ANTIOCH, IL—Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone. According to legend, the AR-15 rifle had been placed in the stone by Rittenhouse himself where it could lay dormant until a hero worthy of ruling America could pry it from its slumber.

A plaque at the base of the stone reads, “Whoso pulleth out the rifle from this stone, is right wise Ultra-MAGA King born of all America.”

According to sources, politicians and celebrities from all over the country have ventured to Antioch to try and pull the rifle from the stone, but even the strongest and mightiest have failed. When Trump arrived early Friday morning he discovered a weary Dwayne Johnson who had been unable to retrieve the rifle.

“No one can move the gun,” witnesses heard Johnson say. “Maybe no one is meant to rule.”

Trump valiantly said, “Stand aside, Rock. You’re a great wrestler, maybe the best ever, but how you treated Vin Diesel was terrible. Disgraceful, really. You don’t care about family.”

The former president then pulled the rifle from the stone as if it weighed nothing at all, and held it aloft in the golden beauty of the morning sun.

“The rifle chose me,” said the rightful MAGA King. “It was rigged against me from the beginning and I still moved it, if you can believe it. Sleepy Joe never pulled a rifle from a stone, okay, I can tell you that.”

Political pundits have disputed whether a rifle pulled from a stone constitutes a divine right to rule in a democratic republic, but Trump called them fake news and compelled them to bend the knee to his might.

After a brief crowning ceremony, MAGA King Trump called in vassals from several red states and sacked Washington, DC. The district was reduced to ash and the swamp was drained once and for all.

“Sleepy Joe is in exile,” said MAGA King Trump. “We’re not letting him back in. We’re going to build a wall higher than ever before, straight to the firmament, if you can believe it. He’ll never get back in. What a loser.”

At publishing time, the once and future MAGA King has begun construction of a solid gold castle in Palm Beach, Florida from which he can rule all of MAGADOM. He has the best architects on the job. Tremendous architects, really. Maybe the best ever.

The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

MOSCOW—Spirits were high in the Ministry of Defense after Russian military leaders learned that the United States would soon be sending $40 billion in supplies to Ukraine, which would then be almost assuredly lost or abandoned like a Trapper Keeper full of middle school history notes.

Generals high-fived and celebrated while speaking English with comically exaggerated Russian accents. “Dees stuff eez good as ours!” whooped Russian Army General Anatoly Gogol. “De Amerikanskis don’t even care. Dey lose more equipment in one week than I’ff seen in my whole career. Iz—like how you say—jackpot!”

Most considered the US largess as a tremendous boon to the woefully underequipped Russian war effort, and many references were made to last year’s goat-rodeo-style retreat from Afghanistan by American forces.

General Arkady Ourumov gathered with fellow commanders to discuss their wish lists. “I hope dey leaf some of those Apache helicopters like dey did in Kabul! Dey are de coolest! I weel learn to fly one and den say, ‘Who ees big boss man now!’ to my ex-wife who left me for styupid oligarch and his five-story yacht, dat I hate so much! Ptui!”

Said forward commander General Valentin Zhukovsky, “My troops dey need de—how you say—bullets. Because now, dey only haf steeks to throw at Ukrainians. Steeks no good; not even pointy.”

Pentagon spokesperson Carl Pell responded to Russian enthusiasm by saying, “The US has no intention of abandoning the $100 billion, I mean $40 billion, of equipment for the Ukrainian military. And when I said $100 billion earlier that was purely an accident and certainly not an indication that we plan to ask for an additional $60 billion after we lose this $40 billion. Next question?”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

NEW YORK, NY—After feminists around the country vowed to stop having sex, men across the nation have remained blissfully unaware anything has changed.

“Huh? Who stopped having sex?” responded every man told of the development. “Wow, I had no idea. Good for them, I guess?”

The so-called ‘sex strike’ had been launched by leftist women in response to the potential overturning of Roe v. Wade. “The right is trying to create this dystopian world where sex has some connection to pregnancy and babies,” explained pro-abortion protester Lona Malachi. “Pregnancy is basically making a woman your slave, just like in The Handmaid’s Tale. So as long as sex has anything to do with babies, we simply won’t have it!” she exclaimed, before attempting to inhale air without taking in oxygen.

Despite the clarion call for an end to sex from female media personalities and politicians, surveys have shown that absolutely zero men have been affected. “Our research indicates the strike has not hit the intended target,” said sociology professor Sharon Young. “The nation’s cats, however, have reported a general increase in angry yelling by their owners.”

