WORLD—The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID.
“How could this happen? What if SCIENCE dies? We’ll be lost! LOST WITHOUT SCIENCE!” cried Brian Stelter on CNN. “What does this mean? Is Fauci—blessings upon him—merely a human? I don’t know what’s true anymore!” Brian then curled up on the couch to have a good cry and watch A Christmas Kiss 2 on the Hallmark Channel.
Thousands of devoted followers of SCIENCE have gathered around the Fauci residence to call upon the powers of SCIENCE to defeat the COVID infection. Thousands more reported being shocked to hear COVID was still a thing.
Experts theorize that SCIENCE is possibly volunteering to take COVID upon himself for the whole world and are wondering why he didn’t do this two years ago.
Fauci has assured his followers that he only anticipates having COVID for 3 days, after which he will rise again.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The deadly January 6th riots have claimed even more innocent victims, as everyone watching the hearings is dying of boredom.
“Once again we are seeing the tragic human cost of the evil MAGA insurrection on January 6th,” said Adam Schiff as several attendees fell out of their chairs and passed away, unable to watch one more second of the tiresome hearings. “Trump must be held responsible for these untimely deaths.”
“OH, THE HUMANITY!”
Reports indicate that while the death count skyrockets, the injuries associated with January 6th are also rising—with various attendees and viewers at home gouging out their eyes, jumping out of windows, and leaping in front of buses.
Authorities expect the death toll to rise even higher after the House committee members commit seppuku for failing to stop Trump from running in 2024.
Babylon Bee subscriber Todd Koenitz contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-06-15 13:51:282022-06-15 13:58:02Death Toll From Jan. 6 Skyrockets As Hearing Viewers Die Of Boredom
U.S.—Education experts are warning about the detrimental effects of homeschooling, as it may cause children to miss out on their opportunity to be gay communists.
“The two essential roles of public education are to turn kids into communists, and then make them gay,” said AFL-CIO President Randi Weingarten. “If education fails to accomplish both of those things in the life of a child, it has failed miserably.”
Studies show that while homeschooled kids may excel in advanced mathematics, literature, history, Latin, debate, civics, religion, music, art, theoretical physics, and physical fitness, most kids educated by their parents fall woefully short in essential subjects like Communism and being gay.
“We need common-sense regulation of homeschooling to ensure our nation’s kids are sufficiently perverted by gender theory and fully ready for the violent overthrow of the Republic to usher in a glorious communist utopia,” said Weingarten. “No child should be left behind.”
Lawmakers are discussing programs to send drag queens to the homes of homeschoolers but insisted they will have to repeal the 2nd Amendment and take away all the guns first.
To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-06-15 10:05:382022-06-15 10:08:23Study Shows Kids Who Are Homeschooled Could Miss Out On Opportunity To Be A Gay Communist
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation.
The plan will fund licensed therapists and psychiatrists to stand at the ready at gas pumps from New York to California to comfort people mourning the loss of hundreds of dollars every time they fill up their tanks.
“There, there. It’s gonna be OK,” said one grief counselor as a woman filled up her VW at a gas pump in California. “Times like these can be difficult to cope with, but we can survive Putin’s Price Hike if we look deep within ourselves for strength and guidance. Now, let’s try some breathing exercises.”
Another woman in Ohio burst into tears after paying over $3 for gas for the first time in her life.
“Shhh, shhh, it’s OK, honey,” said one therapist, stroking her hair. “You’re going through the stages of grief. Soon, you’ll learn to live with $10 gas. You literally won’t even remember when gas was as cheap as it was during the Trump administration.”
“I know, I know,” the woman replied. “It’s just so hard to accept. I miss… I miss Trump.”
Biden has actually gotten pretty hands-on during this initiative, reporting that he plans to comfort young women at gas pumps himself from time to time “to help chip in.” “It’s the least I can do,” he said before stationing himself at a gas pump and waiting for a cute young girl to pull up.
To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-06-13 14:57:172022-06-13 15:00:20Biden Administration To Provide Grief Counselors At All Gas Pumps
ASHBURN, VA—The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break.
“We try our best to groom all our students to be radical queer activists from preschool, but we understand that some kids fall behind in their grooming process,” said Superintendent Scott Ziegler. “We wanted to offer these fun and exciting summer enrichment programs to help maintain our student’s radicalization and protect them from the influence of transphobic bigoted parents! Because we care!”
Programs being offered this summer include:
-Twerking Workshop for Kids: Beginner to Advanced
-Trans Finance 101: How to raise money for your top surgery without your parents finding out
-Drag Camp: A 4-week camp in which kids learn and grow through unsupervised activities with drag queens
-Gay-bar-hopping night for kindergarteners: What better way to teach tolerance?
