At a joint press conference former President Bill Clinton and comedian Bill Cosby announced they will co-author a new tell all book. The title of the book is The Art of Schlonging.
This announcement comes as Mr. Cosby has been formally charged with drugging and sexually assaulting Temple University employee Andrea Constand. The new book will be published by Robert Charles Joseph Edward Sabatini “Bob” Guccione, the founder of the adult magazine Penthouse. Mr. Guccione in a press release said:
This book will revolutionize sex in America. It is time for all sexual perverts to come out of the closet and be proud of their unique gifts. We will begin to tell the real story of the two Bills. Trust me, you will not be able to put the book down.
We are on the cusp of a second sexual revolution. Schlongers of the world unite!
Anthony Wiener, American politician and former U.S. representative who served New York’s 9th District, and his wife Huma Abedin, former senior aide to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, have agreed to do the forward to The Art of Schlonging. Wiener and Abedin noted, “We are proud of Bill and Hillary Clinton, our mentors in so many ways. We are honored to be asked by President Clinton to do the forward to his and Bill Cosby’s new book. We have patterned our marriage after theirs and wish Bill and Bill well.”
Mr. Cosby stated:
I am happy to partner, pun intended, with my best friend and sexual mentor Bill Clinton on The Art of Schlonging. Bill has always been my idol when it comes to schlonging. We first learned about our mutual interest at a White House dinner when I happened to walk in to the Oval Office to find Miss Lewinsky on her knees in front of the President.
I initially thought that Monica was doing what other Clinton supporters did, bowing down to America’s first black president, no offence to Barack. I then realized that Bill and I shared something much deeper, pun intended, than our first names. I am sure Monica knows what I mean.
Former President Clinton noted:
It is a great pleasure to write a book about my pleasures, LOL. Bill Cosby is one of the great actors of our time. I can appreciate that because I acted like the good husband to Hillary for 50 years. Bill and I have been discussing doing this joint, LOL, project for some time.
We finally decided to do it now to help get the word out that schlonging isn’t a bad thing, so long as you don’t get caught. We will show other young actors and up and coming, LOL, politicians how to get it, without getting caught at it.
Bill and I have agreed that all the proceeds from our book will go to the Bill and Hillary Clinton Foundation.
Alex Amouyel, Director of Programs for the Clinton Foundation, said, “The money will be used to help young women addicted to powerful men and those who would accept a drink from Bill Cosby.”
Monica Lewinsky gave a short statement, “I did not have sex with that man.”
The Walt Disney Company has bought the movie rights to The Art of Schlonging. The working title for the movie is Fifty Shades of Bill and Bill. Rumor has it that Quentin Tarantino, known for his non-linear story-lines, satirical subject matter, and anesthetization of violence, will produce and Oscar winning pedophile Roman Polanski will direct Fifty Shades of Bill and Bill. The Islamic State has agreed to provide Christian women as extras in the new film.
Robert Allen “Bob” Iger, chairman and chief executive officer of The Walt Disney Company, stated, “We are taking Disney in a new direction, one that will allow inclusion and tolerance for those men who suffer from passions beyond their control. We are considering an animated young adult version of Fifty Shades of Bill and Bill. It will take those who grew up with Cinderella and their children to a new level of self-awareness.”
Heidi Fleiss, known as “The Hollywood Madam” and the daughter of a prominent Los Angeles doctor, is being cast to play the part of Monica Lewinsky. Bill Clinton will be played by Bill Murray, who has been accused by his ex-wife of repeated, brutal physical abuse. Bill Cosby will be played by convicted rapist Mike Tyson, who now stars as a loveable cartoon TV detective.
The Hillary Clinton campaign in a press release stated, “The book will put to rest the notion that Hillary ever had sex with that man.” Chelsea Victoria Clinton, the alleged only child of former U.S. President Bill Clinton and former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, was not available for comment.
Donald Trump said during a campaign stop in North Carolina, “Finally, we will get to the bottom of the Clinton’s ‘war against women’. It is time for the truth to come out, no pun intended. Hillary and Bill are complicit in silencing the women whom Bill didn’t have sex with. Perhaps we need to redefine what sex really is? I am glad that I am not the only one using a derivative of the word ‘schlong.’ I will wait to see how NBC, CBS, ABC and Fox covers this announcement. Maybe now schlonged will become mainstream?”
UPDATE: Bill Clinton has announced that he will follow the Islamic State’s Rules for Rape. At a campaign stop for Hillary for President, former President Clinton said, “I have embrace the January 2015 Islamic State fatwa that outlines the Rules for Rape.” Clinton noted that the Rules for Rape are “much like our friend Bill Ayer’s Rules for Radicals but with a twist.”
Bill Cosby has not responded to inquiries on if he will follow the Islamic State’s Rules for Rape at this time. Crosby has sequestered himself from all media appearances.