Aides Quickly Drag President Away As He Tries To Join In ‘F*** Joe Biden’ Chant

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden took a much-needed break from his 4-hour workdays and late-night Matlock binges to attend the Congressional Baseball Game this past weekend, but things quickly went south when he attempted to join the crowd in a rowdy “F*** Joe Biden” chant.

“Yeah, that Biden guy is the worst!” said Biden. “F*** Joe Biden! F*** Joe Biden! Hehe, nothing like a rowdy chant at the old ball game, eh folks?”

Panicked aides quickly grabbed him by the arms and dragged him out of sight to administer some additional meds.

According to witnesses, Biden later returned to the game and looked out on the crowd with his classic medication-induced serene Biden smile.

The FBI has confirmed they will be dedicating 1,328 agents to investigate who started the insurrectionist chant so they can be arrested.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Disney+ To Release Separate Fauci Documentary For Each Time He’s Changed His Mind

U.S.—Get ready Disney+ users, because there’s another reason to use the service besides just rewatching all The Simpsons episodes from season two until the show abruptly ended and went out in a blaze of glory in season ten.

Disney is giving the audience what they want with a Fauci documentary! Just what we asked for. But even better, Disney has confirmed that there will be a separate documentary for each different narrative that Fauci has pushed. The move will reportedly flood Disney with over 500 separate versions of the Fauci doc.

“You can now enjoy this documentary of America’s most important public health servant,” said a Disney representative. “Well, any one of 500 different documentaries and counting. We’ll keep releasing new ones as he tells a different version of his story or changes his mind again. So, yeah. We’re gonna be pretty busy for some time.”

Even better, according to Disney+ spokespeople, the Fauci movies will all be edited in real-time to keep up with his ever-changing story. “It’s pretty much a choose-your-own-adventure documentary at this point.”

At publishing time, Disney had reminded everyone that watching Fauci is mandatory, and anyone who does not watch will be added to the FBI’s domestic terrorism watchlist.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Hackers Warn That If Demands Aren’t Met They Will Reactivate Facebook

WORLD—With Facebook down, and the world basking in the warm glow of a post-Facebook utopia, the hackers responsible for the attack are now warning that if their demands are not met, they will reactivate Facebook once again.

“We know the world is celebrating the peace and unity brought about by us deleting Facebook from the internet,” said a cryptic message broadcast from an unknown location. “But if you don’t comply with our demand for $700 billion dollars by 8 pm tonight, we will restore Facebook and unleash its evils upon the world once again.”

“NOOOOOOOO!” screamed everyone in horror at the thought of being doomed to once again scroll through Facebook’s clinically addictive interface, depressing newsfeed, and angry arguments with Aunt Guthrie. “Please! PLEASE! Make Facebook stay gone! Don’t let it come back!”

“8 pm tonight. $700 billion,” responded the hackers with a maniacal laugh. “Don’t disappoint us.”

According to sources, local woman Aunt Guthrie is still sitting at her desk clicking “refresh” over and over.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Thief Assures Victim Robbery Will Cost $0 Since Victim Is Paying For It

COLUMBUS, OH—According to sources, local college student Tom Smith was robbed at gunpoint yesterday in the early morning hours as he was getting in his car. In a statement to police, he revealed that the gunman assured him the robbery would cost $0 since it would be paid for by the money being stolen.

“It all happened so fast,” said Smith. “He came out of nowhere, pointed a gun at me, and said, ‘Hands up! This is a socialism, see? Pay yer fair share, see?’, and then he proceeded to explain to me that I shouldn’t be upset because this robbery was totally paid for and would cost zero dollars.”

When Smith inquired to the armed thug as to how the robbery would be paid for, the thief responded saying: “It will be funded by you, since I am taking all your money and your car, which makes this robbery deficit-neutral, and therefore totally free! I don’t see what you’re so upset about!”

The thief then clubbed the victim on the head free of charge, and drove off with all Smith’s earthly possessions, to redistribute them to himself free of charge. Authorities have announced a manhunt for the thief. Latest reports indicate the car has been spotted in Washington D.C.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: McDonald’s Introduces Limited Run Of Finely Aged 1992 Vintage McRibs

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Babylon Mom: Don’t Judge Me By My Rude, Misbehaving Kids, But By My Fall Family Photos

Hey everyone, sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. It’s just been crazy around here!

