The latest episode of the CoWORK reality show tackles the latest in challenging issues. Beautiful people, towel boys, workcations and predictive analysis. Introducing the “Dream Board.”
- Any object, typically a blanket, garment or stuffed animal that is used simply for its comforting characteristics.
- A term of endearment.
- A fictional character, usually physically attractive, who is put under constant stress and angst so as to create emotional attachment.
- A poncho liner.
Most veterans remember using a poncho and poncho liner because they kept us warm and dry when in the field. Our friends at Art 15 Clothing have done a very funny video about the military poncho liner (a.k.a. woobie). A woobie a day keeps the doctor away.
Burger King is aggressively taking the lead in the LGBT market place with its new “Proud Whopper.”
The NTEB News Desk reports, “The new offering from fast food giant Burger King is called The Proud Whopper, and it comes in a rainbow colored wrapper with the tagline ‘We Are All The Same Inside’ when you open it up. USA Today reports that the move also demonstrates BK’s desire to stay connected to its base of Millennial customers. Gay rights is an issue that reverberates strongly with many Millennials both inside and outside the U.S. Burger King also was a sponsor of San Francisco’s gay pride parade. [Fernando] Machado [senior vice president of global brand management at Burger King] says that’s the first time Burger King has sponsored a gay pride parade in the U.S., though it may have sponsored some outside the country.”
We have requested comments about the “Proud Whopper” from President Obama, Elton John, Pope Francis and the Presbyterian Church. Pope Francis responded with “who am I to judge.” The White House issued a statement that the first the President heard about this was on the Drudge Report.
We have already received comments from LGBT activists that Burger King needs to re-brand itself as “Burger Queen.”
Wendy’s is ramping up their 1984 “Where’s the Beef?” TV campaign to counter Burger King’s millennial move. Wendy’s is looking for a non-Millennial to star in their new TV ads, which featured character actress Clara Peller. Elderly cross dressers need not apply, sorry Robin Williams (a.k.a. Mrs. Doubtfire)!
It is rumored that McDonald’s is considering renaming its “Happy Meal” the McDonald’s “Gay Meal”. The children’s Gay Meal comes with a free Elton John “action figure” for little boys and either a Ellen DeGeneres or Rosie O’Donnell action figure for little girls. We asked McDonald’s why only one action figure choice for little boys, they have not returned our phone call as of the publishing of this column. McDonald’s may also re-brand the Super-sized Big Mac as the “LGBigT Meal.” Ronald McDonald will now become Ronna McDonald. Ronald is protesting his unexpected firing by suing under the Equal Opportunity Employment Act. Eric Holder is expected to weigh in the case — on the side of Ronna, a transgender.
The Proud Whopper label seems a bit obtuse, as does the tagline “We Are All The Same Inside”. The Proud Whopper begs for a new name and tagline. So, we are asking our readers to help us with a new name and tagline for Burger King’s Proud Whopper.
We ask that submissions be added to the comments section of this column. Please no profanity or bullying.
We have already gotten several suggestions: The S&G Burger (Sodom and Gomorrah Burger), the S&M Burger and from our readers in the United Kingdom, the Bugger Burger. A new tagline is suggested: Have it YOUR Way!
The winning name and tagline will be sent to Fernando Machado, senior Vice-President of Global Brand Management at Burger King, for consideration. Machado is based in Miami, FL. According to his Linked In profile, “He is most proud of the work he did for Pond’s, Vaseline and Dove.” Vaseline? Really? It doesn’t get any better than this.
The winner of the contest for the best name and tagline will ALSO receive one free meal at the Chick-Fil-A of their choice.
Hey America, as promised in Episode 8, we tracked down Mr. Sami Al-Arian-owitz and interviewed him at the 2014 CPAC event in the Washington DC area. Yes, The United West has figured out how to travel back in time but the important point is that this Muslim Brotherhood Imam is Grover Norquist’s number one supporter.
So as we continue on with our hard-hitting investigative series, The Wizard of “K” Street, exposing Grover Norquist as an ideological enemy of the state we add to our in-depth research a little bit of our classic, “edutainment.”
Of course we want you be persuaded by the evidence against Grover, proving that he is NOT the super-conservative he makes himself out to be, but we also want you smile a little bit at the absurdity of how far the Wizard of “K” Street’s spell is cast over so many Congress members.
Folks, it’s time to give Grover his retirement gold watch and let him finally make his long desired Hajj.
As we move through this micro-series you will see how Norquist’s nefarious work impacts YOU on a daily basis in the areas of: IMMIGRATION, ISLAM, ISRAEL, IRAN
We at Masterpiece Theatre take pride in having changed the meaning of “masterpiece” to a bit of wretched sitcom fluff steeped in legendary English history to be sold to our amply paid agents at American Public Broadcasting. And now we bring our act to an even higher level with a collection of Masterpiece Porno Shows, featuring the very masterful actors and actresses in our cunning exports.
