Biden Drone Strikes White House After Vowing To Kill Those Responsible For American Military Deaths In Kabul

WASHINGTON, D.C—President Joe Biden has finally stepped up delivering harsh remarks regarding those responsible for the deaths of our troops in Kabul. The President has authorized deadly force to deal with all who caused this tragedy.

“We will not rest until those responsible for this senseless, avoidable crisis in Kabul have been removed from this Earth,” said a forceful Biden. “We will unleash everything within our military’s arsenal to stop those who allowed this to happen!”

Unbeknownst to Biden at that very moment, a US military drone was activated and given the White House as its target. Before Biden could finish his speech he was pulled away urgently and briefed on what he’d just done.

“Aw c’mon man! I said kill the terrorists. Not us! What’s the deal, man?” said Biden.

“I’m sorry sir, but unfortunately you said to kill those responsible, Mr. President,” said General Milley. “The drones are quite literal, sir. There’s nothing we can do.”

At publishing time, Biden had tried to give the drones new orders to kill those who wish to harm our country, but the drone’s path remained unaltered.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

In Response To Afghanistan Disaster, Pelosi Begins Impeachment Proceedings Against President Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has announced Congress will be taking action immediately as the situation in Afghanistan rapidly deteriorates. To hold those responsible for the evacuation debacle, Congress will consider articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump.

“Good morning, Thursday morning,” Pelosi said during a press conference this morning, which was Thursday morning. “We’re facing a dire situation in Afghanistan, and that means we as Congress need to do our duty to hold those responsible accountable for their horrible, horrible actions. That’s why, effective immediately, I’m introducing articles of impeachment against the president. President Donald Trump.”

Pelosi says Trump being impeached a third time won’t actually accomplish anything. But, she says, it will send a clear message to Trump that she doesn’t like him, which is the important thing. “He didn’t get the message the first two times,” she said. “Now the world will know for sure that the orange man truly is bad.”

“The walls are closing in. We got him this time.”

Trump says he welcomes the impeachment as he will be the first president in the history of the world to be acquitted three times. “That’s huge!” he said, addressing his supporters on the few social networks that have not yet banned him. “Sleepy Joe hasn’t even been acquitted once. Sad and pathetic!”

Watch This Video Before It Gets Demonetized

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Taliban Opens Chain Of U.S. Army Surplus Stores

KABUL—Now that Allah has seen fit to bless the Taliban with bountiful weapons and equipment from the U.S. Military, terrorists around Afghanistan have built an already thriving chain of U.S. Army Surplus stores.

“We need weapons to kill and subjugate the Afghan people under Sharia Law, but there’s just too much gear here!” said local Taliban leader Bob Muhammed. “There’s, like, billions of dollars and 20 years worth of weaponry around here, and now I can build a thriving business out of selling my wares to other terrorist folk who happen to pass through! Allah be praised!”

Although the merchandise will not be available to the general public (for obvious reasons), Muhammed’s Army Surplus will feature a full selection of deadly weaponry, ammunition, combat boots, MREs, helmets, hashish, and whatever else a soldier of Allah may need.

If successful, Bob Muhammed hopes to open more stores in Iraq and Syria.

The U.S. Government has taken note as new store locations open up for future drone pilot target practice.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

9 Black People Who Are Really White Supremacists

You’d think that it would be impossible for a black person to be a white supremacist, or at least very difficult. But you’re not woke enough if you haven’t yet realized that black people can be some of the most anti-black people around. Just trust us, this makes sense.

1. Larry Elder – This is an obvious one. But this man is trying to defeat California’s pasty-white Governor Newsom, so he’s clearly a secret member of the KKK.


2. Candace Owens – Candace says some stuff that’s so far-right even my uncle on Facebook says it’s too far. Raaaaaaycist!


3. The Black Panther – T’Challa refused to use Wakanda’s resources and technology to help people start Communist revolutions across the globe. He’s basically the face of white supremacy.


4. Martin Luther King, Jr. – MLKJ boldly declared that we shouldn’t judge people by their skin color but by the content of their character. Making him basically QAnon.


5. Frozone – Frozone wears white and shoots ice, both of which are dog-whistles to white supremacist sleeper cells across Metroville. He and Mr. Incredible probably attend Klan meetings together.


6. Denzel Washington – Denzel worked hard and didn’t complain and became successful, never blaming any struggles he had on the oppressive white man. This makes him a tool of the secret cabal of racists running our society (they meet on Tuesdays at a Toledo Chick-fil-A.)


