DeSantis Signs New Bill Where You Can Only Say ‘Gay’ To Mean ‘Uncool’ Or ‘Lame’

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TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Ron DeSantis has signed into law a new bill called the “Only Say Gay If You Mean Lame” bill, which does just what it says: in Florida schools, you can now only say “gay” if you are calling somebody uncool.

“Here in the free state of Florida, ‘gay’ only means one thing: totally lame,” said DeSantis in a passionate speech at the capitol building. “The rest of the country may be using the term to refer to all kinds of hogwash, teaching our schoolchildren terrible things, but here, we’re only gonna say ‘gay’ to refer to stuff that’s dumb, annoying, or mockable.”

DeSantis then displayed a slide showing banned uses of the word “gay”:

  • I am attracted to the same sex. Do you think I am gay?
  • The “G” in LGBTQ stands for “gay.”
  • Neil Patrick Harris is so gay.

He also provided these examples of acceptable uses:

  • Check out those lame basketball shorts Mark is wearing. So gay!
  • Soccer is gay — baseball and football are where it’s at, fam.
  • Nickelback is so gay.

At publishing time, DeSantis had clarified that public school teachers could still use the word “gay” to mean “happy”, as in the Flintstones song, “We’ll have a gay old time”, provided it’s not used ironically or with a double entendre to mean people of the opposite sex being attracted to each other.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Man Donates To Truck Convoy Under Name ‘Hunter Biden’ So Washington Post Won’t Dox Him

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LAUREL, MS—Inspired by the fight for medical freedom in Canada, local retiree Dale O’Reilly decided to donate to the Trucker Convoy. But in order to keep from getting doxxed by the Washington Post, he very wisely entered his name as “Hunter Biden.” Smart!

“I and the missus like to give money to worthy causes, but we don’t want those no-good Antifa thugs showing up in our front yard,” said O’Reilly. “Or worse—what if someone called my shuffleboard league and got me kicked out for donating to the truckers? Can’t have that!”

According to experts, pretending to be Hunter Biden is the most effective way to make sure Big Tech pulls out all the stops to protect your privacy. If anyone tries to share leaked information about someone named “Hunter Biden” The Washington Post will squash the story and work with Big Tech to ensure anyone who shares non-public information about that person is permanently suspended from their platform.

“It’s a dangerous world out there,” said O’Reilly as he confirmed his donation of $12.24 to the Freedom Convoy. “I gotta do my best to keep safe.”

Unfortunately, O’Reilly was later doxxed by Ukrainian authorities who were collecting evidence of Hunter Biden’s corruption.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Footage Shows Hillary Clinton Dangling From Wire To Hack Ultra-Secure Server In Trump Tower

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NEW YORK, NY—Security footage newly uncovered by Special Counsel Durham shows Hillary Clinton sneaking into the Trump Tower server room to steal campaign secrets and plant incriminating links to Russia.

In the shocking surveillance video, Hillary is seen dropping down from the ceiling to avoid high-tech laser sensors and the motion-activated floor alarm. She appears to plug a miniature keyboard into a terminal and executes a command script to presumably scramble the server with Russian propaganda. The footage cuts out when Clinton appears to notice the camera and targets it with a portable EMP device.

“The video was lost until now,” claimed a federal agent who spoke to the press on condition of anonymity. “We had to piece the footage together from damaged data, but we now know for sure that Hillary Rodham Clinton was involved in spying on Trump.” As soon as he finished speaking, several red laser dots appeared on his forehead and he recanted his statement.

Clinton, who appeared feeble during her presidential run, is seen performing a number of graceful acrobatic moves on the tape.

“I was right. Of course, I was right. I always am,” said former president Trump. “I am completely and totally vindicated. Hillary Clinton is a criminal and a fat loser and I should have locked her up when I had the chance. What a shame! Too bad!”

As a result of the devastating revelation, the former senator and first lady will be facing no consequences of any kind.

