RNC, DNC Elite: Vote Establishment Because We’re Important, Special

The Republican and Democratic National Committees both issued statements today to reassure primary voters and caucus goers that their votes, donations, and efforts are just super.

While the RNC release focused on rumors of a brokered convention, and the DNC addressed the influence of superdelegates, both committees expressed that rank-and-file voters are really, really terrific.

For the DNC, superdelegate and former President Bill Clinton wrote, “I know, all too well, that most of the buxom young squirrels in our party have been supporting [Senator] Bernie [Sanders]. Just because party officials like myself are unanimously backing Hillary, and our votes are worth about ten states of your votes, that doesn’t mean that we don’t appreciate Bernie’s young supporters. Our party really needs those comely millennial lasses, 175 to 225 pounds, rallying and jumping up and down for the first woman president.”

Writing for the RNC, chairman Reince Priebus stated, “our rules provide that a nominee needs to get a majority of support in the primaries and caucuses. With 17 candidates this year, that probably won’t happen, but we’re confident that our wonderful supporters will be pleased with the non-Trump, non-Cruz nominee that the party selects for them. Our guy is really going to need all of the enthusiasm that has been on display throughout the nominating process, so please, keep it up. You all are just fantastic in my book, and you’re the reason that we’ll take back the White House.”

For unknown reasons, candidates Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders have achieved unusual success by criticizing the major parties this election cycle.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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