CNN Introduces Premium Subscription Service That Blocks All CNN Programming From View

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has unveiled an exciting new subscription service, CNN+, that blocks all CNN programming from view for the low, low price of $15 per month.

The move is expected to save CNN from bankruptcy, as the highly anticipated feature already has millions of sign-ups. Many thought CNN would not recover from the post-Trump years, but it appears people will actually pay not to have to ever see CNN again.

“We’re giving the people what they want,” said Brian Stelter. “And what they want, apparently, is to see a whole lot less of me.”

Subscribers will never again have to see a CNN broadcast, whether they’re at the airport, a hotel lobby, or they accidentally surf on by the channel while trying to turn into a real news station. Advanced streaming technology allows CNN+ to detect when a subscriber is in the vicinity of a public television playing CNN, and the system will automatically block all programming from view.

People who subscribe to the higher tiers of the subscription platform will get additional perks, like three throws at Brian Stelter perched above a dunk tank. Oh, and it’s filled with alligators!

Babylon Bee subscriber Dan Dillon contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

8 Ways To Entice Your Bored Congregants Back To Church

Space Returns Unwanted Amazon Delivery

As Rocket Returns, Amazon Workers Shuffle Back Into Place After Enjoying 10-Minute Break

Debate Erupts Between Trusted Medical Doctor And Dr. Fauci

Following The Science: Texas Issues Travel Ban On Democrats To Prevent Dangerous COVID Outbreak