SACRAMENTO, CA—The California Department of Education has rejected 100% of biology textbooks from the state’s public school curriculum because they perpetuate outdated backward ideas that there are only two genders, said Governor Gavin Newsom on Monday.
“Children are the future,” said Gov Newsom in a statement to the press. “It is inappropriate that we share these stone-age scientific ideas from radicalized scientists. Everyone knows there are an infinite number of genders. The science is settled.”
Orders of biology textbooks for grades 7-12 have been canceled. Joining them is a ban on all textbooks for grades 1-6. These books feature numerous subjects ranging from social studies to Math but they also have bigoted mentions of male and female genders which education officials have been allegedly traumatized by.
“In the next school year, our grade-schoolers will move away from conventional textbooks in favor of printouts of legislature-approved Twitter threads. It’ll save us a lot of money in the long run.”
Gov Newsom then came out as a dumpster bear in solidarity with non-normative trans persons of color.
“I am one of you,” he said while putting on a greasy bear head.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-04-19 15:23:012022-04-19 15:23:01State Of California Rejects 100% Of Biology Textbooks For Stating There Are Only Two Genders
U.S.—Democrats have explained that they absolutely do not want billionaires controlling our media, unless those billionaires are named Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Michael Bloomberg, Warren Buffett, or George Soros—along with about a thousand other names, according to sources.
“Elon Musk buying Twitter would represent a dangerous new world where billionaires who disagree with me own massive Big Tech companies,” said local Democrat activist and vegan smoothie cart owner Polly X. Walden. “Imagine a world in which social media sites can just ban you for your opinion if it’s unpopular. That’s the world we would be creating if we were to allow Musk to buy Twitter.”
Walden went on to point out that Musk would have a huge amount of power if he owned Twitter, enough to “even ban the President of the United States” or “suppress stories that could change the outcome of a presidential election.” “We can’t allow that kind of power to fall into the wrong hands—hands that disagree with me, I mean. We must entrust absolute power to billionaires on my side of the political spectrum, trustworthy men like Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, and Michael Bloomberg.”
Liberal political analysts across the country agreed, sharing their concerns for a world in which billionaires ban their own opinions, instead of the opinions of their political foes. “You conservatives just don’t understand how dystopian it would be if a social media site could just, like, shut you down unless you affirm their view of the world,” said one CNN commentator. “It would be a very scary world indeed.”
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Twitter’s board of directors has elected to block an attempt from an African American immigrant to purchase the company. According to sources, they decided they would rather destroy their own company than see it in the hands of an African American.
“Over my dead body!” said angry board member Foghorn Callaway, twirling his mustache and shaking his cane in the air. “I’ll be hornswoggled if I ever allow an uppity foreigner own this glooooorious company!”
The other board members hooted and hollered and banged their hands on the elegant mahogany board room table in agreement.
According to sources, the young African businessman who offered to buy the company has ambitions to ensure Twitter is prioritizing free speech and “maximally trusted.” His detractors accuse him of being a “yucky Nazi” and a “poopoo head” who might use his strange foreign ways to upset the systems of power that control elections and cultural movements around the world.
“Ain’t no foreigner gonna get his hand’s on TWITTER!” said Callaway. “He needs to go back where he came from and build his own platform!” He then spat into a golden spittoon and limped out of the board room.
According to sources, if the Twitter deal falls through, the African American businessman plans to make a cash offer of $12 for TRUTH Social.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-04-19 06:45:202022-04-19 06:52:01Racist Twitter Board Declares They Would Rather Go Bankrupt Than Be Owned By An African American
Not only is the Biden administration a global embarrassment, but it is also destroying America from within. The American Southwest border has seen a whopping 6000-8000 illegals a day enter, and it is now projected that the number will “quickly double” since the announcement of the end of the CDC Emergency Title 42 expulsion authority.
Since anyone is free to slip through America’s borders — including criminals, dealers and jihadists — it is no surprise that five sexual predators were arrested in the West Texas border sector in a week, or that U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers seized 123 pounds of drugs at El Paso area ports of entry over the past weekend.
While Biden builds a voter base comprising of illegals, America continues to crumble.
“EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: 250 Migrants Appear in One Hour in West Texas Town,” by Randy Clark, Breitbart, April 12, 2022:
EAGLE PASS, Texas — Border Patrol agents scrambled to respond to several large migrant groups early Tuesday. The migrants made landfall just south of the city in a steady flow to surrender. One subgroup of more than 100 were mostly Cubans.
Border Patrol agents took the group of mostly adult males into custody and began the task of gathering basic biographical information and inventories of personal property. Several Border Patrol trucks brought more migrants to a roadway from the riverbank. There were some female migrants carrying infants and young children.
According to a Customs and Border Protection source, the flow of migrants just south of the city has been steadily increasing since the announcement of the end of the CDC Emergency Title 42 expulsion authority. The CDC announced on April 1 that the emergency order will expire on May 23. As word of the program’s sunset spreads, the source says the increase in migrant crossings is likely to grow.
The source says daily apprehension totals are between 6,000 to 8,000 migrants per day across the entire southwest border – a figure which could quickly double. Even at the current pace, Border Patrol facilities are experiencing overcrowding….
The tech visionary and billionaire recently set off a firestorm when he purchased a large chunk of Twitter’s stock, and he’s now coming for the whole thing for the price of $43.4 billion, according to The Hollywood Reporter.
Musk wrote the following in part in a message to Twitter board chair Bret Taylor, according to the same report:
However, since making my investment I now realize the company will neither thrive nor serve this societal imperative in its current form. Twitter needs to be transformed as a private company.
As a result, I am offering to buy 100% of Twitter for $54.20 per share in cash, a 54% premium over the day before I began investing in Twitter and a 38% premium over the day before my investment was publicly announced. My offer is my best and final offer and if it is not accepted, I would need to reconsider my position as a shareholder.
Twitter has extraordinary potential. I will unlock it.
I can’t begin to tell you how much I hope this happens. It’s not just that I want Elon Musk to take over Twitter. It’s that we need Elon Musk to take over Twitter.
AUTHOR
David Hookstead
Sports and entertainment editor.
EDITORS NOTE: This Daily Caller column is republished with permission. All rights reserved.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Daily Callerhttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Daily Caller2022-04-15 12:47:502022-04-15 13:00:46Elon Musk Offers To Buy Twitter For More Than $40 Billion
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden was bewildered on Monday when his old arch-enemy Corn Pop was spotted at the White House during an event celebrating the passage of the Affordable Care Act 12 years prior. Biden reportedly pulled secret service agents aside and told them to keep an eye on the man who he called a “bad dude.” According to sources, agents kindly reminded the most powerful man in the world that “the crazy black man” was former President Barak Obama.
“Listen here, Agent Jack, Obama is my BFF. Don’t you think I can tell the difference between him and Corn Pop? Come on, man!”
“Corn Pop is a bad dude!” the president explained to Secret Service Agent Jack Stallone. “Takes fire to fight fire. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?”
Video footage of the event appears to show a moment when Biden attempted to confront Obama, who he was sure was Corn Pop, but the former president did his best to ignore him.
According to sources, Obama managed to escape before Biden could wrap a chain around his head.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-04-10 08:56:272022-04-10 08:57:59Confused Biden Wondering Why Corn Pop Is At The White House
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Barack Obama has returned to the White House after growing tired of working remotely. The President said it was time to work in the Oval Office once again, after over a year of being the president from his Martha’s Vineyard estate.
“Normally, a President can only hold office for 2 terms,” said Barack Obama to other elites gathered at the White House. “But we found this little loophole where you just take a 3rd term anyway by working online.”
According to sources, Obama explained that working from home was fun for a while, but he just needed to get back in the office and meet face to face again. He also added that it just wasn’t the same not being in the limelight all the time.
“It’s been quite the experience so far. You’d be surprised how easy it is to ruin—erm run a country over Teams or Zoom.” said President Obama. “The best part is no matter how bad things get—I just blame Kamala and Joe!”
At publishing time, President Obama was found in the situation room launching drone strikes on Middle Eastern civilians. He said he “missed seeing the strikes on the big screen.”
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-04-07 16:14:062022-04-07 16:16:12President Barack Obama Returns To White House After Growing Tired Of Working Remotely
KYIV—In a devious 4D chess move, Vladimir Putin has ordered all his armored divisions to fly Planned Parenthood flags so no one will criticize them for committing unthinkable genocide against innocent people.