The programs are being hailed by trans rights groups, Democrats, and the eldritch creature who lives under the surface of Loudoun County and feasts on the souls of the damned.
At publishing time, all events were canceled for everyone’s safety due to a Matt Walsh sighting.
To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-06-10 12:23:092022-06-10 12:29:24School District Announces Summer Enrichment Program For Kids Who Need Extra Grooming
Some things about Donald Trump are common knowledge. For example, he’s everyone’s favorite President of the United States. Duh! But you may be surprised to find there are many things you still don’t know!
Here are some other awe-inspiring facts about your favorite president:
He said his first word at 6 weeks of age: The word was “tremendous.”
Scientists have determined his ruggedly handsome facial features and body type represent the ideal male form: Confirming what we already knew.
Mensa rejected him for being too smart: It was shattering the confidence of the other geniuses.
His Windsor knot is always geometrically perfect: As confirmed by hyper-sensitive laser measuring devices.
That’s not a gut, it’s just one huge ab: The largest ab, maybe ever.
He has read many, many books: All the books, really. He’s really good at books.
He has already visited Mars: But no one noticed since he’s the same color.
He drinks 32 cups of coffee before bed just to calm down: And 48 Diet Cokes to wake up in the morning.
God once allowed Trump to shield himself behind a rock as God’s glory passed by, but Trump went ahead and stared directly at it and it didn’t even hurt him: But it did leave his countenance permanently orange.
When Kim Jong-Un played his round of golf at 38 under par, Trump played with him and beat him by 12 strokes: He is the greatest golfer who ever lived.
His limo has a Taco Bell inside it: And a Pizza Hut.
Gordon Ramsey once referred to Trump’s way of eating steak (well done with ketchup) as “bloody delicious, spot on.”: And don’t get Ramsey started on the delicious Trump Tower Taco Bowl!
Every night when he goes to bed, he says a little prayer for you: He truly cares.
A childhood accident made him unable to tell a lie: Rumors say a rock fell on the part of his head that controls lying.
The Vatican is currently discussing granting Trump sainthood as the patron saint of winning: It’s about time.
His humility knows no bounds: An example to us all.
He might be your dad: Unless your Mom is Rosie O’Donnell.
Mattel Introduces Pregnant Ken Doll
To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-06-08 13:06:542022-06-08 13:10:56Awe-Inspiring Facts You May Not Know About Trump
ATLANTA, GA—Citing an objective poll of everyday Americans who work as CNN executives or Democrat tacticians, CNN has announced a strategic rebranding to JAN6NN, citing the vital significance of what occurred on that fateful day in 2021.
Following the rebrand to JAN6NN, all news coverage will focus solely on Jan 6, 2021, meaning no real change will occur.
“We feel this strategic rebrand better matches our company mission to be the most trusted name in news that helps the Democratic National Committee,” said JAN6NN brand advocate, Billstrom Spleeny, “Also, 516 days have passed since we ceased reporting on news unrelated to January 6, 2021, so…”
Media strategists praised JAN6NN’s rebrand as the most brilliant corporate news decision since the announcement of CNN+, and predicted JAN6NN would quickly double viewerships to 348 viewers.
At publishing time, Fox News announced its own strategic rebrand to “DeSantis News.”
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
Are you a woman? It’s hard to tell these days. Watch our well-researched video to find out whether you are indeed a woman.
What Is a Man? | A Babylon Bee Documentary
What makes a man? Do you even know? Over the course of this documentary, we explore this age-old question. Buckle up and get ready to learn.
It can be hard to know what gender you are. So many choices! But The Babylon Bee has come up with an easy way to determine which one you are with this handy quiz:
Not happy with your results? Refresh the page or click here to try to get a different gender!
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-06-05 13:41:192022-06-05 13:42:04What Gender Are You? Take The Quiz!
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable.
“Listen, folks, this shouldn’t be difficult,” said the yammering old geriatric to a duck in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “The mentally unstable shouldn’t have guns! It’s dangerous! Think of what could happen, Jack! They could fire it blindly through their front door because they heard a noise, or leave it right out in the open where a Taliban terrorist could pick it up, or accidentally kill innocent people they thought were bad guys but turned out to be foreign aid workers!” The man then dove face-first into the pool because he thought he saw an ice cream cone there.
Many Democrats are warning of chaos and death if mentally unstable people such as themselves ever get their hands on a firearm. “It would be a disaster,” said one Democratic strategist. “Think of putting weapons in the hands of people who can’t even define what a ‘woman’ is! I shudder at the thought! Please disarm us immediately!”
“It’s real simple,” said the old man as he climbed out of the Reflecting Pool, disappointed to not have found any ice cream. “Guns, tanks, drones, nukes—all that stuff—we gotta take those away from people who aren’t mentally fit!”