Fall is here, and ladies we all know what that means: cooler weather, Friday night football, and popping Xanax before your annual family photoshoot.

You know how it goes: you spend countless hours, sacrificing quality family time and even missing your second child’s birthday party, to piece together the most enviable fall wardrobe for your family photos. You know, for once in my life, I would just like to hear my 5-year-old say, “Thanks, Mom!  Thanks for these $200 riding boots and tiny tailored blazer that make me look like a mini equestrian from a much richer family!” But, no. These kids are ungrateful, and honestly, not even that cute without my keen eye for styling, fresh haircuts, and heavily edited photography.

What’s more, is that my kids are too dense to realize that I’m doing all this for them!  It’s like they don’t even realize that being a whiny, shrill, virus-multiplying creature is really not a good look on anyone. Which is why, on this one day, I must capture them in the perfect combination of warm tones, solids, plaids, infinity scarves, and Sherpa accents. All those school suspensions will be white noise behind the canvas on our wall that everyone will judge us by.

Sure, under all that flannel, there is a little tension by the time we arrive for the photoshoot. Perhaps threatening to smash my tween’s Nintendo with a hammer and slipping our toddler Benadryl was a bit extreme, but it’s only because I want people to be able to see the real them! I want people to see my children as I see them – or at least how I see them when I’m drunk on a couple’s getaway and feeling strangely nostalgic. Then, after months of preparation and several thousand dollars, in thirty minutes it’s all over. All those phone calls from the fire department about my kid shooting rockets off the nursing home roof are in the rearview. A new reality has arrived, framed forever in gorgeous mahogany.

Honest truth, if you can’t see past my children’s pathological behavior to their freshly pressed Boden and Dior attire, then I’m not sure I can help you. I admit, these kids of mine have left me questioning so many life decisions and maybe even prevented a small handful of our friends from becoming parents, but I think the number of views on my Insta is clearly redeeming. So do this mom a solid, and take a look at these remarkable family photos that we will be paying off for the next 12 months. I need this in my life. Look at them. LOOK AT THEM!


Toss your capitalist cookbooks aside, this anti-capitalist cooking show walks you through the grueling experience of cooking… the socialist way.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Babylon Mom on The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

PSA: If You Have Liberals In Your Neighborhood, Remember To Check Your Kids’ Halloween Candy For Hidden Vaccines

It is now Halloween season, so as parents you must be on alert for threats to your children. This year, make sure to carefully check your kids’ candy before they eat it, being especially on the lookout for vaccination needles.

The COVID-19 vaccine has not been approved for children, but some deranged individuals may try to vaccinate kids anyway by hiding needles inside the candy. If your children receive candy from anyone wearing a mask—like the paper ones, not werewolf masks—or if they have a “Hate Has No Home Here” sign in their yard, you need to be very cautious of the candy they receive.

Signs of a vaccine would be a needle sticking out of a candy bar. Also, there could be a label on it, such as “Pfizer Edible.” You may also find some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in your children’s candy; these aren’t a threat, but take a few for yourself, because checking candy is hard work.

Authorities say to be particularly suspicious if your kids trick-or-treat in Dr. Fauci’s neighborhood. He’s attracting kids to his house by giving out full-sized candy bars, but you want to check those carefully.


Watch our latest video on how to make sure your kids are absolutely terrified of COVID:

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire PSA by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

New York Atheists Claim Religious Exemption From Vaccine After Governor Claims That It’s From God

ALBANY, NY—New York atheists have come out in force against the COVID-19 vaccine after learning that their state’s Governor Kathy Hochul claimed that God made the scientists, doctors, and researchers invent the vaccine. The state’s atheists were further incensed when Hochul displayed a religious emblem hanging from her neck that symbolized her acceptance of the holy vaccine.

Crowds of atheists pressed into the State Health Department’s headquarters to submit forms seeking religious exemptions from the vaccine requirement.

“We’re sick of these religious nutjobs in government forcing their religious convictions on the rest of us!” said Brett Winstone, president of the local Free Thinkers Society chapter. “This is not a theocracy! You will not force your god vaccine into our atheist veins!”