Watch as a Woman driving alone in a carpool lane claims her preferred pronoun is ‘They’

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

CDC Director Now Says To Just Do Whatever Texas Did 12 Months Ago

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ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has released new guidance for how states should deal with the pandemic by telling everyone to just go ahead and do what Texas did 12 months ago.

“Yeah, we were pretty much wrong about literally everything. Sorry about that!” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky to the press. “It would seem the official science has changed. We should now be doing whatever Texas has been doing for over a year. To be clear, this doesn’t mean Texas is good. They’re still bad and we hate them. We just want to make sure that’s understood.”

The gathered journalists then began to scream towards the sky and hyperventilate at the thought of returning to some degree of normalcy, as well as the thought of Texans actually being right about something.

“I recommend we just drop all this and pretend it never happened,” said Walensky. “I’m still gonna be paid my salary, right?”

Spotify Just BANNED These 11 Songs For Misinformation

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Admin Issues New Masks With Holes In Them So You Can Smoke Your Free Government Crack Pipe

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden Admin has announced plans for 500 million new masks which will be shipped out for free to U.S. residents. These masks will have a brand-new design feature: a small mouth hole so that people can easily smoke their government-issued crack pipes.

“We are proud of our equity initiative to send out safe crack-smoking kits to people who desperately need them,” said Press Secretary Psaki. “Unfortunately, wearing masks can make smoking crack more difficult, which disproportionately affects mask-wearing crack-smokers of color. These new masks are meant to address that problem.”

The new masks will feature a small mouth hole just large enough to accommodate a glass crack pipe so that crack smokers can smoke crack without removing their masks.

“We all want this pandemic to be over,” said Psaki, “so if we stay masked up while crack-smoking, we’ll all get through this together.”

The President has appointed his son Hunter Biden to oversee the distribution of both the crack pipes and crack masks.

Watch as this Joe Rogan fan fruitlessly tries to get Alexa to play the Joe Rogan Experience.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column and video by The Babylon Bee are republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Stacey Abrams Says She Doesn’t Have To Wear A Mask Because She’s A Governor

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ATLANTA, GA—Beloved Georgia politician Stacey Abrams was viciously pounced upon by conservative critics after being photographed maskless while she was surrounded by dozens of masked schoolchildren. But the haters quickly walked back their criticisms of the political firebrand after Abrams informed them that she’s the Governor and governors don’t have to wear masks.

“After hearing that Abrams was following the science of being an important governor around those small, dangerous vectors of COVID-19, we immediately retracted our denunciation and published a formal apology,” said conservative pundit, Balswell Crocwelder with a tone of remorse and guilt in his voice. “Who knows what horrific disaster would have occurred had she not been an important state leader who is immune from all mask requirements.”

When pressed on the issue, Mr. Crocwelder finally admitted he only attacked Ms. Abrams because he wanted to date her.

Co-hosts of ABC’s “The View” praised Abrams for her intelligent use of science by being around kids as a duly elected governor, reminding viewers the scientific practice has been used by literally every other politician in the Democrat party, resulting in millions of lives saved.

Joy Behar, long-time host of “The View” and likely MENSA hall of famer, praised Abrams as a fellow genius, and proposed that the same rigorously-proven science be used to stop the spread of AIDS by being a Democrat governer during sex.

Babylon Bee subscriber Jim Oliver contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Watch as this Joe Rogan fan fruitlessly tries to get Alexa to play the Joe Rogan Experience.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

15 Fun Communist-Themed Olympic Events At Beijing This Year

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The Beijing 2022 Winter Olympics have begun! Elite athletes from all over the globe have descended upon China to find out who will have the honor of being blacklisted for suggesting China is a dictatorship that is actively committing genocide. We haven’t seen an Olympiad this tense since Jesse Owens beat Adolf Hitler in a foot race back in 1936.

To make matters more complicated, several new events have been introduced to take advantage of the Chinese locale.