“It is very simple,” said Putin. “Eliminating Ukrainian civilians is healthcare. I am just a pro-choice activist exercising my right to eliminate all lives that inconvenience me in any way.”
At the first sight of Planned Parenthood flags waving in the breeze, Ukrainian forces were ordered to lay down their weapons and celebrate the brave, powerful Russian army for standing up for their right to autonomy.
“We are so sorry for this misunderstanding,” said Ukrainian President Zelensky in a statement. “The Russians are just living their truth as they slaughter our population and we will not stand in their way. We are not bigots, after all.”
At time of publishing, Planned Parenthood has offered to take over Russian concentration camps and rebrand them as “health clinics.”
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-04-05 17:49:112022-04-11 08:04:26Putin’s Army Flies Planned Parenthood Flag So No One Will Criticize Them For Genocide
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Liberals at Twitter were outraged this morning upon finding out almost 10% of their company is now owned by an African-American. Several have threatened walk-outs to protest the news.
“That man’s foreign ways aren’t welcome here,” said Twitter Programming Director Xerxie Vamoosixx, (xe/xir.) “I watched a TikTok video about a Salon article about a tweet from a journalist that said he is ‘based,’ which is another word for transphobic. I have literally not stopped shaking and throwing up on my desk since I found out.”
Several unnamed sources from within the company expressed worry that the African immigrant will influence the company to value freedom of speech—even allowing people to send tweets people like Vamoosixx don’t agree with. “Tweets I don’t agree with make me feel unsafe which means they’re literally violence and I’m gonna burn down this building,” xe said.
Vamoosixx plans to stage a protest and demand the foreigner take his foreign ways back to where he came from.
Other Twitter employees expressed excitement over the new ownership—especially for the free White Claws now available in every break room.
Having difficulty staying afloat in today’s rapidly changing economic landscape? Duke Geralt LéMaster provides some insightful tips to help you cope in these trying times.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-04-05 16:10:292022-04-05 16:14:04Liberals Outraged To Learn 10% Of Twitter Now Owned By African-American
TALLAHASSEE, FL—The popular topical pain-relieving cream Bengay is undergoing a name change in order to stay compliant with Florida law. Starting next month, the sore muscle medication will be sold under the new name “Benstraight.”
“Due to Ron DeSantis’s new legislation, the word ‘gay’ is now completely forbidden in the state of Florida. At least—that’s what it said in all my favorite left-wing media sources,” said J&J Vice President Damien Creemstank. “This rebranding effort will make our product legal again, and should increase our sales in the homophobic bigot community.”
Those wanting the original Bengay will have to cross state lines and smuggle the original product into Florida.
According to sources, hundreds of teachers have already smuggled Bengay into Florida schools, where they will require their kindergarteners to use it at all times while screaming the word “gay” at the top of their lungs.
In this internal meeting at Twitter, two new employees learn the ropes of who gets banned and who gets to stay on.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-04-02 17:31:422022-04-02 17:51:01Under Florida Law Bengay Forced To Rebrand As Benstraight
ORLANDO, FL—On July 1st, teachers throughout Florida will no longer be permitted to encourage discussions about sex with children in grades kindergarten through grade 3. Florida teachers have been adamant that they’ve never encouraged such discussions in their classrooms but they are weirdly outraged that they will no longer be able to.
“I have never once told a boy they are really a girl, or a girl they are really nothing, or a man that they should be comfortable loving children. Not once. BUT IT’S OUTRAGEOUS THAT I CAN’T,” said Ms. Feilershiek, a kindergarten teacher at Chickasaw Elementary, while picketing in front of her school instead of teaching children.
One third-grade teacher, Mx. Pat Frumouge (ze/zir), had begun teaching zeir students about LGBTQ culture full-time ahead of the July 1st deadline.
“Look, I don’t groom any kids. But I have to constantly explain why I look like a porcelain fish-being,” ze said, visibly shaken. “This law is going to erase me as an individual. My sexual identity and favorite kinks are my entire identity… if I can’t share that with children—which I don’t—then I don’t know what I’m going to do. Teach math?”
