Entries by The Babylon Bee

10 Times Socialism Actually Worked

Bernie Sanders famously said that “real” socialism has never been tried. Frankly, we’re shocked he would ever suggest such a thing because there are numerous examples of real socialist utopias that we have to pull from. Here are just a few: 1) Star Trek’s Federation of Planets: There’s no money, but people still work for some […]

Tampon Supply Shortage Solved By Emptying Out Tampons In The Men’s Bathrooms

U.S.—Americans are facing yet another basic necessity shortage under the Biden Administration. This time a tampon shortage has struck the nation and caused many women to wonder what they will do when they run out of their essential feminine product. “Hey, I have an idea to address the shortage,” said one state official. “Why don’t we just empty […]

Scholars Now Think ‘6.66’ In Revelation Refers To Price Of Gas In The End Times

GENEVA—This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days. “Deeper study has revealed that we were misreading this passage—it’s not 666 or 616, it’s $6.66 for your basic Unleaded Petroleum Gasoline!” French Bible scholar Pierre LeGault […]

Science Tests Positive For COVID

WORLD—The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID. “How could this happen? What if SCIENCE dies? We’ll be lost! LOST WITHOUT SCIENCE!” cried Brian Stelter on CNN. “What does this mean? Is Fauci—blessings upon him—merely a […]

Study Shows Kids Who Are Homeschooled Could Miss Out On Opportunity To Be A Gay Communist

U.S.—Education experts are warning about the detrimental effects of homeschooling, as it may cause children to miss out on their opportunity to be gay communists. “The two essential roles of public education are to turn kids into communists, and then make them gay,” said AFL-CIO President Randi Weingarten. “If education fails to accomplish both of those […]

School District Announces Summer Enrichment Program For Kids Who Need Extra Grooming

ASHBURN, VA—The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break. “We try our best to groom all our students to be radical queer activists from preschool, but we understand that some kids fall behind in their grooming process,” said Superintendent Scott Ziegler. […]

CNN Rebrands To JAN6NN

ATLANTA, GA—Citing an objective poll of everyday Americans who work as CNN executives or Democrat tacticians, CNN has announced a strategic rebranding to JAN6NN, citing the vital significance of what occurred on that fateful day in 2021. Following the rebrand to JAN6NN, all news coverage will focus solely on Jan 6, 2021, meaning no real […]

‘Guns Should Not Be In The Hands Of The Mentally Unstable,’ Says Senile Man With Nukes

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable. “Listen, folks, this shouldn’t be difficult,” said the yammering old geriatric to a duck in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “The mentally unstable shouldn’t […]