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Christmas in History: First Media Reports of Nativity Story

How did the ancient mass media report the alleged birth of Christ?

The People’s Cube prepared the following compilation of quotes from the Roman and Judean sources, which should help our readers to form an unbiased opinion of what really happened in the days surrounding the so-called Christmas…

© 2007 Directorate of Historical Revisionism, Karl Marx Treatment Center.


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OTHER STORIES:

Judea Today

Another Consumer of Nature’s Resources Born in BethlehemAn international scientific consensus has been reached, and it’s not in Mary and Joseph’s favor. Had the parents of Jesus been more proactive in raising their awareness, they may have considered such important factors as Judea’s fragile environment and air pollution that only increases with every newborn child. No matter how amusing a set of small carbon footprints around the house may seem initially, potential parents should always remember that the footprints will only become bigger as the child matures and turns into yet another indulgent consumer of nature’s limited resources.

The Daily Pharisee 

Scrutiny Tightens On Three Magoi’s Lobbying Operation

BETHLEHEM, December 28 – House Ethics Committee Chair Stephanie Tubbs Jones (D-Judea) urges congressional ethics probe into gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh by three Magoi – who are the focus of criminal investigations by the Justice Department.

The ethics panel said in a statement that a special subcommittee would try to determine if two Nazoreans violated the law by accepting “gifts, travel benefits, contributions to religious committees and organizations, or any other items of value” from the three Magoi and their lobbying operation.

The Nazoreans who were identified by name as the focus of the committee’s investigations – Joseph and Mary – have said they are innocent of wrongdoing.

Samara Post Intelligencer

Suspected Religious Cultists Exposed in Bethlehem

A homeless couple claiming that an “angel” had declared their infant child “the son of God,” was caught red-handed while apparently trying to engage in some ritual involving animals behind a local inn. Despite his young age, the unplanned and undocumented child whom they referred to as “Jesus” had already acquired notoriety in the religious underworld, operating under several aliases including Immanuel, Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, and The Prince of Peace. Authorities are investigating a possible link to the highly profitable smuggling of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

The police arrived at the scene after a call made by a local PETA activist who complained that the couple and the mob that followed them had inconvenienced the resident animals and “displaced handfuls of hay” in order to make a bed for the infant. “What sort of people are these that would invade a peaceful manger, disturb the animals in their home, deprive them of sleep of nourishment, and do YHWH knows what else with them?”

Prosecutors are considering charging the couple as accessories to an unauthorized light show that terrorized area shepherds who happened to be tending their flocks at night. No charges are currently being considered against the infant, though authorities have made clear that he will require careful observation and possibly therapy as he grows up.

The Nazareth Post (Lifestyle Section)

Mary: A Pregnant Teen Failed By The Government

Despite the homeschooling, the abstinence-only education, and her determination to save herself for that special someone, Mary Davidian, 15, still found herself pregnant. Neither her former resolve to remain chaste, not the fact that she was known by all and sundry as “The Virgin Mary,” prevented her from becoming yet another statistic in the growing problem of unwed teen mothers throughout the Roman Empire, particularly in poorer provinces like Judea.

Mary’s been betrothed for some time to Joseph Nazareth, 18, who operates a struggling lumber fabrication business out of his own home. But Joseph – and Mary, too – both agree he’s not the father.

When asked about the father’s identity, Mary raves incoherently about angels and dreams, and someone whom she can only identify as God, a likely gang-related alias.

“We don’t know who this God is, his age, if perhaps he’s so much older than young Mary that he might be guilty of statutory rape,” said a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood of Nazareth. “Notwithstanding, the fact that Mary conceived even though she’s still a virgin is all the proof anyone needs, that teaching abstinence to our children is totally unrealistic and ineffective. Can’t the right-winged religious extremists see that even when they remain virgins, young people are still going to go out and have sex?”

Rome News and World Report

Senate Ratings At All-Time Low As Occupation of Judea Continues

ROME (Associated Papyrus) The Senate voted today to continue the funding of legions in the Middle East under the threat of a dictatorial veto if they passed a bill that would have denied the funds. The move further alienated the Senate’s base, which vented its anger with posts on The DailyStylus.

