The House Committee on Intelligence released a shocking report on Thursday largely undermining claims made by the Trump administration about the origins of Christmas. According to Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL), who serves on the Intelligence Committee, the original reason for this season was the granting of political asylum to Jesus by the progressive Egyptian government, and a subsequent extension of refugee status to his family in what later became known as “chain migration.”
The committee, which is still in the process of conducting a full bipartisan review, said in its initial report that the intelligence community’s assessment, or ICA, was a “sound intelligence product” whose conclusions were “reached in a professional and transparent manner, and the tradecraft was strong.”
The partially declassified report states that Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who actively resisted the racist policies and the destruction of democracy by King Herod’s autocratic regime, had learned from an anonymous inside source about the planned Massacre of the Innocents, and sought refuge in the free country of Egypt, an inclusive nation known for welcoming Jews with open arms.
A complete absence of border walls allowed Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to walk in, call the ACLU, and receive legal assistance of a civil rights lawyer to gain political asylum, food stamps, subsidized housing, educational grants, job training, and free healthcare. The Egyptian taxpayers greeted the holy family with a “Refugees Welcome” sign and generous gifts. These events, according to the Intelligence Committee report, initiated the Christmas tradition of distributing gifts, green cards, and welfare benefits to any person who crosses the national border.
It is repugnant to me and astonishing to me that during Christmas, a time in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ – a Jesus Christ who had to flee for his life with Mary and Joseph. Thank God there wasn’t a wall that stopped him from seeking refuge in Egypt. Thank God that wall wasn’t there and thank God there wasn’t an administration like this or he would have, too, perished on the 28th, on the Day of Innocents when Herod ordered the murder of every child under 2 years of age. Shame on everybody that separates children and allows them to stay at the other side of the border fearing death, fearing hunger, fearing sickness. Shame on us for wearing our badge of Christianity during Christmas and allow the secretary to come here and lie.
How do we know that Rep. Luis Gutiérrez reads the People’s Cube? Because he follows our creative method of delivering the Current Truth to the unwashed. For Lenin’s sake, he may be even contributing to this Party Organ under an assumed name.
He may have even participated in the creation of our timeless classics:
Another Consumer of Nature’s Resources Born in Bethlehem
An international scientific consensus has been reached, and it’s not in Mary and Joseph’s favor. Had the parents of Jesus been more proactive in raising their awareness, they may have considered such important factors as Judea’s fragile environment and air pollution that only increases with every newborn child. No matter how amusing a set of small carbon footprints around the house may seem initially, potential parents should always remember that the footprints will only become bigger as the child matures and turns into yet another indulgent consumer of nature’s limited resources.
The Daily Pharisee
Scrutiny Tightens On Three Magoi’s Lobbying Operation
BETHLEHEM, December 28 – House Ethics Committee Chair Stephanie Tubbs Jones (D-Judea) urges congressional ethics probe into gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh by three Magoi – who are the focus of criminal investigations by the Justice Department.
The ethics panel said in a statement that a special subcommittee would try to determine if two Nazoreans violated the law by accepting “gifts, travel benefits, contributions to religious committees and organizations, or any other items of value” from the three Magoi and their lobbying operation.
The Nazoreans who were identified by name as the focus of the committee’s investigations – Joseph and Mary – have said they are innocent of wrongdoing.
Samara Post Intelligencer
Suspected Religious Cultists Exposed in Bethlehem
A homeless couple claiming that an “angel” had declared their infant child “the son of God,” was caught red-handed while apparently trying to engage in some ritual involving animals behind a local inn. Despite his young age, the unplanned and undocumented child whom they referred to as “Jesus” had already acquired notoriety in the religious underworld, operating under several aliases including Immanuel, Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, and The Prince of Peace. Authorities are investigating a possible link to the highly profitable smuggling of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
The police arrived at the scene after a call made by a local PETA activist who complained that the couple and the mob that followed them had inconvenienced the resident animals and “displaced handfuls of hay” in order to make a bed for the infant. “What sort of people are these that would invade a peaceful manger, disturb the animals in their home, deprive them of sleep of nourishment, and do YHWH knows what else with them?”
Prosecutors are considering charging the couple as accessories to an unauthorized light show that terrorized area shepherds who happened to be tending their flocks at night. No charges are currently being considered against the infant, though authorities have made clear that he will require careful observation and possibly therapy as he grows up.
The Nazareth Post (Lifestyle Section)
Mary: A Pregnant Teen Failed By The Government
Despite the homeschooling, the abstinence-only education, and her determination to save herself for that special someone, Mary Davidian, 15, still found herself pregnant. Neither her former resolve to remain chaste, not the fact that she was known by all and sundry as “The Virgin Mary,” prevented her from becoming yet another statistic in the growing problem of unwed teen mothers throughout the Roman Empire, particularly in poorer provinces like Judea.
Mary’s been betrothed for some time to Joseph Nazareth, 18, who operates a struggling lumber fabrication business out of his own home. But Joseph – and Mary, too – both agree he’s not the father.
When asked about the father’s identity, Mary raves incoherently about angels and dreams, and someone whom she can only identify as God, a likely gang-related alias.
“We don’t know who this God is, his age, if perhaps he’s so much older than young Mary that he might be guilty of statutory rape,” said a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood of Nazareth. “Notwithstanding, the fact that Mary conceived even though she’s still a virgin is all the proof anyone needs, that teaching abstinence to our children is totally unrealistic and ineffective. Can’t the right-winged religious extremists see that even when they remain virgins, young people are still going to go out and have sex?”
Rome News and World Report
Senate Ratings At All-Time Low As Occupation of Judea Continues
ROME (Associated Papyrus) The Senate voted today to continue the funding of legions in the Middle East under the threat of a dictatorial veto if they passed a bill that would have denied the funds. The move further alienated the Senate’s base, which vented its anger with posts on The DailyStylus.
“We voted to put them in office with the promise that they’d bring the legions home before Saturnalia. Well, it’s Saturnalia and they’re not home. I’m never voting again!” wrote Alvamus Goldscroll, an unemployed lyre player from Woodaquaduct. “I’m so angry, I’m getting a mallet. Stop the illegal occupation of Judea!”
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is republished with permission of the Minister of Propaganda.