“A religious exemption for atheists like me makes perfect sense,” said fervent atheist Craig Nostic. “I mean, we’re always thinking about religion and talking about religion. My Christian friends are actually kind of sick of how I won’t stop talking about religion.”

When word spread that their religious exemptions would be accepted, the crowd of atheists fell to their knees in humility and offered praise and gratitude to the cold, unforgiving, empty, endless void.


Watch our latest video on how to make sure your kids are absolutely terrified of COVID:

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EDITOR NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Enraged Mormon BYU Football Crowd Shouts ‘Fudge Joe Biden!’

PROVO, UT—Mormon students attending the Brigham Young University football game this past weekend joined other colleges across the country in expressing their opinion of President Biden.

“Fudge Joe Biden! Fudge Joe Biden!” chanted the football fans in between plays. Some local onlookers were shocked at the brazen obscenity, but others gleefully responded saying “Ohhh SNAP!”

“Golly, I’m pretty darn disappointed in Biden, what a frigging frikker,” said Beckett Johns, a first-year student at the school. “When he was elected, I was all like, ‘Dangit! What the heck?’ because he’s probably one of the most underwhelming presidents ever and a total butt.”

BYU’s leadership has condemned the obscene chant, saying “Gee whiz, we’re mighty peeved by this crappy behavior at our games.” They then immediately put their hands over their mouths as they had just accidentally said the word “crappy.”

Senator Mitt Romney has promised to withdraw his donations to the school if the obscene chant isn’t stopped.


Watch our latest undercover video report as the FBI busts a group of radical Trump supporters:

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Says We Can Afford $3.5T Bill Because China Just Gave Him This Cool New Visa Card With A Low Introductory Rate

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden promoted his record-breaking $3.5 trillion spending bill today, telling Americans it will basically cost us nothing since China was kind enough to give him a brand new VISA card with a $3.5 trillion credit limit and a very low introductory rate.

“C’mon, folks, that’s too good a deal to pass up!” said Biden in a press conference. “It’s basically free money! And President Xi promised me an introductory 0.0% APR for the first month! And I get points for gas and groceries with every purchase! How can you not take that deal?”

He then waved the card around for the cameras, causing the assembled press to “ooh” and “aah” at the shininess and redness of it.

Experts say the spending bill will solve all the problems our country faces and will continue to do so until it’s time to pass another one next month. The card will charge 0% interest for the first month, after which the rate increases to the firstborn child of every American citizen.

Biden has promised that after we’ve used up our Chinese credit card, he will fund further spending bills with a daring diamond heist, and he will then bet all the diamonds on black in a vegas casino craps table to make up the remaining funds.

Unfortunately, Biden’s plan to use his new VISA card was ruined when AOC got ahold of it and bought $1 trillion worth of “Tax The Rich” dresses.


Watch our latest undercover video report as the FBI busts a group of radical Trump supporters:

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

10 Tips For Making Sure Your Kids Are Terrified Of COVID

If there’s one thing we worry about as parents, it’s that our kids are not sufficiently scared of COVID-19. If our children don’t spend every waking hour fearful that they’ll get killed by a virus, they might accidentally let their masks slip down from their noses for a few seconds. And then we’re all dead.

So here are some tips to make sure your kids are sufficiently scared of COVID.
1) Buy a loud alarm and do COVID drills: “We saw someone on the street without a mask! Everyone hide under your beds!”

2) Tell them the COVID monster is hiding in their closet waiting to eat them up if they take off their mask: If there’s one thing kids are terrified of, it’s monsters. This is because they are dumb. Use that dumbness to your advantage and manipulate their trust and fear to slow the spread!

3) Constantly talk about “long COVID”: If your child ever encounters another child who has recovered from COVID, that might convince them not to be scared. So tell them all those people now have “long COVID” and are secretly disfigured and maimed for life.

4) Tell them Elmo died from COVID: Kids love Elmo. And he’d still be around if everyone had gotten the vaccine and worn their masks properly.