“We voted to put them in office with the promise that they’d bring the legions home before Saturnalia. Well, it’s Saturnalia and they’re not home. I’m never voting again!” wrote Alvamus Goldscroll, an unemployed lyre player from Woodaquaduct. “I’m so angry, I’m getting a mallet. Stop the illegal occupation of Judea!”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire (a.k.a. politically correct) column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

The Secular Left has Truly Lost it’s Collectivist Mind

It has been said that sometimes things or situations are most bleak just before the end of the storm.  If one looks at the world today it is easy to assume, either the windy gales of history will soon their velocity.  Or we could soon be in for a heap of hurt.  I choose to believe, that even during this dark age of decimated morality and the global economy leaning toward the brink of utter collapse, things will surprisingly recover.  That will happen to the delight of those who desire true Liberty and Justice for all. To others who prefer secular humanism and progressive government control from cradle to grave disappointment shall be their lot in life.

One thing is for sure, the lunatic left always has a new answer for every time the question is asked, how low can you go?  This time, the depravity of the left is highlighted in a recent article written by Matt Barber for CNSNews.com. In his enlightening column, Mr. Barber points out that anti-Christian and anti-man writer Valerie Tarico (who also hates women who either love or like men) that Christianity was going down.  In a December 21st headline Tarico wrote “why is rape so intrinsic to religion?”  she insanely asserts that “God raped Mary.”  Barber also correctly pointed out how Tarico and I will add “the left in overall” will try and fool the public into believing they are against religion in general.  But as per usual, if they communicate long enough, their singular focus of hatred toward the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob will be exposed to the fullest.

The feminist twit even had the raw nerve to suggest that the Biblical account of Christ’s conception “really roots all the way back to evolutionary biology, and men’s need to maximize their gene.”  (Whew what a nut job)  The mindless gibberish of individuals like Valerie Tarico are the result of a decades long mission to fundamentally change America from a Judeo/Christian Ethic oriented constitutionally limited republic into an anything but God loving Patriotic society.

Unfortunately, many have forgotten or never knew that the unalienable rights of the individual are far more important than the desires of the tyrannical imps who populate government.  One of the things that I quickly noticed long ago was the blatant disregard and discrimination against Christianity. In addition there is liberal discrimination against anything that was inspired by or influenced by Christian principles such as the United States Constitution and Bill of Rights.  Leftists like Tarico fully understand that America was founded on Christian underpinnings.  It is most unfortunate that the left views personal liberty, property rights, opportunities for anyone to reach their God given potential, the right of self-protection, etc. as impediments to their goal of overseeing the destruction of this exceptional nation.

They will use anything or any useful idiot like Al Sharpton, to reach their goulish goal.  The progressives have foolishly been allowed to dominate every aspect of society.  Whether it’s government schools, the liberal church, the media, entertainment, influence on the family and business.  From the looks of things, it seems as though the left has it all locked up in their deviant war on America.  They are convinced that it is their right and duty to abolish God, prosperity, the pledge of allegiance, prayers at football games, American military prowess, legitimate authority, private property, a private sector medical industry, the keystone pipeline, and it goes on and on.  Individuals like Valarie Tarico, who hate men because we simply exist are the premier practitioners of   discrimination, prejudice and bigotry, that they pretend to be against.  Worst of all, they even hate God and tell bald faced lies against him.  But despite the blatant disregard for that which is good, by the liberal haters of the idea of a blessed United States of America, I am firmly convinced that the progressives will ultimately lose their stranglehold on our republic.

Those of you familiar with my syndicated radio commentary have for years heard me expressing my sincere belief that America will be renewed as the sweet land of liberty envisioned by the founding fathers.  As “We the People” repent for allowing our republic to fall far from grace.  Despite the fact that the collectivist left is basically on one accord in their effort to destroy our country, This nation will be reborn into greatness as we pursue and receive Providential guidance, just like those who sought the face of God and gained the wisdom and power to establish the greatest nation in the history of the world.  May God bless America and May America bless God.