‘Guardians 3’ To Feature Most Sinister Villain Yet: Single-Use Plastic Bottles

BURBANK, CA—Marvel has confirmed that the villain in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 will be the deadliest, toughest foe Star-Lord and the gang have had to face yet: single-use plastic water bottles.

The Guardians of the Galaxy will travel from planet to planet while destroying plastic made with harmful fossil fuels and destined for landfills.

“The Guardians are facing the galaxy’s deadliest threat yet: disposable plastic,” said producer Kevin Feige. “Much scarier than Ronan, Thanos, or even Kurt Russell.” Feige says the band of unlikely friends will band together to overcome the pollution and will discover that the real recycling is the friends they made along the way.

The decision was made in the wake of Pratt’s latest Hollywood sin, drinking out of a single-use plastic bottle. He apologized for the iniquity, but Disney didn’t feel he was sincere enough. So, producers decided that Pratt could atone for his failure by starring in the green, pro-environmental action flick in 2022.

At the conclusion of the film, Star-Lord will spend 15 minutes lecturing the audience on the need to drink out of reusable bottles and bring multi-use bags to the grocery store every time. “Saving the galaxy is up to all of us,” he says in a post-credits scene, according to one source. “Remember — the power is yours!”

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 4 will focus on plastic straws.

RELATED SATIRE: World’s High School Dropouts Reveal They’ve Actually Been Protesting Climate Change This Whole Time

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