Pelosi Says She Will Arrest Any Congressperson Caught With Copy Of The Constitution

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi announced today that she will strictly be enforcing her anti-Constitution rule at the Capitol and that any congressperson caught carrying a copy of the document will be arrested.

“I’ve instructed Capitol Police to arrest anyone with this dangerous document,” she said. “It has harmful misinformation in there about how you can just go about doing whatever you want, which is against the public health. This is for your own good. Anyone with the documents will be arrested and sent to jail without trial, as this is a public health emergency.”

Experts applauded the move, praising Pelosi’s courage to “do whatever is needed” to protect the public from all the infectious freedoms that have been proven by the experts to spread infection. “The Founding Fathers could have never foreseen people getting sick and dying,” said the experts. “We’re sure they’d totally understand the need to scrap the Constitution in this instance.”

Luckily, no Democrats or Republicans were caught with a copy of the Constitution.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is Republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Dems Considering Another Lockdown To Wipe Out The Few Small Businesses That Survived The Last One

U.S.—Democrat governors and policymakers across the nation are considering another lockdown to wipe out the few small businesses that somehow managed to survive the previous lockdowns.

“We’ve received word that new, deadly variants of small businesses, um, I mean COVID, are popping up in spite of our best efforts to crush them forever,” said Pelosi in her classic charming way at a press conference. “We need at least one more extended lockdown so that those pesky small businesses are utterly ruined to make way for the woke mega-corporations we all know and love. Um, I mean, let’s defeat Delta variant or whatever.”

Reporters then asked her to repeat herself, as the loud rattling noises from her jewelry, or her skeleton—it was unclear which—had drowned out the sound of her voice.

According to experts, up to 6 more months of extreme lockdowns may be needed in order to kill all the remaining small businesses so companies like Walmart, Amazon, and Blackrock can swoop in and take ownership of more land and market share.

“If we do this together, as Americans, we can rid America of the scourge of small business, um, I mean COVID,” said Pelosi.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

American People Call On Capitol Police To Arrest All Of Congress Whether They’re Wearing A Mask Or Not

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The American people took to the streets on Friday to call on the Capitol Police to arrest all members of Congress whether they were wearing a mask or not.

This surprising development came two days after Nancy Pelosi announced that any House staff or visitors not wearing a mask would be prevented from entering the building, asked to leave, or be arrested.

Republican Representative Kevin McCarthy accused Speaker Pelosi of being a hypocrite when he later said, “Twice today I saw the speaker in a crowded room without a mask, less than 24 hours after imposing the mask mandate.”

Speaker Pelosi then shot back that Rep. McCarthy was a “such a moron” in an escalation of words on Thursday.

“I know you are but what am I?” shot back McCarthy.

“ENOUGH,” shouted the American people on Friday as they peacefully marched in every major American city just as they did throughout all of 2020 in every demonstration for social justice and police reform. Now they are demanding political reform through the common sense arrest and removal of all members of Congress.

At publishing time, many peaceful protesters were carrying signs which read “DEFUND CONGRESS” and “PROTECT OUR SOCIETY FROM CHILDISH SOCIOPATHS” and similar slogans.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

The Babylon Bee Presents: A Back-To-School Shopping List For Your Conservative Child

It’s almost that time of year again! Public schools will be starting in a few weeks! Time to send your conservative little tikes into a hostile den of godless commies. How will they survive? Make sure they’re ready with this conservative shopping list!

-Fireproof American flag to carry around: Public school teachers are always on the lookout for American flags to burn. Be prepared!

-Commie repellent spray: Pretty much just bear spray, but it also works on commies.

-Extra bacon to help them counteract that dumb healthy school lunch program: Arm your child with real AMERICAN food! Come and take it, Obama!

-Kids size ‘I Identify As Vaccinated’ t-shirt: Teachers must respect your child, no matter how he identifies.

-CRT canceling headphones: Any time your kid’s teacher starts to teach her racist Marxist garbage, he can pop in those headphones and listen to Ben Shapiro!

-Brass knuckles: For the commies.

-Crayons with all the primary colors removed so he doesn’t accidentally draw an LGBTQ+ rainbow flag: Stick to grey, black, brown, and salmon, just to be safe.

-Scissors to cut the masks off his peers and set them free: Just remind him not to run with them and we’re sure it will be totally fine.

