Vatican Canonizes Two Dead White Guys, Ignores Obama

While some undoubtedly ignorant people today made much ado about the nothing engendered in the Vatican’s redundant elevation of two dead old white males into so-called “sainthood”, reasonable people are asking a more important question: “Why was Barack Obama ignored?”

“It is obviously blatant racism,” said a non-white Hispanic writer for the famous and intellectually impressive New York Times. “After all,” he added with less outrage than we had expected, “Obama won a NOBEL PRIZE FOR CHRISSAKES! If THAT doesn’t qualify him for sainthood, what the hell does?”

“And by the way,” he continued with more outrage than we had expected, “why the hell are you asking a MALE writer? Why don’t you talk to some WOMYN, you sexist neanderthal?”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) stated for the record, “This proves what I’ve been saying since I thought of it a couple of minutes ago,” Reid said. “The Catholic Church is nothing but another front for the Koch Brothers. ‘Koch’ and ‘Pope’ are both spelled with 4 letters with an ‘o’ as the second letter. Do I have to draw you a picture?”

Surprised by the controversy, apologists for the Catholic Church were quick to proffer the weak excuse that candidates must have miracles attributed to them, somehow implying that this requirement would rule Obama out.

But even these non-believers have to concede that Obama’s mere election to the presidency in mean, racist America was a divine event in itself, a supernatural occurrence only overshadowed by Saint Barack’s greatest wonder of all, the Miracle of Free Healthcare for Everyone (aka the Affordable Care Act.)

According to MSNBC’s resident expert on religion, “The ACA beats that loaves and fishes thing Jesus did by a mile.”

In midtown San Francisco, a grassroots religious activist whom we inadvertently awakened from midday meditation induced by medicinal marihuana, offered this blunt assessment: “What did these John Pope guys that the Catholics are all worked up about do? Fix a couple of broken fingers? Barack Obama raised a whole car company from the dead! Yeah, GM is alive and Osama is dead! In your face, John Pope!”

But while distressing in the short term, the anger and outrage Americans are feeling at today’s slight by the Vatican may ultimately be a blessing in disguise. Analysts think it may finally bring about a much needed reassessment of the role played by some of the traditional so-called religions in our daily lives.

Perhaps it is time that the country dispenses with the practice of archaic, superstitious religious practices funded by right-wing billionaires and institutes a state-administered people’s religious tradition where saints can be democratically elected instead of chosen by a racist, homophobic oligarchy. Not only will this bring about more diversity in the ranks of those declared to be saints but will allow non-religious people, long excluded from taking part in canonical activities, a greater voice in the way in these affairs are governed.

After all, why fool around with a sort-of-god when you can have the real thing?