7. Carl from The Simpsons – Carl gets along with Lenny despite their differences in skin color, which is something that far-right racists are OK with. OK, so maybe this one is yellow supremacy.


8. The entire cast and crew of Family Matters – Promoting racism by showing a healthy nuclear family that has assimilated into white culture? Whoops! Did I do that!?


9. Every black person who does not 100% agree with every single thing the left believes – We’ll finish this thing off with a catch-all in case we missed any black white supremacists. If you don’t wholeheartedly stand by the far-left agenda of the Democratic Party, look in the mirror: your black face may actually be the face of white supremacy.


Go find each of these people and scream in their faces to show how much you care about black people and hate white supremacy.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Every American Life Saved After Chick-Fil-A Takes Over Kabul Airport Evacuation

KABUL—After the government spectacularly botched the evacuation of Afghanistan, Chick-fil-A scrambled to the rescue and was quickly put in charge of the operation. Within a few hours, every single American at the Kabul airport was comfortably seated on a commercial airliner and munching away at a delicious Chick-fil-A sandwich and sipping on a sweet tea.

Chick-fil-A employees took over operating the air traffic control tower, managing the crowd of people, flying the jets, and, of course, serving delicious Chick-fil-A food to everyone gathered at the airport.

“Oh, it’s my pleasure,” said one Chick-fil-A employee as he happily welcomed several hundred Americans on board an official Chick-fil-A airliner. “Welcome aboard! Will you be having the spicy chicken or the original today? And can I interest you in a frozen lemonade?”

While citizens and refugees who were evacuated by the U.S. government were forced to huddle together in massive cargo jets, Chick-fil-A’s jets had first-class seating throughout, and yet somehow still miraculously held hundreds of people on each flight. The friendly employees tended to every need of the previously stranded Americans throughout the flights, offering complimentary food, beverages, back rubs, and trauma counseling to the people callously abandoned by the Biden administration.

Each jet also had a fun play area for the kids, and soothing Christian muzak was pumped into the cabin to the delight of all.

At publishing time, sources had further confirmed that all the Muslims at the airport had been led to Christ by the Chick-fil-A employees.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Giant Hurricane Forms Over Washington From White House Spinning Afghanistan Story

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House has updated the American people on Biden’s handling of Afghanistan

“Rest assured, the President is all over this,” said Biden’s National Security Advisor Peter Piddlepants. “He is very in charge and competent and presidential, as evidenced by this photo of all of us seated at a very official-looking conference table. See? look at that!” he said showing a picture on his phone. “Nothing to worry about!”

As he spoke, an ominous-looking cloudy vortex began to swirl overhead.

“The real ones at fault here are the Taliban,” said General Mark Milley in his latest op-ed piece for Teen Vogue. “They didn’t play fair even though they promised they would! Not cool guys, come on! Totally sus!” As he said this, he ran in circles and waved his arms wildly, further contributing to the swirling storm over Washington.

Media sources in Afghanistan then confirmed that the Taliban probably isn’t all that bad anyway, and this is all a small price to pay for getting fascist Trump out of office.

At the time of publishing, the hurricane over D.C. has grown to a category 4 from all the spinning.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

President Joey Talibiden

It seems that the Afghanistan debacle seems to be at the forefront of Joey’s agenda this week. That and grade school children wearing masks to school that is. The latter is where Joey is focusing most of his energy these days. Well, we all know Joey’s uncanny ability to multitask, but when he has a red hot issue like children wearing masks threatening the survival of our country, that’s what Joey zeros in on. We will circle back (don’t you just love Jen Goebbels Psaki catch phrases) to the mask issue later. Let’s take a look at that little issue over there in Afghanistan first.

Well, it looks like Joey’s hands were tied by a previous President Trump policy to get out of Afghanistan. Strange though, Joey has changed numerous successful policies established by President Trump. With a stroke of a pen he has signed 54 executive orders reversing many successful policies. So, one may ask why he had to follow this policy? Conservatives point out that Joey is looking any which way to cast blame on this catastrophic failure. Many Democrats, many Democrats…………agree with them.

