Entries by The Babylon Bee

Dems Worried Stimulus Bill Would Stimulate Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid political bickering over a potential economic relief package, Democrats warned Americans that the stimulus bill would stimulate the economy. “This stimulus bill might stimulate the economy — which would hurt our chances to stop the bad orange man,” said Senator Chuck Schumer. “We can’t overstate how much damage this would do to our […]

Lysol Introduces Shoulder-Mounted Turret That Automatically Blasts Anyone Who Coughs Within Six Feet Of You

SLOUGH, BERKSHIRE—Lysol has unveiled a new shoulder-mounted turret that automatically blasts anyone who coughs, sneezes, or emits mouth droplets of any kind within six feet of you. The Big Lysol Turret 9000 is especially useful during epidemics and flu season, though many who are fearful of germs and disease say they plan to use the product year-round, just […]

Biden To Defy CDC Warning To Stop Touching Other People’s Faces

U.S.—As Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is constantly in crowds, health officials are greatly concerned that he will catch the coronavirus — which would be especially bad for him as he’s very, very old. Despite these concerns, Biden just can’t follow one of the CDC’s main recommendations to avoid catching the disease: Stop putting your […]

Biden: ‘I Am The Only Candidate Who Can Beat Ronald Reagan’

HOUSTON, TX—Fresh off his afternoon nap, presidential candidate Joe Biden gave a fiery, high-energy speech in Houston today, claiming to be the only candidate who could beat incumbent Ronald Reagan. “I am the only candidate who can unite the party to defeat Reagan,” he said to scattered applause. “When Super Thursday hits here in a […]

Nation’s Bernie Supporters Frantically Cobble Together Makeshift Rafts To Paddle To Utopian Cuba

U.S.—After Bernie Sanders praised elements of Cuba’s totalitarian regime, the presidential candidate’s loyal supporters scrambled to cobble together makeshift rafts so they could paddle over to Cuba to experience the Communist island’s renowned literacy programs, medical care, and other social services. Desperate refugees clung to anything that would float as they attempted to sail across […]

To Deflect Criticism From His Three Houses, Sanders Buys A Fourth

LAS VEGAS, NV—Bernie Sanders took criticism for owning three houses at last night’s Democratic debate. He defended himself eloquently, using the argument that “basically everyone who’s not a dumb, poor person has three houses” and that “having three houses is fun and convenient.” But Sanders realized the blows were landing too effectively. So, to deflect […]

Pelosi Defends Ripping Up Trump’s Speech, Saying It Was Just A ‘Clump Of Cells’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi has been criticized for tearing up President Trump’s speech after the State of the Union since immature behavior is almost completely unheard of among politicians. But Pelosi has stuck by her actions, saying that tearing things up comes naturally to Democrats, whether those things are speeches about America and patriotism or unborn […]

Trump Delivers State Of The Union In Scuba Gear To Avoid Drowning In Liberal Tears

WASHINGTON D.C.—After completely mopping the floor with the snowflake libs on the Senate floor, the Trump administration fears that he is at high risk of drowning in a literal tidal wave of liberal tears during Tuesday’s State of the Union address. “The risk for liberal tear downpour is always high any time Trump speaks,” said […]