Entries by The Babylon Bee

Internet Inventor Al Gore Bans Trump From Internet

MONTECITO, CA—From his cool, air-conditioned mansion, famed genius and internet inventor Al Gore held a press conference today where he officially banned Donald Trump from the internet. “As the inventor of the internet, I hereby declare Trump banned for life,” Gore said solemnly. “He’s not allowed on Twitter, Facebook, Angelfire, MySpace, Geocities, AOL, Google, Tinder, […]

CIA Replaces Waterboarding With 12-Hour Lectures On Intersectional Feminism

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism. “Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective,” said the anonymous source. “But that’s been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, […]

New Trump Social Media Platform To Include Verification Badges For People Who Aren’t Losers And Total Disasters

U.S.—A Trump spokesman has recently announced that Trump will soon be returning to social media with his own platform. This new “trumped-up” social media site is expected to completely change the game and will feature an all-new look and experience for users. “We are removing the lame verification badges and replacing them with ‘People Who […]

Dems: ‘If America Isn’t Racist, How Do You Explain These White Hoods We’re Wearing?’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Senator Tim Scott said America is no longer a racist country, Democrats scrambled to prove him wrong. They quickly devastated his argument by going into storage and dusting off their old KKK hoods, which they then donned to show him just how racist America actually is. “If America isn’t racist, would we be […]

Having Stolen Everything From Your Great-Grandchildren, Democrats Move On To Your Great-Great-Grandchildren

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After successfully plundering the dreams and futures of your great-grandchildren to pay off unions and poorly run blue states, the Democrat Party has announced they are moving on to plundering your great-great-grandchildren. “We wanted to spend another $6 trillion, but we ran out of everyone’s great-grandkids’ money,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, “but then we found all […]

Pelosi Thanks Millions Of Babies For Sacrificing Their Lives For Women’s Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a somber address on Tuesday, Nancy Pelosi thanked millions of aborted babies for sacrificing their lives for women’s rights. “Thank you 60 million babies, for sacrificing your life for the noble cause of reproductive healthcare,” she began. “Because of you, and because of millions of activists around the world who came out to abort […]

College Student Aces Final By Just Answering ‘Racism!’ To Every Question

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—According to sources, local English major Charlie Miller was able to ace her final exam by simply writing in the word “racism!” for every answer. “Yeah, I completely forgot to study last night so I figured I would try it,” she said. “90% of my lectures this year were just hour-long sessions of my professor […]

Bernie Sanders On BLM Founder: ‘No One Should Get Rich Enough Off Politics To Buy Multiple Homes’

MONTPELIER, VT—In an address from one of his homes, Bernie Sanders condemned BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors for getting rich off politics and buying four homes. After it came out that the co-founder of the movement had purchased multiple large homes, Sanders quickly held a press conference condemning her “callous and unfair profiteering.” “No one in […]

Minneapolis City Council To Offer Looting Passports

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—The Minneapolis City Council has voted unanimously for the equitable distribution of looting passports to peaceful protestors. “It can be confusing for citizens to know if a crime is acceptable or not based on the ebb and flow of the City Council’s agenda,” said Councilperson Maria Saliva. “With looting passports, protestors can know when […]

Biden Claims Anyone Can Go To A Gun Show And Buy A Nuclear Missile With No Background Check

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference today in which President Biden announced new executive action on gun control, he made an emotional plea to Americans, making his case that the action was needed. In particular, he claimed that gun shows are “free-for-alls” where anyone can just go in and pick up a nuclear missile. “Anybody can […]