It seems this all unfolded while Joey was on vacation at Camp David. Joey came back to reassure the country that everything would be alright. Then he gave his 18 minute speech, of course without accepting ANY questions. He knows “Dr.” Jill has a rule, if he takes any questions, that means no waffle cone and ice cream. He said, “the buck stops with him”, very Harry Trumanesque. The only problem is 30 seconds later he was blaming the Afghan military, bad intelligence reports, and of course his go to excuse…..…it is President Trump’s fault. Then, he jumped back on the helicopter to be back in time for s’more’s at Camp David.

It is true, President Trump did want all troops out of Afghanistan eventually. But here is the rub, President Trump had the crazy idea to get all American civilians out FIRST, before the military was to leave. It seems Joey got that part mixed up. He felt it was a better idea to remove ALL military personnel and air protection and then tell the Taliban to leave the American and Afghan civilians alone and play nice. Alas, this brilliant strategy didn’t seem to work, so Joey ordered 6,000 troops back without the air support. What a tactician, eh Deano. I could just imagine Joey in the war room, directing the D Day invasion. Of course, if he had, all ships and personnel would have landed in South America.

Joey then cut his vacation a whole day short, a whole day mind you. He sat down with his favorite lap dog, I mean interviewer, Georgie Stephanopoulos. It seems Old Joe got a bit testy with George at various times. Especially when George asked him what he thought of the images of Afghan civilians running along a C-17 transport plane, trying to climb aboard. He also pointed to the 2 civilians who tragically fell to their deaths trying to hang on for their lives. You might think Joe would reflect on this tragedy pensively, maybe a bless their souls moment. Nope, Joey blurted out, “what was that 4/5 days ago.” Actually first of all, it was 2 days ago—secondly as Conservatives point out…..when does gross incompetence have a time limit? What difference does it make if these moronic military decisions where made 2 hours ago or 2 weeks ago.

Conservatives point out that both intelligence and his military leaders warned Ole slow Joe about consequences by removing all troops ahead of American and Afghan civilians. He wanted all military out by 9/11, for the political optics it would serve. Who knows, we may have another war by 9/11 now. But Joe would have none of it. It seems his handlers, Nancy, Chuck, Barack Hussein, Soros, China and the like have him programmed to undo anything associated with President Trump, no matter what the consequences. You know like a spiteful, vindictive child. Sadly, due to his rapidly declining mental acuity, a child’s mind is what he has been reduced to, to lead this once great country.

GET THOSE KIDS IN MASKS!

Just Wednesday, Joey had his second speech in a week. This guy is a workaholic, I tell ya. A regular energizer bunny. Well, to ease everyone’s mind about the Afghanistan catastrophe (not to be confused with the Southern border catastrophe) Joey didn’t utter one word about it. That is where his 48 years in politics comes in handy, what a diplomat. His speech reminded me of the recordings of Winston Churchill and his rallying of the masses during the blitzkrieg attacks, except Winston focused on the paramount issue at hand. So what did Joey focus on….why, school children wearing masks, and possible legal action against governors who oppose the mandate. He tried bribery to those districts who use the mandate, last week….oh that Joey. There was no mention on who Joey would sue in regards to the 200,000 illegal aliens heading to the Southern border monthly, spreading covid at every turn. Then he finished his teleprompter speech and immediately quick-stepped off the stage. Those on the left applauded this masterpiece. Mostly for the fact that he found the exit. It seems last week Joey had trouble finding the entrance to the White House and was found walking in some rose bushes.

KAMALA HEADS TO VIET NAM (IN SEARCH OF ROOT CAUSES)

I tried to reach out to Kamala ( she was missing for 6 days during this latest crisis), but she is planning on going over to Viet Nam. Now that she has solved the problem at the Southern border, she is on to her next taxing project. You know, sort of a work/vacation, lord knows she has earned it. Normally she is standing a couple of feet from Joe, but she has been MIA lately. Conservatives say she may start wearing a hood and will hold a sickle, while standing there. Conservatives also predict that we will most likely be at war again with Viet Nam by the end of next week. This as Kamala works on the “root causes” over there. No word if Willie Brown will be accompanying her. I can hear her hyena-like, lilting laughter from there already.