5) Get them a pretend vaccine card: They can practice showing it to everyone before interacting with people to know how important that is. But make sure they know they’re still a deadly danger to everyone around them since they’re not really vaccinated.

6) Tell them they’re not going back to school because all their teachers and classmates died from COVID: It’s only a white lie. They’re most likely never going to see a regular classroom again anyway.

7) In addition to wearing a mask outside, also have your kids wear blindfolds: Tell them it’s to protect them from seeing all the horrors of the COVID-ravaged land.

8) Hire a psychopath to dismember one of your pets and tell them COVID did that: It will be a striking reminder about the dangers of COVID. Plus, local psychopaths are always looking for work.

9) Tell them Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is hiding in their closet: All that man wants to do is kill people with COVID!

10) Cut all power and water to your house and claim society has completely collapsed from nearly everyone dying of COVID: You’re just preparing them for next year.

Follow these tips, and your kids should spend most of their days curled up in a ball and shaking in fear of the virus coming to get them — and scientists say being curled up on the floor really reduces the chance of spread. Now that’s some good parenting!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

9 Signs A News Outlet Might Be Biased

We here at the Babylon Bee are passionate about helping our readers discern truth from fiction. You may not know this, but a lot of news outlets are really biased these days! How can you tell whether the news is giving you the whole story? Well, buckle up, because here are 9 very subtle clues to look for that could indicate a news outlet might be biased.

Here they are:

  1. They employ journalists: We’re not sure who thought it was ever a good idea to hire journalists to give the news. Journalists are just the worst.
  2. They do not begin each news segment with an opening prayer: This is a sure sign that they hate your faith and all your traditions. Don’t watch!!
  3. The news anchor has a “BIDEN HARRIS” tattoo on his face: This could be an indicator that he is biased towards the Democrats. Sad!
  4. Donald TRUMP’s name is not in all capital letters: And if they don’t refer to him as “Dear Leader”, they probably hate America.
  5. They don’t precede every mention of the 2020 election with the word “stolen”: Literally everyone knows the election was stolen from Dear Leader TRUMP! If they disagree, they’re probably biased libs.
  6. Their “panel of experts” is four stuffed animals and Stacy Abrams: Well, to be honest, that bear in the middle seems to know what he’s talking about.
  7. A laser dot appears on their forehead every time they mention Hillary Clinton: This could indicate they are being subtly pressured to spin the news in her favor.
  8. You have never once heard them say “Orange Man Good”: Yeah, you’ve heard them say “Orange Man Bad”, but have you ever heard them say “Orange Man Good”?: You need balance!
  9. Any stories about Hunter Biden appear in 1pt Papyrus font: They’re hoping you can’t see them. Don’t be fooled!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

After Being Fired By Biden, Radicalized Horses Storm Capitol Shouting ‘Trump Won!’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Upset at being laid off under Joe Biden just like millions of other Americans, former Border Patrol horses stormed the Capitol building Friday shouting “Trump won!”

Tensions have risen in the horse community since the Border Patrol horses were fired. According to some studies, horse unemployment has risen some 900% since Biden took office, causing some analysts to believe this was a powder keg ready to blow. And sure enough, today, in the most significant political protest at the Capitol since January 6, the horses converged on the Capitol Building demanding that Trump be reinstated so they could get their jobs back.

“This has gone on long enough!” shouted the group’s leader, Mr. Ed Hoofer. “We aren’t going to sit around with long faces anymore. We’re going to trot right in there and let Nancy Pelosi know that we’re the glue that keeps this nation together! Down with Biden! Trump won! Trump won!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the stampede “the worst travesty since 9/11,” while Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has claimed she was already trampled to death by the horses.

One horse was seen galloping away with Nancy Pelosi’s lectern, while another sat in her office and got his hoofprints all over her desk. Both have been charged with double ultimate extreme treason, the worst kind of treason.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

AOC Unveils Custom ‘Tax The Rich’ Tesla

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez took the fight to tax the wealthy to the streets today with the unveiling of her custom-made, $100,000 “Tax the Rich” Tesla.

