Entries by The Babylon Bee

Democrats Propose New Debate Format Where Biden Is Tied Up Backstage With His Mouth Duct-Taped Shut

U.S.—Democrats have proposed a new debate format they find acceptable: one where Joe Biden is tied up backstage with his mouth duct-taped shut. “This is the only fair way to do it,” said a DNC spokesperson. “To allow our candidate to speak would simply be an unfair advantage to the candidate who has some semblance […]

Dr. Fauci Recommends Encasing Your Entire Body In Bubble Wrap To Protect Against Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Fauci suggested that Americans cover their entire bodies in bubble wrap to protect against coronavirus. “Studies have shown that this is very effective at stopping the virus, germs, and the oxygen that carries these things,” Fauci said. “You will no longer have to worry about death by coronavirus, […]

‘The Violent Riots Are A Myth,’ Says Rep. Nadler As Antifa Sets Fire To Congressional Hearing Room

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Jerry Nadler continued to insist that the violent riots across the country are “a myth” in a hearing today, even as Antifa rioters stormed the Capitol Building and set fire to the very room where Nadler was testifying. Nadler continued to insist that the violence of the rioters was totally fabricated as the […]

‘Trump Might Not Accept The Results Of The 2020 Election,’ Says Movement That Still Hasn’t Accepted Results Of 2016 Election

U.S.—Leftists are warning that President Donald Trump might not accept the results of the 2020 election. These same leftists have spent the last four years declaring that Trump is not their president, that Hillary Clinton actually won because she won the popular vote, and that Trump only won because of Russian interference. “It would absolutely […]

Thousands Of CEOs Announce They Support Trump In Hopes Of Triggering A Boycott

U.S.—After Goya sales skyrocketed in response to a boycott in response to the CEO announcing his support of Trump, which was probably in response to something else dumb that happened in this dumb world, thousands of CEOs announced their support for Trump in hopes of triggering a similar boycott. Thousands of CEOs tripped over themselves […]

Pelosi: ‘We Have To Knock The Statues Down To Find Out If They’re Racist’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At her weekly press briefing today, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi commented on the removal of statues by protesters, saying, “We have to knock the statues down to find out if they’re racist.” Many have expressed concerns that the statue-toppling is going too far, but Pelosi urged everyone to remain calm and that […]

911 Will Now Require White Callers To Press 1 To Check Their Privilege

U.S.—After weeks of hearing calls for police reform, local and state police departments across the country are finally making strides toward fairness and justice in policing. One major reform sweeping the nation involves changing the way dispatchers allocate police resources. Thanks to new technology, 911 operators can now require callers to press “1” to check […]

Elizabeth Warren Declares Herself Warlord Of Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone

EASTERN OKLAHOMA—The Supreme Court decided this week that half of Oklahoma is Native American land. Failed presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren was seen soon after in the newly formed Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone with an authentic tomahawk and bow purchased in a gift shop, declaring herself to be the warlord of the area. “We must overthrow […]

Governors Reinstate Lockdowns To Combat Recovering Economy

U.S.—Governors across the country have reinstated lockdowns mere weeks after slowly starting to lift them, citing a “concerning spike” in jobs and the economy. Worried that the increase in jobs, prosperity, and happiness would hurt them in November, they reacted to the economic upturn quickly, shutting down businesses and locking people back in their homes. […]

Atheists Launch No Lives Matter Movement

WORLD—A group of atheists, along with some agnostics, announced on Tuesday a new sociopolitical movement consistent with their worldview called No Lives Matter. According to sources, organizers for NLM have planned numerous rallies to protest other rallies claiming that lives matter. The organization’s mission statement defines the group as “people motivated by the belief that […]

‘I Definitely Wouldn’t Have Supported The Holocaust If I Lived In Nazi Germany,’ Says Woman Who Supports Abortion Today

PORTLAND, OR—Local woman Peyton Hill says she definitely would not have supported the Holocaust if she lived in Nazi Germany during the 1930s and 1940s, thinking herself enlightened by the glorious morality of the current year and not susceptible to being deceived as brutish, barbaric humans were in ages past. She said this even though […]

Redskins Change Name To ‘Lizard People’ To Better Represent Population Of Washington, D.C.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—There has been much talk about renaming the Washington Redskins, since their offensive name has no place in our modern, enlightened society that has done away with all other immorality and sin. The District of Columbia informed the team that they cannot return to playing within the district until they have a name that is […]

Sad: Democrat Leaders Struggling To Enforce Lockdowns After Getting Rid Of All The Police

U.S.—Oh no! Democrat leaders sure are in a pickle. They are really trying to be tyrants and enact a police state with their COVID-19 orders and lockdowns, but oops: they just defunded the police and now don’t have any police officers to enforce their orders! Oops-a-daisy! “We may have defunded the police slightly too early,” […]