I was hoping to hear her outrage in regards what awaits the poor women left behind and the atrocities that await them for the Taliban. Shockingly, I can’t find one comment from her in regards to this. Now that I think about it, she never had a statement in regards to Andy Cuomo and his sexual escapades. Oh, that’s right she was almost speaking out daily against Justice Kavanaugh and the trumped-up lone charge against him. That seems odd, it’s almost like she has selective outrage based on what political party you are affiliated with. You know, sort of like #metoo, Time’s Up, Cher, Whoopi, Joy, Alyssa, Meryl, Sarah, Chelsea, etc, etc, etc, etc. In fairness to Kamala, she did go against her party once. When she said she believed Tara Reade and her claims against Joey during the debate. This, in addition to implying Joey is a racist in his regards to busing de-segregation, also during the debate. You know when Joey said, “he didn’t want his kids to grow up in a racial jungle.” Look at them now though #1 and #2, working side by side for the once greatest country in the world. President Trump is a racist!

Joey, always putting America’s best interest in the forefront, eh Deano? He couldn’t have done it without CNN, The Washington Post, MSNBC, Hollywood, social media, late night “comedian’s”, etc. But special thanks to you Mr. Dean Baquet, executive editor at The NY Times, your coverage of Joey and politics in general are always so well balanced and objective. Yep, no hidden agenda for you guys….it is right out there in the open! So you all should all take a bow, because in actuality, you all had a hand in what is going on in Afghanistan, as well as the great state that our own nation is in, in a short 7 months. Incredible accomplishments in so short a time. Bravo Deano, to a job well done. Your journalistic integrity is beyond reproach!

REST EASY

Finally to put the country at ease, National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan said they have been in touch with the Taliban (extreme terrorist organization), and they said “they will provide safe passage for civilians to evacuate.” When told that they have already started whipping, beating and killing civilians, he said “they will reach out again to the Taliban.” So, we can now rest easy, especially if we have loved ones over there, either military or civilians.

I wonder for just a second what Pelosi, Schumer, Joy Behar, Stevie Colbert or even you Deano , who remain silent, would have to say if this was uttered by Trump’s Security Advisor. The term hypocritical, biased, soulless political hacks comes to mind.

©Political Satire by Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

CNN Praises Taliban For Wearing Masks During Attack

KABUL—Approximately twelve minutes after U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan, Taliban fighters have completely taken over the entire country.

“Woah, that’s a bummer,” said the Biden Administration’s foreign policy team. “We didn’t see that one coming.”

As the Taliban began its campaign of shooting and killing, as is their time-honored tradition, CNN anchors gushed with praise after noticing all the Taliban fighters were responsibly wearing masks to protect themselves and others from COVID.

“Wow! In the midst of the battle and bloodshed, these noble desert knights of Islamic superiority are wearing masks! Bravo!” said Brian Stelter.

TV anchor and world-renown polemicist Don Lemon was also quick to weigh in. “All things considered, we ought to be praising the COVID-safe masks these majestic mujahideen warriors are wearing,” he said.

“They are showing all of us the proper way to behave during a pandemic—something those horrible idiot Trump supporters don’t seem to get.”

Inspired by their example, the Biden Administration has invited the Taliban to the White House to record TikTok videos in hopes of convincing Trump supporters to get vaccinated.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Crowd Lays Down Path Of MyPillows As Trump Triumphantly Rides Donkey Into D.C.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Donald J. Trump was seen riding what appeared to be a donkey in the slow lane of Interstate 95 before taking the 395 North then exiting into downtown Washington, D.C., thus fulfilling the prophecy, “Behold, thy Orange King cometh unto thee, meek, meeker than all others, the meekest maybe, and sitting upon an ass, that he kicketh ass and draineth swamps.”

President Trump was welcomed by patriots of all creeds, races, and religions, who lay before him palm fronds from Mar-a-Lago, tattered Trump 2020 flags, and MyPillows®, guaranteed the most comfortable pillows you’ll ever own™. The multitude then followed Trump, crying “Hosanna to the son of Fred,” which rolled off the tongue as if sung by angels.

Trump gladly spoke to the press, which the humbled journalists found refreshing. “You would not believe how I got this donkey, which I’ve named ‘Rigged Election,’ by the way,” said the 45th and 47th President. “I just sent Giuliani to the neighboring village, where he saw an ass tied alongside a colt, to bring it to me. Today is probably the most prophetic day in history, as far as I know.”

When President Trump entered the White House to kick the interloper to the curb, Biden was nowhere to be found. They did find Kamala Harris locked in her soundproof office, and a naked, dazed Hunter Biden smearing fingerpaint on one of the priceless historical paintings. A silver alert has been issued for the former president, who was last seen in the National Mall talking to the trees.

