The People’s Cube is 10 years old
On this day, 1 April 2015, the People’s Cube is celebrating ten glorious years of unstoppable revolutions. Jubilant masses of correctly educated workers, peasants, and unwashed toiling intelligentsia are coming together in towns and villages around the world, carrying People’s Cube posters, peacefully hurling red cubes at the capitalist classes, and spontaneously chanting Party-approved slogans:
Long live the Glorious World of Next Tuesday! Hurrah!
- Cheers for our beloved comrade Red Square, People’s Director!
- We need more visual agitation and propaganda to tell us what to think!
- There is no truth but the Current Truth
- We demand equality of results!
- Ten years equals three Five-Year Plans completed ahead of schedule!
Ten years ago, when our Party Organ ascended over the digital horizon like the red sun of the media revolution, Comrade Red Square delivered his famous ten-hour speech, titled “Gulagosphere for the Masses.” In part, he stated that the American Motherland was lagging a hundred years behind the Soviet Motherland in redistribution of wealth, collectivization, re-education, socialized healthcare, government dependency, and media compliance. Our most urgent task was to jam an entire century of missed progress into only ten years, so that we would have a chance to see the Glorious World of Next Tuesday in our time.
The people and the Party responded to such burning words with massive enthusiasm, closing the gap ahead of schedule and surpassing other nations in our collective march towards the GloriousNext Tuesday. At least that’s where we are now according to the compliant media, and that’s all that matters.
In response to hostile criticism coming from our enemies at home and abroad, we would ask them a question: If our nation and its leaders weren’t following our instructions transmitted through the People’s Cube, what would they do differently?
Upon completion of spontaneous rallies later tonight, the masses are scheduled to begin spontaneous celebrations according to the protocols developed by the People’s Cube Hospitality Committee.
A government-approved Giveaway™ of FreeStuff™ will be happening behind Tractor Barn #6, between the dunk tank filled with beet vodka and the “Pin the Tail Blame on Climate Change Deniers Using the 120 PSI Nail Gun” stall. In order to save on non-renewable resources, the traditional ‘Bobbing for Beets’ activity for the Children™ will be moved to the dunk tank. Bring Your Own Beets.