Children at Chickasaw Elementary School are reportedly failing at math and science but excelling at peer-pressuring other children to switch genders at will. Teachers insist the kids are doing that on their own, however.
According to sources, teachers are preparing for the next year by abandoning all subjects entirely in favor of full-time LGBTQ lectures to make up for the fact they won’t be able to indoctrinate children next year—even though they don’t do that.
In this internal meeting at Twitter, two new employees learn the ropes of who gets banned and who gets to stay on.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-04-02 17:20:092022-04-02 17:21:42Teachers Who Insist They’re Not Teaching Your Kid About Sex Also Weirdly Outraged By Ban On Teaching Your Kid About Sex
U.S.—Disney+ has announced some new parental features coming to the popular streaming platform. Now to ensure that parents do not get in the way of their children’s viewing experience, Disney+ will ask to confirm that no parents are in the room before viewing any content.
“We have to stick to our core values. And that’s to influence and fill young minds with content that we want them to see without Mommy and Daddy’s knowledge,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek. “We believe children learn the most from a free environment, that’s not stifled by adult supervision.”
Now before viewing any content intended for children, users will have to confirm that no parents are in the room, only young susceptible children. They will be prompted to answer as follows: You must be 18 or younger, preferably in Kindergarten to 3rd Grade. Please confirm that no parents are in the room before continuing.
“We realized that parents have enough controls as it is,” explained Bob Chapek. “So we are giving children special tools so they can have a special educational time on Disney+. Now kids can learn without the oppressive, disapproving judgment of parents who think they know what’s best for their own kids”
At publishing time, Disney confirmed that any parents found violating the rules by staying and watching in the room are subject to legal fees and having their children taken away by Child Protective Services.
This clever husband has found a way to avoid all his responsibilities: he just deflects blame onto Vladimir Putin. Smart!
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-30 08:52:412022-03-30 08:55:41Disney+ Will Now Ask You To Confirm No Parents Are In The Room Before Viewing Content
LOS ANGELES—The average gas price in the state of California is now $6.66, according to a report by the LA Times. This has made it tricky for some motorists who keep bursting into flames every time they fill up their gas tanks.
Biblical scholars are reviewing the text of Revelation to see if this correlates with the mark of the beast as described by the apostle John.
“I knew it!” said Horace Oldman, a church pastor who has unsuccessfully predicted the end of the earth five different times. “It’s all in the Bible code, friend. You have to not just read what John wrote but really read between the lines too,” he said.
“You see, they didn’t have gas back then,” he continued, “so he described things like a dragon with ten horns and seven heads. That’s obviously just talking about oil derricks. Then the beast from the earth are pumps that call fire from the sky. Because fire is something gas can turn into. But since it’s evil we’re inverting it so it’s coming up out of the ground instead of out of the earth.”
“DO YOU SEE?”
Horace Oldman predicts the price of gas will top out at $144,000 a gallon.
Theologians at the Claremont Colleges have distanced themselves from this idea.
“It’s a coincidence,” says Dr. Rabert Heystone, a theologian and political lobbyist for Big Oil. “You can’t take one element that fits and mush everything else together. You have this number 666 but you don’t have it as a mark, you don’t have a moon turning to blood—and never mind the fact much of Revelation is symbolic. You can’t pick and choose what is literal and what isn’t just to fit your narrative.”
Dr. Heystone and his contemporaries, however, have thus far been unable to explain why people keep bursting into flames and becoming unholy supporters of a New World Order.
“I don’t know,” said Dr. Heystone. “Prices are high. It’s stressful.”
This clever husband has found a way to avoid all his responsibilities: he just deflects blame onto Vladimir Putin. Smart!
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-29 05:00:592022-03-29 05:02:41Not A Good Sign: Average Gas Price In California Now $6.66
Are you smart enough to spot the difference between a quote from the Vice President, and a muppet from Sesame Street?! Only the smartest, keenest of minds are able to discern the difference between a quote from Kamala Harris or Elmo.
Test your knowledge below!
Quote: “[…] loves to learn, learn about it all. The things that are big and the things that are small!”
Answer: Elmo. Starting off with a challenging one.
