Entries by The Babylon Bee

Study Finds Most Americans Support Making Wall Around Capitol Permanent To Keep Politicians In

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Authorities in D.C. have erected a large 12-foot fence around the Capitol, which will be guarded by thousands of soldiers. A study has found that the majority of Americans support making the wall around the Capitol permanent to keep the politicians corralled in there. In spite of the precautions, many Americans are worried that […]

Biden Unveils Skin Color Chart To Determine Who Gets Federal Aid

WILMINGTON, DE—President-elect Joe Biden gave a press briefing from the basement of his Wilmington mansion announcing that his incoming administration will be utilizing an innovative skin color chart to determine who is the priority in receiving their share of the $900 billion federal coronavirus aid package recently passed by Congress. “Our priority will be black, […]

Amazon Banned From Amazon Servers For Selling Trump’s Art Of The Deal

SEATTLE, WA—In a devastating move to the multi-billion dollar company Amazon, the entire Amazon website has been kicked off Amazon Web Services. This happened after it was found that Amazon.com was selling President Donald Trump’s book The Art of the Deal, a book that financially contributes to the menace Donald Trump while also causing people to […]

‘Let’s All Remain Peaceful,’ Says Trump In Clear Incitement To Violence

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A review of Trump’s statements last week made it clear that he was inciting violence, as he very clearly told people to “remain peaceful” and not carry out any violence. The dangerous cult leader encouraged his followers to protest at the Capitol, but to remain peaceful, which is an obvious instance of inciting violence, […]

Congress Upset As They’re The Only Criminals Allowed In The Capitol

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress people from both parties condemned the attack on the Capitol that occurred Wednesday, pointing out that they’re the only criminals allowed in the building. Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations. “We would like to remind Americans that we are the only […]

‘Everyone Stop Getting Angry Over This Illegally Stolen Election That Will End This Country,’ Says Trump Trying To Calm Things Down

WASHINGTON D.C.—As protesters against the Electoral College vote certification stormed the Capitol, President Donald Trump made a video message and posted it on social media to try to calm everyone down. “Everyone stop getting angry over this illegally stolen election that will end this country,” Trump said in the video. “I know that the Democrats […]

CCP Flag Flies Over Capitol Marking Democrat Control Of Presidency, House, And Senate

WASHINGTON D.C.—“Freedom is over!” Biden announced to the press as the red flag of the Chinese Communist Party flew over the Capitol, marking that the Democrats now have control of the presidency, Senate, and House. “The Bill of Rights is gone,” Biden continued. “Free markets will end. Now that we have a slim majority in the […]

Biden Releases Controversial New Memoir ‘If I Rigged It’

WILMINGTON, DE—To commemorate the “completely fair and honest” 2020 election, Joe Biden has announced a brand new memoir called If I Rigged It. The book is already being met with critical acclaim for its compelling description of a totally hypothetical situation where Biden and the Democrats fraudulently steal the election. “Listen here, Jack– I didn’t steal the election,” said […]

Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time. But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything. […]

Gun Stores Overwhelmed By People Returning $600 Guns For $2000 Guns

U.S.—Many Americans, in anticipation of a $600 government-issued stimulus check, have treated themselves to a brand new gun. Now that President Trump is calling instead for $2000 checks, gun stores are struggling to keep up with customers returning their $600 guns and purchasing $2000 guns. “I sure am glad I kept the receipt!” exclaimed local […]

CDC: People With Dirt On Clintons Have 843% Greater Risk Of Suicide

ATLANTA, GA – According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton’s financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide. “We’ve never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude,” a CDC spokesperson told reporters. […]

With Statues Gone, Pigeons Forced To Poop On Rioters

U.S.—With more and more statues across the country being pulled down, pigeons are being forced to redirect their payloads to different targets. As soon as statues are pulled down, the pigeons turn toward the nearest available target: angry rioters. “Yes! Down with racism–AHHHHH!!!!” screamed one rioter just after pulling down a statue of Christopher Columbus. […]