Following President Trump’s Inauguration, half a million American women put on their pink “pussyhats” and marched on Washington, D.C., leaving an estimated 2.5 million starving, meowing cats in their homes completely unattended and deprived of their scheduled mandatory hugs and prolonged belly rubs.
Organized by Planned Parenthood, Council for American-Islamic Relations, the Communist Party, and other progressive movements, American women came to Donald Trump’s doorstep to express their anger, fury, indignation, and outrage over the fact that they can’t name a single right that men have and women don’t.
Another reason to be enraged was, of course, that while they were at the march, toilet seats were being left up in homes all across the country with total impunity.
Everyone’s sentiment was best expressed by the veteran pop icon Madonna, who declared a resounding “F— you!” from the podium to everyone who didn’t attend this rally of unity and love.
Suspecting that someone might not have heard her, this seasoned embodiment of women’s virtues screamed “F— you!” into the microphone once again, apparently hoping that it would be heard as far as the White House, which she said she always wanted to blow up, admitting to having these recurrent and persistent urges for quite some time.
Madonna ended her inspirational speech with a call for love. Quoting poetic words written on the eve of WWII, “We must love one another or die,” she pointed out that love worked very well in that particular scenario, averting what could have been the bloodiest world war in history.
In conclusion, she urged the audience to chant “We choose love.” The chant spread like a battle cry among the women of different ages, colors, body types, sense of fashion, weight to height ratio, ability to shop at Armani Exchange, and sexual self-identification, who gathered in one place today to demand equality. And as they chanted “we choose love,” they pledged that from now on they will get their own way by loving everyone’s head off. And if loving everyone’s guts will not get them what they want, they will come down on them like a ton of love.
The prejudiced woman-haters among you will probably say that the anti-Trump Woman’s March was meaningless because half of the American women had actually voted for Trump. In a hypothetical scenario where all American males voted for Trump’s agenda and all American females voted against it, such a protest might have made sense, you will say.
You may even think that one must have not a smidgen of logic under one’s pink pussyhat in order to whip up the righteous rage required to attend such a protest, whether in America or across the ocean. Especially across the ocean.
You will also say that these women must have forgotten that Trump was the only Republican candidate who refused to condemn Planned Parenthood, for which he had taken a lot of flak from conservatives. And you would be correct! That is exactly what the Planned Parenthood leader, Cecile Richards, did: she wiped her memory clean (like, with a cloth) and spearheaded the assault against Trump in the streets of the nation’s capital, and later also in front of CNN cameras vis-à-vis Anderson Cooper.
The Women’s March against Trump happened simultaneously on all continents except Antarctica – but don’t be surprised if tomorrow CNN will also report a well-attended march of the female penguins demanding greater equality among the penguins.
The anti-penguin bigots among you will say that since all penguins look alike, such a march would be unjustified and it wouldn’t achieve any goals, if any – and in that it would be similar to the Women’s March in Washington and other U.S. cities. And this is where you will be wrong. There is actually a very good reason why these marches are being financed and professionally coordinated around the world.
Arguing the issue is beside the point. The issue is never the issue; the issue is always the revolution.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire fake news column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.