God Responds to Lawsuit Against the Word “Sin”

america duck yeah

For a larger view click on image. Courtesy of The Peoples Cube.

“I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other.” – Intolerant, bigoted hick, Phil Robertson

With the fires barely extinguished on their Barilla pasta boxes, GLAAD has found a new victim to harass: Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty.

GLAAD’s beef with Phil is that Phil’s Bible says the gay lifestyle is “sinful.” Phil does not use the New Progressive Bible co-authored by GLAAD and other liberals, but instead chooses to study the outdated traditional Bible.

This is a big deal, because everyone in this country must have a religion that embraces gayness. New, approved Groupthink™ teaches that as long as the parties involved LOVE each other, it doesn’t matter what God says. All religions must comply to receive tax-exempt status (Muslims excluded).

Phil calmly responded, “I didn’t write the Bible. If you have a problem with the Bible, take it up with the Lord.”

GLAAD then filed an Offensive Religion lawsuit against God for the continued H8 and bigotry implied in the word “sin.” They released the following statement:

“We want God to stop smiting us and our lifestyle. We have dealt with the smiting for centuries and we are done – DONE! God’s orders are very discriminatory and do not progress with the changing times. His morals are inflexible and rigid.”

After the Colorado bakers were forced by the courts to make a cake for a gay wedding, GLAAD was hopeful that the courts could also force God to make a new Bible.

GLAAD asked to be compensated with a new kinder, gentler version of the Bible – novelized over centuries by multiple authors – with a 10% tithe going to sex-change charities.

God, a very high-tech deity, responded to GLAAD through email with an updated PDF of a form that used to circulate around the internet. The People’s Cube was able to get a copy of GLAAD’s response through the Freedom of Information Act:

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Obviously, God is being non-compliant, which presents a problem. If God does not show up in court, the NSA has been authorized to track down God’s IP address through the PDF upload, and bring him in to answer for the global crime of calling gayness a “sin.”

We expect GLAAD will have their panties in a bunch, no matter what the outcome.

EDITORS NOTE: Further investigation has discovered that the PDF submitted by God contains layers that are not consistent with technology used at the time of the writing of the Bible, as well as the fact that back flaps may be the reason behind GLAAD’s panties-in-a-bunch problem. This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Miss Duck Dynasty? Try QUACK DYNASTY with the Obamas

Since A&E’s Duck Dynasty proved to be a lot more popular with Americans than their messianic president, the A&E Network is now working on a substitute series that will be just like the indefinitely suspended Duck Dynasty, only with the Obamas – a progressive Washington family running a growing government business out of the White House while pretending to have American values.

David Axelrod says about the new show, “If this doesn’t improve the President’s failing ratings, nothing will.”

EDITORS NOTE: This column with graphics originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Duck Dynasty’s Robertson Angers Alcoholics, Philanderers

Phil Robertson’s recent controversial comments have drawn criticism from a wide spectrum of offended minorities.

Most inflammatory in his remarks was this infamous passage: “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men…Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

First to weigh in was Patrick O’Malley of the Alliance of Alcoholics and Philanderers. “What is wrong with this man?” asked an astonished O’Malley between sips of whiskey. “Everybody knows this nation was built on alcohol and infidelity. I was hurt more by his comments than my wife when she found out about my 11th affair. I can’t help it if I was born adulterous, and along comes this bigot acting like it’s a choice and a wrong one at that. We have no place for judgmental people like that in today’s society.”

phil robenson suspendedO’Malley’s sentiments were echoed on MSNBC by former president Bill Clinton, who said, “As a fellow Southerner, sportsman, and Christian, I am deeply disappointed by Phil’s hurtful rhetoric. There are serial rapists and adulterers out there who feel really marginalized by this kind of exclusive language. I’m here to tell them that I feel their pain.”

Speaking from the Senate floor this morning, Harry Reid commented, “I especially take offense at his comment that the greedy and the swindlers, and I quote, “won’t inherit the kingdom of God” end quote. Just what authority is he claiming here? One higher than the Senate of the United States? I urge my Republican colleagues to join me in a bipartisan effort to support a bill repealing I Corinthians 6:9 and assuring swindlers their place in Heaven.”

Achmed al-Tikriti, president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance of Muslims (GLAM) spoke out passionately on the Piers Morgan Show: “As a member of the most progressive and tolerant religion on earth, I urge Phil Robertson to reconsider his damaging statements and to declare jihad on his bigotry. It was enough that A&E would not ban “in Jesus’ Name” at their unclean mealtime prayers, but this, this is more than we can bear. By the prophet, the pain is so hurtful! Make it stop!”