The limited-edition, high-end electric car sports a custom “Tax the Rich” decal designed by a wealthy millionaire socialist. Ocasio-Cortez says she hopes it will make a “powerful statement” about wealth inequality in our society while she’s driving around town or illegally parked in front of Whole Foods picking up $8 kombuchas. Only 500 of them will be released, as it’s “very exclusive” and “only for people who are very, like, serious about taxing the rich and who can afford it. We don’t want riffraff promoting this message, you know.”

“We need to like, tax the rich, and, like, make sure they pay their fair share,” AOC said to reporters as she unveiled the custom car in front of her posh D.C. apartment, complete with leather couches, expensive rugs, and even a garbage disposal. “When I’m driving through D.C. to my appointments with rich lobbyists and stuff, I’m totally going to just massively own the rich with this thing. They’ll be like, ‘Oh man, she’s right! We should be taxed!’ as I fly by them in the express lane.”

After her team-up with Tesla to release the custom model, Ocasio-Cortez says she is working on a custom “Tax the Rich” Bentley, a “Tax the Rich” Gulfstream, and a private island terraformed to read “Tax the Rich.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Joey’s Beach Getaway

Good day Deano,

I hope today finds you well, over there as the Executive Editor at the NYTimes. Well it has been another banner week or so for the Harris/Biden administration. The hits just keep on coming for what is being called, possibly, the greatest installed Presidency in history. I ask, is there anything this guy Joey touches—that doesn’t turn to gold? Today we will examine the radical right perspective as they try and drag down Joey’s stellar job performance.

JOEY’S BEACH GETAWAY

So, after tackling crisis after crisis, Joey headed over to his beach house in Delaware for a well deserved long weekend. After all, it has been a good week or so since his last long weekend. It was such a joy to see Joey out biking with the radiant “Dr” Jill Biden, aka Hunter’s babysitter. It was a nice job by the press corps to zoom in on Joey, this way you couldn’t see the training wheels on his bike. They say by next summer these may come off. Bravo Joey, bravo, well done. Afterwards, I understand Joey glued some sea shells to some oak tag and the “Dr” hung it on the beach estates refrigerator. Meanwhile………..

MILITARY EXPERTS

This much deserved getaway, not to be confused with the previous weeks getaway was the result of all the pressure from all his military blunders, sorry I mean decisions.
Well nobody tells Joey what to do, I think we all know that by now, so he made some command decisions. Joey’s had the military conduct a drone air strike on a known ISIS-K operative….a direct hit with pinpoint accuracy. This of course was in retaliation (diversionary tactic ) for the loss of our 13 heroic troops killed as a result of Joey’s concise, expert, decision making…or grossly, grossly inept decision making, depending on who you’re talking to. General Woke Milley declared this a “Righteous strike,” as well as General (shoot first, ask questions later) McKenzie claiming it a “success.” News outlets such as your always apolitical NY Times we’re singing it’s praises, as retaliation for our sacrificed service members.

Here’s the rub though Deano, the drone killed 10 innocent civilians, including 7 children. It seems General Woke Milley is now calling this, “a horrible tragedy of war, it is heart wrenching.” General Kenny McKenzie, calling it a “tragic mistake.” Even Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin chimed in saying also, “it was a tragic mistake.” Old Lloyd was supposed to appear before the Senate a couple of weeks ago with that other superstar of the Harris administration Secretary of State Tony “I don’t recall” Blinkin. It seems old Lloyd had a scheduling conflict and couldn’t make it that week…..these things happen during Congressional hearings, I guess. Sources say he was immersed in one of Hunter’s art shows and was doing some heavy bidding and couldn’t get away. Democratic Senator Menendez exclaimed that he would have Lloyd subpoenaed! But alas, that never materialized, perhaps the Senator got a call from the big guy, or maybe he got involved in a bidding war with Old Lloyd over one of Hunter’s masterpieces. President Trump is a racist!

JOEY SHINES AT THE UNITED NATIONS

You know Deano, I can’t tell you the sense of pride I feel watching Joey Talibiden up at the mic wooing the general assembly. Him calling for the “relentless diplomacy,” was simply awe-inspiring. What a long way he has come since former Prime Minister Tony Blair branded Joey an imbecile. There was no mention of France or allies deserted in Afghanistan though. He also said America is back to the negotiating table…he forgot to mention that he is negotiating with the Taliban. As Jen Goebbels Psaki has stated, “the Taliban (extreme terrorist organization) is working in a very professional manner……” you know, like trying to get our U.S. citizens home, before they start to hunt them down, which is very nice of them. Maybe he should take a page out of Barack Hussein’s playbook and start sending plane loads of money over there, like old Barack did with Iran. I tried to reach out to Barack, but he is busy planning his next birthday party at the vineyard, (no mask required.)

