French Prime Minister Emmanuel Macron has proposed a new initiative, the “Fair Redistribution of Terror in Europe Program.”
“It is unfair that France and other enlightened and generous nations, who open their borders and welcome Muslim refugees, must suffer the most from Islamic terrorism,” Macron said at a campaign rally on Monday. “Being a fair-minded person, I am both saddened and outraged that less enlightened nations, especially Poland, who close their borders to Muslim migrants, get to enjoy terror-free existence. It just doesn’t make sense.”
Macron promised to use all his power and influence as Prime Minister to ensure that Islamic terrorism in Europe is distributed more equitably. “This means Poland will be forced to absorb more of the terror attacks on European soil because that is what enlightened nations do,” he said.
Asked how his powers as PM would help to turn his ideas into reality, the suave, devastatingly handsome Macron reminded everyone that France is not America whose government must abide by outdated constitutional limitations. “Americans may brag about their freedom, but it is, in fact, our government that has a lot more freedom to do what’s necessary in any given political situation,” said Macron.
“In this sense, France is part of a broader community of progressive nations, the European Union, where we believe that every member must shoulder certain burdens in proportion to their geographic sizes and populations,” he said. “Being that Poland is a nation of considerable size, I will work with the EU to ensure that the Poles endure terrorist attacks and cultural subversion in exact proportion to their territory – not more and not less – which is only fair. And that begins by opening their borders and allowing in a proportionate quota of refugees from known cauldrons of Islamic terrorism. I can put their minds at ease with my personal guarantee that these quotas will be carefully calculated by highly qualified professionals in Brussels.”
More on this breaking story as it develops.
Special reporting by Jon Faux-Ote