Politely designed to be shown only after midnight to avoid the gaze of the kiddies, we feature in our very masterful masterpieces done by such masters of masterful mastering in the style of the late Anthony Trollope, a covey of well-larded British oldsters freckling in the gardens of the very posh town houses in which we set our bathetic dramas.
You will find them at least as casually masterful in their amorousness as they are in their equally masterful depictions of the glories of the English class system. Are these ancient crones mostly beyond mere puerile comeliness? Perhaps they are, what of it? Are they dead? Probably not.
We are engaged here not in life or death, nor rank scholastic aesthetics, but in penetrating the America Public Broadcasting System to persuade the aging armies of formally educated innocents and dupes, rife in your swinish moors, bogs, and Academic baronies, that the American Revolution had never happened.
What better place to do it, after all, than planting our Tory faithful copulating within unctuous machines for pretense, wafting their electronic ecstasies on a supposedly prestigious television channel, one paid for amply, if hardly all that happily, by cozened American taxpayers?
You can’t blame us Brits for doing what we do well: among other things, pretense. You can’t even castigate us for pretending on American television that the American revolution never happened. If the Americans take up that pretense, why shouldn’t we?
We don’t ever give you Shakespeare or anyone who is a real English master in our most masterful masterpieces. We don’t even give you the reliably dogged Anthony Trollope. We give you cabbage-strewn fare worthy of Moe, Larry and Curly sporting obesely thick English accents.
You don’t need to be an Anglophile to enjoy our Masterpiece Porno Theatre – a scooped out empty head and the lack of appreciation for America and its freedoms will do jolly well. If you’re indeed a properly educated bloke, by George, you poor Yankee, you are usually damned happy to get it.
For the first fifty viewers with a Ph.D. to watch Masterpiece Porno Theatre we will rush you an authentic gooseberry crumpet and a frothing cup of excellent and strong Indian tea.
This week Capital One has established a new unilateral partnership with the People’s Cube, with the purpose of creating catchy and spectacular advertising materials. The first rule in such a unilateral partnership is that one partner doesn’t let the other partner know anything about it. The second rule is that the other partner doesn’t get any of the proceeds from the resulting revenues.
In practical terms that means that Capital One produces their ads based on the People’s Cube material, and we at the People’s Cube find out about it on Facebook from an alert reader who sends us a link.
The first ad resulting from our exciting new partnership with Capital One features a gloriously red People’s Cube on a rough wooden surface, under the caption, “It just got easy.”
We can only guess what the next Capital One ad will be, but we expect our members to post their suggestions in what may become a very productive and successful unilateral partnership with Capital One.
On our part, laborers at various People’s Cube departments have already enthusiastically signed different kinds of improvised one-sided contracts with Capital One, many of them in triplicate and notarized in red pencil, stating that they don’t want to hear anything about Capital One using their work, demanding that they never be contacted by Capital One representatives, nor receive any compensation for their selfless toil for the Common Good™ in the field of visual agitation and propaganda.
We have scheduled a spontaneous celebration of this historic development at 21:00 behind the tractor barn. Many a rationing coupon is expected to be redeemed tonight to ensure an uninterrupted flow of beet vodka, stale bread, and pickled beet products. And by all means, bring your own beets!
This looks like the beginning of a beautiful unilateral friendship.
RELATED ARTICLE: Unsecured Yet Easy Credit Cards to Qualify For
While some undoubtedly ignorant people today made much ado about the nothing engendered in the Vatican’s redundant elevation of two dead old white males into so-called “sainthood”, reasonable people are asking a more important question: “Why was Barack Obama ignored?”
“It is obviously blatant racism,” said a non-white Hispanic writer for the famous and intellectually impressive New York Times. “After all,” he added with less outrage than we had expected, “Obama won a NOBEL PRIZE FOR CHRISSAKES! If THAT doesn’t qualify him for sainthood, what the hell does?”
“And by the way,” he continued with more outrage than we had expected, “why the hell are you asking a MALE writer? Why don’t you talk to some WOMYN, you sexist neanderthal?”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) stated for the record, “This proves what I’ve been saying since I thought of it a couple of minutes ago,” Reid said. “The Catholic Church is nothing but another front for the Koch Brothers. ‘Koch’ and ‘Pope’ are both spelled with 4 letters with an ‘o’ as the second letter. Do I have to draw you a picture?”
Surprised by the controversy, apologists for the Catholic Church were quick to proffer the weak excuse that candidates must have miracles attributed to them, somehow implying that this requirement would rule Obama out.
