More and more corporations are requiring their employees to be less white, in an attempt to stop racism forever. But it’s hard to know how to do that, since at first blush, that SEEMS really racist and impossible. But it’s not. It’s actually really easy if you follow these seven simple steps:
1. Burn all your Live, Laugh, Love signs. This is the first step to renouncing whiteness. Find every last “Live, Laugh, Love” sign in your home, every “Too Blessed To Be Stressed” trinket, and every “All I Need Is A Little Bit Of Coffee And A Whole Lot Of Jesus” mug and burn them as you think about your inherently sinful whiteness.
2. Rip off your skin. This is an easy one!
3. Kill yourself. Even easier! For best results, rip off your skin, then kill yourself.
4. Announce that you identify as a person of color. Wait, never mind. This one might be cultural appropriation. You also might be mistaken for a conservative trying to come up with a third joke.
5. Throw out all your ranch dressing. Ranch dressing, mayo — it’s all gotta go.
6. Take dance classes. This is a hard step, but it’s worth it. As you learn to dance to a beat, your whiteness will begin to melt away.
7. Hate yourself every waking moment until you have sufficiently atoned for your whiteness. Oops! Spoiler alert: you’ll never sufficiently atone for your whiteness. Better go back to step 3.
There you go! Racism ended forever!
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.