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UC Berkeley: White Students to Purchase ‘Free Speech insurance’

The University of California has adopted a new policy requiring all students who identify with being Caucasian to purchase mandatory “Free Speech Insurance” as part of enrollment fees, $1,000 per-semester, set to begin in the fall semester of 2016.

The idea had been bouncing around for about a year until the UC Board of Trustees was able to put all the logistics in place. The concept of mandatory Free Speech Insurance (FSI) is based on the belief that “free speech” and “safe spaces” on campus are mutually exclusive as they stem from fundamentally different belief systems that are diametrically opposed to one another.

“Words that express unadulterated individual thought are by definition hurtful to those who do not experience such thoughts,” stated professor Lilly Barnes, instructor in Modern Ethics and Safe-Think during an open forum dedicated to explaining the new policy to students. “Only by suppressing individual thought and following standards of pre-approved collective thought prepared for you by caring academic professionals, can we achieve the safety of thinking in unison and make our campus a safe space for everyone. This is what my mandatory course in Safe-Think will help you to achieve.”

“The problem with this country,” continued Barnes, “is that freely expressed individual ideas almost always lead to delusional thoughts and perceptions that can be described as anti-progressive, racist, sexist, bigoted, or Islamophobic. Unfortunately, we can’t yet jail people for unfiltered expression of their Caucasianism as it exists in their unguided and dangerously delusional minds. As a result, many minority students are constantly bombarded with white and heteronormative micro-aggressions, which causes them to suffer extreme mental and emotional traumas. So the next best thing to arresting all white students is to make them purchase mandatory Free Speech Insurance that will be used to compensate for any emotional damage minority students may suffer in accidents caused by unapproved speech or any other expression of non-safe individual thought on our campus.”

“Minority students will be exempt from purchasing FSI because we believe they are incapable of individual thought and don’t have the capacity to reason and act independently,” Barnes said. “But a white mouth that is free to speak, is no less dangerous than an assault machine gun. I see it everywhere I go on this campus. I become alarmed whenever I see a group of white students standing around without a single minority in their midst. I am not deaf, I can clearly hear them talk about things like movies, or video games, or even sports – without acknowledging how their white privilege provided them with those opportunities. It makes me want to vomit.”

Professor Barnes further illustrated her point with a recent example of the damages caused by unregulated freedom of expression on campus. It happened when an African-American student overheard a group of Asian students saying that the boycott of the Oscars was “ridiculous” while they were all having lunch in one of the University’s cafeterias. The fact that this blatant microaggression did not come directly from Caucasian students made things even worse, as the well-trained African-American student was still able to detect white racism compounded by cultural appropriation, which raised the incident classification to “aggravated assault.” This made the African-American student so emotionally distraught that they could not attend class for three weeks and now they require costly biweekly therapy visits.

That is where Free Speech Insurance will come in. It will cover the cost of the therapy and rehabilitation of victims of unregulated, freely expressed Caucasian ideas. Even in cases when the offensive speech does not come from white students directly but is culturally appropriated from them by misguided minorities, the burden of payment will still be distributed among the Caucasians whose fault it is that offensive ideas exist in the first place.

To further the University’s goal of making the campus “a universal safe space,” the institution has also announced that it will be removing courses that focus on the Constitution and the Bill of Rights since those documents are believed to “encourage division and bigotry among the student body” by promoting criminally delusional ideas of individual freedom, thought, and expression. These courses will be replaced with professor Lilly Barnes’s collectivist “Safe-Think” and other classes that promote intellectual unanimity and emotional awareness of hurtful and offensive speech, all of which should lead to lower FSI premiums in the future.

According to the official statement, the school administrators are hopeful they will live to see the day when Free Speech Insurance will no longer be required as all students will be properly trained in collectivism and unanimous thinking, providing a safe learning environment for everyone on the UC Berkeley campus.

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kommissar of viral infectionsEDITORS NOTE: The political satire originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. The author is the Kommissar of Viral Infestions, Hero of Change and Prophet of the Future Truth.