Entries by The Babylon Bee

Inspiring: US Women’s Soccer Team To Boycott Scoring Goals Until Racism Is Defeated

TOKYO—People were stunned after the U.S. women’s soccer team lost to Sweden in the Olympics this week by a score of 3-0—until the team revealed they are boycotting scoring any goals until racism is defeated. “Yeah, we didn’t score any goals against Sweden last night, but that was totally on purpose,” said star player and beloved […]

CNN Introduces Premium Subscription Service That Blocks All CNN Programming From View

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has unveiled an exciting new subscription service, CNN+, that blocks all CNN programming from view for the low, low price of $15 per month. The move is expected to save CNN from bankruptcy, as the highly anticipated feature already has millions of sign-ups. Many thought CNN would not recover from the post-Trump years, […]

Desperate Humanity Sends Robot Back To 2004 To Stop Mark Zuckerberg From Ever Inventing Facebook

CAMBRIDGE, MA—With humanity languishing under the evil tyranny of Facebook, everyday citizens have pooled their resources together to send a killer robot back in time to 2004 to prevent Mark Zuckerberg from inventing the wicked technological scourge in the first place. “We’ve created the ultimate bionic A.I. humanoid to find Zuckerberg and prevent this dark […]

Dangerous Anti-Science Extremists Hold Super-Spreader Event In D.C.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The World Health Organization has issued a travel warning for anyone traveling to D.C. this week since according to several reports, a plane full of COVID infected anti-science extremists from Texas have flown to the nation’s capital and are conducting deadly super-spreader events there. “According to eyewitnesses, these Grandma-killing monsters didn’t even wear masks on […]

Jen Psaki Banned From Social Media For Spreading Misinformation

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration has decided to crack down hard on those who spread covid misinformation on social media. Because of this, Press Secretary Jen Psaki has been promptly and permanently removed from all social media platforms. “We take this ban very seriously,” a Biden official said. “Ol’ Jen had an enormous reach online, and our […]

Gettysburg Monuments To Be Replaced With Memorial To The Millions Killed By Voter ID Laws

GETTYSBURG, PA—President Biden issued an executive order today instructing the National Park Service to begin tearing down all the monuments at Gettysburg National Military Park so they can be replaced with memorials to all the millions killed by Republican laws asking people to show ID to vote. “These new voting laws are way more deadly […]

‘You Just Don’t Understand Socialism Like I Do,’ Says College Freshman To Man Who Escaped Socialism On A Raft

MIAMI, FL—While on his way to a summer sociology course at the University of Miami, local college freshman Eddard Pollyton noticed a Cuban American man sitting on a bench. He took the time to lecture the man, who had escaped socialism on a raft when he was young, on why socialism is actually good and how he […]

‘Vaccines Should Be Mandatory,’ Says Woman Wearing My Body, My Choice T-Shirt

PORTLAND, OR—During a conversation at work Monday, local woman Reighnye Leighton argued that the government should just mandate that everyone get vaccinated. She made this argument as she wore her favorite, well-worn “My Body, My Choice” T-shirt. “Vaccines should be mandatory,” said the woman who goes out and protests every weekend that she should be […]