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Democrats Reveal They Have Planted Dynamite All Around Nation And Will Blow It Up If Biden Isn’t Elected

U.S.—In an address to the nation written using letters cut out from a magazine and glued to paper, the Democrats are offering their most persuasive case yet for Biden’s election. According to the letter, Democrats have planted booby traps rigged with dynamite all throughout the country, and they are set to explode if Biden is not elected president.

“Why so serious?” said Biden’s running mate Kamala Harris. “It’s just a little joke! The real joke is Trump, and we’re just joining in all the fun! HEE HEE HEE HA HO HA HEE HO!”

“Vote for Biden, or the country you love will be blown sky-high — HAHAHA!” cackled Nancy Pelosi. “If you don’t want to see the Lincoln Memorial, shall we say, in a state of disrepair, you’d better vote for the old, senile man! Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA… fnffff oh, do excuse me… ha ha ha ha ha! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” Her heavy makeup smeared down her face as she cried in laughter, making her resemble a clown.

In a statement, Biden’s teleprompter reiterated the point. “Threatening topline message: I’m not an agent of chaos,” Biden’s teleprompter said in a statement to the press. “But there are people out there who will create a lot of chaos if Trump is re-elected. Not that I want that to happen. I would hate to see something bad happen to this country. For your safety, I recommend voting for me. I’d hate for you to wake up with a horse’s head in your bed, or a bunch of killer clowns surrounding your house. Just give us what we want. It’s for your safety.”

Senator Mitt Romney also issued a video statement in support of Biden, flipping a coin and shouting about how blowing up the country would be much better than the bad orange man before he turned to reveal half his face had been burned off in a recent peaceful protest. “You either die a Republican or you live long enough to see yourself become basically a Democrat.”

Rep. Jerry Nadler revealed he has planted TNT all throughout the Capitol Building, as he wielded an umbrella and munched on some raw fish.

“A vote for Joe Biden is a vote to not die in an elaborately designed Rube Goldberg-style booby trap rigged with confetti and explosives,” said Biden Director of Strategic Communications Kamau Mandela Marshall. “He’s just trying to protect you. Let’s not blow this out of proportion.”

“Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!” Marshall then said as he attempted to push over a statue of Columbus, though it proved to be too heavy.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘The Right Wing Is Full Of Nutty Conspiracy Theorists,’ Says Woman Who Believes Putin Is Secretly Running The USPS

AUSTIN, TX—Right-wing conspiracy theories are really dangerous and they lead to violence in our streets and the breakdown of trust in our vital social institutions, like the very efficient and modern United States Postal Service. That is the word coming from area art teacher Diana MacDonald, who has also been quite vocal for three years, though lacking any concrete evidence, about a conspiracy in which Donald Trump colluded with Vladimir Putin to hijack American democracy in the 2016 election and effectively become a Russian puppet to further their geopolitical interests.

“Trump has been impeached forever on two counts of colluding with Russia,” MacDonald went on to say. “Dozens of his campaign officials were indicted — some even jailed — for colluding with Russia during the election and afterward. It’s obvious to all of us that Putin controls that idiot who stole the election through voter fraud and misinformation.”

“Now Putin is taking away our post offices, locking up our mailboxes, and instructing tow truck drivers to steal mail carrier trucks to hide them in secret junkyards. He’s doing this all to prevent a proper election that counts all mail-in votes,” she added.

When someone pointed out to her that this all sounded a little far-fetched, MacDonald told them it was all over the news and took to Twitter to denounce the right-wing gaslighting and the very dangerous conspiracy theories she had read about like QAnon.

At publishing time, MacDonald was denouncing the many Russian bots that had skewed the poll results of her post on Twitter asking who was more dangerous, QAnon or some ANTIFA group that has never materialized anywhere or done anything violent at all.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Brilliant Trump Puts Himself On All Postage Stamps, Forcing Democrats To Push For Abolishing USPS

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sources are reporting that Trump has dealt a killer blow in his ongoing war against his sworn enemy, the U.S. Post Office. In a move of sheer, mind-blowing brilliance, Trump directed the Post Office to put his face on every single stamp, forcing the Democrats to reverse course and abolish the institution once and for all.

The new stamp, dubbed “The Trump-Stamp,” to be used on all pieces of mail features a smiling Donald Trump, with the caption “GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER.”

