Political Satire Archives - Page 4 of 13

Russia Looking Forward To Picking Up $40 Billion In New Equipment After U.S. Abandons Ukraine

May 12, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

MOSCOW—Spirits were high in the Ministry of Defense after Russian military leaders learned that the United States would soon be sending $40 billion in supplies to Ukraine, which would then be almost assuredly lost or abandoned like a Trapper Keeper full of middle school history notes.

Generals high-fived and celebrated while speaking English with comically exaggerated Russian accents. “Dees stuff eez good as ours!” whooped Russian Army General Anatoly Gogol. “De Amerikanskis don’t even care. Dey lose more equipment in one week than I’ff seen in my whole career. Iz—like how you say—jackpot!”

Most considered the US largess as a tremendous boon to the woefully underequipped Russian war effort, and many references were made to last year’s goat-rodeo-style retreat from Afghanistan by American forces.

General Arkady Ourumov gathered with fellow commanders to discuss their wish lists. “I hope dey leaf some of those Apache helicopters like dey did in Kabul! Dey are de coolest! I weel learn to fly one and den say, ‘Who ees big boss man now!’ to my ex-wife who left me for styupid oligarch and his five-story yacht, dat I hate so much! Ptui!”

Said forward commander General Valentin Zhukovsky, “My troops dey need de—how you say—bullets. Because now, dey only haf steeks to throw at Ukrainians. Steeks no good; not even pointy.”

Pentagon spokesperson Carl Pell responded to Russian enthusiasm by saying, “The US has no intention of abandoning the $100 billion, I mean $40 billion, of equipment for the Ukrainian military. And when I said $100 billion earlier that was purely an accident and certainly not an indication that we plan to ask for an additional $60 billion after we lose this $40 billion. Next question?”

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Here Are Some More Things Elon Musk Should Buy And Fix

May 11, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

With Elon Musk buying Twitter and committing to making it better, there has been much speculation about what he might purchase and restore next. The possibilities are endless!

Here are a few of our ideas for things Elon should buy and fix next:

Facebook: And bring back poking!

ESPN: Make it about sports again!

Apple Inc.: Then officially rename “pregnant man emoji” to “Bill Gates emoji.”

The show Firefly: And announce 12 new seasons.

US Congress: Just launch it into the sun.

Public schools: And make them stop grooming.

Zach Snyder’s Justice League: Reinsert Superman’s mustache!

Texas Roadhouse: Change the whole menu to just the rolls with honey cinnamon butter.

LeCroix: Add flavor

Your mom: And make her lose some weight.

Wordle: And make it impossible to share your score.

Chick-Fil-A: …And keep everything the same.

Spider-Man 3: Make the whole movie one extended goth Peter Parker dance scene.

BLM: Make them actually care about black lives.

Mitt Romney: Install testicles.

Amy Schumer: Make her stop.

Chrysler Motors: Bring back the PT Cruiser!

Pfizer: Maybe he can get the vaccines to work.

Frisbees: I throw them straight but they don’t go straight! Why do they keep curving?!

Our teenagers: No, seriously–do you want them?

Bill Gates: Install an empathy chip using Neuralink.

Democratic Party: Make them care about the people they serve rather than just obtaining power.

Republican Party: Make them care about the people they serve rather than just obtaining power.

Libertarian Party: Scrap for parts.

Amazon’s Lord of the Rings: Burn it to the ground and make everyone involved apologize to JRR Tolkien.

Babylon Bee: Make them come up with a third joke. Also, free Cybertrucks.

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Report: Zero Males Affected As Feminists Go On Sex Strike

May 9, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

NEW YORK, NY—After feminists around the country vowed to stop having sex, men across the nation have remained blissfully unaware anything has changed.

“Huh? Who stopped having sex?” responded every man told of the development. “Wow, I had no idea. Good for them, I guess?”

The so-called ‘sex strike’ had been launched by leftist women in response to the potential overturning of Roe v. Wade. “The right is trying to create this dystopian world where sex has some connection to pregnancy and babies,” explained pro-abortion protester Lona Malachi. “Pregnancy is basically making a woman your slave, just like in The Handmaid’s Tale. So as long as sex has anything to do with babies, we simply won’t have it!” she exclaimed, before attempting to inhale air without taking in oxygen.

