WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokeswoman for President Biden said Wednesday that he remains committed to rolling back all of former President Donald Trump’s policies, including peace in the Middle East. Palestinians in the West Bank voiced their collective approval by launching celebratory rockets into Israel.

“Everything President Trump did was completely wrong, so the opposite of what he did must be right,” said White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki. “Thus, the Biden administration remains committed to doing the opposite of everything Donald Trump did in the Middle East as well.”

Psaki said the administration’s new Middle East policy calls for as much violence as it takes to completely eradicate the peace brought about by Donald Trump. “The people of this region lost many good years of violence and bloodshed,” Psaki noted. “We’re going to make that up to them, even if it takes decades of war to do so.”

A reporter asked if peace in the Middle East was actually a good thing no matter which president brought it about, but Psaki rejected that notion outright. “Let’s not lose sight of the most important factor here, which is orange man bad,” she said.

Psaki then noted that the Biden administration is committed to rolling back many other Trump policies such as affordable gasoline, low unemployment rates, and general economic prosperity. “We’re going to do the opposite,” Psaki said. “All that stuff has got to go.”

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden proposed a $2 trillion spending bill Monday for the purpose of determining the cause of rising inflation. This is Biden’s fourth proposed $2 trillion bill in as many months.

“The cause of inflation is a major concern for all Americans,” Biden told reporters. “Rest assured, your government is committed to spending however much taxpayer money it takes to get to the bottom of this malarkey!”

According to Biden, the cause of the rapid increase in inflation has been baffling his economic experts for weeks. “All we know is that some mysterious event happened around January 20th which caused inflation to skyrocket out of control,” Biden said. “We don’t know what that event was exactly, but we do suspect President Trump was involved somehow. And maybe Russia.”

Biden noted that his willingness to spend trillions to study the problem shows just how seriously he takes the threat of inflation. “I can’t remember the last time anyone proposed a $2 trillion spending bill to Congress,” he stated. “I mean that honestly: I can’t remember. Say, what were we talking about again?”

In the meantime, officials from the US Treasury as well as the CDC have advised the public to start carrying double wallets to protect their money and help slow the spread of inflation.

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BURBANK, CA—Disney confirmed today that all releases of The Empire Strikes Back will be rereleased with Darth Vader delivering his iconic line “No — I am your father!” as “No — I am your non-birthing person!”

The change will be more inclusive to non-binary people, who all love Star Wars, though most of them have only seen The Last Jedi. But Disney is hopeful this will get these new loyal fans to watch the rest of the movies and buy more merchandise.

“Think about all the trans people who have had to watch Empire and suffer in silence as Vader uses the word ‘father,'” said Kathleen Kennedy. “We all know that the main thing people love about Star Wars is the love, inclusion, and… harmony? I think harmony is in Star Wars. Also dinosaurs. I’m not sure, I’ve never watched a Star War. But that is what I am told.”

Not to be outdone, Warner Bros. will release a new Inclusive Cut of the Director’s Cut of Batman vs. Superman, where Batperson is stunned to find out that Superperson’s birthing person’s name is also Martha.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism.

“Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective,” said the anonymous source. “But that’s been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, Stacey Abrams, or Joy Behar. Sometimes we’ll really ramp things up and make them watch Coca-Cola’s diversity training on a 12-hour loop.”

Terror suspects will be subjected to lengthy lectures about cis-male privilege, heteronormative patriarchy, and microaggressive mansplaining. Sources say these lectures are 1,282% more effective than regular old waterboarding.

Critics have criticized the new interrogation method, saying that such cruel torture should be limited only to American universities.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the wake of a black man from the South expressing optimism about race in America, outraged liberals across the nation are doing everything in their power to crush that kind of positive thinking before it really gets out of hand.

“Look, black people are great and all, but they aren’t allowed to disagree with us,” explained Senator Chuck Schumer. “It’s pretty simple. Any black person who has the nerve to disagree with us is just a dumb puppet for white people. Or, as our great President once said, they aren’t even black! Now, we need liberals everywhere to remind Senator Scott that America is terrible and there is simply no way for black people to succeed without the graces of kindly Democrats. Leftist mob – assembllllllllle!”

White progressives answered the bell, crashing the airwaves with messages touting their unmatched racism. “How could a silly Senator say something like that?” laughed Jimmy Kimmel as he finished cleaning off his blackface. “I know so much more about racism than a black man from the South, especially one whose grandparents picked cotton. Don’t worry, I’ll perform a hilarious monologue for white liberals about how dumb it is for a black man to think our country is good – that will really put him back in his place!”

If being taunted by people on Twitter and humorless monologues from guys wearing blackface don’t work, Democrats claim they have other tricks up their sleeves. Ideas include bringing back school segregation, teaching elementary-aged kids that America is racist, threatening corporations with repercussions if they don’t teach employees that white people are evil, fanning flames of division between black neighborhoods and police, pushing the theory in universities that our skin color is our primary identity, flinging accusations of racism in every policy argument, and making claims that voting policies supported by the majority of black Americans are really Jim Crow, amongst others.

Sources say that Senator Scott doesn’t watch Kimmel and doesn’t care about Twitter trolls, and so far believes exactly what he believed on Wednesday: that our sin is not the end of the story.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Senator Tim Scott said America is no longer a racist country, Democrats scrambled to prove him wrong. They quickly devastated his argument by going into storage and dusting off their old KKK hoods, which they then donned to show him just how racist America actually is.

“If America isn’t racist, would we be wearing these? Checkmate!” said Nancy Pelosi triumphantly as she solemnly put on the white hood. “Your move, Republicans.”

Chuck Schumer also put on a hood, having borrowed it from the Museum of Democratic History in D.C.

“My colleague is right — if we weren’t racist as Senator Tim Scott suggested, why would we put on these white hoods with no political repercussions whatsoever? It’s clear as day: America is racist.” Schumer went on to propose reenacting Jim Crow laws in order to dunk on Senator Scott and prove his argument “completely without merit.”

“Senator Scott is truly an ‘Uncle Tim’ after all.”

“Furthermore, we will begin instituting separate but equal Senate chambers for senators of color. Just to show them how racist America still is.” Reporters applauded Schumer for his bold move toward equality by saying and doing really racist things to show that America is still racist.

Pelosi and Schumer assured everyone they were wearing a smug look of being proven right on their faces, though you couldn’t tell. Because of the hoods.

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In our latest video, we give you an exclusive first look at the toy commercial for G.I. Pat — the genderless version of G.I. Joe! Watch as Pat punches Nazis in the face and shoots lasers at the most evil villain of all: Mike Pence!

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