Don Lemon broke the news in a tearful address to the nation last night. “Our democracy is over,” he said. “It doesn’t exist anymore. I will never send another piece of mail ever again, and neither should you or else you’re a racist.”

Antifa and BLM responded by marching on local post offices and burning them down. Enthusiastic Trump supporters quickly bought up all the stamps. They are now selling for $3,000 apiece online.

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Democratic Convention Viewer Wishing They Would Just Get To The Part About All The Free Stuff

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire from The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Thank you, Mr. President

Dear President Obama,

I would like to take the time to honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart for having a huge hand in creating the greatest age for satire that the world has ever seen. But aside from that, there is so much more to be thankful for.

I believe that I also speak for countless college-educated people when I say that during the dusk of your presidency we should take the time to list some of the amazing things you have done and to reflect upon them. In what could take days to talk about, I narrowed down my three favorite gifts to the people that you are leaving behind.

1.

First of all, racial relations are at an all-time high. Under your leadership and guidance, there has never in the history of the United States been such peace and understanding among people of all pigments across the board. While some of your critics may attempt to point to a huge division created by your “dishonest and manipulative” rhetoric, to all college-educated people it was the birth of a new kind of justice, different from all other kinds of justice in that it was more just and more social.

The far-right liars will say anything to smear the beautiful and sightly mark that you left behind on the very fabric of this “formerly” great country. Have no worries, we will always hold that mark in our college-educated hearts and pass it on to our college-educated children so they, too, can cherish your remarkable legacy.

2.

Secondly, I would like to thank you for how safe you have made our shining inner cities. While there has been a minor influx in gun violence in progressive urban areas, every college-educated person knows that the real causes for that lie outside our safe spaces, in the uneducated America where innocent victims of economic oppression come in contact with the sinister gun-owning NRA members.

Those twisted reactionaries dare blame your flawless gun regulations for the violence in our progressive cities that surpasses the street wars of the Prohibition era in the roaring 20s, absurdly claiming that restricting firearm ownership leads a rise in bloodshed. Every college-educated person knows that disarming law abiding citizens cannot possibly embolden criminals.

They also spread far-right rumors that the more progressive the city, the more it economically suffers, pointing at Detroit, where they say the future was promised under the dawn of progressive leadership in the 1960s but brought nothing but ruins it is today. But do not fret, Mr. President. Our progressive fact checkers have debunked that urban myth multiple times. Detroit is better off with art and culture than with automobile manufacturing. Every college-educated person knows that manufacturing poisons the ecosystem.

3.

Thirdly, and finally I would like to thank you for how safe you have made the entire world. With the help of the UN, NGOs, and various progressive think tanks, your leadership has given Europe and parts of the U.S. a taste of higher sophistication and culture through a flood of Middle Eastern migrants. Or are they refugees? You have to forgive me, sometimes it’s hard to keep up with the correct nomenclature.

A few uneducated throwbacks may still be upset about having to be around people slightly different than them. But every college-educated person knows that Europe is where white people originally came from. Ingrained racism is only natural in the “ground zero” of the white people’s breeding area, where an influx new non-white friends can be seen as cultural espionage. But again, Mr. President, this isn’t anything that can’t be fixed with more college education.

As we learn of nearly daily acts of rape and violence committed by our newly arrived guests, I would like to thank you on behalf of all college-educated people for reminding us that these attacks are not the fruit of a particular ideology, but rather of man-made climate change, which turns people into desperate animals fighting for food and water. Thank you so much for clarifying that.

Thank you for keeping us in check and allowing us to understand that those so-called barbaric acts are the fault of the Western civilization. Every college-educated person knows that the bloodshed across the world can only come as a result of trickled-down Western greed and systemic racism, and ISIL is no more a threat to world security than the American economy that is causing climate change in the first place. I’m sure future generations will appreciate your ability to prioritize these threats and to fight the greater evil first and the lesser one second.

I also have no doubt that historians will be studying you and your legacy for centuries to come, trying to find answers to such questions as, how could one man have been so smart? Is it even humanly possible to have the infallible intelligence and wisdom that you have exhibited over the last eight years? I can almost hear a college professor lecture to a classroom of diverse young minds, telling them the greatest story ever told: yours.

I look forward to the day I have my grandperson on my knee in an eco-friendly home, telling them about the glorious eight years of your presidency and how we just barely missed entering the glorious world that that any civilization could ever hope for – a progressive world under the stern guidance of forward-looking, college-educated people. We were right there, already going for the exit, but the Russians must have influenced our sense of direction by posting fake road signs, we lost our way, and then it was too late to go back.