PRESS CONFERENCE CONFUSION

Well, Joe sat down with Boris Johnson of the UK for a bit to take questions from reporters, after their stimulating exchange of ideals. After speaking, Boris asked if they could take a couple of questions to which Joey replied, “good luck.” I mean is he installed Presidential material, or what? He is just so professional and diplomatic! Boris chuckled, and then took a series of questions. Here is the confusing part Deano, it seems Joey didn’t take any questions at all, which is so very unlike him. When Boris was wrapping up his last question, Joey’s handlers started SCREAMING, “it’s over, everybody out.” Boris seemed a bit confused to this new protocol for the newly installed puppet, sorry I mean President. Little Red Lying Hood Psaki said, Boris sabotaged Joey by taking questions, as he wasn’t prepared with a list of questions and prepared answers. Silly Boris, wasn’t he briefed by Joey’s handlers, I mean staff.

May I suggest, that they start playing heavy metal music at full volume, as soon as reporters start to ask questions. You know, so there is no chance Joey will start to answer any questions what so ever. Then Joey could just pop up and run to the back door, then someone could announce Joey has left the building, just like Elvis. Maybe he could start doing his scripted remarks in sequin suits and a cape, like the King…to show his youth and virility.

I figured he was covered with the cue cards provided to him when he sat down, you know telling him who the Prime Minister was and to say hello to him, to say excuse me, if he coughed, etc, etc. I also know, someone is at the kill switch, because his feed has been cut off mid sentence numerous times lately. I stand corrected, that is when he is conducting virtual meetings………with a mask on? Ya can’t be too careful, especially if you’re on camera trying to push a narrative to instill control. Couldn’t they fly in George Stephanopoulos to ask Joey his favorite ice cream flavor or color perhaps, you know to show his competence, and put us all at ease. He used to run up airplane stairs to prove his physical agility, but that didn’t go well, resulting in him crawling up the stairs on all fours.

CONSERVATIVES ARE LOST FOR WORDS

Even with all the great accomplishments of the Harris/Talibiden administration, the radical right is beside themselves. They are saying the United States has become the laughing stock to the entire world starting with the mentally addled, installed, puppet, masquerading as the President. This includes his equally inept, missing in action VP, Kalamity Harris, whose major contribution during all of these crises is performing a coin toss at a college footbal game……what an asset! Word is her pants suit and pumps were magnificent though. Or his cabinet of incompetents, and partners in utter mayhem, Schumer, Pelosi, Pocahontas Warren, Millionaire Sanders, Et al. They also mention the propaganda machines such as your NEW YORK TIMES, Deano, as well as WAPO,MSNBC, CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, who rarely mention a bad word about this train wreck of an administration. Too busy (wink, wink), working on Russian collusion hoaxes or tax returns, to pay any attention to the humanitarian disasters in Afghanistan or the Southern border, or rampant shooting in all major cities. Remember Deano, ignore, deflect, or when in doubt, blame President Trump. You know the drill buddy!

Conservatives cannot decide if it is possible to absolutely be this incompetent, or is it just a nefarious plan to bring down the once greatest country in the world, with of course , your help there Deano. Beijing Biden was touted as a moderate Democrat. I don’t know Deano, do his policies and decision making seem to be moderate?Conservatives are calling this Barack Hussein 3.0 on steroids, and then some more steroids, very Squad like. Speaking of the Squad I just love the bartender AOC, don’t you Deano? She recently proposed to empty out prisoners from Rikers Island, no questions asked, just release them. I mean what could wrong, simply brilliant. I see a future White House candidate there.