-Wire and spy camera so you can secretly record the teacher teaching CRT: Then you can send the recording to Christopher Rufo. Busted!

-Fake Das Kapital book covers to disguise his Bible and Tuttle Twins books: Then put them in a fireproof backpack so the teachers can’t burn them.

-A watch that only displays the national debt: Your child must always be reminded of the impending doom wrought by runaway government spending.

-Glasses that make him colorblind: That way he won’t see race.

-Extra boxes of tissues to help his classmates wipe their liberal tears: A great way for him to make some friends.

-A school voucher to let him go to a non-commie private school: If you manage to snag one of these, you won’t really need the rest of this stuff. Except for the commie spray. That’s always good to have on hand.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘I Thought I Was Going To Die’, Says Capitol Police Officer Who Held Door Open For Protestors On Jan. 6

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a harrowing testimony before the January 6th Committee, Capitol Police Officer Lenny Burbo revealed his paralyzing fear as MAGA terrorist insurrectionist racists stormed the Capitol.

“I stood there, paralyzed by fear as I held the door open so people could enter,” said Burbo. “As boomer after boomer entered the facility in an orderly line and began to take selfies, I saw my life flash before my eyes. I literally thought I was going to die.”

When asked why he had politely held the door open for everyone to enter the building unimpeded, he replied that he feared for his life and that one of the larger rioters had come up to him and said “step aside cupcake” in an intimidating voice.

“I knew my only option was to step aside or be drawn and quartered by a throng of evil bad people who voted for Trump and are also racist,” he said as tears welled up in his eyes.

Officer Burbo has been awarded a medal of bravery since even though he opened the door for rioters, he really didn’t want to do it, and his heart was in the right place.

The FBI has issued a warrant for the man who called Officer Burbo a “cupcake” and is asking anyone with information to call Nancy Pelosi’s office immediately.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

7 Signs You Might Have Been Brainwashed by the Media

Here are seven signs you might have been indoctrinated by biased news sources:

1) You often begin conversations with “You know, the experts are saying…” – If you find yourself citing “the experts” all the time, you might be relying too much on biased news sources.

2) You don’t know what to think about an issue until you check what Jimmy Kimmel has to say about it. – Needing the late-night comedians to help you form an opinion is a bad sign.

3) You’re starting to think The Last Jedi isn’t that bad of a movie. – A sure sign you’re listening to journalists too much.

4) You swoon every time you see a picture of Biden eating ice cream. – You might be beyond help at this point.

5) You always check under your bed for Russian spies. – If you do this every night, start to get worried.

6) You’ve been hiding in your basement eating emergency rations since spring of 2020. – This might mean you’re paying too much attention to the doomsday news prophets.

7) You’re worried about every little thing that happens because you forget that Whatever the news, the purpose of the Lord will stand. – The surest sign of all and not really satire.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

American Women’s Soccer Team Defeated After Opponents Play U.S. National Anthem During Game Forcing Them To Kneel The Whole Time

TOKYO—The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team’s Olympic hopes are once again in jeopardy after opponents came up with a clever way to defeat them: playing the U.S. national anthem during every game so that the women have to kneel the entire time.

It’s a move many are calling the “greatest 4D chess move of all time.” Some are even saying it’s the most important strategy developed in soccer since the kick was invented. Many are hopeful it will even get Americans interested in watching soccer again.

“It’s a genius strategy,” said one commentator as a singer on the sidelines began singing, “O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light” over the stadium’s sound system. Megan Rapinoe was going to intercept a pass but dutifully took a knee and was forced to turn over the ball to the other team, or however it is that soccer works. “Beautiful play there! It’s going to be tough to see the U.S. women recover from this one!”

“Oooh, and now the singer is going hard into the ‘home of the brave’ stanza, really forcing the U.S. women to stay kneeling. “Wicked brilliant!” (We are told “wicked brilliant” means “cool” or “dope” in British.)

At the end of their first match in which the opposing team employed this tactic, the women lost 27-1, having scored one goal when Rapinoe stood up briefly when the singer ran out of breath.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Top 10 Reasons You Should Just Turn Your Guns Over To The Government TODAY

So, you still have guns in your house, huh?