A message released by A&E’s Department of Tolerance stated, “We have long been strong and proud supporters of adultery, bestiality, idolatry, drunkenness, greed, slander, and swindling. We deeply regret Mr. Robertson’s slanderous libel against our minority citizens and urge him to shut up until he learns a little tolerance.”

Completely unrepentant, Mr. Robertson says he’s “happy, happy, happy” to take a stand for Christ.

EDITORS NOTE: The column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

US & UK Create New State of Kidnapistan in Southern Syria

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The USSA and her subsidiary, the United Socialist Kingdom, have formed a new state in territory formerly held by the reactionary imperialist regime of Syria, which will henceforth be known as the Islamic Socialist Republic of Kidnapistan.

Once the Jihadi Salafists were categorized as a minority group in Syria, they immediately became eligible for special protection, similar to what the Party and the State extend to minority groups at home. It was decided, therefore, that in the interest of the unity of the word proletariat, the workers and peasants of the Sunni Islamic Fundamentalist minority are entitled to a redistributive state of their own.

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The Supreme Council for International Peace and Security has allocated funding and military assistance to this fledgling peace-loving entity in the Middle East, which will soon outshine all other nations in the region in its commitment to equality and redistributive justice, while maintaining its unique Islamic identity.

It is unclear at this time whether the USSA will assist the soon-to-be-formed government of Kidnapistan in religious cleansing and deportations of the non-Jihadist, non-minority current residents who are not in full compliance with this territory’s new status.

However, the Party has been assured by Comrade John McCain that non-Salafist elements in the area will continue to be shown the same courtesy and kindness that Syria’s progressive Jihadist minority has been long known for.

EDITORS NOTE: This satirical column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Mandela Crashes Obama Johannesburg Appearance

An international incident was touched off yesterday in Johannesburg, South Africa, when a goodwill appearance by President Obama was interrupted by an impromptu funeral.

Mr. Obama was generously posing for souvenir pictures of himself with fawning admirers at the FNB Stadium (Soccer City), when security people rolled in Nelson Mandela’s casket and demanded to have a memorial service. When questioned as to why they were disrupting Mr. Obama’s appearance, the security men offered no explanation aside from “we reserved the stadium last week for this.”

“This kind of thing is a constant problem for Mr. Obama” said one of his staff. “Everyone wants to bask in his sunshine, even the deceased.”

“Then again, it’s not surprising that the life-challenged are attracted to him as he was a fierce advocate for voting rights for the dead when he lived in Chicago.”

Other staff members told us that similar “crashing” incidents have become such an annoyance for the president, he has ordered his staff to avoid having him appear anywhere where there could possibly be a memorial service of a minor political figure going on.

“He was all set to go to London last June when we found out that whats-her-name Thatcher had died,” said a White House travel planner. “We just knew her people would be rolling her casket into the camera shot while Mr. Obama was signing autographs. After all, he won the Nobel Peace Prize. What did she ever do besides running a drug store?”

Reluctantly, the president agreed to cancel the trip. “It was hard to deny London the privilege of being with Barack, but what could he do? Suppose one of those idiots ran over his foot with the hearse; he could’ve been out of action for weeks!”

Despite his staff’s efforts, such episodes are likely to increase as Mr. Obama’s presidency comes to a close with the success of his crowning achievement – universal health care – even as more anonymous, relatively unimportant people continue to die.

Ironically then, Barack Obama finds himself a victim of his own success; but in a racist society like this one, how could it be any other way?

EDITORS NOTE: This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Barack Obama: Son of Promise, Child of Hope

Conceived, developed, and dropped on us from the bowels of Simon & Schuster Books For Young Readers, this beautifully illustrated picture book (hardcover, paperback, and audio) is now available at most public libraries and bookstores, as well as on AmazonBarnes & Noble,KidzWorldScholastic, and even ChristianBook.com.

All of the above sites feature this Simon & Schuster editorial review, or at least parts of it:

Ever since he was a young boy, hope lived inside Barack Obama. Learn about the many places he lived as a child – from the beaches of Hawaii to the streets of Chicago, from the jungles of Indonesia to the plains of Kenya – and how he held on to hope through it all.

Even as a child, Barack knew he wasn’t quite like anyone else. Through his many journeys, he found the ability to listen to hope, follow his dreams and become what he was meant to be: a bridge to bring people of all races, religions and cultural background together in peace and freedom.