Trump autographed the donkey and plans to sell it to the highest bidder.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Here’s A Comprehensive List Of All The Socialist Countries That Haven’t Turned Into A Totalitarian Hellscape Where You Have To Eat Your Dog

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Start Freaking Out: Here Are 10 New Variants You Should Be Super Worried About

At The Babylon Bee, we take your health seriously. So, we hired a doctor who was sitting in the gutter outside our California offices. He even had a lab coat and that big disc thing on top of his head. He also had a card that said “I am a real doctor.” Anyway, he warned us about these ten variants that are hitting the U.S. soon:

1. The Biden Variant – Causes the infected to babble like a senile old man and wander around aimlessly.

2. The Fauci Variant – Causes the infected to say contradictory statements every other sentence. Also diarrhea.

3. The Last Jedi Variant – Promises to be extremely deadly, then subverts your expectations and is really disappointing.

4. The Inverted Tombstone Piledriver Variant – Flips you upside down and backward then drives your skull into the mat from the top rope. Also diarrhea.

5. The AOC Variant – Causes a drop in intelligence but will slightly improve your dance moves.

6. The Lambda Complex Variant – This variant may trigger a resonance cascade scenario, causing our world to be invaded by aliens from the planet Xen. Also, the infected can’t count to 3.

7. COVID 1619 – Experts claim this variant was actually founded in 1619 by racist white men. Causes white supremacy and colorblindness. Also vomiting.

8. The Updog Variant – This one is really serious. Go ask your dad what it is.

9. The Kamala Harris Variant – This one causes you to start laughing at inappropriate times.

10. The Snyder Variant – Symptoms last twice as long as the original COVID-19. An interesting variant, although ultimately still a bit of a mess.

Stay home, stay safe! Forever!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Ron DeSantis Says Teachers Who Ask Kids To Wear Masks Will Be Thrown Into The Gator Pond

TALLAHASSEE, FL—With all the evil Democrats and namby-pamby Republicans around the country making innocent kids wear masks against their will, one courageous state governor, Ron DeSantis, is putting his foot down. He has just signed an order decreeing that all teachers who make kids wear masks will be thrown in the gator pond.

“Now THAT is how you fight back!” said all the conservative commentators in the country in unison.

“Listen, I’m just not gonna stand for it,” said DeSantis in his classic Desantis average mannerisms and average adult male voice inflection. “We haven’t used the alligator pond for a while, but maybe it’s time to bring that back.”

The audience clapped and cheered and started chanting “Throw them in! Throw them in!”

State police have now removed the cover from the gator pond in preparation for throwing teachers in it.

“Not only can we not teach CRT, we can’t put masks on kids!” said one teacher in one of her daily TikTok videos. “I have nothing to live for anymore! DeSantis is Hitler!”

She was then chucked into the gator pond in keeping with last week’s executive order prohibiting teachers from making TikTok videos.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

After Resigning For Sexual Harassment, Cuomo Immediately Hired By CNN

ATLANTA, GA—Former Governor Andrew Cuomo has resigned in disgrace amid accusations of sexual harassment, but the sky is still the limit for his career, as CNN immediately hired him under a multi-million-dollar contract.

As soon as CNN learned the man was credibly accused of sexual harassment, they scooped him up to be an on-air personality.

“Between his ability to lie through his teeth, cover up atrocities, and sexually harass women, we think Mr. Cuomo will be a perfect fit for our company culture here at CNN,” said CNN President Jeff Zucker. “What a find for our cable news channel! Plus, his brother already works here, and the two have intimate knowledge of each other’s scandals. Mr. Cuomo will really hit the ground running here.”

“Welcome, Mr. Cuomo!”

At publishing time, CNN had confirmed the Cuomo brothers will star in a new show called “Super Cuomo Bros.” where they jump on seniors’ heads to murder them and throw fireballs at the elderly.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Andy and Nancy

My, it has been a very busy time in the world of politics lately. I had been meaning to write you earlier, but you know how it is, with all these summer activities. Actually, I’m holding out for a last minute invite to Barack Hussein’s 60th birthday gala. I figured I could go green and share a water taxi out to the vineyard. Maybe get a group rate with Oprah, Tommy Hanks, Meryl Streep, Hillary and Bill (unless Bill will be at Epstein Island that day), Beyoncé and JZ, Stevie Spielberg, Bobby De Niro, Bruce the boss, and Cher. From what I’ve heard, Cher has been celebrating Presidential birthday parties since Woodrow Wilson’s surprise 50th.