At publishing time, liberals were calling for a hunger strike until it becomes legal for doctors to suck food out of your stomach so eating doesn’t risk leading to digestion.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republishing with permission. ©All rights reserved.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The official DHS Disinformation Governance Board, more popularly known as the Ministry of Truth, confirmed today their latest disinformation findings: Rachel Levine is a woman.

The declaration occurred at a press conference held this morning at the Ministry’s gigantic, pyramid-shaped, 1000-foot-tall building that towers over Washington.

“There’s a lot of disinformation going around out there, with people pointing out Rachel Levine’s low voice register, prominent Adam’s apple, and propensity to not ask for help at Home Depot,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas standing at a towering lectern in front of a banner reading “War Is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Rachel Levine Is A Woman.”

“These are all hallmarks of classic Russian disinformation campaigns designed to destabilize our society and help Putin beat us.”

Other pieces of disinformation going around, according to Mayorkas, include the idea that Disney is grooming kids, the claim that inflation is happening, the far-right misinformation campaign painting Joe Biden as a senile, incompetent old boob, the claim that a triangle is a three-sided figure, and the “horribly offensive notion that the grass is green.”

“If you see anyone sharing these ideas, report them immediately.”

At publishing time, Mayorkas had confirmed that anyone who shares the disinformation that Rachel Levine is a man will be called into the Ministry of Love for questioning.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In its first official act, the new DHS Government Disinformation Board ruled today that all criticism of the Government Disinformation Board is disinformation. This comes in response to sharp criticism from conservatives, which they say is untrue and unwarranted.

“The new board has barely begun its work and already many have jumped to the entirely unwarranted conclusion that it will be used to quash free speech,” said DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. “This could not be further from the truth, as everyone in this country has the right to say how much they support and agree with the Biden administration. It is only that speech that we disagree with which will be labeled as disinformation.  This follows the well-established practice of media fact-checkers and social media content moderators.”

The ruling further found as “substantially dishonest, false and untrue” all allegations that the work of the board would in any way resemble that of “The Ministry of Truth” from George Orwell’s 1984. The Board stated: “There is no possible way that we could have been inspired by George Orwell’s 1984 since none of us have read that book or even know who this Orwell person is.”

Nina Jankowicz, President of the Board, concluded the ruling by singing a song to the tune of “Supercalifragilistic” from Mary Poppins. The lyrics, in part, were: “People think our lovely board is somehow quite atrocious, we conclude they suffer from a terrible psychosis, so we will come down on them in ways that are ferocious, please excuse my singing as I’ve got bad halitosis.”

At publishing time, Ms. Jankowicz was still working on choreography to accompany her song, along with a big closing number, “A Spoon Full of Coercion Helps the Propaganda Go Down.”

Babylon Bee subscriber Joseph Nelson contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

ATLANTA, GA—Despite the lifting of mask mandates across the United States, Democrats have chosen to continue their proud tradition of wearing white masks to show their political affiliation.

“Mandate or not, I’m still wearing a mask to show others what side of the political aisle I am on,” said liberal democrat Snoddly McGuberson while proudly donning a white mask over his face. “Just like dear old Gramps, assistant Klaliff to the Supreme Grand Wizard back in the good old days.”

Thousands of Democrats have posted screeching manifestos on social media, defiantly donning white cloths over their faces to symbolize their desire for overwhelming government power to enforce a perfect society based upon cult-like zealotry, just like white-hooded Democrats of the past.

“It just feels right, you know? Masking up and attacking people of differing beliefs from behind a shroud of anonymity,” said McGuberson, “My democrat grandpa would be so proud.”

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

CNN+ will be shutting down on April 30, just a month after its rocky start. Truly, its candle burned out long before its legend ever will.

Take a gander at these eighteen things that lasted longer than CNN+:

1) A gallon of milk

2) Kamala Harris’s presidential campaign

3) Two weeks to stop the spread

4) Firefly

5) Housefly

6) Brief, transitory inflation

7) Seattle’s CHAZ

8) The ending of Return of the King

9) Your wife’s multi-level marketing business

10) Colin Kaepernick’s enslavement in the NFL

11) Your New Year’s resolution to get in shape

12) Your New Year’s resolution to read your Bible

13) Free AOL trial CD with 1000 hours of internet

14) The COVID vaccine’s effectiveness

15) Zune

16) Google+

17) James Cameron’s Avatar‘s cultural impact

18) The Babylon Bee’s Twitter suspension

Wow! It seems like just yesterday CNN Plus was born, and now she’s already gone. Like a leaf on the wind. Babylon Bee subscriber Jamin D contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.