This is the moving story of an exceptional man who has motivated not only Americans, but people all over the world to believe with him that ever[sic] one of us has the power to change ourselves and change the world.

Bryan Collier, illustrator,
(Coretta Scott King Award)

Having made its first splash in 2008, this book has only grown in popularity among public school teachers and Common Core aficionados, marking the collective list of required reading material, with lesson plans distributed through teachers’ websites.

This lesson plan, for example, was prepared and distributed by a young and very enthusiastic teacher who, judging by the plan’s Vocabulary Definitions, doesn’t know the difference between verbs, adjectives, adverbs, and nouns, but that’s unimportant – her neglect for the oppressive, patriarchal, and Eurocentric grammar pales in comparison with her immense devotion to the sitting preezy of the United Steezy.

In case you think that the hyperbolic flummery bestowed upon Barack Obama has no precedent in the American tradition and culture, this isn’t the first such collaborative project between Nikki Grimes and Bryan Collier. Thus, when George W. Bush was elected president in 2000, they published a similar book titled George W. Bush: Son of Promise, Child of Hope, which was just as enthusiastically promoted by the Teachers Union members in America’s classrooms.

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And before that Simon & Schuster Books For Young Readers, in close cooperation with The People’s Cube Department of Historical Revisionism and Mandatory Equalization, spearheaded the publication of such popular educational titles as

  • Bill Clinton: Son of Promise, Child of Hope
  • Ronald Reagan: Son of Promise, Child of Hope
  • Jimmy Carter: Son of Promise, Child of Hope
  • Gerald Ford: Son of Promise, Child of Hope
  • Richard Nixon: Son of Promise, Child of Hope

…and so on, going as far back as Calvin Coolidge, Son of Promise, Child of Hope.

EDITORS NOTE: This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

The People’s Cube Was Hacked by George W. Bush

On December 4th this year, the People’s Cube was blocked by most browsers and placed in Google Gulag, leaving the masses of wired workers and peasants without their beloved Party Organ. This was the second blow that the toiling communities of America and the world suffered in rapid succession – the first blow being, of course, the failed launch of the ObamaCare website.

And since we all know that the culprit in that case was, without doubt, George W. Bush, there is no doubt in our collective mind who done did it this time.

As a result, the glorious pages of our most truthful news source were replaced with intimidating messages and pictures warning the users of dire consequences to their livelihoods, personal data, and bank accounts. These were exactly the same security risks posed by the ObamaCare website. Coincidence? Don’t make us laugh. There are no coincidences: only a steady, historically inevitable progress and the attempts to thwart it by reactionaries. And we all know that the mastermind of all reactionary conspiracies is George W. Bush. What more proof do we need?

The matching patterns didn’t end there. The replacement screens told the web-surfing masses that they had to click on the dangerous link to find out what’s behind it. The screenshot of what they saw on HealthCare.gov is above. An almost identical image was found on the People’s Cube:

We all know who took up painting recently – George W. Bush. So who do you think manufactured these false images? No doubt Bush always knew how to do this but managed to keep it secret until the news leaked out.

The alleged reason for the block was “suspicious” behavior of some capitalist ads that appeared on the Cube, and we know who the biggest supporter of capitalism is. It’s George Bush. So it’s all Bush’s fault.

Thus, through no fault of our own, we found ourselves in Google Gulag, which is like a worldwide ObamaCare system for websites. Our coverage was suddenly canceled and we were trapped with no discounts for pre-existing conditions, huge out-of-pocked expenses, and the looming prospect of the Death Panel. There was nothing we could do: the navigators were incompetent, barely spoke any English, and the higher-ups were unreachable. All we could do was wait and hope that our health problem would go away by itself. And so it did, on the fourth day.

This morning the People’s Cube has been released from Google Gulag with a clean bill of health, albeit a tarnished reputation, somewhat disheveled and broke.

We have to learn to live again in the free world… What? Not free anymore? Boy, things did change while we were in the slammer.

Please visit The Peoples Cube.

ObamaCare Website Glitch Causes VP Biden to Vanish

Biden_Lost.jpg The monstrous consequences resulting from the GOP-orchestrated sabotage of the Affordable Care Act continue to mount up.

First, there was the mysterious cancellation of millions of health insurance policies, followed by mass hallucinations which led many citizens to believe that if they liked their insurance policies, they could keep them.

But the latest problem has even savvy veteran party conspiracy theorists scratching their heads: the spate of unexpected ObamaCare website computer glitches has apparently caused VP Joe Biden to disappear.