But even these non-believers have to concede that Obama’s mere election to the presidency in mean, racist America was a divine event in itself, a supernatural occurrence only overshadowed by Saint Barack’s greatest wonder of all, the Miracle of Free Healthcare for Everyone (aka the Affordable Care Act.)
According to MSNBC’s resident expert on religion, “The ACA beats that loaves and fishes thing Jesus did by a mile.”
In midtown San Francisco, a grassroots religious activist whom we inadvertently awakened from midday meditation induced by medicinal marihuana, offered this blunt assessment: “What did these John Pope guys that the Catholics are all worked up about do? Fix a couple of broken fingers? Barack Obama raised a whole car company from the dead! Yeah, GM is alive and Osama is dead! In your face, John Pope!”
But while distressing in the short term, the anger and outrage Americans are feeling at today’s slight by the Vatican may ultimately be a blessing in disguise. Analysts think it may finally bring about a much needed reassessment of the role played by some of the traditional so-called religions in our daily lives.
Perhaps it is time that the country dispenses with the practice of archaic, superstitious religious practices funded by right-wing billionaires and institutes a state-administered people’s religious tradition where saints can be democratically elected instead of chosen by a racist, homophobic oligarchy. Not only will this bring about more diversity in the ranks of those declared to be saints but will allow non-religious people, long excluded from taking part in canonical activities, a greater voice in the way in these affairs are governed.
After all, why fool around with a sort-of-god when you can have the real thing?
First Breitbart and then Time reported earlier today that mysterious photoshopped posters of Ted Cruz, showing the Texas Republican senator shirtless, with edgy tattoos, smoking a cigarette, were plastered around various locations in Los Angeles, like the Beverly Hilton Hotel, late Thursday night.
Time Magazine writes: Of course, Cruz is tattooed in poster form only. Some mischief-maker posted his photoshopped (we think!) image around town ahead of a speaking engagement for the congressmen at Beverly Hills’ Claremont Institute. The event was scheduled for Saturday night.
Likely a prank, the stunt prompted a tongue-and-cheek response from the Senator:
They think it’s prank? How much do we know about Ted Cruz, really? Could it be that this picture is actually a selfie texted from his phone to a mysterious Tea Party knockout, and his official bio is nothing more than a fictionalized alternative reality?
According to our sources, Ted Cruz is actually a twin brother of Chuck Norris, and his powers extend beyond the realm of what can be grasped by mere mortals.
We know for a fact that…
– When Al Gore invented the Internet, his inbox already contained three unread emails from Ted Cruz.
– Ted Cruz has a quadruple citizenship in the U.S., Canada, Middle-earth and Westeros.
– If you superimpose Ted Cruz’s fingerprints, the resulting image will be the Seal of the President of the United States.
– When Ted Cruz got bit by a rattle snake, the snake had to sign up for Obamacare but couldn’t get through the login screen and died after a week of pain and agony in front of the computer.
– Ted Cruz has already won the presidential election in 2016 with a roundhouse kick in the polls; the pollsters just haven’t developed the technology to look that far into the future.
More facts and documentary footage to follow.
C. Blogunov is in Sochi, Russian Federation, reporting for the People’s Cube, ensuring all sports receive equal coverage, and indulging in bad sports puns. Today we interview Betty-Mae Ferguson, daughter of Olympic legend Lamar Ferguson. In today’s extraordinary events, she made history by winning gold for the United States for the first time in the women’s biathlon 7.5 kilometer sprint, as well as breaking up what turned out to be an ill-timed terror attack when Chechen rebels opened fire on the venue.
Blogunov: Betty-Mae, let me congratulate on your gold medal and on stopping a terrorist attack by Chechen rebels when they opened fire on the competitors in your event.
Betty-Mae: Oh, yeah. Let me tell yew, I never been so mad in all my life as when I was gettin’ ready to hit five for five, and just then they started shootin’ all over the place. One of ’em had a RPK, just like Daddy uses fer dear huntin’, and he hit the stock on my rifle and messed up my fourth shot! I didn’t practice fer six years just to lose to somethin’ like that, and I had one round left in the magazine, and there was no question in my mind where it was goin’. Now he had the firepower, that’s fer sure, so I knew I had to make it count. Anyway, I took him out, and serve him right, too.
Blogunov: There’s another good shot in your family as I understand.
Betty-Mae: You mean my brother, Claude. Yeah, he’s an Army sniper. He even held the record for the longest kill in Afghanistan for a little while. We been shootin’ since we was kids.
Blogunov: But back to the story of today. What happened after you killed the man with the RPK?
