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Snopes during White House visit produces Barack Obama’s genuine birth certificate

Snopes.com, which brands itself as “the definitive Internet reference source for urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation,” has recently made a claim that any stories about its alleged ties to the White House, as well as to Democratic activist groups and donors, are nothing more than “urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation.”

Snopes.com representatives, hereinafter referred to as SNOPES, made this statement at a recent meeting with Democratic activist groups and donors that happened at the White House.

SNOPES further promised to up their game debunking anything “fishy” anyone says about Obama, his administration, the Democratic activist groups and donors, or their proxies, as well as about their alleged ties with SNOPES.

SNOPES supported their statement with a substantial list of news stories and rumors they had discredited without any joint effort or coordination with Democratic organizations, which should serve as definitive proof of the Internet company’s uncoordinated, disjointed, and disorganized position on political issues.

In one example, SNOPES had proven without a shadow of a doubt that when a young Barack Obama registered at Columbia as a foreign student, it didn’t mean that he was a foreigner, or a student, or Barack Obama. Being registering at Columbia as “Barack” didn’t mean he was registered as “Barry Soetoro,” or anyone else impersonating anyone else, and that a man who was born in Nairobi wasn’t also simultaneously born in Honolulu and Jakarta; it should appear reasonable that a man with audacity can be born in several places at any one time, or “reborn,” or beamed to Earth from the dreams of his father, or someone else’s father – an explanation that should have satisfied anyone not totally deranged.

SNOPES had also clarified the confusion over the social security card issued to young Barry in Connecticut, a state that only gives such cards to those who were born and lived there. According to SNOPES, the fact that young Obama never visited Connecticut didn’t mean that he was the John Smith who had the same social security number and who had died decades before Barry was born, as clearly evidenced by the undeniable fact that the deceased had never filed a complaint of identity theft, nor had there been any record of a police report filed against Barry Soetoro in 1922. Furthermore, a dead man in one state having the very same number as one living in another didn’t mean that that Barack Obama’s younger self was not born ever, or that he never lived somewhere, which proves, ipso facto, that Barack Obama was indeed born and lived somewhere sometime.

Proving the skeptics wrong, SNOPES further produced Barack Obama’s genuine birth certificate printed from a real PDF file with five certified and notarized digital layers, which they copied from the Daily Kos website and reproduced on a vintage Hewlett-Packard inkjet printer using authentic 1961 HP ink cartridges. That the certificate contained a computer font from Microsoft Word was later explained in a signed statement from Bill Gates, assuring SNOPES readers that Windows operating system existed prior to Obama’s birth, as further evidenced by the 1954 movie Rear Window, directed by Alfred Hitchcock and starring James Stewart with Grace Kelly.

The SNOPES statement was followed by a short Q&A, during which former broadcast professional, Dan Rather, insisted that Obama’s four known birth certificates, as well as his multiple social security numbers and his sealed student records at Columbia contained proof that George. W. Bush was in Kenya during the Mau Mau uprising and could not have landed on the moon at the same time to meet with Dick Cheney, who was an extraterrestrial organizing the hobbits to assassinate JFK as Oliver Stone had claimed.

Before leaving the room, SNOPES took a moment to wipe off their fingerprints from the microphone and the podium, as well as to thoroughly debunk the allegation that they had ever been in that room, or ever met with the White House team, or contributed money to Barack Obama’s campaigns of 2007 and 2011 respectively – a statement that the White House immediately confirmed, adding, “but it wasn’t enough.”

EDITORS NOTE: A special thanks to Komrade Kommissar General Vassily Ilyich Chernobylski for major contributions to this reporting. This political satire column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.