Better Barbies for the People’s Female-gendered Children

Glorious news from the battle on the prepubescent front! The People’s female-gendered (or self-identified as such) Children™ no longer have to suffer from unattainable beauty standards induced by patriarchy and cisgender privilege.After years of our coordinated attacks on Mattel, the company has now complied with the Will of the People™ to celebrate Compulsory Diversity™ by modifying the existing Barbie line to include minorities, body styles, and hair differences.

Reeducated with our mandatory scientific methods, Mattel researchers have improved the line to reflect a more “normal” appearance, including but not limited to “muffin-tops,” under-arm “bat-wings,” scars from arthroscopic knee surgery, toenail fungus, acne scars, tattooed “tramp-stamps” and stretch marks. According to experts, this will realign your child’s expectations with the reality of the average progressive female-gendered high-school student.

While progress has been made, the new female-gendered dolls must still attain to find and mate with males that look like Ken, as the Eduardo doll and the Q’ue Shawn series are still in development. According to Mattel representatives, such body features beer-bellies, receding hairlines, prison tattoos, and three-day beard growth are exceedingly difficult to get past the focus groups.

The good news is, dolls with a Shiela Jackson-Lee triple-crown weave, and those that look like they spent too much time at the buffet line, will soon be available for redistribution at State Store #86.

Comrades,

Don’t forget, for the “older male children” we have:

EDITORS NOTE: This column by Ivan the Stakhanovets originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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