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Bill Clinton announces he will follow the Islamic State’s Rules for Rape — Trump responds

Bill Clinton has announced that he will follow the Islamic State’s Rules for Rape.

At a Hillary for President campaign stop, former President Clinton said, “I have embrace the January 2015 Islamic State fatwa that outlines the Rules for Rape.”

Clinton noted that the Rules for Rape are “[M]uch like our friend Bill Ayer’s Rules for Radicals but with a twist, no pun intended. I find the Rules for Rape well thought out. They appear to provide adequate protections for all women. By following these rules I will put to rest Donald Trump’s allegation that I am conducting a ‘war against women’.”

bill clinton cigar

Bill Clinton smoking a Cuban Mónica cigar.

Former President Clinton was asked if he had converted to Islam. He responded with a wink and that classic Clinton grin.

Monica Lewinsky in a short statement said, “Bill and I don’t need no stinking rules.”

The White House has announced that President Obama is considering an Executive Order implementing the Rules for Rape. White House press secretary Josh Earnest said, “The President wants to insure diversity while protecting a women’s right to choose to be raped. These rules show that Islam is truly the religion of peace. Those who slander Islam are waging a war against women. The new Rules for Rape Executive Order is expected to be issued in January along with new gun control measures titled the Rules for Rape of Gun Owners.”

The Clarion Project reports:

Islamic State theologians have issued detailed rulings on who can rape sex slaves and when in a detailed fatwa.

Fatwa No. 64, dated Jan. 29, 2015, issued by Islamic State’s Committee of Research and Fatwas is structured as warnings to “some of the brothers” who “have committed violations in the matter of the treatment of the female slaves” which ISIS feels “are not permitted by Sharia law.”

To avoid future misunderstandings the fatwa department codifies the rules of sexual slavery thus:

1. A slave owner cannot have intercourse (rape) his female-slave if she is pregnant or menstruating.
2. He may not rape both a mother and daughter if he owns both women.
3. He may not rape two sisters if he owns both – he must choose only one. If he sells one however, the other becomes permitted.
4. A son may not rape the slave of his father, nor the father the slave of his son. Neither may a husband rape his wife’s slave. Selling or giving away the girl changes this.
5. A slave owner is not allowed to abort a fetus of his slave impregnated by  him.

Mr. Clinton said that he is “adamantly against owning sex slaves.”

Clinton noted, “Why do I need to own sex slaves. I can get all the sex I need without the burden of ownership.”

hillary obama

Hillary Clinton with President Obama.

The Hillary for President campaign issued the following statement:

We are pleased that Mr. Clinton, the first First Man, will be following these rules when he returns to the White House.

The campaign staff and interns have been briefed on these Rules for Rape so that there is no misunderstanding.

The rules will be incorporated into the contracts of all female employees of the White House once Mrs. Clinton is sworn into office.

The Donald Trump campaign in a press release noted:

Bill Clinton has never been one to follow the rules. Just look at his term in office. Ask any of the women he did not have sex with to understand that he cannot be trusted to follow the Rules for Rape.

It is interesting to note that the Islamic State began its rise to power in Syria and Iraq during the time Hillary was Secretary of State. Is there a connection? Did Hillary help the Islamic State write the Rules for Rape?

It is time for Congress to investigate if the the U.S. State Department is behind these rules!

Bill Cosby has not responded to media inquiries on if he will also follow the Islamic State’s Rules for Rape. Crosby has sequestered himself from all media appearances.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire first appeared on Al Jazeera America and in the Islamic State’s Inspire magazine.