So, Mr. President, in the twilight of your administration, we must sadly say goodbye, as the nation turns around to watch the dawning of a new unwritten era that is fast approaching. That isn’t to say that we aren’t terrified of the most hated president-elect since Abraham Lincoln. All college-educated people in this country and beyond are truly overcome with emotion. But we also know that the effects of your presidency will be felt for years to come, whether we like it or not.

They say, “red sky at morning, sailors take warning.” But what does an orange sky mean? We hope that you will stick around and continue to educate us about this and other important issues.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Chedoh originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

UC Berkeley: White Students to Purchase ‘Free Speech insurance’

The University of California has adopted a new policy requiring all students who identify with being Caucasian to purchase mandatory “Free Speech Insurance” as part of enrollment fees, $1,000 per-semester, set to begin in the fall semester of 2016.

The idea had been bouncing around for about a year until the UC Board of Trustees was able to put all the logistics in place. The concept of mandatory Free Speech Insurance (FSI) is based on the belief that “free speech” and “safe spaces” on campus are mutually exclusive as they stem from fundamentally different belief systems that are diametrically opposed to one another.

“Words that express unadulterated individual thought are by definition hurtful to those who do not experience such thoughts,” stated professor Lilly Barnes, instructor in Modern Ethics and Safe-Think during an open forum dedicated to explaining the new policy to students. “Only by suppressing individual thought and following standards of pre-approved collective thought prepared for you by caring academic professionals, can we achieve the safety of thinking in unison and make our campus a safe space for everyone. This is what my mandatory course in Safe-Think will help you to achieve.”

“The problem with this country,” continued Barnes, “is that freely expressed individual ideas almost always lead to delusional thoughts and perceptions that can be described as anti-progressive, racist, sexist, bigoted, or Islamophobic. Unfortunately, we can’t yet jail people for unfiltered expression of their Caucasianism as it exists in their unguided and dangerously delusional minds. As a result, many minority students are constantly bombarded with white and heteronormative micro-aggressions, which causes them to suffer extreme mental and emotional traumas. So the next best thing to arresting all white students is to make them purchase mandatory Free Speech Insurance that will be used to compensate for any emotional damage minority students may suffer in accidents caused by unapproved speech or any other expression of non-safe individual thought on our campus.”

“Minority students will be exempt from purchasing FSI because we believe they are incapable of individual thought and don’t have the capacity to reason and act independently,” Barnes said. “But a white mouth that is free to speak, is no less dangerous than an assault machine gun. I see it everywhere I go on this campus. I become alarmed whenever I see a group of white students standing around without a single minority in their midst. I am not deaf, I can clearly hear them talk about things like movies, or video games, or even sports – without acknowledging how their white privilege provided them with those opportunities. It makes me want to vomit.”

Professor Barnes further illustrated her point with a recent example of the damages caused by unregulated freedom of expression on campus. It happened when an African-American student overheard a group of Asian students saying that the boycott of the Oscars was “ridiculous” while they were all having lunch in one of the University’s cafeterias. The fact that this blatant microaggression did not come directly from Caucasian students made things even worse, as the well-trained African-American student was still able to detect white racism compounded by cultural appropriation, which raised the incident classification to “aggravated assault.” This made the African-American student so emotionally distraught that they could not attend class for three weeks and now they require costly biweekly therapy visits.

That is where Free Speech Insurance will come in. It will cover the cost of the therapy and rehabilitation of victims of unregulated, freely expressed Caucasian ideas. Even in cases when the offensive speech does not come from white students directly but is culturally appropriated from them by misguided minorities, the burden of payment will still be distributed among the Caucasians whose fault it is that offensive ideas exist in the first place.

To further the University’s goal of making the campus “a universal safe space,” the institution has also announced that it will be removing courses that focus on the Constitution and the Bill of Rights since those documents are believed to “encourage division and bigotry among the student body” by promoting criminally delusional ideas of individual freedom, thought, and expression. These courses will be replaced with professor Lilly Barnes’s collectivist “Safe-Think” and other classes that promote intellectual unanimity and emotional awareness of hurtful and offensive speech, all of which should lead to lower FSI premiums in the future.

According to the official statement, the school administrators are hopeful they will live to see the day when Free Speech Insurance will no longer be required as all students will be properly trained in collectivism and unanimous thinking, providing a safe learning environment for everyone on the UC Berkeley campus.