First of all, shame on you. Second of all, we realize you may be slightly hesitant about just turning them all over to the government, so we put together a list of reasons (out of the hundreds of reasons) you should just turn in your guns right now. Read and learn, you bitter clinger!

1) The government is very trustworthy and would never hurt anyone: Also, they have nukes. Resistance is futile. Just hand ’em over!

2) With your gun safe empty, you now have a neat place to hide when robbers break into your home: Let your gun safe keep YOU safe! As an added bonus, you can now use your gun safe to store all your surgical masks and vaccination cards!

3) Instead of shooting clays on Thanksgiving, you can play great games with your family, like Monopoly: Nothing brings a family together like Monopoly!

4) The government needs your guns so they can shoot people trying to sell loose cigarettes: Donate your firearms to the noble cause of fighting the evil forces trying to sell untaxed cigarettes to people who can’t afford a full pack!

5) You can spend the time you used to spend at the gun range educating yourself: With time, maybe you can learn to be less problematic.

6) The government will donate your guns to a noble cause: Like drug cartels and insurgents in the Middle East. Think of how much good your gun could be doing right now in the government’s hands!

7) You can rest assured knowing that criminals will turn in their guns too: Criminals always do the right thing when given the chance.

8) Now you can defend your home with a cool spiked mace and broadsword: Come on—who doesn’t want to do this? Turn in your gun and defend your home like a REAL man.

9) You’ll be a rich man not having to buy ammo: Aren’t you tired of getting in fights with your wife about how much you spend on guns and ammo? Plus, you’ll have more money to spend on masks!

10) What’s the worst that could happen? Just give it a try! Could be fun, actually!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

JOEY’S TOWN HALL TRIUMPH: Joey nails it again!

We’ll, I hope today finds you well Deano. There has been a lot going on since we last spoke. The first thing I would like to comment on is Joey firing on all cylinders at the town hall meeting hosted by the apolitical Don Lemon, esteemed anchor of CNN. He sure held Joey’s feet to the fire, but our fearless leader, as usual was up to the task.

Let’s try and hit on a couple of the high points, before commenting on the radical rights take on Joey’s performance. I think he hit his high note when questioned about the vaccine rollout in regards to children.

Well Joey dove right into this one. He replied, ”the question is whether or not we should be where you should be put in the position where you, um, are-why can’t the, the experts say, ‘ We know what this virus is, in fact, um, it’s going to be’ or excuse me, ‘We all know all the drugs approved are not temporarily approved, but permanently approved.’ That’s under way too, I expect that to occur quickly.”

How could anyone be critical of that response, simply brilliant. Concise, straight to the point, and delivered with such authority. What a representative of the once most powerful country in the world. I hope other world leaders were watching this oratory masterpiece, this will make them think twice about confronting Joey on an open stage.

One of the other highlights of the evening had to be when Joey took on criticism from the right. Joey says, the country needs to get beyond the QAnon conspiracy theories. He went on, “But some of the stuff- I mean QAnon, the idea that Democrats or Biden, is hiding people and sucking the blood of children- no, I’m serious. That’s- now you may not like me, and that’s your right. Look, it’s a simple thing. You can walk out and say, I just don’t like the way that guy wears his tie. I’m voting against him. You have a right to do that. You have a right to do that.”

I believe there are simply no words to describe this masterpiece, what an explosive diatribe. Joey says though he is serious, the right is saying he sucks the blood of children. Maybe Nancy could start a sucking children’s blood commission, to get to the bottom of this. Maybe get Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler (impeachment experts), to head this one up. Two of the most honest and well respected legislators on the hill, second only to Nancy of course. President Trump is a racist!

Well, the radical right would have none of this. The attacks were fierce and nonstop.

Calling out his vaccine roll out reply, as something simply painful to watch. A rambling, incoherent mish-mosh; that putting out this obviously feeble man is akin to elder abuse. How Jill Biden, can watch her husband flounder on stage is beyond belief, does she have no compassion or empathy. Accusing CNN of being shameless, and asking that they abolish these idiotic, sham spectacles. Together with Joey’s one and done press conference, it is more than obvious they are trying to shield his vastly diminished mental acuity. That’s the presser where Joey had a cheat sheet with PICTURES of reporters not to call on. Only softball questions from liberal reporters to try and protect him. How long is this train wreck of public appearances going to last, again shameless, they say.