Here are just a few of the new games Beijing is adding to the mix this year:

1) Uyghur Luge: Competitors slide down the side of a mountain on a live Uyghur prisoner. Radical!

2) Uyghur Biathlon: Exactly like the standard Ski and Shoot Biathlon, but you shoot Uyghurs.

3) Competitive Virus Making: A competitor from Wuhan is the current favorite.

4) Men’s Cross Country Lab Leak: A companion event to Competitive Virus Making. Athletes are judged on time and plausible deniability.

5) iPhone Factory Roof Diving: Featuring celebrity judge Tim Cook of Apple!

6) Social Credit Scoring: But if you lose you get shot.

7) Winnie the Pooh Lookalike Competition: This is just one part of a larger Pooh Triathalon. Features a honey eating contest and slalom race.

8) Mixed Doubles Soup Rationing: Male and female teammates see how long they can make one bowl of soup last between them. Points are deducted for dying.

9) Women’s Vanishing Tennis: A variant on mixed couples. But you get shot.

10) Synchronized Censorship: Work in harmony to make popular Hollywood films even better!

11) Men’s Snowboard: It’s like waterboarding, but with snow.

12) Women’s Downhill Sterilization: Not to be confused with Women’s Sterilization Jump.

13) Bobsled Across Border To Freedom: It’s like the standard bobsled event. But you get shot.

14) Kneeling Before President Xi (On Ice!): Half figure skating, half oppression, all fun!

15) Men’s Short Track Celebration Of The Centenary Of The Great And Glorious Chinese Communist Party Looking Toward The Bright Prospects For The Rejuvenation Of The Chinese Nation: But you get shot.

Enjoy the games!

Babylon Bee subscriber JOSEPH P SNEED contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Justin Trudeau just released this statement where he claims the truckers hate him because he’s a brave he/him of color, eh?

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Confused Migrant Sneaks Across Rio Grande Instead Of Taking Free Government Flight To U.S.

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MCALLEN, TX—Haitian migrant Tamara Garcia was searching for a better life in America as she waded across the Rio Grande river last week. She was quickly apprehended by border patrol agents who asked her why she didn’t take a free government flight to the US instead.

“I should have done my homework before sneaking into the United States illegally,” Garcia said. “I had no idea that the government would give me a free flight to anywhere I wanted to go in the US. My bad!”

Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas said Garcia’s situation is all too common. “We’ve been trying to get the word out about this program for some time,” Mayorkas said. “But we’re still finding a lot of illegal aliens trying to sneak into the country, not realizing that the government will fly them in for free.”

Mayorkas said the Biden-backed program, called MigrantAir, offers free, no-questions-asked flights to the US from 35 convenient locations in Mexico and Central America. Once the flights land, migrants are given a cell phone and $10,000 cash to start their new life.

“We also give each migrant a letter with a court date for an asylum hearing,” Mayorkas said. “Of course, that’s just for show, but it gets a good chuckle every time.”

For her part, Garcia was able to hop a free flight to New York City a few days after her arrest. “The flight was great, except for a slight delay when an American citizen was caught trying to sneak onto the plane,” he said. “Fortunately, the Border Patrol was checking ID to make sure anyone with a passport was kicked off the flight.”

Justin Trudeau just released this statement where he claims the truckers hate him because he’s a brave he/him of color, eh?

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Top 8 Reasons To Stock Up On Ammo RIGHT NOW

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If you have less than infinity rounds of ammunition in your house, it’s time to buy more ammo!

Say what? You need a better reason than that? Ok fine—here are eight.

1) You’ll need enough ammo to defend yourself from the zombie hoard caused by the next Wuhan lab leak: We heard COVID-20’s a doozy.

2) To fill up those new 700-round drum magazines you just bought for your AR-15: Next year they’re coming out with a 1000 round drum! ‘Merica!

