Lone wolves exasperated with media cliché

It is a progressive fact that any atrocity committed by a white American reveals the violent nature of America’s racist conservative Christian culture, whereas any atrocity committed by an alleged Muslim from a minority community is always a one-off event, completely unrelated to his Islamic faith.

The media has, in the past, labeled such quasi-Muslim offenders as “lone wolves” who can’t possibly represent their religious communities. But while trying to side-step offending one community, the media has inadvertently shunned another, previously little-known minority group of wolves who happen to be alone, and they have had enough.

A spokeswolf from the Council for Lupine-American Relations howled:

“We lone wolves do not like being associated with criminal acts. Can’t the media use phrases like, ‘by themselves,’ ‘solo,’ or ‘separate’? Why do they have to bring ‘lone wolves’ into it? Just because we don’t prefer the company of other wolves, doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings.

Since the 1980s, we’ve been laughed at for getting hungry. Now we get scorned for being alone. There is nothing wrong with being a loner. How would you feel if every extroverted criminal was called a “social butterfly”? Doesn’t feel good, does it, butterflies?

We condemn media bias against lone wolves, and demand that reporters cease and desist with any mentions of us. If the media can banish the word ‘Redskins’ from the lexicon, surely ‘lone wolf’ will also be done away with.”

Unable to remain silent, the lone wolves came out of hiding to seek legal representation. As a result, their legal defense team has dug deep into history of media bias and abuse, uncovering a number of similarly offended communities:

Following is a list of other victims of media bias uncovered by the lone wolves’ defense team:

– The ground, with boots on it, is done getting walked all over by callous journalists.

– Good apples, sick of being called bad.

– Ducks, bored with continuing to be put in a row.

– Pigeons, weary of existing in a hole.

– A man, fed up with living in his cave.

– The storm, jaded with being called “perfect.”

– The game, not interested in sustaining another change.

– Smoke, tired of being affiliated with a gun.

– The envelope, finished with enduring any more pushes.

Society should take a long, hard look at the treatment of lone wolves, gentle giants, and other unfairly smeared minority groups. It’s time for us to give them a voice.

When atrocities are committed by an individual in the name of a progressive minority group, we must seek out other, less offensive media clichés to describe the alleged criminal, without stereotyping another unsuspecting minority.

For all intents and purposes, this tipping point is also a teachable moment: the metaphorical narrative of our media must change towards being not as derivative, lest the point and the moment both file a class-action lawsuit for being pigeonholed as tipping and teachable accordingly, with apologies to pigeons.