Well, I promised you last time that I would write to you in regards to that warm and fuzzy Madam, the effervescent Nancy Pelosi. But first, I think we have to address the railroading of the “gold standard” of the pandemic, the honorable Andy Cuomo. We will circle back to Ole Nancy a little later on.

ANDY DENIES IT ALL

It pains me Deano, to see your Pulitzer Prize winning, apolitical, unbiased news outlet join the lynch mob going after New York’s favorite son, Andy Cuomo. This in conjunction with CNN’s smear campaign, who by the way employs Andy’s brother Fredo, I mean Chris. This assault by the two most trusted news outlets, is an outrage. I mean shouldn’t you be focusing on the important issues like President Trump’s tax return from 1997, or the obvious Russian collusion that caused the lovely Hillary to go down in a ball of flames. What has happened to your apolitical reporting over there at The Old Gray Lady? Very disappointing Deano.

How can such political beacons of integrity such as Chuckie Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Jerry Nadler and the ever competent Billie Deblasio turn their backs on Andy in his time of need. When they asked Joey his opinion, he said he thinks Mario is doing a great job and will beat Ed Koch in the next election! They reached out to Kamala, but she is touring Viet Nam and incommunicado, purportedly she is eating donuts on the same anti aircraft gun that Patriot Jane Fonda posed on all those years ago. President Trump is a racist.

Well, as you can imagine the radical right is eating up all this negative coverage. They point to Andy’s video taped kissing and groping montage, that he showed after the NY attorney general Letitia James’ press conference. They referred to it as ridiculous, unhinged, and absurd—him blaming it on his parents and Italian heritage. I do have to admit though, as I am Italian, I don’t recall any events where cupping a woman’s breast under her shirt was deemed acceptable. Maybe Mario had a different set of rules for his kids, or that is an Italian custom that no one apparently knows about? I know many Italian’s are not happy with Andy boy’s explanation.

The right points out that this toxic, bullying, narcissistic behavior of Andy’s has been going on for years. It was kept in check by his squad, especially, the lovely Melissa DeRosa. Several past and present aides and representatives point out his vitriolic, volcanic attacks which invited an atmosphere of intimidation and fear. This in addition to the serial claims of sexual abuse and harassment. Published report’s even have his ex-wife Kerry Kennedy locking herself in a bathroom in fear of this hot tempered narcissistic sociopath. I think Andy may have blamed this on being Italian also.

They point out that just about every Democrat is jumping on the bandwagon attacking Andy. Well most are, those patron saints of the Democratic Party Bill and Hillary haven’t caved yet. Andy is even using ole Bill’s defense, just deny everything, fantastic strategy. Unless of course, someone shows up with a blue dress, then not so much. Maybe he could use Michael Avenatti (extortion, porn star expert) to represent him…….when is he due out of prison anyway? Better scratch that one too.

Maybe he could focus on the thousands of seniors he sent to their deaths to take the heat off the sexual assault/harassment charges? Or possibly, the fudging of the numbers on the actual death count. Or possibly, using government workers to work on his fictional novel. Or possibly, the preferential treatment his family got for covid testing early during the plandemic.

I know……..just blame all of this on being Italian. That should work. Maybe to lighten up the tension a bit, he could hand out cannolis at the impeachment trial. He could walk into the trial to the sounds of Dean Martin singing, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. After all, his brother doesn’t call him the love gov for nothing.

Finally, when is your re election endorsement coming for Andy. He needs your usual support there Deano. Also, let’s try and stay focused here, your primary job is to malign President Trump and his family, ad nauseam!

NANCY, THE DEVOUT CATHOLIC (self proclaimed)

With all the turmoil going on within the Democratic party at least we can look to the angelic, grandmotherly figure, the legendary Nancy Pelosi. I ask you Deano, is there a more warm, fuzzy and honest person in politics, or media. Oh sure, there is always Hillary, Maxine, Joy Behar, Samantha Bee (classy lady who made crude comments about the Presidents daughter). I wonder how that comment would have flown if the same reference had been made against Barack and Michael’s daughter? The only one who might give ole Nanc a run for the money is, the lovely Jen Psaki. Have you ever seen a more honest, warm individual. Shame on the right for labeling her the female Joesph Goebbels, princess of propaganda.