Betty-Mae: Well, then I seen another man with a grenade launcher, like the one Daddy goes fishin’ with, so I changed magazines right quick and he went down next.
Blogunov: At that point, it seems from the video footage that everything changed and it really started going badly for the terrorists. Tell us about that.
Betty-Mae: I’ll never fergit it – long as I live. Them Chechens was all confused when all of a sudden up stands Olga Vilukhina wavin’ her rifle over her head, and shoutin’, “Rodina!” and something that sounded like, “Attack!” Then right next to me, Tora Berger’s up on her skis ‘n’ starts screamin’, “Til Valhall! Til Valhall!” Well, I tell yew what, I was pumped. I was up and shrieking a Rebel yell that ain’t been heard from a Ferguson since Chancellorsville. We was all on our skis ’cause we wasn’t lettin’ none of ’em git away.
Blogunov: And none survived. Now you and your father are known for coolness under pressure, but some observers say you appeared a little unhinged.
Betty-Mae: (blushing slightly) Well, we was all madder ‘n’ wet hens, let me tell yew. But, uh, I don’t like to mention nothin’ too intimate, but this time of the month is usually a bad time for me, anyway. I reckon that’ why I scalped two of ’em.
Blogunov: And then what happened after the attack had been defeated?
Betty-Mae: Hey, we was there to win, and all us been trainin’ forever for this event, so we went back to it. I reckon we all woulda had better times, but we was interrupted like you know.
Blogunov: Well, you finished the course and came in first getting gold for America for the first time in the Women’s Biathlon.
Betty-Mae: Well, God’s good and it was sech a blessin’ to win fer my country.
Blogunov: I understand two presidents called you.
Betty-Mae: Oh, yeah, our president called to congratulate me fer comin’ outta the closet with my domestic partner or some such thang. I told him he musta been thinkin’ ’bout someone else, and he hung up on me. But ol’ Mr. Putin, now that’s a diff’rent story. He invited me ‘n’ Daddy ‘n’ Mamma ‘n’ Claude on a tour of Russia, and git this, he’s gonna show us some o’ his bear wrasslin’ moves!
Blogunov: Well, you’ve certainly earned the gratitude of both nations. Your country, and I’m sure your family, are all very proud of you.
Betty-Mae Ferguson: Daddy sent me a text. Said he was holdin’ back tears o’ pride. It was real sweet o’ him.
Blogunov: Olympic blood seems to run in your family. What was it like growing up with your father who is himself an Olympic champion, who took gold twice in the Men’s quarter acre lawn mowing event in Beijing, and then again in London before retiring?
Betty-Mae: Daddy was always real modest about it, but he sure did work hard. He was doin’ yard work four hours a day, ‘cept Sundays. He was always up early workin’ out and gettin’ in shape and all. We did miss him when he was away in Athens, or Beijing, or London, but we and the rest o’ the trailer park was always so proud to see him up thar on that medal platform.
Blogunov: There was another influence. I understand his rival on the field and personal friend, Mr. Rodriguez, was often a guest in the Ferguson home.
Betty-Mae: Oh, you mean Uncle Pedro! We just love him. Him and Daddy was always talkin’ ’bout the games, and Uncle Pedro done real good when he coached the Mexican Men’s Synchronized Landscaping team to victory in London. That’s where Daddy got his last gold medal ‘fore retirin’. Anyway, I was just thrilled hearin’ ’em goin’ on about the games, and I started dreamin’ that maybe I could do somethin’ like that, too. Daddy and Momma was always encouragin’ me, and I trained real hard. We all was so happy when I qualified fer the Olympic team.
Blogunov: He also generated some controversy in London when he came out and announced that he and your mother were straight.
Betty-Mae: I remember that. Daddy didn’t mean to make nothin’ about that; it’s just who he is and what he believes.
Blogunov: We wish you well in your future, and we’ve all had “Sochi” good time watching you.
Betty-Mae: Aw, that’s a good ‘un! Thank yew, so much.
My wife put me onto this hilarious series of ads about a new innovation introduced by the Suburban Auto Group – The Trunk Monkey. The Trunk Monkey is the newest and best feature in select high end models of US automobiles. It is not approved by either the US Department of Transportation or PETA.
Have fun watching The Official Trunk Monkey Trilogy.
Comrades, our beloved First Lady’s 50th birthday is today, or tomorrow, or some time this weekend. But whenever it is, we can make every day her birthday by doing the exact same stuff she does!
I present for your consideration the following link from ABC News:
First Lady Michelle Obama turns 50 today, and although the big White House celebration planned by President Obama isn’t until Saturday, that doesn’t mean you have to wait to celebrate.