Despite the clarion call for an end to sex from female media personalities and politicians, surveys have shown that absolutely zero men have been affected. “Our research indicates the strike has not hit the intended target,” said sociology professor Sharon Young. “The nation’s cats, however, have reported a general increase in angry yelling by their owners.”

At publishing time, liberals were calling for a hunger strike until it becomes legal for doctors to suck food out of your stomach so eating doesn’t risk leading to digestion.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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Buffalo Hat-Wearing Elizabeth Warren Leads Insurrection Against Supreme Court

May 7, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Eyewitnesses reported Senator Elizabeth Warren donned a buffalo hat and led a group of bloodthirsty insurrectionists up the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building Wednesday morning. According to sources, they are outraged that the murder of babies as a constitutional right is under dispute.

Sen Warren, literally shaking, tumbled up the building steps and wailed righteously at the main door of the marble palace as her minions violently assaulted it with poster board and clothes hangers.

“The court has been compromised!” she yelled. “They are ruling in a way I disagree with!”

“America has fallen! WE DEMAND BLOOD! MORE BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!”

While rallying her supporters, Elizabeth Warren explained that overturning Roe v Wade wasn’t a big deal because Congress had the power to amend the Constitution but that she was still angry anyway because she hadn’t eaten in a while “AND COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GRAB ME A SNICKERS?!”

Republican leaders are reportedly concerned about the recent developments, unsure if they should point at Elizabeth Warren and laugh or worry whether continuing to oppose baby murder will make it harder for them to beat Democrats in November.

“Ugh, this is hard!” said Sen Mitch McConnel. “Politics! Ugh!”

The insurrectionists were seen walking around the Supreme Court Building with signs and flags, just like the violent insurrectionists of January 6th. They have not yet breached the building, however, as Capitol police have not opened the doors for them.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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Disinformation Board Confirms Rachel Levine Is A Woman

May 3, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The official DHS Disinformation Governance Board, more popularly known as the Ministry of Truth, confirmed today their latest disinformation findings: Rachel Levine is a woman.

The declaration occurred at a press conference held this morning at the Ministry’s gigantic, pyramid-shaped, 1000-foot-tall building that towers over Washington.

“There’s a lot of disinformation going around out there, with people pointing out Rachel Levine’s low voice register, prominent Adam’s apple, and propensity to not ask for help at Home Depot,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas standing at a towering lectern in front of a banner reading “War Is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Rachel Levine Is A Woman.”

“These are all hallmarks of classic Russian disinformation campaigns designed to destabilize our society and help Putin beat us.”

Other pieces of disinformation going around, according to Mayorkas, include the idea that Disney is grooming kids, the claim that inflation is happening, the far-right misinformation campaign painting Joe Biden as a senile, incompetent old boob, the claim that a triangle is a three-sided figure, and the “horribly offensive notion that the grass is green.”

“If you see anyone sharing these ideas, report them immediately.”

At publishing time, Mayorkas had confirmed that anyone who shares the disinformation that Rachel Levine is a man will be called into the Ministry of Love for questioning.

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Hunter Biden To Receive $50K Per Month Salary For Seat On Disinformation Governance Board

May 3, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Department of Homeland Security has formed the Disinformation Governance Board to bravely combat incorrect opinions on the internet. According to sources, the board’s Executive Director Nina Jankowicz has appointed Hunter Biden to sit on the board for a salary of $50,000 per month.

“We are proud to welcome Hunter to our Ministry of Tr– um, our Disinformation Governance Board,” said Jankowicz. “As the victim of a Russian disinformation campaign that claimed his laptop held evidence of horrific sexual crimes and international corruption resulting in tens of millions of dollars being funneled to the Biden family, he is uniquely equipped to speak to these issues.”

The President’s son will be paid a salary of $50,000 per month. His appointment has caused several prominent conservatives to cry foul, claiming the deal and the entire board itself seem “gross”, “creepy”, and “corrupt.”

