Elizabeth Warren Opens Casino To Help Finance Campaign

U.S.—With campaign contributions down 30% in the last quarter, you might think it’s time for Elizabeth Warren to throw in the tomahawk. But not this brave Native American warrior!

“After spending several minutes digging deep into my rich 1/1024th Cherokee heritage, and communing with my spirit animal –you know, like we genuine Indians do all the time,” Warren announced at a recent campaign rally, “I feel the spirits of my ancestors guiding me to open a brand new casino; complete with a buffet, generous slots, and the hottest shows in history!”

Warren hopes that the new casino’s revenue will compensate for the decrease in campaign contributions and says it will even have a theme. Much like Caesar’s Palace’s ancient roman theme or Circus Circus’ killer clown theme, the presidential hopeful says her casino will have a socialism theme that is sure to be fun for the whole family.

“When you enter the casino, we want you to feel like you’re entering a socialist utopia! Whether you’re waiting in the breadline at the buffet, losing all your hard-earned money to the ruling class, or cheering at the executions of political dissidents, this will be a truly immersive experience!” Warren said.

If that fails, Warren says she may be forced to perform a sacred ritual that will summon an ancient Indian curse upon her political foes.

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