The right is also concerned with his frequent remarks in regards to children. The “drinking blood of children” comment has raised quite a few eyebrows. This after several other comments in regards to children.

His comments about when he would “come out of the water, and kids would rub the water off the hair on his legs, and then sit in his lap.” This was when he was a lifeguard, I believe, only the shallow end mind you, due to his asthma issue. The issue that got him 5 deferments during the Viet Nam War, one more than President Trump that was given so much coverage.

Or the now infamous one, talking to a 12 year daughter of a service man, “look at you sitting there with your legs crossed, and barrettes in you hair, you look like a 19 year old. They want to know exactly what this man is thinking? Or better yet, not thinking? His comments about children are creepy at best, and vile and disgusting more like it. The nerve of these people, huh, Deano?

On a side note, reliable sources (the same ones that Wapo, and CNN used numerous times with President Trump), said “Dr.” Jill was livid over this last ridiculous statement uttered by Joey. Well, she has had enough. The next day after this 1/4 full of capacity town hall meeting, the good “Dr.” delved out her punishment. After Ole Joe woke from his usual afternoon nap she refused to give him his Fig Newton’s and milk before watching Matlock, and Judge Judy. Then to add insult to injury, she made Joe get his punishment chair and sit in the corner and think about what he said. Well, sources say, Joey has been walking around the Oval Office for hours, looking for a corner to sit in!

HUNTER ENJOYS A NEW CAREER

It seems that Hunter has embarked on a new career path. I mean is there anything this guy can’t do? First he flourished in his navel career, until he received an administrative discharge due to drug abuse infractions. But while he was in, Joey says he was a shining star. Who knows, if not for this minor infraction, he possibly could have commanded a battleship or perhaps an aircraft carrier? Maybe been in charge of his own fleet. I see it already, the name Biden spoken of in the same breath as Halsey or Nimitz!

Then he entered into the energy field. He rose up the ladder very fast, some may say astoundingly fast. He shortly there after was sitting on the board of directors for Burisma Holding Ltd. Get this, at a reported salary of $83,000 a MONTH. Well, if you want specialized talent, I guess you have to pay for it. Although, I’m not really sure that Hunter had any experience at all in this field. I understand at the pinnacle of his career, he was in charge of replacing the copier paper and taking the lunch orders for the other board members. For the life of me, I don’t know why he left this position, I mean 83k a month is not chump change. But alas, it was not meant to be. It was on to bigger and better things, GREENER pastures as they say.

It was into the art world for Hunter. Some of his early work looks absolutely off the charts. His drizzling of colors with the use of one of his spare straws, is simply magnificent. I believe, his works will start out at 75k and move up to a top price of 500k. Bravo Hunter, bravo. Earlier this month, a Picasso from 1919, sold for $150,000; days later some of Hunter’s will be going for $500,000. Who could argue with these price points. I mean who hasn’t strolled through a farmers market, or arts and crafts festival- and seen newly established artists selling their wares for say $50, $100, $200, or even $500,000. Ease up radical right.

The good news is that the buyers will remain anonymous, this will keep at bay the accusations of impropriety and provide transparency. This was the reasoning of the lovely Jen Psaki, who the right refers to as the female Joseph Goebells, princess of propaganda. I don’t see it do you Deano?

One day the right will be sorry, when Hunters name resonates with the likes of Van Gogh, Picasso, Rembrandt, Dali and the like. You just wait radical right, you’ll be sorry.

The thing that really gets me though Deano. I can take the outlandish accusations from the Conservatives, but now some of Joey and Hunters closest allies are screaming IMPROPRIETY! Stalwarts, like the reputable news outlet CNN and the Washington Post are lining up with Conservatives calling out the administration and Hunter for a gross error in judgement.

Even O’bama-Biden administration head of the office of Government Ethics, Walter Shaun, told CNN on July 9, that what the White House is doing, letting Hunter Biden sell his artwork represents “the perfect mechanism for funneling bribes to Joey Biden.”
I tried to reach out to Barack Hussein, out at Martha’s Vineyard, but I got no answer. I really think Barack needs to get a cordless phone to cover his 29 acre compound, I can never reach that guy. President Trump is a racist!