As one of the most impassioned and eloquent spokesmen for the glorious ACA, the world expected to see Mr. Biden on the front lines of the battle to roll out the president’s signature legislation. Instead the VP has been virtually invisible since website problems began unexpectedly cropping up on Oct 1.

No one is sure exactly how but the current theory is that the website’s inexplicable difficulties somehow caused him to vanish.

Unable to cope with the reality of his absence, anguished, grief-stricken Biden supporters continue to report seeing him in various venues ranging from his home state of Delaware to places as far away as Houston and Panama.

“It’s just like after Elvis died,” commented one staffer. “Fans were so distraught, they were seeing him all over the place.”

“But it’s not possible to be in Delaware one day and Houston the next,” the staffer explained further. “You would have to travel near the speed of sound or something. Besides, we all knowthat Joe would be at the president’s side, fighting for the ACA, if he could. Foul play just has to be involved for him to disappear at this critical time. There’s just no other explanation for him to be AWOL right now.”

Some cynics have suggested that Mr. Biden, who is expected to seek the Party’s nomination to succeed President Obama in 2016, is purposely staying out of sight to avoid being associated with what some have characterized as a less-than-stellar ObamaCare launch.

“Don’t be mizzled by racist propaganda!” says DNC chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz. “As I told Candy Crowley and anyone else who would listen, Americans have been feeling the benefits since 2010. Democratic candidates will be able to run on Obamacare as an advantage in 2014.”

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She added that the benefits of the ACA will increase exponentially by 2016, making Mr. Biden a shoo-in to win the presidency if he is the nominee. So there is no reason for him to not want to carry the ACA banner proudly, she claimed.

When asked why the Vice President had apparently vanished the last two months, Schultz offered an honest, straightforward answer.

“UFOs. Just like Elvis,” she said.

This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Home Protection and Affordability Act – “ObamaHousing”

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“That means that no matter how we reform the nation’s housing, we will keep this promise to the American people: If you like your home, you will be able to keep your home, period. If you like where you live, you’ll be able to live where you like to live, period. No one will take it away, no matter what.”

“America is facing a crisis in housing. Millions of Americans live in substandard homes. Millions do not live in houses at all but reside in cheap apartments and crummy condominiums. Millions more through no fault of their own have preexisting conditions and are routinely turned down and denied housing in our present broken system. This has become a terrible social cost that we all end up paying. We are spending, as a whole, over twenty percent of our GDP on housing nationwide. This is a horrible burden on the economy and is adding to the deficit. This is simply unacceptable. We need better than this. We can do better than this.

“Living in a home is a right and the millions without homes must have homes. This is both a moral obligation and a practical obligation. And this is why the Home Protection and Affordability Act is so vitally important. This legislation ensures that every American enjoys a good home at an affordable cost. It ensures that no one will live in substandard homes. It ensures that no one has to rely on the old broken Wild-West housing market that has run rampant robbing the nation of its GDP, adding to the nation’s deficit, and providing nothing but unsafe substandard housing.

“The Home Protection and Affordability Act will not only guarantee every American a safe home to live, it will bring down the housing costs for the nation and add to the economy by creating more jobs for the middle class. With this Act our housing will enter the 21st century and no Americans will ever find themselves out in the cold, broken by their housing costs, without proper home and shelter.”

Excerpt from President Barack Obama’s Ohio speech on ObamaHousing.

The Karl Marx Treatment Center’s latest best seller is Sophistry For The Practical Totalitarian.

This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube

Help “Kickstart” World War III

There is a video going viral on the web titled, “Help Kickstart World War III”. This passionate and compassionate campaign video is produced by The Second City Network. President Obama needs your help starting World War III! Find out how you can help! This is not one of those “dumb” Republican wars, this is a truly “smart” progressive war. It will be run using iPads and Facebook.

War is the new normal and is a “moral obligation”.

Bomb Syria back to a real “sustainable nation” and also help prevent global warming caused by the release of sarin gas. Fewer Syrians means less CO2 emissions and an end to climate change in the Middle East. American bombs are environmentally approved by the EPA. Our tanks are union made in America, with Chinese parts. Our drones put out fewer pollutants that your Prius. We are a proud global partner in the UN’s International Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) “sustainable wars” initiative. Make war – save our planet!

Do your part today! The campaign needs just $1.6 trillion to get things going. To donate now – call 1-888-GOTO WAR or text 6969.

