Entries by The Babylon Bee

California Orders Police To Arrest Children Who Pick Out Toys Traditionally Associated With Their Biological Gender

SACRAMENTO, CA—California has ordered the immediate arrest of any children who pick out toys traditionally associated with their gender. Local police have been ordered by Sacramento to patrol toy stores and big box stores in order to find kids violating the new law stating that children must play with toys they do not like. “Whether […]

Dr. Fauci Says Unvaccinated Kids Can Trick Or Treat But They Only Get Candy Corn

WASHINGTON, D.C.—America collectively breathed a sigh of relief today as Dr. Fauci announced he was giving everyone permission to go trick or treating this year. “I must clarify one thing, though—and let me be perfectly clear while I clarify one small point in order to make it clear for everyone, as clearly as I possibly can,” said […]

Weird: Many Southwest Planes Flying Banners Reading ‘Let’s Go Brandon’

File this one away in the “weird but true” folder: many Southwest Airlines pilots are flying banners behind their jets with a cryptic message: “Let’s go, Brandon!” Strange! Many are speculating about what this could mean. Some think it’s just an encouraging message for any Southwest passengers named Brandon, while others believe Southwest is just […]

White House Whistleblower Claims Strangers Drag Him From Place To Place And Make Him Sign Papers And Read Words On Monitors And He Hardly Gets Any Ice Cream

WASHINGTON, D.C.—CNN has just released a bombshell interview with an anonymous White House whistleblower, who gave a harrowing account that could spell trouble for the Biden administration. Speaking with Jake Tapper, the whistleblower—who identifies as a “White House aide who is young, with no hair plugs or dentures and definitely not Joe Biden”—gave an account of brutal […]

17 Things With A Higher Approval Rating Than Joe Biden

Joe Biden’s approval rating is not good. Sad! Not good! Here are seventeen things with higher approval ratings than Joe Biden: 1. Candy corn – Even these tasteless cones of wax fare better in the polls than Sleepy Joe. 2. Prostate exams – Uncomfortable but at least they don’t last four years. 3. The restrooms at Walmart – Unsanitary but they’ve […]

Aides Quickly Drag President Away As He Tries To Join In ‘F*** Joe Biden’ Chant

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden took a much-needed break from his 4-hour workdays and late-night Matlock binges to attend the Congressional Baseball Game this past weekend, but things quickly went south when he attempted to join the crowd in a rowdy “F*** Joe Biden” chant. “Yeah, that Biden guy is the worst!” said Biden. “F*** Joe Biden! […]

Disney+ To Release Separate Fauci Documentary For Each Time He’s Changed His Mind

U.S.—Get ready Disney+ users, because there’s another reason to use the service besides just rewatching all The Simpsons episodes from season two until the show abruptly ended and went out in a blaze of glory in season ten. Disney is giving the audience what they want with a Fauci documentary! Just what we asked for. But even better, Disney has […]

Babylon Mom: Don’t Judge Me By My Rude, Misbehaving Kids, But By My Fall Family Photos

Hey everyone, sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. It’s just been crazy around here! Fall is here, and ladies we all know what that means: cooler weather, Friday night football, and popping Xanax before your annual family photoshoot. You know how it goes: you spend countless hours, sacrificing quality family time […]

PSA: If You Have Liberals In Your Neighborhood, Remember To Check Your Kids’ Halloween Candy For Hidden Vaccines

It is now Halloween season, so as parents you must be on alert for threats to your children. This year, make sure to carefully check your kids’ candy before they eat it, being especially on the lookout for vaccination needles. The COVID-19 vaccine has not been approved for children, but some deranged individuals may try […]

New York Atheists Claim Religious Exemption From Vaccine After Governor Claims That It’s From God

ALBANY, NY—New York atheists have come out in force against the COVID-19 vaccine after learning that their state’s Governor Kathy Hochul claimed that God made the scientists, doctors, and researchers invent the vaccine. The state’s atheists were further incensed when Hochul displayed a religious emblem hanging from her neck that symbolized her acceptance of the […]

Enraged Mormon BYU Football Crowd Shouts ‘Fudge Joe Biden!’

PROVO, UT—Mormon students attending the Brigham Young University football game this past weekend joined other colleges across the country in expressing their opinion of President Biden. “Fudge Joe Biden! Fudge Joe Biden!” chanted the football fans in between plays. Some local onlookers were shocked at the brazen obscenity, but others gleefully responded saying “Ohhh SNAP!” […]

Biden Says We Can Afford $3.5T Bill Because China Just Gave Him This Cool New Visa Card With A Low Introductory Rate

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden promoted his record-breaking $3.5 trillion spending bill today, telling Americans it will basically cost us nothing since China was kind enough to give him a brand new VISA card with a $3.5 trillion credit limit and a very low introductory rate. “C’mon, folks, that’s too good a deal to pass up!” said Biden […]