THIS AND THAT

Is there any truth that a Go Fund me page has been set up for the Texas Democratic legislators who took flight to bypass a voting bill? Rumor is they are dreadfully low on Miller Lites, and are getting frantic. Maybe they could get Georgie Soros to kick in a few bucks, I understand he does ok. I think this set such a fantastic example to the children of America. When presented with a tough or unpleasant issue, it is always best to run away. In fairness, they did specify that they could only take the Miller Lites with them if they are 21; for those under 21, they recommend running away with their juice boxes…..very responsible.

Even the VP weighed in on this event, comparing this (what some say) adolescent petulant, hissy fit to the civil rights March on Selma. Some have attributed this utterly ridiculous statement to her lack of adequate rest, due to her strenuous 90 minute visit to El Paso, only a short month ago. When pressed on what policy changes she is taking to confront the border catastrophe- she got together with Ellen, put on their sneakers and laughed hysterically for 30 minutes straight, while dancing. It is amazing that she received less then 2% of the Democratic vote in the primaries. What were these people thinking? Her and her friend Willie Brown set a great example also, to the youth of America, as far as ethics and respectability.

You know Deano, I wanted to discuss the lovely, Grandmotherly Nancy Pelosi. She who is a self proclaimed devout Catholic, and boy does she ever set a religious, empathetic loving example. But, there is just too, too much to cover, perhaps later this week, we can circle back to her.

Lastly, Deano, I implore you to reach out to your fellow news outlets mainly CNN, and The Washington Post- to get them in line with their coverage of the artist Hunter Biden and Dad, Joey. For as usual you and your staff at The NY Times, never deviate. You only print unbiased, apolitical objective reporting with absolutely no hidden agenda. The example you set for our children is incalculable. How those who work at those propaganda machines can look at themselves in the mirror or more importantly at their innocent children is beyond me. Keep up the fantastic work there, Deano.

Dangerous New Freedom Variant Causing People To Ignore Government And Live Their Lives

U.S.—Experts are warning of yet another new problem facing the nation: They’ve spotted a new, more dangerous freedom variant spreading among the populace. This freedom is so virulent that people infected by it feel they can ignore government edicts about masks and lockdowns.

“Usually, the freedom we see in the wild is fairly mild,” explained CDC official Hubert Pratt. “It’s just freedom to passionately express one of the approved viewpoints on social media or freedom to pick one of the three Obamacare options. But now we see people acting like politicians aren’t in charge of them at all, and it’s dangerous.”

With the new freedom variant, there’s been an outbreak of people not wearing masks, teaching their children their own values, and expressing ideas the Biden Administration would rather they not. Moreover, this freedom is highly contagious, even sometimes breaking into blue states once thought to be immune.

Experts recommend only staying on highly moderated social media sites and watching approved network news to avoid being infected. They also tell people to watch out for the signs of this dangerous freedom variant in others: masklessness, smiling, and prominent displays of the American flag.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

CNN Airs Hour-Long PSA On Warning Signs Of Dementia

CINCINNATI, OH—As part of a campaign to raise awareness and improve public knowledge on treatment options, CNN aired an hour-long public service announcement on the warning signs of dementia Wednesday night.

The PSA, which ran over an hour, showed tragic footage of an old man ranting and making nonsensical, confusing statements.

CNN says they hope the footage will encourage family members of the elderly to get them tested for the early warning signs of dementia. The cable news channel displayed a phone number for a hotline people can call if they believe someone they know might be suffering from symptoms of the condition.

“If you or a loved one act like this man,” said Don Lemon, “please, we beg you, get help. Slurred speech, inaccurate statements, an inability to remember where you are—these are all signs that your loved one might be suffering from dementia, whether he’s retired or the president of the United States.”

“… and we’d take the rhubarb and we’d put it in the pie, right in the ol’ pie,” the old man said suddenly, in a rare moment of lucidity. “It was incredible. You wouldn’t think rhubarb would taste good, but it’s the sweetness. The strawberries. The strawberries. The strawberries. That’s what makes it work! Airplanes! Airplanes are neat, you know, but they’re a myth. How do they get them up there? They don’t—d-d-don’t even have feathers.”