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kommissar of viral infectionsEDITORS NOTE: The political satire originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. The author is the Kommissar of Viral Infestions, Hero of Change and Prophet of the Future Truth.

The Rampant Racists of Tinsel Town by Ivan Betinov

37270-Whats-black-and-never-works---Racist-meme

Graphic by Navigator.

It’s official, movie fans: all of the cinema celebrities, heretofore the paragons of Progressive thought, are actually a sinister conspiracy of racists.

For the SECOND year in a row, not a single actress actor performer of color was nominated for ANY of the top slots in the Oscars. This can obviously be due to ONLY one thing: RACISM!

Of the some 2,900 films released in 2015, only eight were nominated. And not one of those eight were primarily about Black topics or starred black actors in the lead. This means that some TWO THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND NINETY-TWO films were denied nomination. And the ONLY cause a film can be denied nomination is RACISM!

There are over 7,000 members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Twenty performers were nominated, total, for best actor or actress, or supporting actor or actress. Not ONE of them is an actor or actress of color. That means that THOUSANDS of actors and actresses DID NOT RECEIVE A NOMINATION for these awards. And the only reason an actor or actress can be denied a nomination is RACISM!

The only possible way to remedy this situation is to mandate that at least one out of every three nominations goes to a person of color, and that at least one award in each category go to one of the nominees of color.

This mandated win will affirm that black actors, actresses, and film makers will know that their peers truly respect their talent on the basis solely of their race, as that is the important thing.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Is there life on Mars? … And other tough, progressive questions

A recent post on the People’s Blog made me think of the following:

Is there life on Mars? If so, there are too many questions we must answer before we contemplate going there. Tough, progressive questions.

  • Is there social justice on Mars?
  • Is there an economy on Mars and if so, does it need regulating?
  • Is there a community on Mars and if so, does it need community organizers?
  • Are there genders on Mars and if so, is there gender equality for all 58 of them?
  • Is there private property on Mars and if so, is there redistributive justice?
  • Is there illegal immigration on Mars and if so, are there sanctuary cities?
  • Are there elections on Mars and if so, is voter ID required?
  • Is there Al Sharpton on Mars?
  • Is there homosexuality on Mars and if so, is there homophobia?
  • Is there parenthood on Mars and if so, does it need to be planned?
  • Are there corporations on Mars and if so, are they considered people?
  • Is there an environment on Mars and if so, does it require environmentalists?
  • Is there climate change on Mars and if so, is the Martian science settled?
  • Is there a nuclear bomb on Mars and if so, do they need negotiators?
  • Are there Muslims on Mars and if so, is there Islamophobia?

Actually, the last question has already been answered: there no Muslims on Mars.

Muslims ‘warned in Fatwa not to live on Mars’

Fatwa reportedly issued warning Muslims not to make ‘hazardous trip’ to live on Mars

Muslims have been warned in a Fatwa not to go and live on Mars because it would pose “a real risk to life”, according to a Dubai news organisation. The General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowment (GAIAE) in the United Arab Emirates said that anyone making such a “hazardous trip” is likely to die for “no righteous reason”.

Indeed, there appears to be plenty of “righteous reasons” for Muslims to die here even without Mars.

Come to think of it, progressives still have plenty of righteous causes to fight on Earth as well. Besides, if none of the above exists on Mars, there would be nothing for us to do there but to sustain ourselves by hard work.

Maybe we should join our Muslim brothers and not go to Mars after all. No matter how tempting it is to spend billions of other people’s money on such a trip.

IN OTHER NEWS…

The Sword of Revolution and the Communist Apocalypse

The Sword of RevolutionI was hired as a graphic designer and I did my job well, recycling the original revolutionary poster by Dmitry Moor, one of the founding fathers of Soviet agitprop. Now that the book is out, here’s my two kopecks.

This book has a lot of valid, factual information. At the same time, I remain skeptical about the theory that the breakup of the USSR was only a show so that the communists could take over the world by other means. Not that there aren’t powerful forces bending the civilized world towards what they call “progress” (and what I call collectivist barbarism), but those are different people and different movements with different goals. I generally don’t believe in conspiracies that require the presence of an undying, eternal, all-knowing, and superhuman brain – or in this case, community organizer.