Look at all that has transformed in the great state of California. They now have FREE camping throughout the state from Venice beach to her home district of San Francisco. Of course, you have to avoid the feces, urine, garbage and used syringes. I think that is a small price to pay for free camping, eh Deano? President Trump is a racist!

I understand they also have a free shopping program out there in San Fran. I see some of their respectable citizens filling up bags and suitcases with goods and just walking out the door. It is even encouraged by idle security guards. Odd though Walgreens, Target and the like are closing all around the city? Is it possible that Nancy is footing the bill with her estimated net worth of $196,000,000? Bravo Nancy, giving to the less fortunate. Now I see why you call yourself a “devout Catholic.”

I understand, gas is averaging $4.50 a gallon out there in sunny California. This shouldn’t effect Nancy though, you see her husband Paul is a savvy stock investor. As a matter of fact, he exercised some stock options on the tech giant Alphabet recently. It netted him approximately $5,300,000, well done Mr. Pelosi. Coincidentally, this transaction took place one week before The House Judiciary Committee pushed antitrust bill meant to reign in the unregulated power of big tech companies………..such as Alphabet. How’s that for timing, huh Deano? When they questioned Nancy about the timing of this stock trade, she said, she knew nothing about this transaction. There is that honesty thing again, from this self proclaimed “devout Catholic.” I understand where she is coming from though, sometimes my wife may grab a $5 or $10 from my wallet and not tell me. So, we are in the same boat, I don’t know every financial transaction that goes on at home either. So, ease up radical right with your screaming of gross impropriety!

It hasn’t been all wine and roses for ole Nancy(well, maybe some wine). Recently there was a dust up in the Oval Office from unidentified sources. It seemed Nancy was to meet with Joey for some afternoon TV and snacks, in her case $13 pints of gourmet ice cream. Well, her and Joey got into it over what show they where going to watch. She wanting to watch Judge Judy and Joey wanting to watch his go to show, Matlock. Well, tempers flared and shouting ensued. By then, Doctor Jill came rushing in and put an end to it and gave them both a time out! So she laid out POTUS AND SOTH blankets for a nap and gave them their nightcaps. Well, after about an hour they woke up, in a much better mood. Nancy took her teeth out of the glass holding them, and dove into some Rocky Road (her favorite, we’re told). Joey had his usual jello and fig newtons with milk, then they came to a compromise; they would watch Murder She Wrote. We are told Nancy especially likes this show as she used to babysit Angela Landsbury, when she was in college.

Nancy is hard at work trying to get the roughly $1,000,000,000,000 infrastructure bill passed. She has recently said this will not pass unless the radical right votes in her additional $3,500,000,000,000 “infrastructure bill.” They would both be passed or neither would be passed, she declared.

When is the radical right going to realize that child tax credits, child care, paid family leave, the Dream act, a Civilian Climate Corps, Medicare expansion, amnesty for illegal aliens, mileage gas tax, advance racial equity and environmental justice, eliminate racial and gender inequities, etc, etc, etc, etc ……..are obviously considered infrastructure. Come on man, get with it Conservatives. Nancy has aligned herself with some of the most reasonable and respected representatives such as Bernie Sanders and AOC. Especially AOC, because she brokered that deal to bring all those jobs to New York with that Amazon deal……….wait, wait we better scratch that one. In all fairness to AOC, I don’t think they teach those sort of things in Bartender school.

Well, that is it for today Deano. Any chance that you are going to Barack Hussein’s birthday bash? I was wondering, if I do get my invite, could I grab a lift in your limo. Or, if you like we could split an Uber together? Or will you be out in the tony diverse town of Larchmont California, where your estate is? Anyway, hope to see you there, maybe we can get an anti Trump chant with the ever even keeled Bobby DeNiro. I would love to find out if he is doing a sequel to his masterpiece The Intern, my personal favorite, or perhaps a sequel Dirty Grandpa?

Keep up the honest, apolitical, unbiased reporting there Deano. It must make you very proud to look at that front page of yours everyday. Let the others spew their propaganda, unlike them, you have no political agenda. Thank goodness for credible outlets like The Times and of course CNN. Your integrity knows no bounds. Just a fantastic example for all of our children. Well done Deano, we’ll done.

©Chris Cirino. All rights reserved.

VIDEO: Home COVID Test!

Since it was recently revealed by the CDC that the existing COVID tests don’t discriminate between the CCP Virus (Covid) and any other strain of the Flu this seems a better test to me.

©This political satire video is republished with permission. All rights reserved.