Senators Schumer and McCain call for the banning of knives, clubs, feet and fists after shocking FBI report on ‘aggravated assaults’

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and Senator John McCain (R-AZ) after reviewing the most recent FBI data showing that knives, clubs, fists and feet account for 75.8% of the weapons used during “aggravated assaults” have decided to introduce legislation to fix this national crisis.

The proposed legislation will require a mandatory background check for anyone possessing one or more of these mass assault (MA) weapons, not to be confused with the abbreviation for the state of Massachusetts. The Schumer/McCain Aggravated Assault Prevention Act (SMAAPA) has bipartisan support in the U.S. Senate.

The FBI report has spawned the #FeetMeToo #FistMeToo #KnifeMeToo and #ClubMeToo movements.

A spokesperson for Senators Schumer and McCain released the following statement:

The Senators wants to make America safe again. After reviewing the latest FBI data Senators Schumer, McCain and the Democratic caucus have decided that swift action must be taken to keep knives, clubs, feet and fists out of the hands of law abiding citizens, no pun intended.

To achieve the goal of “zero aggravated assaults” in the year 2525, not to be confused with the song of the same name, all American citizens, legal and illegal, must register all knives, clubs, fists and feet in their household with the local police. The legislation provides for a national database listing knives, clubs, feet and fists be fully funded, using money intended for the border wall. Anyone seen using a knife, club, their feet or fists in an aggressive manner, like during an NFL football game, will be reported by law enforcement and added to the federal database.

A background check will be mandated before anyone is allowed to own or posses a knife, a club, two hands and two feet. When a child is born, effective on the date of the passage of this important legislation, hands and feet will have a serial number tattooed on the child’s hands and feet and those numbers placed into the federal database.

Members of the National Rifle Association, Trump supporters and all registered Republicans, with the exception of John McCain, will be the first required to turn in their mass assault (MA) weapons, designated MA-15s, into local law enforcement.

Home Depot and Lowe’s Home Improvement/Hardware Stores have stated that when the legislation is passed all club like items will be removed from their stores nationwide. Items include, but are not limited to, 2’x4′ lumber, hammers, sledge hammers and ax handles.

Additionally, podiatrists and orthopedic hand specialists will be required to register the extremities of every person in the United States and place them in the national database. Anyone caught making a fist, like in a boxing match, will be immediately arrested for microaggression.

California and New York have already banned the use of knives in restaurants by staff and customers as part of their zero tolerance in accordance with their states’ anti-aggravated assault program.

Under the Schumer/McCain Aggravated Assault Prevention Act, the National Tattoo Association will be awarded a multi-billion dollar contract to tattoo serial numbers on the hands and feet of an estimated 63 million citizens who elected Donald Trump president.

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) is lobbying against having fists included in the legislation. “The raised black fist has become a symbol of black protest in America” noted NAACP Board Chairman Leon W. Russell. A spokesperson for the NAACP at a press conference stated:

Blacks have been raising their fists as a symbol of resistant against white oppression. Hands, feet and fists make up only 26.3% of aggravated assaults. The outlawing of fists is racist. This action by two white Senators is unacceptable. Blacks have a civil right to use their fists.

We ask that lilly white Senators Schumer and McCain recognize that black and fists are synonymous. Only white fists should be outlawed!

President Trump after seeing a draft of the legislation tweeted:

From my cold dead hands and feet. No pun intended.

Zager and Evans sing their 1969 hit “In The Year 2525”:

EDITORS NOTE: This column is political satire.

---