If your invite to Saturday’s dance party in Washington went missing, here are 50 other ways to honor the first lady on her big day — by doing some of her favorite things, from wearing stylish dresses to eating your veggies to doing the Dougie, preferably with Jimmy Fallon.
But we needn’t limit ourselves to 50. How many other ways can we honor the greatest First Lady to ever grace humanity by pretending to do what she does? I’ll even get things started:
1. Shop at Target and don’t worry about hackers stealing your credit info. After all, it’s not as if you’re spending your own hard-earned money.
2. When escaping the bubble to go incognito among the masses, never dress to blend in. Always wear the most outrageous get-up that will make you stand out like a big red zit on prom night. And always warn media outlets in advance of what you’re doing so they’ll respect your privacy by staying away.
3. Go sleeveless, even when most of the country is freezing, because you can jack up your thermostat as high as you want. Or just stay in Hawaii a few extra weeks.
4. Tell other people to eat their vegetables.
5. Have your staff plant a garden, then make them tend it. Never do it yourself unless the cameras are rolling.
6. Wear $450 shoes with sparkly pink toe caps while appearing for a photo-op at a homeless shelter.
7. Travel to military installations where you’ll tie up traffic and shut down most facilities to make speeches about how you really care about military families.
8. Empathize with the military wife whose husband is deployed to a war zone by talking about how tough you had it in your Chicago mansion with all those people to do things for you while your husband was in Springfield or Washington and only came home every weekend.
9. For the first time in your life, be proud of your country because they finally nominated a candidate based on his skin color instead his qualifications.
10. Tell someone else to give up their own piece of pie.
11. Sit between your husband and the Danish prime minister to stop them from flirting with each other.
12. Go on all those silly women’s talk shows to gab about all the things you dream of doing after you go back to being a private citizen in 2017—none of which seem any different from what you’re doing now.
13. Whine about what a huge sacrifice it is to be the most privileged woman in America.
14. Just keep on dancing…and partying…and shopping…and spending…and living it up on other people’s money!
EDITORS NOTE: This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.
Earlier media reports that President Obama executed his half-uncle Onyango Obama by feeding him to hungry dogs are probably not true, a new report says.
The original story, which grotesquely claimed that Barack Obama’s half-uncle and half-aunt, Onyango (Omar) Obama and Zeituni “Auntie” Onyango, had been thrown into a cage and eaten alive by a pack of ravenous hounds, first appeared in The Pyongyang Times, a North Korean tabloid circulated in hotel lobbies, airports, and other places frequented by foreigners.
Given the newspaper’s close ties to the North Korean government, analysts believe the article had been planted by the dictatorial regime as a retribution for disseminating a similar story earlier this year, about North Korean leader Kim Jong-un’s own uncle being executed by dogs – an allegation that was widely circulated in the United States by The People’s Cube and other leading media organs.
In particular, The Pyongyang Times editorial stated that Barack Obama was getting increasingly frustrated with his two feckless relatives, who lived in the U.S. illegally, didn’t pay taxes, sponged off America’s housing, healthcare and welfare systems under multiple names, incessantly complained, got arrested repeatedly, and caused all kinds of trouble, thus tarnishing his otherwise impeccable reputation and stellar political career, which was why Obama decided to feed them to the dogs.
That turns out to be not true: latest reports indicate that Uncle Omar and Auntie Zeituni are still receiving government assistance.
According to the Pyongyang story, the President’s symbolic calls for the prosecution of his relatives and other attempts to distance himself from them didn’t work. So when Obama saw a report about Kim Jong-un feeding his own crazy uncle to the dogs, he knew what he had to do.
A firm believer that people overseas always know better and have superior customs and political systems, President Obama decided it was time to break with the barbaric tradition of throwing people under the bus and start executing them in style, according to these new international norms. The North Korean report further quoted him as saying, “I wish I hadn’t thrown my preacher, Jeremiah Wright, and my white grandmother under the bus; I could now feed them to the dogs.”
The Pyongyang Times editorial alleges that Barack Obama had his Uncle Omar and Auntie Zeituni delivered to an underground chamber beneath the White house, where he let a pack of dogs attack them until they had been completely eaten. The event was said to have been supervised by President Obama himself, along with his 300 czars, political consultants, campaign staff, and one OFA activist who had donated $3 and won a ticket to visit the White House.
Obama was later “greatly dismayed,” the article claims, when he discovered that the story about Kim Jong-un’s uncle’s execution by dogs was merely a satire originating in China. “Boy, do I have egg on my face!” he was quoted as saying.
Barack Obama, believed to be around 53 years old and born in Hawaii, has been in power for five years and presided over a fundamental transformation of his country into an isolated dictatorship, while tightening his grip on the media, conducting total surveillance of citizens, and persecuting political opposition, The Pyongyang Times editorial claimed, adding that he also “planned and carried out a failed launch of a government website, which is banned under United Nations sanctions.”