I follow the developments in Russia very closely and one thing today’s Russians couldn’t care less about is Communism. To be sure, the Communist Party still has a strong presence there, but that’s mostly because Putin is feeding the communists in order to appease the nuts and the old-timers. That is also part of Putin’s strategy to shape and maintain his own opposition…

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Study: ‘Crazed gunman’ stigma increases risk of suicide

'Crazed gunman' stigma may cause suicideA new study published by the country’s #1 rank school of clinical psychology, UCLA’s Dept. of Psychology, suggests a link between the high rate of suicide among alleged rampaging mass murderers and the stigma of being labeled, by mass media outlets, as a “crazed gunman.”

The study shows that close to 100% of those who are labeled as a “crazed gunman” commit suicide within the first 24 hours after their alleged rampage and, very often, within the first 60 seconds. Some, it is suggested, commit “suicide by cop” in inexplicable and “out-of-character” gun battles with law enforcement.

The study suggests that fear of being stigmatized leads many of these alleged felons to end their own lives before…

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Stock market crash foretells third coming of Bush

third coming of BushSix days of stock market losses that have erased trillions of dollars of global wealth are being taken as a sign that the Third Coming of Bush is nigh. Those gifted in the dark art of political prognostication have reportedly been awaiting this omen for many months.

Well-known oracle Karl Rove was the first to recognize the significance of the financial portent, tweeting “As it was in 1987, as it was in 2000, so will it be in 2016. Let the Third Bush come forth and the world tremble at his glory!”

David Brooks, Chief Conservative Augur for the New York Times, elaborated…

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FBI hires Ashley Madison hackers to retrieve Clinton emails

Ashley Madison HillaryTHE HACKERS BEHIND the Ashley Madison breach have been contracted by the FBI to retrieve Madam Hillary’s 35, 000 yoga emails that were scrubbed from her personal server.

On the heels of being stonewalled and lied to by the former Sec. of State, the bureau has determined that a bigger batch of deletions were unretrievable unless true experts, such as the Ashley Madison hackers, were contracted to retrieve the wiped correspondences.

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Recovered images from Hillary emails prove it was only yoga

Hillary yogaWhile the FBI is still at a loss regarding the content of Hillary Clinton’s e-mail cache from her days as secretary of state, one thing they have determined beyond a shadow of a doubt is that the Democratic presidential frontrunner is a diligent distance-education yoga student.

Emailing yoga routines are standard practice in distance education, said Mrs. Clinton’s online yoga instructor Maha Bharata through an interpreter. He claims that over the years he has sent her over two hundred thousand Hindu-language emails with pictures of yoga poses, which constitutes 90% of the data that had been wiped clean from Clinton’s personal server.

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MURDAH: a stunning advancement in the right to choose

External UterusA child has grown up not how you envisioned? An elderly parent becoming a burden? Have you considered a post-birth abortion? Scientists at the Barack Obama Women’s Health Research Center have made an epic advancement in women’s health, and the right to choose.

Scientists have developed a method to allow abortions past the third trimester, as explained by the project’s lead scientist, Dr. Hillary Sanders: “Until now, women were limited to aborting only their own fetus, and only during the first three trimesters before birth. Our laboratory has pioneered…

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The People’s Cube wasn’t always red: the story of Erno Rubik

People's CubeEverybody knows that the People’s Cube is gloriously red, which is politically correct and compliant with the Current Truth. It’s impossible to imagine today what it would look like with all the confusing unequal colors. Imagining such a thing is inadvisable. All you need to know is that it’s equally red.

All squares are equal, and all players are equal. Nobody is too smart, nobody is too slow. Guaranteed equality of results. A symbol of fairness and painless existence. Nobody’s a boob with the People’s Cube!

But it hasn’t always been that way. In progressive humanity’s past there was a hateful moment when a thoughtcriminal named Erno Rubik took the red Cube and colored every square unequally…

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CNN to grill Democrat candidates using Fox News debate style

Fox News debate inquisitionFollowing the ratings success of Fox News in its presentation of the first Republican presidential primary debate, CNN has decided to mirror the GOP debate’s formula and tone when it hosts the first of six Democrat Presidential debates in October.

Jeff Zucker, president of CNN, tipped his hat to Fox: “I have to admit that they did a fantastic job and really held the candidates’ feet to the fire. I saw the numbers like everyone else did, and I want those ratings for CNN.”

In a surprising twist, Fox News debate moderators threw hardballs…

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EDITORS NOTE: The political satire originally appeared on the Peoples Cube.