Waiting Period Mandated For Nerf Gun Purchases

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Taking on a previously unregulated weapon, the federal government has instituted a five-day waiting period for all Nerf guns. “We decided it was time to act when we noticed how large the ammo is,” explained bureaucrat Joseph Clarkson. “The darts it fires are far larger than the average bullet, which must mean it’s a far deadlier weapon… as far as we understand things or care to understand things.”

Nerf guns use air to fire foam darts at velocities so high that, if used improperly, they could “really, really irritate someone.” Kids will often purchase Nerf guns when the urge to have fun suddenly overtakes them, but regulators hope this new waiting period will give them time to “cool-off” and “maybe decide to read a book or something instead.” In addition, the purchaser will undergo a background check to make sure he is not the sort of kid who would use the Nerf gun to “shoot a cat in the face.”

The waiting period has been a bit of a shock for last-minute shoppers. “Aw man… Come on!” commented Bradley Nelson, hoping to buy a Nerf gun for his son in time for Christmas. He instead bought his son “yet more Legos I hope I don’t step on.”


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Dems To Congratulate Each Other On Meaningless Impeachment Vote With ‘I Voted To Impeach Trump’ Stickers

WASHINGTON, D.C.—House Democrats were feeling bad about the fact that impeachment isn’t going to accomplish anything, since the Senate will definitely acquit Donald Trump.

But then Nancy Pelosi got an idea: passing out “I Voted to Impeach Trump” stickers to every Democrat who votes for impeachment.

“It’s a kind of participation trophy, I guess,” she said at a press conference. “It’s not actually removing Trump from office that counts, but it’s the friends we made along the way. Friends like — well, like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Rashida Tlaib, and Ilhan Omar, and that other one. All great, great friends. So great.”

The stickers have no ramifications whatsoever on Trump or the government, but they make Dems feel good, sort of like the actual impeachment vote.

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Articles Of Impeachment Updated To Read ‘Orange Man Bad’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The two articles of impeachment leveled against President Trump were originally announced to be abuse of power and obstruction of Congress.

These didn’t poll very well, however, so Democrats went back to the drawing board to come up with something that might play well with their base of radicals. Nancy Pelosi announced Monday that the articles of impeachment will now just read, “ORANGE MAN BAD” in giant letters.

“It’s clear, to the point, and honest,” said Pelosi. “We congresspeople aren’t very used to honesty, so we’ll see how this goes. But hopefully, people will see the crime of Trump being a bad orange man definitely rises to the level of high crimes and misdemeanors.”

Pelosi admitted the first two articles they introduced were drummed-up charges and that this one’s “the real deal.”

Trump fired back, pointing out that being a bad orange man isn’t an impeachable offense. “Show me where in the Constitution it says you can’t be a brave man of color and also do bad stuff. It’s not there. You can’t do it. The do-nothing Democrats are EMPTY-HANDED! SAD!”

“ORANGE MAN GOOD! ORANGE MAN GOOD!” he chanted, trying to get his aides to chant along, but they only did so half-heartedly.


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MORE SATIRE:

Popular Christmas Song ‘Mary, Did You Know?’ Criticized For Mansplaining

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Obama Under Fire For Suggesting There Are Only Two Genders

Trump Announces America+

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VIDEO: I Want A New Drudge (People’s Karaoke)

I want a new Drudge
One that ain’t losing clicks
One that wont make me gnash my teeth
Or cater to … old peaceniks
I want a new Drudge
One that wont be misled
One that wont be all filled with lies
And make my eyes see red

One that’ll be impervious
To Deep State point of view
One that makes me feel like
I’m dealing with real news
And I’m disowning you

I want a new Drudge
One that wont bail
One that wont .. push WaPo
Or the Daily Mail
I want a new Drudge
One that wont go astray
One that wont link to New York times
One that wont bash Trump all day

One that wont disservice
The right wing point of view
One that makes me feel
Like its not part of a coup

Cause I bemoan the coup
And you will own the coup, Matt babe

I want a new Drudge
One that wont veer left
One that wont make feel betrayed
One that wont make me feel bereft
I want a new Drudge
One that wont sell out
One that wont crawl for Google bucks
Or do Deep STATE fake out

One that wont desert us
Drown us in fake news
One that makes me feel like
It differs from Yahoo

I’ve out grown Yahoo
I’ve out grown you too, yeah

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by Callmelennie on The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

Greta Sails To Hong Kong To Lecture Protesters On Their Carbon Footprint

HONG KONG—Many have criticized climate activist Greta Thunberg for lecturing Western countries on their inaction on climate change when most of the pollution comes from developing countries like China and India. Well, Greta has finally gone to Hong Kong to address what she believes to be a major source of carbon emissions: the Hong Kong protesters.