At publishing time, the man was on the run after taking an ice cream cone he mistook for a handgun out of the hands of a tourist.
Are you a woman? It’s hard to tell these days. Watch our well-researched video to find out whether you are indeed a woman.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-06-04 12:54:142022-06-04 12:57:15‘Guns Should Not Be In The Hands Of The Mentally Unstable,’ Says Senile Man With Nukes
Monkeypox is here! EVERYONE PANIC! You thought COVID wasn’t a big deal? Well, get ready to spend every waking moment of your life in constant terror for fear that the next person you run into might have a rare disease with a low transmission rate.
Think you might have it? Diagnose yourself by consulting these symptoms:
1) A mild headache: Run for your life! YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD!
2) You’ve been to England in the last six months: You might also be British, which is another problem altogether.
3) Italian plumbers make you FURIOUS: Throwing all those barrels is making you super buff, though.
4) You pick a bug out of your wife’s hair and eat it: Helpful but gross. Don’t do that.
5) You become confused and angry every time you see a monolith: WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
6) All of your pants are at the tailor to have a hole added for your tail: If you haven’t figured it out by now—you’re a monkey. Sad.
7) You just got back from a tour of Dr. Fauci’s Wuhan Monkeypox Lab: Duct tape is not a valid tool for air sealing a room against viral infection.
8) A tiny monkey bursts out of your chest: If you had the vaccine, the monkey would have exploded out of your body but in a slightly more mild way.
9) You insist that selectively bred bananas are evidence of creation: An atheist’s nightmare! Mic drop!
10) Zero symptoms: Better quarantine just to be safe.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what your symptoms are, if you die, you’ll be recorded as a monkeypox statistic.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-05-24 14:58:192022-05-24 15:00:32Think You Have Monkeypox? Watch For These Ten Strange Symptoms
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Monkeypox pandemic has finally breached the shores of the United States, with the CDC confirming a staggering 1 infections so far. In response, America’s favorite, most trusted doctor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, issued a statement recommending people stop the spread of Monkeypox by covering their eyes, ears, and mouth.
Fauci accepted 137 TV interviews and a book deal after issuing the guidelines essentially recommending people look the other way rather than investigate the source of this new outbreak.
“As I, the Science, have always said, lockdowns don’t work. What really works is turning a blind eye to where this outbreak nonsense may or may not have leaked from,” said Dr. Fauci to a fawning NBC news anchor trying to get his autograph. “And I’d like to add that there is no evidence the Monkeypox outbreak is connected to the NIH-funded Institute of Monkeypox Studies next door to patient zero.”
Not all health professionals agree with Dr. Fauci’s health order. Dr. Corry Larreia, a world-renowned monkey virologist and respected expert in finding the source of Monkeypox outbreaks, said Dr. Fauci was wrong and the outbreak should be investigated in full.
At publishing time, Dr. Larreia had been disbarred, lost his virology license along with his official stethoscope, was banned from his local book club, snubbed by Apple’s Siri, and lost both of his hands in a tragic wood chipper accident.
\In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.
NEW YORK, NY—On Friday evening, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her new fiance finally went on the double date they had been trying to coordinate with Ilhan Omar and her brother for weeks.
“This is a blast — let’s not wait so long next time!” AOC gushed to her Democratic colleague over a famous NY slice at Louie & Ernie’s Pizza. Sources confirm that AOC and Ilhan recounted how many times they had rescheduled due to conflicts, like when AOC got a bucket stuck on her head, or when Ilhan Omar’s damage control for seemingly anti-Semitic comments included brushing them off as “Islamophobia.” Ilhan Omar’s brother chimed in, saying he was thankful for the opportunity to support his wife, Ilhan Omar, even in her darkest times.
Over the evening, they laughed and laughed. AOC’s fiance, wearing his signature sandals, wiggled his toes with delight when AOC recounted all the times she died on January 6th and Ted Cruz tried to date her, and Ilhan Omar’s brother chuckled about that classic time his wife, Ilhan Omar, compared Israel with Hamas and the Taliban.
The conversation turned serious as AOC caught her breath and sobbed recounting when the pelt-and-horn hat guy killed her on January 6, but her fiance gently rubbed her shoulders. When Ilhan Omar got choked up over the mean response to her statement that U.S. support for the Jews was “all about the Benjamins,” Ilhan Omar’s brother comforted her with gentle caresses as well.
At publishing time, the couples had busted out Catan but were forced to stop when Omar and Ocasio-Cortez went into a rant about the implied colonialist values the game perpetuates.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-05-23 15:44:552022-05-23 15:46:37Besties! AOC And New Fiancé Go On Double Date With Ilhan Omar And Her Brother
The US dollar is losing value as a result of burgeoning Biden-flation. Before we all end up homeless, let’s take some time to reflect on some things that are more valuable than the money in your bank account. Maybe you can barter for some of these killer items before it’s too late!
