Mental Health Czar Suggests Conservatism is a Mental Illness

WASHINGTON D.C. – Dr. Reichlinger, the Obama-appointed czar of mental health, has released a paper suggesting that conservatism may be a form of mental illness, describing the observable symptoms of various mental disorders that blend together to create a conservative.

One such symptom, which resembles Tourette syndrome (TS), causes conservatives to blurt out racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic, and otherwise offensive ideas with little or no concern to the feelings of those who may potentially read their statements on the Internet or watch them later on YouTube.

The above symptom, which Dr. Reichlinger identifies as “straight talk” (ST), aggravates the severity of the conservative mental health crisis by obstructing any attempt to correct them or to stop them from uttering socially obscene ideas, as it makes them more verbally combative. Once confronted, all subjects in the control group tended to revert to a false idea that any speech, even if it causes others to experience emotional discomfort, is their inalienable right, which they believe is enough to justify their socially offensive utterances.

The second symptom, which Dr. Reichlinger labels as “Constitutionalism,” is akin to extreme paranoia, resulting in a wrongful distrust of the federal government. The inflicted often express their delusions among their own kind, encouraging each other and reinforcing their own beliefs in hallucinations about “the invisible hand” and self-created fantasies about a “limited” government. It is for this reason that conservative social media pages and postings need to be censored if there is ever going to be hope that we as a society can control and possibly eliminate this unfortunate mental disorder. As long as the patients are allowed to spread their debilitating ideas unobstructed, their condition will only worsen and can potentially infect younger, otherwise healthy minds, drawing them into this delusional and dysfunctional worldview.

In addition, as Dr. Reichlinger points out, victims of conservatism often suffer from denial, which ties into their distrust of the government. “Such patients typically proclaim Obama’s policies to be a failure, flatly denying all the magnificent accomplishments of this administration. Many of them believe that President Obama’s progressive ideas represent ‘magical thinking’ due to his ‘childish’ faith in ‘nonexistent’ powers of the central government, but they are incapable of seeing their own beliefs as childish and simplistic, which is highly ironic,” writes Dr. Reichlinger.

These are the biggest but hardly the only symptoms of the mental illness described by the Obama official. Dr. Reichlinger wraps up his paper with a conclusion that those affected by conservatism may pose a serious danger to themselves, as well as to their families and entire communities. As a preventive measure, the author suggests that individuals with this condition should not have access to firearms. He further recommends that known conservatives be added to a ‘no buy list’ in the national database, which should become a key feature in future background checks before purchasing a gun.

In another recommendation, Dr. Reichlinger insists that those who suffer the most extreme symptoms should be institutionalized under federal law and remain in official custody until government scientists determine a proper mixture of medications and tranquilizers that would adjust the patients’ thought patterns and prevent the spreading of their disorder to others. This may involve a lifetime post-treatment therapy , including reasoning exercises and a constant repetition of healthy progressive sayings, quotations, and election slogans.

Many in the progressive ranks, including Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) and Dianne Feinstein (D-Ca), to name a few, have expressed their support of Dr. Reichlinger’s recommendations, making known that they will be completely on board should the President legislate such actions by executive order.

President Obama, while generally approving of Dr. Reichlinger’s ideas, has expressed a concern that the existing government infrastructure may not be sufficient at this time, with not enough space, nor the workforce required to detain and care for hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of prospective patients. He, however, has promised to put the nation’s top minds to work on constructing the new facilities, as well as recruiting and training the necessary personnel.

“This project has the potential to end the problem of unemployment in the United States, especially among the newly arrived immigrants with no education or professional skills,” said the President.

EDITORS NOTE: This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube, a political satire website.

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