This was going to be a celebration unlike anything the world had ever seen, and everyone was looking forward to it — except for Noah, a notorious stick in the mud.

“We’re all getting ready for a fun party,” said Noah’s neighbor, “and there he is, working on some boat or something. He won’t even wear his pride robe.”

The boat ended up being a boon for Noah as the flood covered the face of the entire earth and even led to some conspiracy theories that Noah knew this was going to happen.

Thanks to all life being wiped out, it will probably be a very long time before there is another pride month. Next time, the people plan to use the rainbow symbol to constantly remind God during the festivities that, no matter how wicked they get, He said He wouldn’t flood them again.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Democrat Pilot And Republican Co-Pilot Argue Over How Fast They Should Fly Plane Into Ground

Compromise: Mayor Lightfoot Agrees To Half-Interview With Half-Black Journalist

DeSantis Decides To Allow Biological Men To Compete In Women’s Sports As Long As They Wear High Heels

7 Ways GTA Points Us To Christ

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Protecting Joey

I am here to address the accusations being hurled by the Radical Right against the man currently occupying the White House, Joey Biden.

For most of the six-or-so months since his election, I have been sending daily e-mails to a number of employees at that bastion of unbiased reporting, The New York Times. They include the big honcho Executive Editor Dean Baquet, journalist/news assistant Aidan Gardiner, and a number of low-to-mid-level customer-service people.

On mostly a daily basis, I have been expressing my outrage to them regarding the egregiously biased leftwing propaganda they shamelessly hawk to the public. While I can’t describe every grievance I express to them, here are some of the key issues.

THE BORDER

Call it a catastrophe, a crisis, a challenge, an inconvenience, it all gets so confusing. The Right calls it a catastrophe. Joey calls it a crisis. Joey’s Press Secretary Jen Psaki corrected Joey and called it a challenge. She said that he misspoke, which she has said quite often since she took the thankless role of interpreting, translating, generally figuring out what ole Joey actually said…or actually meant.

Personally, I call the border issue an inconvenience since I believe that Conservatives are blowing the entire issue way out of proportion.

First, if this were really a newsworthy issue, then the Harris administration would lift the ban on news agencies and cameras it has imposed on any seekers of information. You know, the way it was during President Trump’s administration.

Second, do you really think for a minute that if thousands of illegal aliens pouring over our southern border––perhaps hundreds or even thousands of them Covid-positive––was an important issue, that border Czar Kamala would not be down there 24/7, stopping the massive flow of Fentanyl destined to kill our children and criminal cartels with murder on their minds?

Does anyone really think she would have time to jet to Chicago and visit bakeries or Atlanta to do those sincerely heartfelt interviews with CNN? Not a chance. She would be on our southern border front and center, like she was during the Trump Administration, being oh-so-critical of the children condemned to the cages that Obama instituted! Now, according to Ms. Border Czar, they are “holding facilities.” Anyway, President Trump is a racist.

Joey sure tapped the right one to head up that project. She is cool under pressure, with that innocent schoolgirl laughter––more than a dozen people have told me it resembles the neurological condition known as Tourette’s Syndrome.

She also makes quite the fashion statement––those stiletto heels are the talk of the town. Of course the Right calls her grossly incompetent and overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the job and loathe to take on any assignment dictated by Joey’s disastrous Executive Orders. But the Left, predictably, applauds.

I’m just glad that she and Joey were able to patch things up after the Democratic primary––you know, where she strongly insinuated he was a racist  and sexual predator. But that’s just Joey’s style. Let bygones be bygones.

PRIORITIES

Next the right attacked Joey as just a puppet for the socialist-left faction of his party, pointing to the Covid and Infrastructure bills as Democratic “wish lists.” Joey has already pointed out that at least nine percent of the Covid bill and 25 percent of these bills are going towards gender studies. What are these unhinged conservatives yelling about? Don’t they understand that studies about gender, daycare, homecare, climate change, affordable housing, child tax credits, museum restorations, et al, fall under these bills? They even knocked Nancy Pelosi’s underground bullet train project out of the Covid bill. What do these people want?

The right is claiming that our country has become a laughing stock due to this administration. Recently, Joey called Putin a killer during one of his grueling in-depth interviews with George Stephanopoulos. Man that guy is tough, he really held Joey’s feet to the fire with his line of questioning. I just wish they would show Joey some courtesy and ask him some easier questions. You know, the way they treated President Trump.