The Disinformation Governance Board dismissed the criticism as “dangerous disinformation.”

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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Government Disinformation Board Determines All Criticism Of Government Disinformation Board To Be Disinformation

April 30, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In its first official act, the new DHS Government Disinformation Board ruled today that all criticism of the Government Disinformation Board is disinformation. This comes in response to sharp criticism from conservatives, which they say is untrue and unwarranted.

“The new board has barely begun its work and already many have jumped to the entirely unwarranted conclusion that it will be used to quash free speech,” said DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. “This could not be further from the truth, as everyone in this country has the right to say how much they support and agree with the Biden administration. It is only that speech that we disagree with which will be labeled as disinformation. This follows the well-established practice of media fact-checkers and social media content moderators.”

The ruling further found as “substantially dishonest, false and untrue” all allegations that the work of the board would in any way resemble that of “The Ministry of Truth” from George Orwell’s 1984. The Board stated: “There is no possible way that we could have been inspired by George Orwell’s 1984 since none of us have read that book or even know who this Orwell person is.”

Nina Jankowicz, President of the Board, concluded the ruling by singing a song to the tune of “Supercalifragilistic” from Mary Poppins. The lyrics, in part, were: “People think our lovely board is somehow quite atrocious, we conclude they suffer from a terrible psychosis, so we will come down on them in ways that are ferocious, please excuse my singing as I’ve got bad halitosis.”

At publishing time, Ms. Jankowicz was still working on choreography to accompany her song, along with a big closing number, “A Spoon Full of Coercion Helps the Propaganda Go Down.”

Babylon Bee subscriber Joseph Nelson contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

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9 Upcoming Netflix Shows Sure To Bring Back Subscribers

April 28, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Netflix has seen the writing on the wall. With subscribers leaving in droves, they’re announcing some new shows they’re hoping will entice you to subscribe to their service again!

Here are 9 epic shows they’re really hoping will bring you back:

1) Cuties 2: Netflix’s signature classic is back in this much-anticipated sequel!

2) Gilmore Boys: Want to follow the misadventures of Rory and Lorelai but can’t accept that you’re a woman in a man’s body? Check out Roark and Lorne as they recreate every episode of the hit show Gilmore Girls but as trans men.

3) Queer Eye Goes To Junior High: Just like Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, except set in junior high! Wholesome.

4) All-female reboot of Firefly: If there’s one fault the otherwise perfect original Firefly had, it was too many toxically masculine characters. This reboot fixes all that!

5) Even Stranger Things: Netflix CEO Brian Netflix has acknowledged that Stranger Things really put their original programming on the map. So, uh, here’s some more!

6) The Drag Queen’s Gambit: A down-on-their-luck drag queen breaks glass ceilings in tournament checkers. Yaass QUEEN!

7) Ryan Reynolds and The Rock Team Up to Blow More Things Up:But this time, it’s personal.

8) Breaking Boy: Creator Vince Gilligan presents a coming of age story of a young boy breaking into the human trafficking business. Perfect for Netflix’s core audience.

9) CNN+: The hours of unseen programming will find a new life on Netflix! Get ready for Jake Tapper’s Book Club: Season 2!

Which one is most likely to lure you back to Netflix?

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Democrats Continue Proud Tradition Of Wearing White Masks To Show Political Affiliation

April 26, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

ATLANTA, GA—Despite the lifting of mask mandates across the United States, Democrats have chosen to continue their proud tradition of wearing white masks to show their political affiliation.

“Mandate or not, I’m still wearing a mask to show others what side of the political aisle I am on,” said liberal democrat Snoddly McGuberson while proudly donning a white mask over his face. “Just like dear old Gramps, assistant Klaliff to the Supreme Grand Wizard back in the good old days.”

Thousands of Democrats have posted screeching manifestos on social media, defiantly donning white cloths over their faces to symbolize their desire for overwhelming government power to enforce a perfect society based upon cult-like zealotry, just like white-hooded Democrats of the past.

“It just feels right, you know? Masking up and attacking people of differing beliefs from behind a shroud of anonymity,” said McGuberson, “My democrat grandpa would be so proud.”