The list of accusations included Obama’s persistent military threats and fiery rhetoric that have triggered an arms buildup in Mexico, Central America, and the Middle East.
The fictitious story of Obama feeding his uncle to the dogs was quickly picked up by global news agencies, creating an image that Washington’s audacious ruler is even more unpredictable than previously thought.
According to international observers, one of the pitfalls of reporting on Washington is the absence of independent media, while visiting media are tightly controlled in a city which ranks among the lowest in global surveys of press freedom. Because of the lack of first-hand information, many lurid stories about the Obama regime gain credence and are then repeated by media outlets worldwide.
The Pyongyang Times plans to capitalize on Washington’s lack of transparency even further, promising to publish a series of exposés concerning Barack Obama’s birth certificate, college transcripts, drug abuse, ties to radicals, and membership in uptown Chicago gay bath houses – all of which is being vehemently denied by Washington’s state-run media.
As expected, White House officials declined to comment.
Here are our Top Twelve Things that Didn’t Happen in 2013:
- November designated Ignorance Awareness Month; apathetic public doesn’t care
- Space-time expansion accelerates; clock faces change to 13 hours
- Y2K finally kicks in, is blamed for healthcare.gov glitches
- Rhetoric reaches tipping point, grows exponentially, hits wall, goes over cliff, crashes and burns
- Newer Testament released, Commandments replaced with Executive Orders
- Government worker discovers untapped debt hidden in Capitol’s debt ceiling
- Post-modern era ends, neo-post-retro-revival era begins
- Hell’s Angels sue Wall Street to get 1% label back, Wall Street retaliates by selling Harley-Davidson to China
- More climate data lost due to a growing number and intensity of memory holes
- To raise revenue government begins charging for formerly free speech
- Tired old clichés replaced with fresh new clichés
- Earth’s magnetic field reverses, the South rises again
Things not likely to happen in 2014:
- A headline that reads “Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved.”
What is likely to happen in 2014:
- All numbers will be in binary and ahl speling wil bee dun funnetiklee.
Hahpee 11101101010, komradz!
Our friend, Mary Grabar, Ph.D., wraps up the year for The People’s Cube kollektive with this cultural fantasy.
Consider 2013 the year of the Apocalypse, as movie-goers spend the last of their dollars on a dramatization of a teen novel and its sequel with futuristic gladiatorial contests. The doomsday atmosphere is, no doubt, brought about by the Republican threats to destroy the country. Make no mistake, they can do it just by saying certain words, as we were reminded on the 50th anniversary of the Kennedy assassination, which was caused by the “extremist rhetoric” in Texas.
Going beyond uncivil words, Republicans forced the Democrats to vote for cloture, having Obama sign a bill that had not one Republican vote. In a blatant display of “ideological intransigence,” Republicans were closing hospitals and blocked the expansion of Medicaid funds, as Sally Kohn claimed on CNN.com, in a story that started with “The Obamacare website is open for business.”
According to Paul Krugman, Republicans were Scrooges causing 1.3 million American workers to lose unemployment benefits around Christmas “thanks to a perfect marriage of callousness – a complete lack of empathy for the unfortunate – with bad economics.” Ruth Marcus gave Paul Ryan the Scrooge of the Year Award, and Leon Panetta declared the Republican Congress “the most difficult I’ve seen in 50 years of public service.”
The apocalyptic tone was set by Maureen Dowd, the granddame of visionary writing at theNew York Times. Inspired by the Hunger Games, Ms. Dowd let her imagination run wild into the future, envisioning our nation’s post-sequester capital in 2084. (The model city of Detroit, in contrast, shows us how Democratic policies can succeed in the absence of Republican opposition.)
Upon reading Ms. Dowd’s column, this columnist too let her imagination run: what will our future look like if we let the academics and New York Times columnists run our world and make our decisions for us, I thought. The transformation would truly be fundamental. For an inspiring back story, read Ms. Dowd’s inspiring column, Welcome to Ted Cruz’s Thunderdome.
The Coming Apocalypse: Republicans’ Hunger Games
A chimp sits where Abe sat at a place once called the Lincoln Memorial. Under the reign of the Obama-Clinton dynasty in the year of Our Goddess 2084, all species are equal. So sayeth Peter Singer and Cass Sunstein.