Here are ten fanciful items worth more than the US dollar:
1) Your beanie baby collection: It’s been sitting in a box for the last twenty years. Now’s the time to cash in!
2) Bitcoin: Oh wait—never mind.
3) An NFT of a picture of a dollar: Currently worth $343 billion dollars.
4) Dating advice from your dad: UGHhhh Dad STOOOOP!
5) The word of a Spaniard: We’ve known too many Spaniards.
6) Schrute Bucks: Now worth 10,000 dollars, 12 unicorns, or 3 leprechauns. NICE!
7) String of Chuck E. Cheese tickets from the skeeball game: They can earn you a stuffed Pikachu.
8) Brian Stelter’s sources: Not as reliable as we thought, but surprisingly still worth slightly more than a dollar.
9) Chris Wallace autographed CNN+ poster: We had such high hopes…
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-05-18 08:39:212022-05-18 08:41:2810 Things More Valuable Than The U.S. Dollar
ANTIOCH, IL—Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone. According to legend, the AR-15 rifle had been placed in the stone by Rittenhouse himself where it could lay dormant until a hero worthy of ruling America could pry it from its slumber.
A plaque at the base of the stone reads, “Whoso pulleth out the rifle from this stone, is right wise Ultra-MAGA King born of all America.”
According to sources, politicians and celebrities from all over the country have ventured to Antioch to try and pull the rifle from the stone, but even the strongest and mightiest have failed. When Trump arrived early Friday morning he discovered a weary Dwayne Johnson who had been unable to retrieve the rifle.
“No one can move the gun,” witnesses heard Johnson say. “Maybe no one is meant to rule.”
Trump valiantly said, “Stand aside, Rock. You’re a great wrestler, maybe the best ever, but how you treated Vin Diesel was terrible. Disgraceful, really. You don’t care about family.”
The former president then pulled the rifle from the stone as if it weighed nothing at all, and held it aloft in the golden beauty of the morning sun.
“The rifle chose me,” said the rightful MAGA King. “It was rigged against me from the beginning and I still moved it, if you can believe it. Sleepy Joe never pulled a rifle from a stone, okay, I can tell you that.”
Political pundits have disputed whether a rifle pulled from a stone constitutes a divine right to rule in a democratic republic, but Trump called them fake news and compelled them to bend the knee to his might.
After a brief crowning ceremony, MAGA King Trump called in vassals from several red states and sacked Washington, DC. The district was reduced to ash and the swamp was drained once and for all.
“Sleepy Joe is in exile,” said MAGA King Trump. “We’re not letting him back in. We’re going to build a wall higher than ever before, straight to the firmament, if you can believe it. He’ll never get back in. What a loser.”
At publishing time, the once and future MAGA King has begun construction of a solid gold castle in Palm Beach, Florida from which he can rule all of MAGADOM. He has the best architects on the job. Tremendous architects, really. Maybe the best ever.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-05-16 13:11:552022-05-16 13:15:22Trump Crowned MAGA King After Pulling Rittenhouse’s AR-15 From Stone
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden tried to warn us. He’s been sounding the alarm for weeks now, desperately trying to alert the nation to a grave threat to our national security: ULTRA MAGA. But no one took him seriously, figuring he was just off his meds again. But no—he was actually speaking clearly for the first time in his life.
For lo, a danger to all humanity has appeared above the D.C. skyline: ULTRA MAGA MAN, the final form of dangerous former president, insurrectionist, and taco bowl enthusiast Donald Trump. Having finally absorbed the powers of his defeated haters and all the “sad, pathetic losers” he’s roasted over the years, Trump morphed into the most powerful version of himself yet.
“His powers, they’re—they’re off the charts!” shouted one scientist operating an energy detection device in the streets below. “We’ve never seen power of this magnitude! We’re all going to die! Run for your lives!”
“YES! YEEEEEEES!!!” cackled Trump as his ULTRA MAGA suit grew and rearranged itself into its ultra form, usually reserved only for the most epic of foes. “Phenomenal, tremendous powers! The best powers, really. Everyone says so!”
Analysts say the Ultra Maga form of Trump may be completely invulnerable. Powers include the ability to trash his foes, remain as president forever, and stare directly into the sun without his eyesight being harmed. Ultra Maga Man can continue growing in power, too, as he absorbs the power of anyone he kills or dunks on via the internet.
Trump then laid out his plans for world domination, but unfortunately, no one saw them because they were posted to Truth Social.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-05-14 15:00:202022-05-14 15:02:22After Absorbing All His Haters’ Powers, Trump Evolves Into Ultra MAGA Man