Babylon Bee subscriber Brian Lau contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

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13 Films With A Powerful Pro-Choice Message

April 25, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

The choice to murder your own offspring for convenience is a fundamental human right. Without choice, you might as well be, like, a handmaid in The Handmaid’s Tale! Fortunately, Hollywood is dedicated to producing hundreds of pro-choice films every year to preach the pro-choice message and protect this right for all!

Here are some of the most notable:

1) It – A reincarnated abortion doctor dressed as a clown performs late-term abortions on the neighborhood kids. Iconic!

2) Halloween – Michael Myers has every right to go stabbing. He was born this way.

3) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – A progressive depiction of a non-traditional family that chooses who they want to eat without apology. Inspiring!

4) A Nightmare on Elm Street – Freddy Krueger has long been one of Planned Parenthood’s most outspoken supporters.

5) Scream – Teens killing people!

6) The Lord of the Flies – Kids killing people!

7) The Silence of the Lambs – Dr. Lecter is a super-smart guy who wrote peer-reviewed papers so his stance on baby murder is probably correct.

8) The Omen – A powerful pro-choice film in which the villain is the kid.

9) Look Who’s Talking, Too! – You’ll want to commit murder after watching this movie.

10) Avengers: Infinity War – With one snap, Thanos fulfilled Planned Parenthood’s vision.

11) Schindler’s List – A man named Hitler lived his truth, followed his heart, and exercised his right to choose. Margaret Sanger would be so proud.

12) A Quiet Place – Parents go to great lengths to protect their children no matter how hard or inconvenient. Wait, how’d that get in here? Scratch this one.

13) Friday the 13th: Part I – A relentless killer who slays without remorse, Jason’s mother is the ultimate pro-choice hero.

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18 Things That Lasted Longer Than CNN+

April 22, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

CNN+ will be shutting down on April 30, just a month after its rocky start. Truly, its candle burned out long before its legend ever will.

Take a gander at these eighteen things that lasted longer than CNN+:

1) A gallon of milk

2) Kamala Harris’s presidential campaign

3) Two weeks to stop the spread

4) Firefly

5) Housefly

6) Brief, transitory inflation

7) Seattle’s CHAZ

8) The ending of Return of the King

9) Your wife’s multi-level marketing business

10) Colin Kaepernick’s enslavement in the NFL

11) Your New Year’s resolution to get in shape

12) Your New Year’s resolution to read your Bible

13) Free AOL trial CD with 1000 hours of internet

14) The COVID vaccine’s effectiveness

15) Zune

16) Google+

17) James Cameron’s Avatar‘s cultural impact

18) The Babylon Bee’s Twitter suspension

Wow! It seems like just yesterday CNN Plus was born, and now she’s already gone. Like a leaf on the wind. Babylon Bee subscriber Jamin D contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

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10 Changes DeSantis Has Ordered For Disney World

April 21, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

Florida legislature has revoked Disney’s self-governing status which means that some bold new changes are on the way. Disneyland in California will remain a popular site for human trafficking but the Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL is going to experience a dramatic overhaul.

Take a look at these exciting changes on the way:

1) The Hall of Presidents will just have 46 animatronic Donald Trumps: They are the greatest robots, maybe ever. Everyone says so.

2) Chip and Dale will now reside in separate trees: We can’t let our children be corrupted by cartoon characters having too close of a relationship.

3) Avatar land will be turned into an IP someone actually cares about like Krull: Wield a sentient weapon and save the world!

4) Only the original Star Wars trilogy may be spoken of: The prequel trilogy is too perfect to corrupt with human speech.

5) The only country featured in Epcot will be AMERICA: America is like a highlight reel of all the best countries anyway.

6) All Disney princesses to be replaced with Melania Trump: Finally, real diversity!

7) Weird Disney adults who come without kids will be banned: Yessss!!!

8) Human trafficking is strongly discouraged: And no more kids on leashes, you weirdos!

9) It’s A Small World attraction to be dismantled by tactical nuke: The area will be sealed off for thirty years.