Why should we privilege linear thought and language that signifies? The howls of the chimp convey more meaning than the Gettysburg Address to the younger-aged humans here on a civic engagement field trip to the capital of the True Community Democracy. Common Core dictates a common style of reading of all “texts”–the EPA directives that have saved the Planet are as important as a president presiding over a civil war. But if war is something that need not be remembered, do we need to keep open veterans monuments? The Leader in 2084 in his wisdom simply dispatches drones to eliminate those who disrupt the Peace Plan. We have no need for war, no need for veterans. The veterans memorials have been razed for statuaries of Che, Hugo Chavez, the Ayatollah Khomeini, Medea Benjamin, and Oprah. And of special interest to students: Bill Ayers in marble stands atop the old flag, thrusting a dagger into a recumbent Bill Bennett.
When the chimp from Abe’s chair hurls feces at the field trip group, the children turn to their facilitator who explains through her face covering that one type of communication should not be privileged over another. The hemisphere has adopted Helene Cixous’s precepts. Speech is no longer “governed by the phallus,” no longer seeks truth in its old linear, logical, goal-oriented manner. When little Barrachus (for many are the variants of Barack the First) starts to cry when the chimp feces hits him, the facilitator praises him for his authentic communication. “Barrachus, I am so proud of you,” she says, “You are finally coming around to interspecies communication and getting in touch with your feminine side. All hail to the Goddess and her daughters.”
When they return to their learning-community centers, and before the facilitator-aides tuck them into bed with a glass of soymilk and wheat-germ/molasses bran bars (all hail to the First Lady of Health, foremother Michelle Obama, who has wiped out obesity once and for all), they will discuss the significance of this act in their groups.
The facilitator now comes to wipe the chimp shit from the sense-o-meter strapped to Barrachus’s neck. The devices directly transmit to the Gates-Pearson-Hewlitt Center any social or emotional adjustment problems. The younger-aged get feedback on the readings every night in their groups, where they are encouraged to confess non-acceptance and cry with relief. Group hugs are mandatory. Those refusing are known as bullies and are sent to the Southern Poverty Law Center for re-education.
“This is herstory,” their facilitator reminds her young charges as she points to the monuments. The chimp has now shifted his attention and is quietly concentrating on a mid-torso flea.
The facilitator then points to a group of women in burqas who take small steps like pensive nuns. “This is the Truth Team,” she says. Through their cloth screens they affirm to each other, “Be the change, sister.” They have emerged from the Ministry of Truth and Change, where they have been correcting truths, all maintained in the computers of the Minister of Education, Bill Gates.
From the National Mosque comes the call to prayer. All drop to the mulch-paved ground and bow towards Mecca.
When prayers are done a tall one says to a short one, “Blessed be the liberation.” “Yes, all praise to Allah,” says the short one.
They are thankful for the new Freedoms instituted by beloved Leader. They have freedom from anxiety and worry, thanks to the Department of Mental Health and Welfare. They have freedom from argument, debate, and polarizing talk radio. But most importantly for the female-gendered, they are no longer oppressed by the gaze.
They are the cloned daughters of the childless foremothers, when the first Barack had decreed that cloning of the “thought leaders of America” would be covered under universal health care. Hence, Peter Singer and Cass Sunstein still live.
These women see each others’ faces only in their quarters (as do the community security on their cameras). One has the washed-out look of a 1970s Playboy bunny. The other has the pinched look of a bitter columnist, of someone who resents the fact that the approved mode of communication is non-linear. No longer does she enjoy power in a large building in Manhattan (for it now is a model organic city under Bill de Blasio, maintained by Central American peasants who work two hours each day to raise free-range pigs and chickens).
No longer does the columnist sit at a keyboard, delighting in her transgressive wit, chuckling over insults about the powerful politicos with zingers that zap all the pretenses of the male-gendered, word for signifying word. Now above her cubicle, identified by a red heart, is engraved the inspirational line from Cixous’s 1975 “Laugh of the Medusa,” a text once reserved for the super smart in English graduate seminars: “Language conceals an invincible adversary, because it’s the language of men and their grammar.” It has now been made accessible to all by Dr. Linda Darling-Hammond, Secretary of Non-Testing, who has ended the “achievement gap.”
For those who are auditory learners, there are recordings that trill out the sayings of the foremothers Cixous, Julia Kristeva, and Betty Friedan in Spanish, Arabic, and English. The former columnist must communicate in the feminine mode now. But shuffling truths into piles indicated by pictograms on the computer screen just does not provide the same kind of satisfaction for her. She cannot even snidely compare the Commanders of the Faithful of the classic, The Handmaid’s Tale, to old white men of the Grand Old Party.
The question of the columnist’s own classic tome Are Men Necessary? has been answered. Roman columns line the paths in dedication to Barack Hussein Obama, the first Mufti, Hillary, the first womyn president, her daughter, the second womyn president, Huma Abadeen, the first Muslim Brotherhood Secretary, Oprah Winfrey, the first Race Relations Secretary.