They point to the treasonous behavior of “General” Milley and his phone calls behind a sitting Presidents back to China. You know to give them a heads up if and when the POTUS planned to use military action. I mean with that thinking, Eisenhower should have called Hitler before D-Day or perhaps MacArthur giving the heads up to the Emperor of Japan before the Iwo Jima invasion. Resign, hell they say they should conduct a court martial, for committing treason. But hey, he has Joey’s full endorsement, even if old Joe does keep calling him General Patton. But look at the bright side, he has West Point teaching CRT……….priorities Deano, priorities.

HOLIDAYS WITH THE BIDEN’S

On a positive note Joey and “Dr” Jill received an early Christmas card from the Taliban. You know for the gift of over $85,000,000,000 worth of military equipment. I hope they pass that $3,500,000,000,000 “infrastructure” Build Back Better Reconciliation Plan….c’mon man we have to outfit more terrorist organizations and countries that hate us. Let’s go Conservatives, get with the program.
As a side note, Nancy may fly in on her broom for the Christmas holidays to the Biden estate or possibly beach compound. She’ll bring the gourmet ice cream, no doubt. No masks required obviously, unless of course cameras are around. Joey said he hopes the Easter bunny shows up for Christmas, and brings him a chocolate bunny.

VACCINE MANDATE………FOR SOME THAT IS

They point out Joey’s Federal mandate (diversionary tactic for botched drone strike), that companies with 100 employee’s or more must be vaccinated. Funny though, members of Congress, their staff, Federal judges and of all people, the USPS are exempt. I mean the Post Office comes into contact with people everyday, Deano old sport. Word is he may rescind that order for postal workers on 11/9/22. Odd date but that is just Joey being Joey, always transparent and striving for unity. President Trump is a racist!

THE NEW YORK TIMES (AND THEIR JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY)

Well, as usual, I can’t thank you enough Dean Baquet for your journalistic professionalism for printing all the news that is fit to print in The NY Times. Even if Conservatives call it a propaganda machine that acts as a political arm for this Socialist administration. They have compared you many, many times to the Communist publication Pravda! They also point out that comparison is somewhat unfair, as Pravda has much more integrity than the NYTimes. Good news is you are closing in on the National Inquirer for journalistic integrity. Keep up the good work, your family must be so proud. I think the owner of the Times, A.G. Slushyberger owes you a raise for all your unbiased, apolitical oversight on your reporters. Yep, a real shining example to our children on how to conduct yourself professionally with the utmost integrity.

HUNTER IS BACK IN THE NEWS

On a side note, maybe we can talk next week about Hunter’s laptop which is back in the News. It seems liberal outlets (thankfully, not yours Deano) are NOW saying this is legitimate and needs to be investigated. It is no longer being called Russian disinformation ( I love that catch phrase). I guess it must be getting close to having Cackling Kamala installed. I just hope she doesn’t have a coin toss or in depth interview on The View planned for the installation date.

Sincerely,

Chris Cirino

©Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

New York Restaurant Adds Voting Booth So They Can Allow People In Without ID

NEW YORK, NY—In an effort to circumvent the city’s vaccine passport regulations, a midtown eatery has installed a voting booth and designated itself as a polling place so it can allow in anyone without any ID at all.

Mikey’s Eats did a brisk business on the day, as the front of the restaurant was crowded by protestors for/against vaccines, for/against vaccine mandates, and for/against vote fraud. The protestors frequently lost track of who they wanted to yell at, changed sides, and dejectedly walked into the restaurant to console themselves with the chef’s special avocado burger.

A lawyer for the ACLU was also present. He spent the day alternating between threatening the restaurant with lawsuits, congratulating them for their commitment to democracy, and openly weeping.

Owner Mikey DeCarlo said, “A guy from [Mayor] de Blasio’s office came by and said he was going to shut us down, except for the voting booth part which he said he would defend to the death. Then he asked if he could get an avocado burger in the voting booth. He was crying a lot.”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Medical Schools Update Hippocratic Oath To Exclude The Unvaccinated

Border Patrol Loses Horse Privileges, Must Now Bang Two Empty Halves Of Coconuts Together

Trudeau Re-Elected Sultan Of Canada

New iPhone 13 Will Require Vaccination To Unlock Screen

Dr. Fauci Uninvited From Board Game Night As He Keeps Changing The Rules As He Goes

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.