Well, back to Putin. The word is the Russian leader wanted to race Ole Joe up the stairs or, alternatively, do a live debate with him, but Joey was too busy with his non-stop schedule and heading up the Covid crisis and so had to decline. But Putin better watch his step…he certainly doesn’t want Joey taking him behind the gym and beating the hell out of him!

Of course the right is saying this isn’t the reason at all that Joey declined Putin’s challenges. They point out that due to Joey’s limited cognitive ability, he can only do limited and very- scripted events. They point out that his only press conferences involve him wearing an earpiece that some functionary speaks into, literally dictating what he says, as well as a Teleprompter with hugely enlarged words for him to read. But they didn’t count on him saying, “Salute soldier” when he passed by a uniformed serviceman. And President Trump is a racist!

We even heard Joey saying to himself: “I’m gonna be in a lot of trouble for answering questions.” I mean who does Joey answer to? The right speculates it is “Dr.” Jill, Kamala, Nancy, Chuck, Susan Rice, or even Barack.  Who can forget him saying: “Don’t underestimate Joe’s ability to f**k things up.” Seemed like a strange thing to say about your VP, but he was probably kidding.

A PROBLEM WITH THE TRUTH

The onslaught against this man’s impeccable record never stops with the radical right. Here are just a few bits of their slanderous propaganda, or, as they call it, “Joe’s lies”: Joe said he graduated law school at the top half of his class, and has three undergraduate degrees. The right says he graduated near the bottom of his class and graduated with two degrees, not three. And he was also caught cheating on school exams.

The right––as well as The Washington Post––claims that he plagiarized a paper in his first year of law school. Actually, Joey acknowledged this misdeed, and it was also the reason he had to drop out of the 1988 Presidential campaign. I mean, C’mon man, who hasn’t plagiarized or cheated to get through college and law school?

During the 2019 debate, Joe set the record straight when he said: “We don’t lock people in cages. We didn’t separate families. We didn’t do all those things….they did.”  So, there radical right––take that! No, we better scratch that one too. That picture the media were showing to accuse Trump of caging children were taken in 2014, under Joey and Barack’s administration.

In a 2019 interview, when talking about the Iraq War, Joe said: “From the moment it started, I came out against the war.” Maybe we should skip this one too, as Joey voted wholeheartedly for the resolution to go to war.

Joe said there was no vaccine for Covid until he took office. Surprisingly though, Joey got his shots in December of 2020 and he didn’t take office until January 20, 2021. Hmmm.

Joe’s is outraged about the new Georgia voting laws, which he sees as racist. Referring to them as Jim Crow 2.0 or Jim Eagle 2.0….not too sure what he meant by this last one. He said it was wrong that people could not give out food and drinks while waiting on voting lines and claimed that was discrimination against minorities. That’s why whenever I vote, I stop for a hero or soda and then get in line! It was a problem when The Washington Post gave Joey 4 Pinocchios for blatantly lying about the new voting requirements. But then WAPO said it would suspend fact checking on Joey after his first 100 days. Same as they did for President Trump.

MEDIA MUSH

A vast majority of media outlets––print, TV, radio, Internet––give either none or minuscule coverage to these undeniable facts about Joey. This is a form of ghosting. Of course, another example is the lack of coverage given to Andy Cuomo and the witch hunt conducted of the NY Governor by the radical right.

Over 15,000 senior deaths, delaying the release of said information for months, a cover-up by his staff members, as well as nine or 10 or more accusations of sexual harassment or assault. Obviously these accusations can’t be true, as I haven’t heard a word from the #metoo movement about it in all these months.

But I digress. This neglect by the media is truly a perfect strategy for Joey and Andy alike. These outlets should be proud of the example they are setting for the children of this country and the world, quite frankly. Kudos to them for their unbiased, objective, non-political reporting. This rings especially true for The New York Times and CNN.

In fact, many of these outlets have been praising the efforts of the Harris administration. Well, maybe not the border so much. But like I said earlier, even the border can’t be all that bad since there is hardly any coverage of it. Why feed into this propaganda narrative by the radical right. These right-wing news outlets just scream of hypocrisy and selective reporting. Just sickening.

I would love to write more there is a breaking story coming over the wire. It seems they have identified the second shooter in the Kennedy assassination on the grassy knoll. Unbelievably, it was President Trump. It never ends with this guy.

©Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

THE WOKE ZONE: Protestors Peacefully Burn Down Man’s Business

Unlock a door to a dimension where riots are peaceful and silence is violence. This is The Woke Zone.

In our latest video, enter into the Woke Zone as one man sees a riot on the side of the store — but everyone else just sees a peaceful protest.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.