Please watch this compelling video and do your part to help “kickstart” WW III!

Don’t let Putin, the Russian bear, throw cold water on our “good” and “moral war” with Syria. Is it true Putin poops in the woods? Russia has no right to get in our collective progressive way to create a kindler and gentler Middle East void of all humans of Arab descent.

No going backwards we must move FORWARD!

EDITORS NOTE: This column is satire, or is it?

Jon Stewart: Why does the President gets his information by watching TV?

The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart has a series of video clips of President Obama saying he did not know what was going on in his administration. The President states repeatedly that he learned about it from watching the news. From Fast and Furious to the IRS targeting Christian, Jewish and Conservative groups, the President had no clue.

This theme was repeated by David Axelrod. Jonathan Easley from The Hill reports, “Former Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod on Wednesday defended the president, saying it was ‘impossible’ he could have known about the Internal Revenue Service targeting conservative groups because the government is too big.”

“White House spokesman Jay Carney has said that nobody in the White House knew about or influenced the IRS’s policy, and that the president found out about the transgression through the news media at the same time as the public. The Justice Department on Tuesday opened a criminal investigation into the matter,” notes Easley.

Watch Jon Stewart’s monologue:

The first honest cable company – April Fools joke or is it?

There is a video that has gone viral titled “The First Honest Cable Company” produced by Extremely Decent Films. The video is a parody of a cable television advertisement. It is presented here as an April Fools joke, but is it really?

Warning graphic language used in this video:

President Obama Declares America Indefensible due to Sequestration

Forced by the sequestration to trim $85 billion from the country’s $3.6 trillion budget, President Barack Obama announced today that he would not deploy the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Harry Truman to the Persian Gulf as part of his plan to disband the entire United States military.

“I warned Congress that these cuts did not have to happen,” Obama said at a White House press conference. “The Republicans could have turned them off at any time by just compromising and raising the taxes I requested. So now they have forced me to lay off the only non-essential government employees I could find, which just happens to be all the members of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast Guard. As of midnight Thursday, the United States is indefensible.”

The President went on to add that he could not find any other government agencies or public services where he could cut spending.

“I know that the budget cuts were supposed to be across the board. But I could not in good conscious consider any reductions in domestic spending and leave many Americans wondering whether they will receive the many things they have grown to depend on from the government.”

The Defense Department has already issued orders to begin implementing President Obama’s 100% reduction in military personnel.

In South Korea, soldiers of the U.S. Eighth Army burned the regimental colors and sold their weapons to buy plane tickets home where food stamps and Obamaphones await them. And in the Persian Gulf, all of the ships of the U.S. Fifth Fleet simultaneously sounded alarms to abandon ship and were scuttled.

Mil_Cuts_AirForce_268.jpgAn exception will be made for the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers which will be demobilized this Sunday instead of on Friday. This will give them time to destroy anything on abandoned military bases that may pose a danger to small children.

President Obama also stated that he will keep a small detachment of U.S. Air Force personnel to crew and maintain Air Force One, as well as a token force of Marines to crew the helicopter designated as Marine One.

“Let them be a reminder of America’s former military glory and how the Republicans destroyed it.”

According to some experts, the US military is not going down without a fight, sequestered or not.

Here is some photographic evidence of the latest combat operations conducted under severe budget cuts conditions.

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Former Soviet Agitprop Artist Oleg Atbashian coming to Sarasota, FL

On Tuesday, August 7, 2012 Oleg Atbashian will be the guest speaker at an event hosted by Sarasota Patriots. The event will begin at 6:00 p.m. at the Waldemere Fire Station class room located at 2070 Waldemere Street, Sarasota, FL.

Oleg was born and raised in the former Soviet Union and after its collapse emigrated to the United States. When he arrived he saw that the United States was implementing policies similar to those he was subjected to under Communist rule. Seeing his newly adopted country going down the progressive road to perdition he decided to do what any loyal citizen would do. He began to fight back with the skills he obtained in Soviet Russia – agitprop. He uses political satire and the graphic arts to send his message of freedom, liberty and less government to the unwashed masses. Oleg exposes useful idiots for what they are: Useful and Idiots!

Oleg is a citizen journalist for Watchdog Wire – Florida where his satirical columns and graphic art work are on display. Oleg is author of “Shakedown Socialism: Unions, Pitchforks, Collective Greed, The Fallacy of Economic Equality, and other Optical Illusions of Redistributive Justice.”

To learn more about this event please visit the Sarasota Patriots website.