If Iran can have its morality police, why not America?

That must be the thinking behind the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission’s latest move. In late April, they released a staggering 155 pages of new guidelines dictating proper workplace behavior for employers and employees to follow.

If these rules were applied to any workplace television sitcom — Cheers, Wings, The Office —those businesses would have been shuttered within weeks.

Frankly, I’m surprised the EEOC’s sanctimonious sermon wasn’t delivered from a pulpit.

Conveniently (I say this in jest) the EEOC’s guidelines provide plenty of laughable examples of workplace harassment to help us navigate these overbearing directives.

Take, for instance, the story of Rose.

Rose asks Dara, a mother of three, “Shouldn’t mothers stay at home with their kids?”

Later, Rose tells another co-worker, Sloan, who has no children, “Every woman should want a baby!”

According to the EEOC, both comments are examples of sex-based harassment. I kid you not.

“Based on these facts,” the EEOC says, “Rose’s conduct toward Dara and Sloan is based on their sex, even though they are all women.”

Silly? Absolutely. But not as foolish as this:

An example of age-based harassment, according to the EEOC, would be for an employer to suggest that an older worker enter retirement to “enjoy the ‘golden years.'”

Apparently, the EEOC thinks expressing views on motherhood and retirement are now forms of illegal harassment — at least inside the cubicle farm of gossiping employees.

Isn’t this every employee’s dream? Having the morality police ready to pounce on your every word? Who wouldn’t want the feds to dictate what’s moral, harassing, and illegal during those contentious water cooler discussions that could easily get out of hand?

But you’ll only know these rules if you slog through the EEOC’s tedious 155-page “Enforcement Guidance on Harassment in the Workplace.” Be warned, however, plowing through it makes Tolstoy’s War and Peace read like a bedtime story.

But do you really have a choice to ignore this pugnacious homily?

if you refuse to scour through this holy book of bureaucratic scripture, verse-by-verse, how would you ever know it’s considered sexual harassment not to use a co-worker’s preferred pronoun? Misgendering, as the EEOC says, is now “harassment based on sexual orientation or gender identity.”

And heaven forbid a customer should overhear that intentional misgendering. That customer might also contribute to the “hostile work environment” by using the “wrong” pronoun.

Naturally, if an employer must honor an employee’s preferred pronoun, they must also honor that person’s choice of bathroom and locker room.

Here’s how the EEOC defines “harassment based on sexual orientation or gender identity”:

“Repeated and intentional use of a name or pronoun inconsistent with the individual’s known gender identity (misgendering); or the denial of access to a bathroom or other sex-segregated facility consistent with the individual’s gender identity.”

This ruling means men identifying as women can now enter female bathrooms and locker rooms in facilities like fitness centers, healthcare facilities, factories, and entertainment venues.

And if you’re a woman showering in a locker room when a man pretending to be a woman walks in, don’t dare say something like, “You people need to stay out of here.”

That rebuff would constitute two forms of sexual harassment. Yes, two strikes!

Firstly, you’d be trying to deny a person the right to use the locker room of their gender choice. Secondly, you’d be contributing to a “hostile work environment” by using the phrase “you people,” which the EEOC considers forbidden “code words” designed to discriminate against a protected class.

With so many landmines in the 155-page guidance, the best recommendation is to say nothing to your co-workers: smile, nod, and keep walking.

But there is a way to push back against this federally mandated nonsense. And who better to lead the charge than some high school kids?

In Asheville, North Carolina, many students are now declaring their preferred pronoun is “U.S.A.,” much to the dismay of at least one school counselor.

“As you may or may not be aware, there is a TikTok trend where kids say, ‘my pronouns are U.S.A.,'” the upset counselor in the Buncombe County School District wrote.

“It’s quite offensive to those who are non-binary and do not identify with the typical ‘he/she,'” the counselor added. “I’ve heard at least 10 students say this today. What can we do to address this?”

The message to kids is clear: don’t play in or mess with our woke sandbox.

Ironically, the EEOC insists it’s not trying to create a “civility code that covers run-of-the-mill boorish, juvenile, or annoying behavior.”

Yet, that’s precisely what they’re doing, especially since phrases like “you people” and “golden years” are now considered unlawful harassment.

This is what happens when social norms break down, and moral decisions become a free-for-all. It allows anyone, especially those in power, to assume the role of moral arbiter and dictate acceptable behavior.

But as any student of the Bible knows, even God has to deal with people trying to find loopholes in His laws and commandments. So, what chance does the un-godly woke mob have? As TV mobster Tony Soprano would say, “Forget about it.”

I say go ahead. Tell your employer and coworkers your pronoun is U.S.A. Let’s see how long this EEOC directive lasts.

©2024. Martin Mawyer. All rights reserved.