Entries by The Babylon Bee

Jack Dorsey Hires Homeless Man Off Streets Of San Francisco To Fill In For Him At Hearings

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Jack Dorsey was summoned to the Senate’s hearing on Big Tech today, but he was tripping on acid with the spider-monkeys off the southern coast of St. Bart’s, so he quickly called up his office and had his people hire a homeless man hanging out in front of Twitter’s headquarters to fill in […]

Texas Passes Law Banning Californians From Voting After They Move There

AUSTIN, TX—To the relief of Texans across the state, Governor Greg Abbott has signed a law prohibiting escaping Californians from voting after they move to Texas. Experts say this will prevent the happy and prosperous slice of heaven from sliding into the endless despair and crushing poverty of leftist policy. “Yeah, all you weirdo Californians […]

Winning: Trump Walks Onstage Holding Hunter Biden’s Laptop

NASHVILLE, TN—Tonight’s final presidential debate got off to a bit of a rough start for Joe Biden. When the debate began, and the two candidates walked toward their respective podiums, Biden looked over and noticed that President Trump was carrying his son Hunter’s laptop. Sweat dripped from Biden’s brow as he answered the opening question. […]

You Should Absolutely NOT Read The Disgusting, Totally False Story About Joe Biden’s Son That We’ve Linked To In This Article

There’s a disgusting, absolutely 100% false story about Joe Biden’s son going around. It’s so bad that it has been condemned by the wise, moral, upstanding people who run Twitter and Facebook. Even mentioning the story can get you banned from these platforms. That’s how bad and false the story is. It claims that Biden’s […]

ACB Calmly Answers Questions While Typing Up Appellate Court Decision And Cooking Dinner For 9

WASHINGTON, D.C.—It was quite a spectacle at the Senate hearing for Amy Coney Barrett’s nomination to the Supreme Court this morning, as Judge Barrett calmly answered the committee’s questions while cooking dinner for her family of nine with her right hand and typing up an appellate court decision with her left hand. “That’s a great […]

Teachers Unions Promise School Will Resume As Soon As The Teachers Are Done Campaigning For Biden

U.S.—Facing growing frustration from parents over prolonged school closures, the American Federation of Teachers has released a statement promising school will resume just as soon as all the public school teachers are done campaigning for Biden. “We realized that these prolonged school closures were a perfect opportunity to mobilize our 1.7 million-member union to get […]

Biden: ‘I Won’t Reveal Whether I Plan On Abolishing The Constitution And Establishing A Glorious Communist Utopia Until After I’m Elected’

LAS VEGAS, NV—Joe Biden was asked yet again today if he plans to abolish the Constitution, overthrow Congress, dismiss the Supreme Court, and set up a Communist regime to take their place. Once again, Biden refused to answer the question, saying voters will find out whether he plans to seize the means of production and […]

Pope Francis Declares That The Catholic Church Will No Longer Accept Donations Earned Via Capitalism

VATICAN CITY—The Pope has declared that the Catholic Church will no longer accept any donations its members give out of their wealth earned by capitalism. The declaration takes effect immediately. Catholic parishes are asked to monitor donations given during the offertory. Parishioners are to fill out a form stating where they got the money. If […]

Trump Adds ‘Black Lives Matter’ Sticker To SUV So Media Can’t Claim He’s Spreading COVID

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what’s being hailed as a 14-dimensional Go move, President Trump added a Black Lives Matter decal to his SUV so he can take as many trips outside the hospital as he wants, and the media won’t be able to claim he’s spreading COVID. “Checkmate,” Trump said as he smiled and waved to reporters. […]