“How dare you burn things as part of these protests when our planet is in crisis!” she said in her scathing rebuke of the pro-democracy protesters. “Every time you throw a gasoline bomb at the totalitarian police officers, you rob a little more of my childhood from me.”

Beijing thanked Thunberg for her “important work” in identifying the real root of the problem: democracy. “Thunberg is an example of true Person of the Year material, using her platform to call out the villains who would disrupt our safe, efficient, government,” Beijing wrote in a statement.

Time Magazine quickly gave the Hong Kong protesters “Villain of the Year” awards for not using green protest methods.

Thunberg also condemned the protesters’ use of tear gas when there are carbon-neutral options like throwing rocks or using pointy sticks.

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Dems Vow To Learn From Labour Party’s Mistake Of Not Going Far Enough Left

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats stateside were watching closely as UK election results came in Thursday. They wanted to see how the Labour Party did so they could learn from any mistakes they made.

Well, sure enough, Labour endured a brutal massacre, losing seats they didn’t even know they had. So, Democrats vowed to learn from their obvious mistake of not going far enough to the left.

“It’s clear that Labour lost because they weren’t radical enough,” said Rep. Ocasio-Cortez, who had seemingly endorsed Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party. “We’re not going to repeat their mistake. We need to appeal to the common American by pushing policies that would be at home in Soviet Russia.”

Rep. Rashida Tlaib said in a statement, “People didn’t turn up to the polls across the pond because Corbyn and his brave freedom fighters were too conservative. Labour really should have gone off the deep end, like we’re doing with the Democratic Party.”

“Also, they could have used a little more anti-semitism.”

Nancy Pelosi agreed with the far-left wing of her party, though it was unclear if she really saw eye to eye with them or was just frightened for her life.


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Santa Claus Accused Of Quid Pro Quo For Giving Children Gifts In Exchange For Good Behavior

U.S.—Legislators have begun to hold hearings on impeaching Santa Claus after an overheard conversation seemed to imply he was offering a quid pro quo: gifts in exchange for good behavior.

FBI agents spied on Claus at various malls as he repeatedly said things like, “Sure, I’ll get you a pony. But first, I need you to do something for me… be a good little boy!” The FBI was able to obtain a FISA warrant to spy on Claus, because it’s easier to get a FISA warrant than to get a Costco membership.

“Ho ho noooooo!” Santa Claus cried as investigators leaped out and cuffed him at a Dayton, OH mall. “Not good! Sad!”

“It was a perfect conversation,” Claus said, defending himself in a series of fiery tweets. “Absolutely perfect. I was simply talking to little Billy and asked him to keep tabs on his sister, Sally, who has been involved in some corruption. Who doesn’t want to stop corruption? Did I offer Billy a new Nintendo Switch in exchange for his good behavior? Possibly. Am I planning on giving Sally coal because she’s a little punk? Maybe. Where’s my lawyer?”

Unfortunately, he was assigned a public defender, who turned out to be Rudy Giuliani.

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Ninth Circuit Court Rules Border Wall Must Be ‘Short Enough That A Pregnant Woman Carrying A Child In Each Arm Could Be Expected To Scale It Without Difficulty’

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Amid heated debate in Washington over President Trump’s border wall, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has weighed in, ruling that construction on the U.S.-Mexico border wall can proceed, so long as it is “short enough that a pregnant woman carrying a child in each arm could be expected to scale it without difficulty.”

While that definition may seem vague to some, the Ninth Circuit’s judges further clarified in their decision that “two or three feet high ought to suffice.” Contractors working on the wall have been ordered to have a pregnant woman and several children on hand. Each family will be asked to stress-test climbing over the wall every ten feet to ensure all portions of the barrier are equally easy to scale. Should the sample woman have to exert herself too much, construction workers will have to lower that part of the wall.