The columnist casts her eye through the slits, surveying the utopian scene and then to the Museum of the Old Patriarchal Order, where the bad guys, Ronald Reagan, George Washington, Allen West, are preserved in wax. There the younger-aged are shown images of hate-filled ancestors: the tea party, VFW, Eagle Forum, and the Rotary Club—all eliminated. Most of the members were old already, anyway. They expired at their computers, waiting for the health care exchanges to accept their applications.
The facilitator of the young scholars (whose wisdom is within them) wipes a tear from her eye and then laughs hysterically. She suddenly shouts at the top of her lungs: “Hate is gone. No more hate. Universal love!” (This is not unusual in the Age of Authentic Communication when feelings are no longer repressed.)
The facilitator begins dancing like a dervish, laughing and crying tears of joy. For the Founding Mother, Helene Cixous, wrote, “Listen to a woman speak at a public gathering (if she hasn’t painfully lost her wind). She doesn’t speak, she throws her trembling body forward; she lets go of herself, she flies; all of her passes into her voice, and it’s with her body that she vitally supports the ‘logic’ of her speech. Her flesh speaks true. She lays herself bare. In fact, she physically materializes what she’s thinking; she signifies it with her body.”
The flea has been squashed. The chimp jumps off Lincoln’s chair. He joins her in the dance. He screeches and jumps up and down.
The facilitator cries out, “Oh, the universal dance of interspecies peace. Come my fellow primate. Let us commune.”
She holds out her arms in the interspecies signal of peace.
The chimp jumps up and down even higher, baring big yellow teeth, as he gives an ear-splitting chimp cry. Then with a huge hairy hand he rips off the facilitator’s face-covering.
And there is revealed Womyn, someone who at one time may have used the oppressive language of the patriarchy, burdened with facts, and an oppressive unjust “history.” Or she could have dealt with capital and money that robbed other citizens of the globe, for profit, in a very un-maternal way.
At one time Womyn had been burdened with lookism, with doing her hair and make-up before going into the public arena, concerned about what the male-gendered thought of her appearance. She had been burdened with worries about right and wrong, how to schedule her day, and how to walk in high heels. That was so much like Sarah Palin, who was also burdened with the care of her own progeny, before the 24-hour community center-schools (all hail to Arne Duncan).
The former columnist of the old patriarchal communicative form, as she stands with her sisters, peers from behind her own cloth shield and ponders as she watches the primate/primal dance. She ponders in spite of her belief in the New Community Order, when all such burdensome activities as weighing evidence and checking for logic are provided by the Sister State. She ponders in spite of the mental health warnings emerging daily about such risky activity, once done in logic classes.
In the old days she would have pondered freely and for hours about how to express herself, how to figuratively throw monkey feces at the Enemy. But now the Enemy, Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld and their followers, have been killed off. “Figuratively” has no meaning. Nor does “irony.” She thinks hard. Her face becomes even more pinched and sour under her covering. What is there to mock now, now that there are no more College Republicans even with their pathetic and ineffectual affirmative action campus bake sales?
She looks upon the scene, with the little learners, all equally capable, all geniuses, now that facilitators have learned how to draw out their innate intelligence. They stand open-mouthed, horrified.
The ape is becoming more excited as the facilitator dances faster and faster. The columnist notices that in spite of communicating in a manner that goes beyond “phallic mystification,” the chimp does have a phallus.
But the facilitator does not seem to notice. She is dancing the Universal Dance of Peace, her bare face now thrown up towards the overcast, humid sky. She has faith–faith that under the New Order all conflict can be eliminated, even interspecies conflict, through such authentic communication. It is a new era.
The former columnist looks on, now trying to repress her look of fear, squelching an urge to comfort the little scholars now looking stricken as the chimp jumps closer to their facilitator. Rainbow, a smallish female-gendered person, begins to cry.
The former columnist cannot help herself, and emits what is now forbidden in the time of Universal Peace: a bitter smirk. She lets out a cackle, like an old witch.
The chimp turns at the new, strange sound and leaps away from the facilitator towards her.
The former columnist watches the hairy hand come closer to her face. Then she roars as she never did before, for she is Womyn.
A national campaign in support of Phil Robertson has asked me to do some promotional banners.
It all started when Mrs. Red Square, who is a HUGE fan of Duck Dynasty, decided to participate in a December 24th national conference call to strategize the defense. At some point she started talking into the phone and the next thing I knew, she volunteered my graphic services for their campaign of mailing thousands of rubber ducks and postcards to A&E studios.
More about this action on WND: Send message to A&E: Censorship won’t work
Here are the banners I made so far (including the one above):
These cards and many other satirical columns may be found at The Peoples Cube.