3) Just in case you get dirt on the Clintons: If you get dirt on Hillary, you need to be prepared to defend yourself against a full military strike.

4) It’s time for us to buy what we have been buying and that time is every day: Wise words from Kamala Harris!

5) So you’ll have something to shoot into the sky as you salute the American flag every night: Everyone does this, right?

6) Buying Ammo makes Beto O’Rourke cry: This, in turn, helps everyone fill up their Leftist Tears tumbler! Win-win!

7) So you can defend against continually encroaching tyranny: While you’re at the store, you’d better pick up a couple of F-15s and maybe some nukes.

8) It’s cheaper than gas right now: You might as well.

Well, what are you waiting for? Stock up, buddy!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Trump Media & Technology Group Announces Launch of ‘TRUTH Emojis’

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The Trump Media & Technology Group is preparing to launch its new TRUTH Social iOS app on February 21st, 2022.

During a press conference with CNN President Trump (45 & 47) when asked about the new TRUTH Social iOS app and its capabilities responded, “We want those interested in the whole truth and nothing but the truth to download our new iOS app. We have many features to help those who have been banned from Twitter and Facebook, present company included, to have a voice.”

Trump added, “Our market research of everyday hard working Americans found that many are ’emoji confused’. So we have decided to add to our TRUTH Social iOS app ‘TRUTH Emojis’. These emojis will eliminate some of the ’emoji confusion’ that is rampant on failed social media platforms like Twitter and Facebook.”

Devin Nunes, CEO of TRUTH Social, noted, “We at TRUTH Social will have emojis that are based upon science and the truth. For example we will have a male (XY) emoji and a female (XX) emoji. We will also have a God emoji and Jesus (JC) emoji. We have been warned by the Taliban not to have a Mohammed emoji as this is blasphemy and we will be beheaded by the religion of peace.”

“We will have emojis for those who preach the Old and New Testament, for example our rabbi emoji.” Nunes explained.

Nunes noted, “Americans want the truth and that includes emojis that aren’t confusing and truly represent what Americans believe in such as our U.S. Constitution, Bill of Rights and American flag emojis.”

After the press conference there was much consternation and animated discussion by the CNN team about the TRUTH Emojis. One CNN reporter was heard calling the TRUTH Emojis, “racist, white supremist, homophobic and Islamophobic.”

Trump responded with, “See you in 2024.”

EDITOR NOTE: This political satire column by DrRichSwier.com is published tongue in cheek. For those who are emoji confused we hope you aren’t confused anymore. ©All rights reserved.

New Minnie Mouse Pantsuit Design Includes Baton For Beating Uyghur Prisoners

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PARIS—Minnie Mouse will be sporting a new look this March for Women’s History Month when she finalizes her divorce from Mickey and becomes an independent businesswoman in a pantsuit. The new outfit comes with a stylish baton for beating Uyghur prisoners who miss their manufacturing quota.

The announcement is part of Disneyland Paris’ 30th-anniversary celebration, which will also feature “Guard Dog Pluto” chasing around Uyghur chipmunks.

Anne Hidalgo, the current mayor of Paris, has praised Disney’s redesign of its iconic female mouse. “Paris is a utopia where women have never been sexualized,” she said in a statement. “I’m grateful for the bravery Disney has shown by changing the costume of a cartoon mouse.”

“The Walt Disney Company has worked hard to make sure women feel less feminine every day so that they can be equal to or greater than men,” said Disney PR Associate Cheryldyne Finiqua. “It is also important that we remind China how much we support them. We think this new Minnie Mouse kills two birds with one stone.”

According to sources, if fan response to Minnie’s new look is positive she’ll abandon her femininity entirely and become a man in June, just in time for Pride Month.

“Who knows, she may even be the next president of France,” joked President Emmanuel Macron. “But seriously, don’t vote for her.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Reminds Everyone That Black Justices Can Be Just As Smart As Rich Ones

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.

“Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones,” said Biden to reporters. “Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn’t mean they can’t be judges too! Come on folks! This ain’t complicated! If I haven’t nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain’t black!”

Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.

“Mixed race judges don’t qualify,” said Biden, insisting they “aren’t black enough.”

It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even where he is right now.

“I’m proud to be the first President in history to get one of them blacks on the Supreme Court,” said Biden. “Clarance Thomas doesn’t count. He’s a bit too uppity for my taste.”

Biden then saluted his framed portrait of Robert Byrd and took a nap.

Babylon Bee subscriber Cody Pierce contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Considers Starting World War III To Distract From Domestic Failures

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Faced with plummeting poll numbers and the realization that a rambling, semi-coherent, two-hour press conference failed to turn things around, President Biden is apparently considering a new strategy to save his floundering presidency: start World War III.

Deploying troops, warships, and aircraft to confront Russia over Ukraine is the first step in the new plan to escalate a regional conflict into a global clash between superpowers. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Milley said, “It’ll be great. Everyone likes a good war, right? Certainly everyone I know—all the generals and defense contractors and Washington elites—they all love a good war. It’s a win-win! Unless we lose. Don’t include that last part.”

“It’s a very sound political strategy,” an unnamed source within the administration told this reporter. “When the nukes start flying and half of Europe is in flames, who’s going to care anymore about a little inflation or a shortage of COVID tests? Plus we showed with Afghanistan that we have absolutely no idea how to end a war. I’m sure starting one has got to be way easier.”

Jen Psaki was quoted as saying, “Frankly, I’m so tired of answering questions about the failed immigration policy and the failed Build Back Better bill and the failed voting rights bill and the failed COVID policy and the failed economic policy and ‘didn’t the stock market collapse today?’—anyway, it’ll be nice to talk about a failed war for a change.”

Those willing to give their lives to defend Ukraine and boost Biden’s poll numbers can report to their nearest recruiting station.

As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Ukraine Invites Kyle Rittenhouse To Guard Their Border

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KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.

“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”

While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.

“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, “But we’re asking for more time while the President looks for a bathroom scale large enough to do so.”

Eyewitnesses inside the Kremlin say Putin responded to Ukraine’s bold defensive move by tearing off his shirt, grabbing his Kalashnikov, and riding a bear toward the Ukrainian border.

Welcome to “Hate Me, Date Me!” with AOC, the game where you can tell Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez just how much you hate her — and she’ll draw her own conclusions about how much you want to date her. Which lucky bachelor will she pick?

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Says Russia Can Invade Ukraine So Long As They Avoid Hunter’s Gas Company

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise move, President Biden gave Russia the green light to launch an invasion into Ukraine, with the small caveat that they don’t blow up the oil company paying for Hunter’s art lessons.

“I looked Vladimir straight in the eye,” said President Biden in a haunting whisper. “I told him, I said – ‘Vlady boy, I know you’re going to invade Ukraine. I know, because every major news network in the world says so. So let’s get one thing straight. I’m okay with it. I don’t like Ukrainians with all their borscht, it upsets my tummy. But that oil company pays Hunter $50K a month, and do you know how expensive art lessons are these days, Vlad? You lay one finger on Burisma’s boardroom, and so help me I will nuke Stalingrad.'”

Ukrainian officials were reportedly caught off guard, and a little perturbed, by President Biden’s approval of them being invaded. “I thought we were friends. I gave him all that borscht,” said President Zelensky. “What even is a ‘minor invasion’? Is this some American term I don’t know? I thought I heard him say that before about a woman named Tara Reade. Get me my translator!”

Elsewhere, Chinese officials announced they were happy to hear that President Biden would be in support of their performing a “minor invasion” into Taiwan. Afghanis thanked President Biden for allowing the Taliban to only perform a minor takeover, and January 6th rioters asked to have their breaking into the Capitol re-classified as a “minor incursion”.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved. A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!