“We are in full support of President Trump’s right to secure our nation’s borders, so long as his actions do not cause undue burden on those trying to get into our country illegally,” the court wrote in its decision.

The Court further assured Americans that its decision is in keeping with the Constitution, claiming that they googled “What is the Constitution?” and “Constitutional Law for Dummies” several times during deliberations.

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Trump’s Popularity Surges After Nation Learns He May Have Obstructed Congress

U.S.—Democrats unveiled their articles of impeachment against President Trump, but one of the charges seems to have backfired. The suggestion that Trump obstructed Congress turned out to be a far more popular idea than Democrats had predicted.

As soon as it was revealed that Trump may have slowed the legislative branch from getting any work done, Americans praised Trump for his patriotic service. Trump’s popularity saw a huge spike in national polls, putting him in the 80% approval range for the first time ever. Support was bipartisan, as Republicans were happy he was stopping the House and Democrats were happy that he was stopping the Senate. Libertarians were smoking weed and didn’t seem to understand the question.

“Any president who stops Congress from doing their jobs is a hero in my book,” said one voter in Ohio. “I wasn’t sure I supported Trump at first, but when the Dems accused him of hindering Congress, I boarded the Trump train immediately.”

“ALL ABOARD! CHOO CHOO! MAGA!” he yelled, donning his brand-new MAGA hat.

At publishing time, Trump was looking for ways to obstruct both the judicial and executive branches, further increasing his popularity.

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Poll Finds Most People Would Rather Be Annihilated By Giant Tidal Wave Than Continue To Be Lectured By Climate Change Activists

U.S.—A new study found that most people would rather be annihilated by a giant tidal wave caused by climate change than continue to be lectured by climate change activists.

Study participants were given the option of having the earth flooded by massive tidal waves or listening to virtue-signaling, smarmy lectures by environmentalists for the next decade. Over 87% of respondents selected, “Bring on the tidal wave.” A few people said they’d rather take the lectures, but after hearing a few minutes of the lectures, quickly changed their minds. Several respondents rushed straight to the ocean, arms outstretched, and asked the sea to take us all.

“Come, sweet death,” one man scrawled on the survey response form after hearing just 30 seconds of a Greta Thunberg lecture. “O, sweet release that ends my suffering on this mortal plane! Embrace me in your salty arms, great wave of destiny.”

“Honestly, between Greta and the climate change, I’ll take the climate change,” said one man in Minnesota. “Heck, it’s Minnesota, don’t ya know. We could use a little warming. But even if it turns out to be catastrophic — I’ll take the tidal wave.”

Fires, floods, earthquakes, volcanoes, and bees also polled higher than the activists.

MORE SATIRE:

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House Dems Unveil Surefire Plan To Get Trump Reelected

WASHINGTON, D.C.—House Democrats today announced a new plan to ensure Trump wins the White House again in 2020.

“We hereby unveil these articles of impeachment, which clearly lay out the undeniable fact that we will not win the White House back next year,” said Rep. Jerry Nadler. “We have found Trump guilty of absolutely nothing, but we already started this whole process and it would look bad to back out now, so here we are.”

“I declare here and now that Trump will be in the White House for at least another four years.”

Some questioned if this was the best strategy, but Democrats pointed out that with four more years of Trump, they will be able to generate far more outrage than if they took back the White House. “It’s a lot more fun to be extremists and scream at the sky for years and years instead of proposing policies that most Americans support and actually win elections.”

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Trump Demands Federal Investigation Into How ‘The Last Jedi’ Got A 91% On Rotten Tomatoes


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‘Guardians 3’ To Feature Most Sinister Villain Yet: Single-Use Plastic Bottles

BURBANK, CA—Marvel has confirmed that the villain in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 will be the deadliest, toughest foe Star-Lord and the gang have had to face yet: single-use plastic water bottles.

The Guardians of the Galaxy will travel from planet to planet while destroying plastic made with harmful fossil fuels and destined for landfills.

“The Guardians are facing the galaxy’s deadliest threat yet: disposable plastic,” said producer Kevin Feige. “Much scarier than Ronan, Thanos, or even Kurt Russell.” Feige says the band of unlikely friends will band together to overcome the pollution and will discover that the real recycling is the friends they made along the way.