Many of the attendees were touched by both the PSA and the old man.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Inspiring: US Women’s Soccer Team To Boycott Scoring Goals Until Racism Is Defeated

TOKYO—People were stunned after the U.S. women’s soccer team lost to Sweden in the Olympics this week by a score of 3-0—until the team revealed they are boycotting scoring any goals until racism is defeated.

“Yeah, we didn’t score any goals against Sweden last night, but that was totally on purpose,” said star player and beloved activist Megan Rapinoe. “This isn’t the time to score goals—when America is still racist. We totally could have beaten Sweden but we decided as a team that no goals will be scored until complete equality has been achieved in America. Also, we demand a hefty raise.”

Onlookers were stunned during the second half of the game when Rapinoe dribbled the ball all the way to Sweden’s unprotected goal and whispered “This is for you, people of color,” before kicking the ball straight into the air and running headfirst into the goalpost.

“This may be one of the most powerful performances in the history of sports,” said Teen Vogue‘s sportswriter who has never watched sports.

The U.S. Women’s team is demanding to remain in the Olympic tournament and promises to continue its streak of zero goals. Inspiring!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

CNN Introduces Premium Subscription Service That Blocks All CNN Programming From View

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has unveiled an exciting new subscription service, CNN+, that blocks all CNN programming from view for the low, low price of $15 per month.

The move is expected to save CNN from bankruptcy, as the highly anticipated feature already has millions of sign-ups. Many thought CNN would not recover from the post-Trump years, but it appears people will actually pay not to have to ever see CNN again.

“We’re giving the people what they want,” said Brian Stelter. “And what they want, apparently, is to see a whole lot less of me.”

Subscribers will never again have to see a CNN broadcast, whether they’re at the airport, a hotel lobby, or they accidentally surf on by the channel while trying to turn into a real news station. Advanced streaming technology allows CNN+ to detect when a subscriber is in the vicinity of a public television playing CNN, and the system will automatically block all programming from view.

People who subscribe to the higher tiers of the subscription platform will get additional perks, like three throws at Brian Stelter perched above a dunk tank. Oh, and it’s filled with alligators!


Babylon Bee subscriber Dan Dillon contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by the Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Desperate Humanity Sends Robot Back To 2004 To Stop Mark Zuckerberg From Ever Inventing Facebook

CAMBRIDGE, MA—With humanity languishing under the evil tyranny of Facebook, everyday citizens have pooled their resources together to send a killer robot back in time to 2004 to prevent Mark Zuckerberg from inventing the wicked technological scourge in the first place.

“We’ve created the ultimate bionic A.I. humanoid to find Zuckerberg and prevent this dark future before it begins,” said Bubba Crullers, head technician on the project. “We’re not trying to kill him or anything– instead, we’ve programmed the robot to befriend young Mark and try to get him really into World of Warcraft, or introduce him to a really beautiful but controlling girlfriend, or make him take up bass guitar and join a lousy punk band, or convince him to study abroad in Tibet and become a monk.”

“Whatever works– we don’t care. We just have to stop Facebook.”

Experts predict that as soon as the robot’s mission is completed, utopia will instantly break out around the earth, no one will ever believe any misinformation about anything ever again, and conservative uncles will have more time to watch World War II documentaries.

(Update: According to sources, the robot has completed its mission, which unfortunately caused young Zuckerberg to focus his energy on uploading his consciousness to a globally-connected supercomputer and he now rules the world. So, that backfired. All hail Zuck!)

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Dangerous Anti-Science Extremists Hold Super-Spreader Event In D.C.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The World Health Organization has issued a travel warning for anyone traveling to D.C. this week since according to several reports, a plane full of COVID infected anti-science extremists from Texas have flown to the nation’s capital and are conducting deadly super-spreader events there.

“According to eyewitnesses, these Grandma-killing monsters didn’t even wear masks on the plane,” said WHO Director Bill Who. “It’s absolutely frightening to think that there are still kooky science deniers like this still running around out there spreading COVID from their disgusting maskless mouths.”

According to the Secret Service, several of these extremists attempted to literally murder Vice President Kamala Harris with COVID by meeting up with her and shaking hands while not wearing masks.

“This is sociopathic,” said local elderly D.C. resident Joe Biden. “It makes ya wonder what kind of misinformation these genocidal maniacs have been reading on the Facebook.”

Authorities say the extremists are still at large and should be considered extremely dangerous.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.