Yes, we can! Students to hurl canned food at intruders

At W.F. Burns Middle School in Valley, Alabama, an administrator wrote a letter requesting that parents send canned food to school. The canned food, she reasons, is not to eat or donate to a homeless shelter, but to stockpile as projectile weaponry against intruders. The canned food will also double as food rations, in case the school wants to keep your children overnight.

As if you needed another reason to send your children to public schools, now you can be even more assured of your decision. No longer will you have to rely on a rogue Republican school official, with a concealed carry permit, to defend your little ones. Now, your children will have tin cans of food at their disposal, as personal protective equipment.

A reporter candidly questioned the wisdom of allowing children access to cans, listing the ways it could go wrong:

• Children could use the cans on each other, in rapid succession, as assault-can play weapons;
• An intruder might get extra angry at can throwers, who would be like canaries in a coalmine;
• The intruder might hurl the cans back at the children, cancelling this brilliant progressive idea.

The administrator erupted volcanically, “Yeah, cans kill people, and spoons make people fat! The original use of canned food is to nourish, not to kill people (just like spoons.) Therefore, cans are an acceptable progressive weapon. Other weapons can’t hold a candle to canned goods. Amer-I-Can. Yes, we can!”

After this incantation, the school district decided to canonize the administrator as a forward thinker, well ahead of her time.

This idea has taken off like a cannonball in the progressive community. In fact, the Democrats are jealous that they don’t have the word “can” in their name like a certain political foe. The Republican party of racist chicanery seem to catch all the breaks, don’t they? It’s just not fair.

We know that the real reason to promote can weapons is to make children think they don’t need to rely on adults with guns to protect them, which is a great idea. Guns are a cancer on our society. Removing them should be like taking candy from a baby.

However, it seems inhumane to hurl hard, metal cans at a human being, who could sustain cuts and bruises during his attack of the school. We have to think of the criminal’s feelings and not cannibalize his human rights.

The debate on can weapons is ongoing, especially among Wiccans, toucans and pelicans. We will canvas the area and report back to you with opinions from around the cylinder.

Ivan the Stakhanovets