10) Johnny Depp’s character will no longer wear eye shadow on the Pirates ride: Will also incorporate ex-wife Amber Heard in a redesigned auction scene.

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7 Ways To Cope Now That You Can’t Force People Around You To Wear Masks

April 20, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

The mask mandates have ended and life is returning to normal (unless you don’t fly and live in the half of the country that has been normal for two years). It can be difficult, though, to suddenly see all those triggering human faces after the government coddled you and fed your psychotic delusion and fear for the last two years. Here are seven ways to cope:

1. Close your eyes and imagine everyone is wearing a full hazmat suit. – It’s a neat little trick that actually works.

2. Scream at the sky. – This is a well-known coping mechanism. It works especially well if you record your scream onto your TikTok account.

3. Play The Sims 4 and manage other people’s lives like you’re an all-powerful god to your heart’s content. – Now you can drown people by surrounding their swimming pools with an impenetrable wall of potted plants. You’re in charge here!

4. Upgrade to 3 or 4 masks, or just roll around in a giant hamster ball. – Keep upping the number of masks you wear, but if that’s not enough, go the hamster ball route.

5. Get your pilot’s license and start your own airline. – aIrLiNeS aRe PrIvAtE cOmPaNiEs ThEy CaN dO wHaT tHeY wAnT!

6. Just remember, we’re all in this together. – It’s just for a little while. It’s a small sacrifice to make. If it saves one toddler from a speech impediment it’s all worth it.

7. Never go outside again. – Curl up in a ball and live out the rest of your days in the corner of your home, completely safe from COVID.

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State Of California Rejects 100% Of Biology Textbooks For Stating There Are Only Two Genders

April 19, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

SACRAMENTO, CA—The California Department of Education has rejected 100% of biology textbooks from the state’s public school curriculum because they perpetuate outdated backward ideas that there are only two genders, said Governor Gavin Newsom on Monday.

“Children are the future,” said Gov Newsom in a statement to the press. “It is inappropriate that we share these stone-age scientific ideas from radicalized scientists. Everyone knows there are an infinite number of genders. The science is settled.”

Orders of biology textbooks for grades 7-12 have been canceled. Joining them is a ban on all textbooks for grades 1-6. These books feature numerous subjects ranging from social studies to Math but they also have bigoted mentions of male and female genders which education officials have been allegedly traumatized by.

“In the next school year, our grade-schoolers will move away from conventional textbooks in favor of printouts of legislature-approved Twitter threads. It’ll save us a lot of money in the long run.”

Gov Newsom then came out as a dumpster bear in solidarity with non-normative trans persons of color.

“I am one of you,” he said while putting on a greasy bear head.

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

Dems Explain They Don’t Want Billionaires Controlling Our Media Unless They’re Bezos, Zuckerberg, Gates, Bloomberg, Buffett, Or Soros

April 19, 2022/in Commentary, Political Satire/by The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Democrats have explained that they absolutely do not want billionaires controlling our media, unless those billionaires are named Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Michael Bloomberg, Warren Buffett, or George Soros—along with about a thousand other names, according to sources.

“Elon Musk buying Twitter would represent a dangerous new world where billionaires who disagree with me own massive Big Tech companies,” said local Democrat activist and vegan smoothie cart owner Polly X. Walden. “Imagine a world in which social media sites can just ban you for your opinion if it’s unpopular. That’s the world we would be creating if we were to allow Musk to buy Twitter.”

Walden went on to point out that Musk would have a huge amount of power if he owned Twitter, enough to “even ban the President of the United States” or “suppress stories that could change the outcome of a presidential election.” “We can’t allow that kind of power to fall into the wrong hands—hands that disagree with me, I mean. We must entrust absolute power to billionaires on my side of the political spectrum, trustworthy men like Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, and Michael Bloomberg.”

Liberal political analysts across the country agreed, sharing their concerns for a world in which billionaires ban their own opinions, instead of the opinions of their political foes. “You conservatives just don’t understand how dystopian it would be if a social media site could just, like, shut you down unless you affirm their view of the world,” said one CNN commentator. “It would be a very scary world indeed.”

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

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