Entries by The Babylon Bee

Biden Recounts Time He Was Arrested At A Civil Rights Protest For Wearing A White Hood

ATLANTA, GA—In a stirring speech in Atlanta this week, Biden recounted the time he was heroically arrested at a civil rights protest simply for wearing a white hood. “There I was, outside a school protesting against school integration with my best pal KKK member Robert Byrd, and the cops were escorting black kids into the school,” said […]

Nation Observes 0 Seconds Of Silence To Read The Names Of Those Killed By Trump Supporters On January 6th

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Following President Biden’s speech yesterday, the nation observed a moment of silence lasting exactly 0 seconds long as they read the names of those who suffered death at the hands of supporters of former President Donald J. Trump. Vice President Kamala Harris thanked Biden for his bold speech and took to the podium to […]

AOC Lays Wreath At Her Grave On January 6th

BRONX, NY—United States Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez visited Woodlawn Cemetery this morning to grieve in quiet dignity at her own grave on the 1-year anniversary of her death on January 6. She was seen openly weeping and tearing her clothes by the photo crew she brought with her. AOC, who was killed in the Capitol’s House Chamber by murderous Trump […]

Businesses Now Requiring Positive COVID Test As Proof Of Vaccination

U.S.–American businesses are now requiring employees to test positive for COVID before beginning their workday, since catching COVID is now the best way to prove you’ve been vaccinated. The new self-imposed mandates come hot on the heels of President Biden threatening to maybe require it among federal employees at some arbitrary point in the future possibly. Dr. Anthony Fauci has […]

Trump Sneaks Back On Twitter By Disguising Self As PR Rep For Chinese Communist Party

U.S.—Donald Trump was permanently banned from Twitter today, being a crazy fringe extremist who also happens to be the president of the United States. But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the smartest man in the room, has managed to get back on the social network by disguising himself as one Chongald Xrump, PR specialist […]

Unvaccinated Man Feeling Left Out As All His Vaccinated Friends Have COVID

CLEVELAND, OH—Local unvaccinated man Chuck Dornley is feeling very left out this holiday season, as all his vaccinated friends have now contracted COVID. “Maybe I should have just gotten vaccinated,” said Dornley. Then I’d have COVID like everyone else and I and my vaccinated friends would have something to talk about. Now I’m all by […]

Gavin Newsom Named U-Haul Salesperson Of The Year

SACRAMENTO, CA—U-Haul has named Governor Gavin Newsom its Salesperson of the Year for the third year in a row after a record-setting sales quarter. “We are astounded by the growth we’ve seen in California,” said U-Haul’s Western Regional Director Fennick Buggstein. “Thanks to Gavin Newsom, literally every middle-class family has moved out of the state! […]

In Retrospect, Woman Attending Communist-Themed Party Should Have Realized There Wouldn’t Be Any Food

SEATTLE—Edmina Romanov fasted all day so she wouldn’t have to worry about calories at her friend’s Communist-themed party, but it was all for naught because no food was offered at the authentic commie get-together. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve got egg on my face,” said Romanov. “I mean not really. I wish I did. I’m so hungry.” “But […]

Study: Most Kids Become Transgender Within 1 Hour Of Unsupervised Netflix Time

U.S.—A study has discovered a correlation between unsupervised Netflix viewing and transgender identification among children. Experts were quick to point out that this was “just fine” and any concerned parents were transphobic. “Several test subjects ranging in age from 3 to 12 were given unsupervised access to a Netflix profile,” explained child psychology expert, Dr. […]

7 Alarming Omicron Symptoms

We thought we were out of the woods, and that maybe we could enjoy the holidays, but we were wrong. Omicron is upon us, and it is the deadliest plague humanity has ever faced. You probably won’t survive. And if you find yourself having any of these Omicron symptoms, you will definitely die. Sorry! 1) […]