The decision was made in the wake of Pratt’s latest Hollywood sin, drinking out of a single-use plastic bottle. He apologized for the iniquity, but Disney didn’t feel he was sincere enough. So, producers decided that Pratt could atone for his failure by starring in the green, pro-environmental action flick in 2022.

At the conclusion of the film, Star-Lord will spend 15 minutes lecturing the audience on the need to drink out of reusable bottles and bring multi-use bags to the grocery store every time. “Saving the galaxy is up to all of us,” he says in a post-credits scene, according to one source. “Remember — the power is yours!”

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 4 will focus on plastic straws.

RELATED SATIRE: World’s High School Dropouts Reveal They’ve Actually Been Protesting Climate Change This Whole Time


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‘Rise Of Skywalker’ To Introduce First Lesbian AT-AT

HOLLYWOOD, CA—During a recent interview with Out And Proud MagazineRise of Skywalker director J.J. Abrams hinted that the hotly-anticipated 9th installment of the Star Wars saga would include more clear LGBTQ representation, in the form of a lesbian AT-AT.

“Star Wars has always been about representing diversity.” Abrams said, “Whether it was giving all the white characters medals at the end of A New Hope, or the hilariously accurate Jewish and Caribbean stereotypes in The Phantom Menace, it’s important that everyone has a character they can relate to!”

Abrams went on to say that he is thrilled that Rise of Skywalker will continue this trend of inclusivity by giving audiences a lesbian armored vehicle with which they can identify. “We’re going to get to see this All Terrain Armored Transport explore her sexual identity, and follow the struggle she goes through, being the only gay Imperial walker in the known galaxy.”

Abrams further explained that the AT-AT’s character would be illuminated through conversations with Rey, who speaks fluent Imperial Walker. Because of course, she does.

“We believe that introducing a progressive agenda to the Star Wars films is a great way to subvert expectations,” Abrams concluded, “and that’s always a good thing!”

At publishing time, the film’s production crew was hastily adding an AT-AT walker for every sexual orientation into the film in post.

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House Hears Testimony From Renowned, Unbiased Legal Scholar Hillga Clintonheimer

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to prove that impeachment is constitutionally sound and definitely not a politically motivated circus performance, Rep. Jerrold Nadler called on his final witness of the day: renowned legal scholar Hillga Clintonheimer.

Dr. Clintonheimer teaches at Lund University in Sweden. The legal scholar was flown out by the Judiciary Committee to give her expert testimony this morning as impeachment hearings resumed.

“This Donald Trump of yours, yah, he is very corrupt, yah, and you should impeach him, yah?” she began, drawing applause from the Democrats on the panel. “He is, how you Americans say, very bad man, ya?”

“I think we’ve heard enough. It’s clear from the testimony of this legal expert that we should impeach. All in favor?” Nadler said. But just then, Clintonheimer stood up to go, and her vaguely European-looking scarf fell from her head, revealing that the woman was actually Hillary Clinton in disguise.

“You’ll never take me alive!” she cried, pulling a revolver from her purse and pointing it frantically out of the room as she backed away slowly. She broke into a run and dove into a waiting SUV, which narrowly escaped congressional security staff.

Clinton previously found herself in hot water after posing as White House janitor Hillarita Clintonez.

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Kamala Harris Demoted To Meter Maid After Failed Campaign

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Kamala Harris, the nation’s most famous cop, has been demoted to meter maid in reaction to her failed presidential campaign.

As soon as she dropped out of the presidential race, she was called into the office of her police chief. “I’m going to need your gun and badge,” her chief said before handing her the smaller gun and lesser badge of a meter maid.

“But how am I supposed to bust the real scumbags out there?” Harris was heard arguing. “Like the mothers who let their kids be truant and people who smoke marijuana? Someone needs to be out there arresting those people, putting them in prison, and throwing away the key!”

“You should have thought of that before you embarrassed us,” said her chief. “You got kicked around by Tulsi Gabbard! And you call yourself a cop!”

Harris is said to now be cheering herself up the only way she knows how: abusing her power — though currently, that’s limited to aggressively handing out parking tickets.


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RELATED SATIRE:

Kamala Harris Fulfills Campaign Promise To Improve America By Dropping Out Of Race

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.