Entries by The Babylon Bee

Mark Zuckerberg Finishes Another Long Day Of Deciding What People Should Believe

MENLO PARK, CA—Giving his arms and legs a nice little stretch while reclining in his office chair Tuesday afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, confirmed that he had successfully completed another long day of deciding what people around the world should believe. “We’ve got over two billion users now, so it’s never been more important to […]

Black Man Votes Republican, Immediately Turns White

SANTEE JUNCTION, MO—At an early voting location this morning, African American citizen Conroy Ferguson turned white after voting Republican. Witnesses also claim he aged about 10 years and become perceivably more stuffy and unpleasant. Upon checking his wallet, Ferguson found his name had also changed to Clinton Hemsley. Hemsley attempted to return to his family […]

Democratic Leaders Call For New Investigation To Investigate The Investigators Investigating The Investigators

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After House Republicans formally called for an investigation into the investigators investigating the Trump campaign, congressional Democrats quickly responded by calling for a new investigation into the investigators investigating the original investigators. The investigation will center around claims that the investigators assigned to investigate the investigators may show significant bias, with the new investigators […]

State Governors Flee In Terror As Hairstylists Wielding Shears Lead Mass Uprising

U.S.—Most people seemed to be pretty content just sitting in their homes watching their jobs disappear and having the government send them money every month, as long as more content keeps getting added to Netflix. But hairstylists aren’t most people. They have begun what is being called the “Second American Revolution,” descending on state capitol […]

Michigan Governor: ‘Revolting Against A Tyrannical Government Is Simply Un-American’

DETROIT, MI—On Meet the Press Sunday, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer reminded everyone that “revolutions and revolts are simply un-American.” Whitmer called on the protesters in her state to stop their illegal assembling, reminding them that protesting so-called tyranny is a foreign idea to the history of the United States. “Protesting and revolting against your wise rulers […]

Biden Campaign Hires Interpreter To Translate His Speeches Into English

U.S.—The Biden campaign is facing a real communication problem as Joe Biden’s speeches are growing more and more nonsensical. In order to overcome this challenge, aides have hired an interpreter to translate everything he says into normal, human-style English. “My fellow Americans, pickle hamster meatloaf. The thing. Potato!” Biden began. “My fellow Americans, thank you […]

Biden Unveils Vote-By-Telegram Proposal

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has unveiled his new proposal for Americans to cast their votes via telegram. The confused, elderly candidate announced the plan in a speech today. “Voting by the ol’ telegram is guaranteed to eliminate all kinds of malarkey,” Biden said. “I’d like to see the Russians try to hack the ol’ Western Union system. It’s […]

Comey: ‘We Did Not Spy—We Just Observed And Reported Secretly Without The Subject’s Knowledge Or Consent’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Attorney General Barr suggested that the FBI and other agencies spied on Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign, former FBI director James Comey fired back. “We did not spy,” he told reporters as he stretched for his morning yoga class. “We just observed and reported secretly without the subject’s knowledge or consent.” “See, I’ve never […]

Several States Issue Orders Requiring People To Run Around In Giant Hamster Balls

U.S.— Americans in several states are readily adopting new social distancing measures that will guarantee that no one ever gets sick again. California, New York, Michigan and Washington state legislatures have all issued new orders to their citizens to indefinitely don a plastic hamster ball whenever they decide to travel outside their home.  The human-sized […]

Trump Announces All Reporters At White House Press Briefings Must Wear MAGA Masks

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump today announced that “out of an abundance of caution” all reporters present at White House press briefings must wear MAGA masks. All who entered the briefing area were asked to remove any personal masks and to instead don one of the new red masks with “Make America Great Again” embroidered into the fabric. “These […]

Newly Mustachioed Bill De Blasio Unveils Special Red Armbands For Police Enforcing Lockdown

NEW YORK, NY—Having let his facial hair grow freely for several weeks, New York Mayor Bill De Blasio held a press conference this morning where he unveiled special red armbands for police enforcing the city’s quarantine on the Jewish community. “The red armband represents our commitment to public health,” he said. “City workers and police […]

YouTube Removing All Videos That Don’t Begin With The Chinese National Anthem

SAN BRUNO, CA—In light of the ongoing fight to halt the spread of dangerous or yucky opinions, YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki has announced new changes to Google’s video-sharing platform. Starting next week, any video that does not begin with the glorious strains of China’s uplifting national anthem will be immediately deleted from the platform. “China […]

Judge Dismisses Sexual Assault Allegations Against Biden On Grounds That He Is Not A Republican

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden was cleared in federal court today of charges that some claimed were based upon credible allegations of sexual assault when the judge quickly realized that Joe Biden was not a Republican. “Well, this looks pretty serious… let’s see who is on—wait a minute. He’s a Democrat! I can […]