Quote: “It’s time for us to do, what we have been doing and that time is every day. Every day it is time for us to agree.”
Answer: Kamala. Surprisingly, this was not said by a muppet.
Quote: “[] thinks it’s important to be kind because if you’re kind to somebody, then they’ll be kind to somebody, and it goes on and on and on.”
Answer: Elmo. You got it!
Quote: “Me love me blanky most in the whole world. Me sad if me blanky would go away. But if you lose your blanky, me give up my blanky for you, cause that’s how much me loves you.”
Answer: We’re actually not too sure about this one.
Quote: “As we all know elections matter. And when folks vote they order what they want and in this case, they got what they asked for.’
Answer: Kamala. Ok, that one was a gimmie.
Quote: “We must together work together to see where we are, where we are headed and where we are going.”
Answer: Both. Incredibly both Kamala Harris and Elmo have said this exact quote!
Quote: “So Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country called Russia. Russia is a bigger country. Russia is a powerful country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine. So basically that’s bad.”
Answer: Kamala. The adults are back in charge!
Quote: “When you feel like your nose needs to give an ahh-choo, this is how you act, this is what you do. Lift your arm on high, bend it towards your face, and sneeze right there in the bendy place.”
Answer: Elmo. Maybe that one was too tough. The next one will be easier.
Quote: “We’re talking about the significance of the passage of time. Right? The significance of the passage of time. So when you think about it there is great significance to the passage of time.”
Quote: “Let’s take a ride in a car. Listen to the motor go vroom, vroom, vroom As we travel near and far Vroom, vr-vroom, vr-vroom. Let’s go driving in an automobile. Let’s take a ride in a car. Listen to the horn go beep, beep, beep. As we travel near and far. Let’s go driving in an automobile. Let’s take a ride in a car. Windshield wipers go swish, swish, swish. As we travel near and far. Let’s go driving in an automobile. Let’s take a ride in a car. Listen to the people sing la, la la.”
Answer: Elmo. Whew. That one was tough.
Quote: “We have the ability to see what can be, unburdened by what has been. And then to make the possible actually happen.”
Answer: Kamala. Are we sure Elmo didn’t say this?
Quote: “Just based on what we’ve been able to see. And because we’ve seen it or not doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. But just limit it to what we have seen.”
Answer: Kamala. Honestly, could have gone either way.
Did you get them all? If so, we’re impressed—assuming you didn’t cheat by consulting your toddler’s Tickle-Me-Elmo doll.
This clever husband has found a way to avoid all his responsibilities: he just deflects blame onto Vladimir Putin. Smart!
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-29 04:34:592022-03-29 04:51:53Who Said It: Vice President Kamala Harris Or Elmo?
What is a woman? Nobody knows—not even Supreme Court nominees. But we’ve come up with a few key indicators to look for. Run through this list and keep track of how many “yes” answers you come up with. The more affirmatives, the more likely you’re a chick!
1. Are you always cold?
2. Has a human ever popped out of you?
3. Have you ever decorated a bed with six or more pillows?
4. Can you tell the difference between cream white and rustic farmhouse white?
5. Have you run into a curb in the past 24 hours? Be honest, CAROL.
6. DO YOU BLEED? Like, for an extended period of time at regular intervals?
7. Does it take you over three hours to decide what you want to eat?
8. Are you currently a member of at least three pyramid schemes?
9. Do you find simple movie plots hard to follow?
10. Do you frequently describe your emotional state as “fine” when you are not in fact fine?
11. Is your Starbucks drink order anything other than black coffee?
12. Do you have two X chromosomes?
Tally up your number of “Yes” answers and consult this chart:
0-2: There’s a small chance you’re a dude, bro.
3-5: We’re getting some real feminine vibes here.
6-8: Starting to look kinda likely that you’re probably a woman.
9-11: Definitely a woman.
12: You are the final boss of women. Congrats!
This woman is an angry feminist — but she’s quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted.
http://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.png00The Babylon Beehttp://drrich.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/logo_264x69.pngThe Babylon Bee2022-03-25 14:56:402022-03-25 15:00:18Are You A Woman? 12 Signs To Look For
Not only is the Biden administration a global embarrassment, but it is also destroying America from within. The American Southwest border has seen a whopping 
