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Obama visits Chipotle, pledges to bring more viruses to U.S.

BOSTON, MA — Yet another Mexican food chain became a victim of ethnic profiling by food-borne stomach viruses this Tuesday, when 80 Boston College students were sickened after eating at a nearby Chipotle restaurant, said a representative of the Movement for Nutritional Justice, a civil rights group monitoring cases of digestive inequality and oppression. The media was quick to call this “the worst attack since Taco Bell,” referring to the 2006 E. coli poisoning spree.

Equal redistribution of virusesMovement for Nutritional Justice organized a rally today protesting what they describe as a racially motivated assault by food-borne microorganisms, pointing to a pattern of discrimination against Mexican food chains, and demanding an equal redistribution of food-borne diseases in all ethnic restaurants.

They were joined by a number of virus and bacteria advocacy groups who expressed grave concerns over a possible backlash against all viruses and bacteria, many of whom had nothing to do with the Chipotle “lone wolf” outbreak, and urging Americans to stay away from using hand sanitizers and performing similar actions “driven by fear and Virusophobia.”

The protesters held dozens of printed signs that blamed Virusophobia on propaganda by big pharmaceutical companies who profit from our fears by selling antibacterial products. Statements in other signs ranged from “don’t blame all viruses for the actions of the few” to “embrace fever and vomiting as symptoms of diversity,” “diarrhea to those who say viruses cause diarrhea,” and “Virus will dominate the world.” These somewhat contradictory signs were often held by the same people, many of whom seemed to share membership in all of the attending groups.

The responsibility for the Tuesday attack was claimed by Norovirus – a little-known group of stomach viruses who experts say are not affiliated with the notorious international syndicate of E-coli bacteria, known for the recent simultaneous attacks that made 52 people in nine states sick after eating at Chipotle restaurants.

While the methods and modes of operation of both groups are similar – diarrhea, stomach cramps, and fever – experts claim that Norovirus is far more likely than E. coli to cause vomiting.

It remains unclear whether the Chipotle attackers acted on their own or in direct contact with the virus command center, but a Facebook post on the Norovirus page, now removed, praised the attackers for promoting the global state of diarrhea. The post also contained a group photo of the attackers, showing them under a sign with the words “Virus will dominate the world,” similar to the signs at the rally only much smaller.

Nutritional justiceU.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch pledged to a virus advocacy and lobbying group that she would take aggressive action against anyone who used “anti-Virus rhetoric” that “edges toward hygiene.”

Speaking to the audience at the Virus and Bacteria Advocates’ dinner at a generic ethnic restaurant, Lynch said her “greatest fear” is the “incredibly disturbing rise of anti-Virus rhetoric” in America and vowed to prosecute anyone guilty of advertising anti-bacterial hand soaps, bleaches, and other household cleaners.

President Obama addressed the nation today from Chipotle Grill, stating that “viruses and bacteria are woven into the fabric of our country since founding” and asking Americans to restrain from Virusophobia.

“If we begin to complain about vomiting, if we hate diarrhea – that’s not American. That’s not who we are,” the President said, pledging to bring thousands more viruses and bacteria into American neighborhoods by the end of his presidency.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. Trump has called for a ban of all viruses to America.